I Bet He Gets It In The End
by LauranTheBiscotti
Summary: Dave and Gee finally get together..but can they STAY that way?
1. Bad Girl's Hell

**This is It! Part Two to Praise My Pants In Which My Girly Bits Flow ****!**

**I will not update as often, mainly because this second half was aLOT harder to write, because I just wanted Dave and Gee to get together,and believe me, it took aLOT of restraining NOT to !**

**So I'll update at least once a week,I'll promise that much :)**

**This is for all those readers of my previe, PMPIWMGBF...yes,all three of you (har har):**

**Chaela-laughluuurver **

**IluvDTLandGeeNicks **

**DevineOne **

**(and)**

**Sapphire**

**Ok,wow, there was only three of you...how patheticos!**

**But any ways, I am sure by now you lot are shouting GET ON WITH IT!**

**So I will**

**Get on with it (oo-er!) I mean.**

**Here it is,He Gets It In The End ...chappy 1!**

**Drum roll please...**

**Oh, by the way,I don't own Georgia Nicolson,Masimo-Stupid-Scarlotti or Dave the Laugh, and so on...Louise Rennison does !**

**But the plot is my own :)**

_"Dave?"_

_"I'm sorry It's just..I'm happy."_

_I felt my face go hot and rasied a hand to it, and realized I was crying too._

_I kissed him on the lips, and he lip nibbled, then raised my chin up and kissed up and down my neck then he kissed back to my mouth, and we snogged._

_We went on like that for it must have been 20 minutes,with hand around my waist the other stroking my hair._

_i did moany in his ear and his eyes widen in suprise but he didn't stop snogging moved his head to my neck and kissed up and down it, breathing soflty.I felt my self go all red and melty._

_OHMYGODOHMYGOD._

_I put my hand under his chin, brought his mouth back to mine and started snogging him again, and even did nip smiled and mid snog said 'i have taught you well."_

_I said "Shut up and kiss me.' and we started snogging hand trailed under the ocat and my shirt, and up my ran his fingers up and down it was making me very very...well,you know._

_I did moany in his ear again and he pulled me even closer,his hands on my bottom now, and I slipped my tongue in his was feeling very..lumpy and it was making my red bottom raise it's er,bottom.I wanted to snog him so badly that it made me moan again and he monaed back,in my ear and sucked it.I felt my legs sort ofd fall under myself but he caught me and rasied my hands to be around his neck and slipped his hands under my dress and onto my bottom and started kisisng me with major tongue action again._

_Dimly I had heard the door open a few moments ago but didn't think anything of it until I heard,like through say "Oh my" and Rosie say "I'd say they made up." and Jas say "More like made out."_

_I tried to step back form him, but I forgot our coats were zipped togehter, and he fell on top of me saying "Oof."_

_I could feel Dave all,you ,know,lumpy under me._

_I smiled up at them and said cheerily "How do you like the party?"_

_Mum raised an eyebrow "I can see you're enjoying it vey much."_

_i realized Dave's hands were still in my skirt on my bum,which was raised up so everyone could see where his hands were._

_I went beetroot and grabbed the dress and brought it back down,red-faced._

_"Dave,get up."_

_He whispered in my air "That's not a good idea."_

_I whispered back "Why?" and he looked at me._

_that wriggling about and him wearing tight black leather jean,well,it wouldn't leave anything to the imagination._

_I smiled at Mum again. "Anything else?" as Dad came outside._

_Mum trned around real fast and said loudly "No ,she's not out here either,lets go inside dears." and sort of hered Dad back to the door._

_As he went in I heard him say "If she's doing anything I can think of I am going to KILL her."_

_As soon as the door closed Sven and Rosie grabbed Dave and mine arms and helped us up._

_Rosie had a stupid smile on her face._

_"What?"_

_"So when's the wedding?"_

_I tried to kick her but couldn't reach.I stuck my tonuge out at her instead and they went back to the party,laughing like they are._

_Dave said "Here,let me put that tongue to use" and kissed me again._

_We wizzed through the snogging scale all the way to above waist activity and then he stopped suddenly.I opened my eyes "Is something wrong?"_

_He smiled and said 'How long?":_

_"PARDON me?" I stuttered ands he laughed_

_"You're I meant was,how long have you known?"_

_I tried to think back but all the snogging had given me a bit of stupid brain._

_"It's always been you.I even tried dating other girls but they were all so dim and dull compared to you.I'm just glad we found you before you did anything stupid with Masimo that you'd regret."_

_and he hugged me tightly_

_Uh-oh._

**bad girls' hell**

**Saturday,November 27th**

**4p**

On the way home !

I am soooo happy!

Well, not for the fact I ran away from home to Hamburger-a-go-go Land to be with Masimo, and after doing some very mad viking dancing and yes,even trouser snake dancing,I found out that Masimo was cheating on me so I dumped him, and then a week later my family and all my mates came to mny rescue, thinking Masimo had kidnapped me and,you know,taken advantage of me (because I kind of sort of told them he had)...Masimo-Stupid-Scarlotti...

Where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself?

Oh yes,I am happy because after all that Dave the Laugh came later, and we FINALLY became OSP (That's Official Snogging Partner for you fules out there) and then we snogged for nearly 2 hours straight.

He's sitting next to me,and every few minutes he keeps looking over at me, and grinning.I don't think I've stopped grinning since we've left the ground.

I am soooooooooooo happy.

Dave looked over at me "What are you thinking?"

"How happy I am."

He smiled."I know, me too.I'll be glad when we're home, and we can be,you know,normal."

"Dave,it's me."

He laughed "Oh yea you have a point there."

I shoved him and he grabbed my hands and pulled me to him, and kissed me.

Jas and Tom leaned over from the seat behind us and said 'If you don't stop it we're going to be forced to move."

Dave and I looked at each other, and then we started snogging, with alot of exaggerated-ded tongue action.

Jas said "Erlack." and they stood up and moved to the other .

After Dave pulled back I said 'Since after we broke up."

Dave looked at me "What?"  
"You asked me how long ago I knew I ..you know,felt about you, and my answer is ,since we broke up.I just never realized the fisticfuffs at dawn fiasco."

"I've known for a long time, but when you said Stop In The Name of Pants is when I knew for looked right at me when you said it,and I nearly did something stupid."

"Like what?"  
He unbuckled his seat belt,leaned over put his hand on the back of my neck and said :"Like this." and snogged me softly.

Gooooood I think I'm melting.

I didn't get too much of a chance to melt,though because Rosie,passing by to go to the loo,looked over at us then called out, so EVERYONE could hear, 'Good Lord, they're still doing it."

Ellen said "I'm glad you guys are,you know, but can you please stop?You're making everyone sick."

I threw my in-flight (what are they after we land? On-land?) headphones at her.

Dave whispered "We can always say we're going to watch a movie and sit in the last four aisles,where no one else is,and dim the lights."

"Ok."

He unbuckled me (ooer!), and we got up and went to the last seats. Mum raised her brow and I said "We're going to watch a movie."

Mum said "Ok,but I'll be in every 30 minutes to check ." and went back to her magazine.

We pulled the curtain around the seats, and sat down.

Dave whispered "Hi."

I whispered "Hi " back and leaned in for a kiss, but Mum called out "I don't hear any movie!"

I put in the loudest movie I could find, about a war,then leaned in to snog.

He put his hand on the side of my face.I leaned in and snogged him made "mm:' sounds and slipped his tonuge in mine,nearly pulling me into his lap.

I leaned on him and he looked at me and said "You sure?"

I nodded and he reclined the seat.

He slid his hands up my back, stroking it, and kissed my neck and ears.I could feel myself go melty.

I nip libbled him and he pulled me ontop of him,directly and said "God"

I whsipered "I know." and snogged him,but then mid-snog he turned into Angus.I pulled back and Agus said,in an Italian accent, "He'll find out,you know."

**45 Minutes Later,For Real**

Woke with a head was on something soft.I looked up and Dave smiled down at me.

My head was on Dave's shoulder.I smiled back at him and sat up.

So it was just a dream,bloody hell.

Dave looked at me "Alright?' just as Dad ran in,brandishing a hair blower like a sword.I did not even want to know.

"What's wrong?I heard someone scream."

"Calm down,Vati, it's just the movie."

He lowered the dryer."Oh,right,well then,turn down the sound,you'll ruin your ears."

Dave said "Aye,sir" and Dad actually SALUTED and then went out and I looked at each other,then laughed like loons, which we are.

I leaned over him to look out the window "Where are we?"  
"The Atlantic."

"Oh."

He smiled "It's an ocean,Gee."

I gave him a look "I knew that" and he laughed.

As I put the curtain thing back down over the window,I knocked a mag down, and bent to get said "Gee, while you're down there.."

I straightened up quickly and shot him a dirty look.

He put on a pouty face "Fine,I'll fasten my own seat belt." What a loon.

As I belted myself back in,Dave said "But seriously,though,I do need to talk something over with you,Gee."

uhoh,he's not going to be an un-laugh is he?

And right when I get my Laughy-laugh?

I hope not.

I smiled "OK"

He took a deep breath "Well,I know Masimo is flash and good-looking and everything,right?"  
"Dave, are you on the turn?"

He crossed his eyes at me "Seriously."

"Ok,yes,for a slimy back-snogging bigheaded git,yes I'll say he's not hideously deformed."

" I know you came to America together, and stayed at hotels,and I'm assuming they have beds in them."

"Yes,normally they do."

He didn't smile took a deep looked like he was going to get cry.

"I just...er..I want to God.." He buried his face in his hands.

Ohmygiddygod,he's not crying is he?I put my hand on his shoulder "Dave? Are you alright?"

He took a few shudddery breathes then said ,muffled because he still had his face in his hands,"Did he try to..force himself on you?"  
It took me a few seconds to register what he meant."Do you mean did we,er do It ?"

He looked up at wasn't crying,but his face was all red and blotchy."I need to know,Gee.I couldn't,I just couldn't let that git get away with hurting you,I just couldn't" and he punched the seat in front of him. I grabbed his arm "No."

Oh my giddy God trousers,did I just LIE to my boyfriend?

I am going to Bad Girls' Hell now,for sure.

He looked at me,dead on "No?"

Should I tell hin the truth,or not?If I do,he'll kill Masimo and never want to see my again,and won't because he'll be in jail for the rest of his life.

And if I don't...

I can't think of any reason not to lie to him.

Huh.

**5 Seconds Later**

Only just that he's the one I want and am meant for and I already told him how I feel..and girls are NEVER supposed to do that.I guess I am just gonig have to tell him the..."No."

Damn, my mouth went on answering him with consulting me first !

I was thinking I should really tell him, but then a big smile spread on his face.

Corrrrr he has such a gorgey smile.

He really is The God.

He took my face in his hands and kissed me on the mouth,softly.

When he stopped he opened his eyes,but kept my face in his hands.

He's got big,warm hands.I wonder-is it true,big hands means big...feet?

"I was so worried about you,that he'd make you do something...horrific"

I smiled at him "Don't be daft.I am my my own woman."

He grinned "Yes, you are,that is for sure.".He let go of my face and took my his fingers touched mine it felt like a in a good took my breath away and I shot a look at had the same expression on his face I'm sure I had on mine.

"So,tell me about your it have scary handbag-toting gits?"I felt my whole face and even my neck blush.

No way am I EVER going to tell him THAT dream.

**5 Minutes Later**

I told him the dream.

I din't tell him all of it, just they were were snogging and then Vati walked in on us.

Dave took it quite well,I sat back and stroked his invisble beard, and only went "Hmmm." for the longest time.

"Well,Dr Laugh?"

"I think you need intensive snog therapy.I'm going to prescribe to you heavy snogging with your handsome boyfriend." and he kissed me.

I kissed back,softly then a bit firmly,but not toothy and he slid his hand up my back and gently stroked it in small made fell all melty and jelloid all 's SUCH a good snogger.I don't know why I didn't realize it I did,unconciously,and kept ended up accidentally snogging him.

The seatbelt was sort of cutting into me so I undid it,Dave doing the leaned over and,looking me deep in the eyes,kissed me on the mouth.

**10 Minutes Later**

We wizzed through the snogging scale,skipping numbers 1 (holding hands) through 3 (good-night kiss) and did a bit of #4 (kiss lasting over three minutes without taking a breath) and a bit of 5 (kiss with open mouths).

It felt sooooo what's more,my hands sort of fell in place.I mean,I wasn't worrying about where to put my because we've snogged so much any rate, he slid his hands around my waist and pulled me to him.I was practically sitting in his lap (oo-er)!

I leaned up and nip lbbled his ear.

he pulled back and looked at me "You're using my own techniques against me?"

I smiled at him "Yuppers" and kissed him some more.

**15 Minutes Later**

I have to say,Dave defiently knows how to snog!

He'll run his finger down my neck or on my back while we're snogging,or he have one hand on my leg and the other round my waist, but not in a way like "You belong to me" but sort of like "We belong together' if that makes any sense.

It does.

Trust me.

Dave had one hand on my leg and the other had sort of drifted onto my nunga-nungas when Rosie came and I sort of jumped away from each other, then spontaneously started 're so used to having to hide what er,do, that we just naturally jumped away like fleas on jump pills.

Rosie shook her head "Is all you two going to do the whole way back is snog?"  
Dave said "Yes,we've got alot of catching up to please go away."

Rosie shrugged . "Fair enough." then turned round and went out again.

Dave smiled at me.

is ALL boy.

Well,obviously he is, if he was all girl then that would mean I am a lesbian.

And I'm not.

At any rate,Dave smiled and said "Where were we?"

**38 Minutes Later**

It is sooooo nice having an offical snogging partner.

We talk,we eat,then we snog some 's giving me the major ,I must say,for once it is the General Horn.

And this is saying aLOT.

Dave put down his PBJ and said "What ?"  
I looked at him "What what?"  
"You looked... someone stuck a hot poker up your bum."  
"I just realized,this is the first time I've ever had the General Horn."

"It is for me,right?"

I nodded and he said "That's good then."

He put his arms round my waist, and pulled me closer to him,so we were sitting sideways like scissors,with my legs under his.I was practically in his lap.I pulled back and he flushed :"Er,I didn't mean.."

I said "Errrr,no I just didn't want to er,smash your..uh..sandwhich."

He put his face really really close to mine "Maybe I like it being smashed" in a very low, VAIR sexy voice. I could feel my whole body turn red. Goooooooood.

I was about to snog him when Jas came owling saw me and Dave, noticed how we were sitting, and gve a little scream and covered her eyes.

I said "Jas, calm 're not doing anything."

Jas was beet red,except round her eyes and looked like an embarrassed panda.

i said "Yes,what did you want?"

"I was just,er,checking in..."

"Just because we won't tell you what number we've got to on the snoggnig scale doesn't give you the right to burst in every 5 minutes."

Of course, Jas got all huffy after that and stropped off in her loonaplane.

Dave smiled "So,what's a snogging scale?"

**10 Minutes Later**

I told Dave all about the snogging scale."So,what's this on the snogging scale?" and hr leaned in and kissed me.

He put his hand cupping my face,then slid them down my neck, to my nunga nungas then down to my made me sort of breathless and I had to stop for a bit.

Dave put his forhead against was out of breath too."You ok?You're shaking."

"I'm ok,bit nippy noodles is all."

"Awww" he scooted me directly alongside him and put his arm round me "Better?"

"A little"

He kissed me,on the cheek,softly. "Better?"

I held up my fingers half a centimeter apart "A little"

He went "Hmmmm" then stood up and took a blanket out of the put it round me then sat down and slid under it next to me and took my hand."How 'bout now?"

I put my head on his 're about the same height so it was vair comfortable .Does this mean we're mean for each other?

I said "Much" and he kissed my forhead.

I could feel and hear his heartbeating .It made me feel very warm and cozy.

"And now?" he asked and he kissed behind my ear

"Much,much better."

He smiled and said "What about -this?" and grabbed my sides and tickled me.I spluttered and jumped away,but he still had ahold of me and so he was on top of me.

He looked at me a long time,stroking my mad hair then he kissed me,with open-mouth.I put the tip of my tonuge in his mouth and hr groaned, which made me have the horn very,very badly.I put my hand on his waist under his 's all muscley and quite scrumboes.

We layed that way for the longest 's got a patch of hair under his navel and everytime I passed over it he breathed in deeply. His lips were on my felt vair nice.I passed over the patch of hair and sort of nip libbled his ear and he pulled me close to him,tight.

Our PANTS were touching.

God God.

His mouth was warm agains my slimy like Whelk ,I can't believe I even let him snog me.

Dave ran his lips up and down my neck and it made me in a good way,like when Angus and Naomi are kept apart.

Besides the whole rubbing-my-bum-on-a-dustbin thing.

Dave pulled a blanket over me and smiled .He was shivering too.

He looked me deep in the eyes "Is this real?Are we really together?"

I smiled at him "If it is a dream,I don't want to-" He put his finger on my mouth,and titled his head.

he whispered "Fake sleep." and he turned so we were laying,facing each other.

Through my half-closed eyes I could see Jas,Rosie,Jools and Ellen poke their heads in and look tiptoed over to was the loudest thing I've ever heard.

Jas said "What do you think?"  
Rosie said "Well,it HAS been two must have done something by now."

Jas said "Dave respects Gee too much" and I sort of saw Dave smile.

But then someone,I think it was Tom say,"Unless Gee wants 's got him whipped."

Jools lifted the blanket off us slightly and Rosie whispered "Do they have their PANTS on still?"

Dave sat up,scaring everyone "Of course we have our PANTS on,we're in a wouldn't we?"


	2. PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

Hello everyone, this is a public announcement and apology for posting SO much on ONE DAY.

I write,plan,etc everything out FIRST before I write the story, and then I write the story.

So...yeah,I have about 12 stories on my hard drive.

It's taking up 713KB and so I only have...5% more space on my 1.6 GB hard drive...and I did NOT want to destroy it so...er...yeah sorry again my stupid computer is a POS (well,it IS Windows!) and tries to crash,etc and I am terrified I'll lose EVERYTHING...again ~!

So ,once again,I am sorry for the MASSIVE overload of stories and so on.

**I do NOT own **** Georgia Nicolson,Masimo-Stupid-Scarlotti or Dave the Laugh, and so on...Louise Rennison does !**

**But the plot is my own :)**

**er,,,r?r?...maybe?**

**SORRY EVERYONE**

**IT WAS THIS OR...LOSE EVERYTHING !**


	3. Bugger Bugger Arse Bum !

**Oh, by the way,I don't own Georgia Nicolson,Masimo-Stupid-Scarlotti or Dave the Laugh, and so on...Louise Rennison does !**

**But the plot is my own :)**

**DevineOne-**Thank you so much for the loverly review! I wanted sooo bad just to get Dave and Gee together but I wouldn't have a story if I did so I have to take this one VAIR slow,etc.

I was super-excited (maybe I am super-tosser...or am I just being super-critical?) to write this one and I hope this one is as good as you think it to be :)

I think it is.

And I am not wrong ^_^

I am right ^_^

**Chaela-laughluuurver-**I sooo bad just wanted them to get together in the end,snog,etc but then I wouldn't have a story! It's soooo hard to resist the ways of the PANTS (oo-er!) and slam them together (...double oo-er!).

But then I wouldn't have a story and leave you wanting more (leave it...),would I? Tee Hee.

When I got book 10,Are These Basoomas I See Before Me,on August 2nd (my birthday ! ^_^ ) I was practically dancing to the front to the cashier and then I danced, yes,DANCED out of Books-A-Million.

And keep this in mind I am a mature,responsible,23-year-old adult.

Ok, maybe not mature...as I did the Viking Disco Dance in the car home and when people honked at me I leaned out and yelled "Hoooooorn!" or "You give me the horn!" leaving them utterly my husband (yeah,I tricked someone semi-normal to marry me,but then he'd have to be half-mad to live with me,heh heh) TOTALLY embarrassed...maybe not TOTALLY by accident... O_0

I read it all by that night...and read it at least once a week since (last August 2nd or so) !

So you can imagine how anxious I am to GET ON WITH IT but...

Not (quite) yet !

_His mouth was warm agains my slimy like Whelk ,I can't believe I even let him snog me._

_Dave ran his lips up and down my neck and it made me in a good way,like when Angus and Naomi are kept apart._

_Besides the whole rubbing-my-bum-on-a-dustbin thing._

_Dave pulled a blanket over me and smiled .He was shivering too._

_He looked me deep in the eyes "Is this real?Are we really together?"_

_I smiled at him "If it is a dream,I don't want to-" He put his finger on my mouth,and titled his head._

_he whispered "Fake sleep." and he turned so we were laying,facing each other._

_Through my half-closed eyes I could see Jas,Rosie,Jools and Ellen poke their heads in and look tiptoed over to was the loudest thing I've ever heard._

_Jas said "What do you think?"  
Rosie said "Well,it HAS been two must have done something by now."_

_Jas said "Dave respects Gee too much" and I sort of saw Dave smile._

_But then someone,I think it was Tom say,"Unless Gee wants 's got him whipped."_

_Jools lifted the blanket off us slightly and Rosie whispered "Do they have their PANTS on still?"_

_Dave sat up,scaring everyone "Of course we have our PANTS on,we're in a wouldn't we?"_

**bugger,bugger,arse bum !**

**Saturday,November 27th (Still)**

**Still on the Plane**

**15 Minutes Later**

The Ace Gang refuse to leave untill we tell them what we've done so..of course,they're still here.

I noticed Jools was looking a big shifty so while Dave was talking to the rest I pulled her aside.  
"What?"  
"Well I was passing through to the loos, and your Mum told me to look in,so I did.I didn't see anything,I just heard Dave say,"Is this for real?" and you said "Yes"

Dave came over to us in the corner "What's going in,chicklettes?"  
Jools looked DID beat up Mark Big Gob for me...

She said "I didn't hear anything, just you two talking."

Unfotuneately Radio Jas tuned in and they all came over "Heard what?"  
"I heard Gee well,,you know..make...a noise, and then Dave say 'Is this for real.'.

Dave rolled his eyes "She was talking in her sleep."

Jas raised an eyebrow :"So you answered her?"

Dave looked at me. What?I have no clue what to do or say.

Which is nothing new.

Dave and I made a move to leave before we incriminate ourselves (oo-er) but the Ace Gang stood and blocked our way like a wall.A wall of nunga-nungas.

Jas said :"Dish"

I looked at her "Spoon."

Tom started laughing but Jas elbowed rubbed his side, but smirked a little. Teehee.  
"We've been waiting for this 2 years."

"Wwll,now you're going to have to wait a little longer."

Dave took my hand "Let's go,baby" only he said it "bahy-buh", like that guy in those zombie has a chainsaw for a hand.

Anyhow,he took my hand and we went back to our regular seats.

We got snuggled in,then Dave said "So,Gee,tell me how you liked America."

**6p**

We're home !

I looked out the window as we flew over London to the airport. It was all covered in ice and looked like a miniature ice town,like in a snow globe.I used to have one but Libby threw it down the stairs.

I said "It's beautiful.",still looking said "Yes,it is." I turned to him and he was looking at me smiling,but sort of sadly.

"What's wrong?"  
Dave took my hands "'s something I must tell you."

I said "Oh,God,you're not preggo are you?" which I thought was _tres amusant_ but he didn't laugh.

Oh no,he wasn't going to be Dave the un-Laugh again,was he?

"No,there's just well,after you left I was quite upset and I was depressed and alone alot, and Emma-she ,she came and talked .We just talked, but,well I felt really bad for dumping her like I did."

"For the other woman you mean?"

He put his hand on my was very warm. "You were the other woman you daft tart."

Oh.

Wait-he dumped Emma..for me?

Ohmygiddygodstrousers.

**2 Seconds Later**

Did he just call me a tart?

That's ironic, coming from Dave the Tart.

Shut up,brain.

He went on "I missed you loads, all I did was think about you, but well,you know..I tried to-to forget and ..." he blew out air,pufifng out his cheeks.

I got a sinking feeling,like I swallowed an anchor.

Or the Titanic.

I said "Who's your ride home?" and he sort of mumbled "Mmmmwemma."

I looked at him "Did she even notice you were gone?"  
Dave smiled sadly "I told her I was off looking at Unis in you so,I'm not serious with her,I just..."

I looked at him "What is she going to say when she sees us?"  
"I told her my plane lands an hour from now."

He squeezed my hand "So ..do you get what I am saying?"

"That you're back with Emma and want me to know that well..you know."

He sat back,looking relievedish."I was so afraid you'd not be okay wirth this,."

I unbuckled my belt and stood up "I said In understand,I didn't say I was okay with it"

I took my carry-on makeup kit and went to sit with Jas and looked a bit alarmed when I sat down but when I told them what was going on, Jas said "What are you going to do,now?"  
I looked at her "I don't if he thinks I am going to play second violin to that dim weed,well,he's got another think coming."

Tom looked a little scared.

**25 Minutes Later**

As we unboarded Dave tried to catch my eye but I pushed on ahead and did linksies with Jas "So,how are your wilderness courses going?" 

**5 Minutes Later**

Unfortunately,this meant I had to listen to her mad ramblings about voles and owl-poo pellets all the way down the tarmac.I even tried to lose her in the crowd but she linked arms with me and held on like a slack limpet in elephantine knickers (which she does wear).

**15 Minutes Later**

Waiting for my Olds to find a vee-hickle to fit all of the rest of the lot milled about,Dave started coming my way but was interrupted by a madwoman in the form of Emma.

She yelled across the parking lot "Hi hi hi !"and ran said "Hi Gee,Sven,Rosie,Jas,Jools,Ellen." and hugged each of us in what's more she was wearing purple frogs on them.

Dave said "You're early."  
"Yah silly I told you I may." She said to the rest of us "So what are you all doing here?"

We all explained at once-but different said over the noise "They went to get Gee-uh,Georgia and we ended up on the same flight back."

Incredibly Emma believed him "It's great to see you Gee!"

I thought 'Really ,is it? ' but said "Mmm"

-Emma squealed again and hugged Dave "i'm so glad you're back! I missed you loads.I even made you a welcome -home pasty."

Rosie caught my eye and mouthed "Pasty?" then did pantomine choking.I started laughing and had to shove my fist in my mouth to stifle caught my eye and pulled a face, quickly, so Emma wouldn't see, but I did.

Who bakes pasties?How dim can she be?

Very,is the answer you're searching for.  
Dave said "well, that's great and all but I must get back.I'm tuckered."

Emma looked miffed but said "That's OK I've loads of homework to do anyways."

She actually does her homeork,too?

God.

Dave looked at ,steady-on and said "I'll come by later maybe."

Emma thought he was talking to her and said "Ok but we can talk more in the car.I'm freezing!"

She waved at us and hugged each of us,saying 'bye' for a bout a million times,then led Dave off by his arm.

I looked down.I don't think I can handle watching him go.

I feel like I've got to poo and acream and cry and shout all at the same time.

Why me?

Why?

Did I do something really horrible in a past life to deserve this?

I said to anyone that would listen "I can't believe he's actually leaving with her.I mean,she makes PASTIES for God's sake."

Jas nudged my elbow.I looked said something to Emma, then jogged across the parking lot, to me.

"I couldn't leave you without saying bye."

He looked soooo sexy, with the snow on his hair but I thought 'girdy loins,girdy loins' .

I said "Yes,bye then" and held out my hand for him to shake it.

He looked at me in disbelief. :"You're not serious?"  
"You didn't intend to be with me."

He looked like he'd been slapped for a moment but then he took my hand and shook it,saying "It's been...amazing knowing you.2 years well spent." and he jogged back his bakes.

**8p**

Cried all the way Eddie and all the Lads were all here for a welcome-home party but I didn't feel much like celebrating.I washed my makeup off, changed into my pjs and crawled into bed.

Maybe if I sleep with the pillow on my face, the pressure will flatten my nose out and I'll suffocate in my sleep.

**2 Minutes Later**

Picked up the pillow and there was a sealed letter under it-from Dave.

My first impulse was to tear it up,but I wanted to see what he could possibly have to say to me first.

It said :

"Hello,beautiful.

I've been wanting to tell you someting for a long,long time but never could,you being with someone else, and me I decided to write it down and hope this gets to you and I don't tear it up like the other hundreds of letters I've tried to write you before.

You see, the thing is I love everything about I have always loved you.I think about you when I wake up and right before I fall you're always in my dreams.I think about you all the time,and I don't know if I could stand it not knowing if you felt the same about me,or not.

So,please,let me know.

Even if you hate my beyond marvy snogging skills (which ,if the past is anything to go by,you don't).

Let me know ASAP.

After all,I am your local Jack the Biscuit.,

xoxo,

Dave"

**3 Minutes Later**

I've read the note 22 times and no where does it mention Emmma.

**3 Seconds Later**

Bugger,bugger, arse bum ! 


	4. Operation Glacierosity

**Oh, by the way,I don't own Georgia Nicolson,Masimo-Stupid-Scarlotti or Dave the Laugh, and so on...Louise Rennison does !**

**But the plot is my own :)**

**operation glacierosity**

**Sunday,November 28th**

**7a**

Woke up and the letter was crumpled in my hand.

My face is stiff from crying all night.

How can he snog my within an inch of my life then tell me to wait while he finds a way to dump his weedy girlfriend?

As they (who ever they are) say, tide waits for no man,and neither does Georgia Nicolson !

**50 Seconds Later**

Well, except for Robbie,when he went jetting off to Kiwi-a-gogo Land, but that was my first love,and so on.

But still.

I'm done with that.

Besides,it's probably just a joke and not even written by him at all.

I should have a box full of old letters,including ones from DTL,in it somewhere...

**8 Minutes Later**

Why would a cat eat half a shoebox?

Why?

**2 Minutes Later**

Blimey,I have the letters from Robbie from when he was in Aukland,home of the ermmmm...auks.

I think it's some sort of pre-historic bird.

**3 Minutes Later**

I have the letter Mark BG sent me ,that looks like as if it's been written with a stick.

**5 Minutes Later**

Right,found the letters from Dave.

**2 Minutes Later**

Damn,I compared the letters to the new one and it is the same Dave really did write it.

**35 Minutes Later**

I wonder if he wrote the letter before Emma threw herself at him like the sad sack she is?

**20 Seconds Later**

Hmmmm..there's no postdate.

I wonder if it's too early to ring Jas?

She's probably already gone off swotting to look at vole poo.

**Ringing Jas**

She picked up on the first ring "Are you wearing rubber PANTS then?"  
"Oh, you cheeky minx."  
"Oh,it's you."

"Well,hello to you 's not like I've been gone,abroad for a month, and -"

She butt it in "Do you have something to say?Only Tom and I are going out on a ramble."  
"Look,I'm having a serious dillema."

She laughed nastily and said "What,did you break a nail?"  
"No,I found a letter from Dave under my what's more,he says that he's always loved me."

"I'm coming right over."

**5 Minutes Later**

Went down to make coffee for the was in the kitchen frying sausages in a thong.

Errrr,I don't mean the sausages were wearing little thongs,I mean Mum was frying sausages wearing, and wearing only,a -a-pongoes.

I said "I'm sure there's about a million health codes you're violating right now."

She turned and pointed the spatula at me."Shut should be happy I'm even cooking."

I had to leave in the end because Dad did this really disgusting thing.

As he went to get his toast, he passed Mum and smakced her bum,saying "I'd like it if you violated ME"

And Mum went all giggly and stupid,saying "Oh, stop it,Big Boy."

_Tres_ horrific.

**3 Hours Later**

The girls have only just left.I showed them the letter and told them about the beautiful thing,and they couldn't believe that Dave told me that I was the most beautiful girl in the world (to him at least).

Ellen dithered to life "Isn't that-I mean,like,er-"

I said "Yes,it was _tres tres_ I had Masimo then and he had Emma so he had no right to tell me..that."

Mabs said "So what are you going to do?"  
I said "I'll tell you one thing for free-I am not going to play second fiddle to a dim sort who bakes pasties and actually does her homework on time." and they all noded like noddy dogs on noddy tablets.

They all said I should Cool McCoolson,and act as slightly less mad.

Jas said "If you let him go and he comes back,it was meant to be." or something crap like that.I don't know,I wasn't really listening.

**Bed**

So,basically,I need to re-instate my glacierosity and maturosity and sophesticosty plans, like I did to entrance Robbie.

**2 Seconds Later**

And Masimo.

At any rate,I better get Mum's old Cosmos out.I am quite rusty on the subject.

**35 Minutes Later**

Soaking in the tub, with Mum's back issues of Cosmo,and WITH the door locked.

Much better.

**4 Minutes Later**

Get Him To Ring You...hmmmmm...this looks quite promising.

**5 Minutes Later**

OK,it says in here there are 6 rules for getting HIM to ring YOU:

1)Be direct and assertive, but not aggressive.

So that's like saying "Why haven't you rung me?" and NOT "Why have you not rung me,you wanker?":

OK,that's easy enough.

2)Be specific.

Like when you make a date, and say "Ring me later with the details."

Gooood why didn't I think of that earlier? It's brilliant !

Done and done.

3)Give positive encouragement-don't make him feel bad for not can text wherever, and no big deal, but you have to be home, at a good time, to make a phone call.

Like not when my loon of a family is in the country.

Hmm...that might be a bit more is really no set schedule when they're in,or out.

4)Tell him you're glad to hear from don't come off all stupid and desperate.

Like Wet Lindsay.

5)Keep calls less than 10 minutes long so they don't become awkward.

Isn't that the truth?

That's easy to do..I bet.

6)Leave short messages.

Yes,yes, leave them wanting more,hee hee.

**Monday,November 29th**

**Assembly**

Yes,it's my triumphant (umph umph umph) return !

We did a quick bout of 'Let's Go Down the Disco" dancing before morning prayer.

Slim was ecstatic to see chins were going all over the was Wobble City.

"Gee, as I am glad to see you are safe home I expect you to fully make up the entire MONTH you have missed."

Yeah,yeah yeah, tell it to your dietician. You sure need one.

Or five -one for each chin.

**R.E**

Miss Wilson was practically in tears when she saw me come in.

She hugged me (!) and said "I am so glad you're okay!" and she just stood there,hugging and sniffling for ages.

Rosie and Jas had to come and literally pry her off of me in the end (leave it).

As we got settled back down Rosie said "Her boyfriend,Miss Stamp, is going to be very jealous of you and Miss Wilson." and I had to duff Rosie up some.

**German**

Has everyone gone mental while I was gone?  
I said to Rosie "Do my eyes decieve me,is Herr Kamyer actually wearing proper trousers?"

Rosie said "He has been,for ages now."

Good Lord.

What else has happened while I was gone?

**Sports**

News breaking news !

Miss Stamp has shaved her moustache !

I know, amazing isn't it?

I said to Jas Things sure have changed since I've been abroad."

Jas looked at me "You were only gone a month."

"Yes,but Miss Stamp is shaving now, and Herr Kamyer is wearing ones,I mean."

Jas looked at me as if I've gone mad.

I may be.

**4p**

**Last Bell**

As we were getting our things together (i.e. I was standing as seeing-eye guard dog as the Girls applied lippy and did their hair) Jas said "So what are you going to do about the Dave situation?"  
Oh,damn,I haven't even thought about that (much).

What am I going to do if he's out,waiting with the rest of them?

I said "I plan to just walk on by exuding full glacierosity and maturosity and say nothing to him."

and Jas started honking and sounded like a mad goose.

I said nothing and looked at her.

After the longest time she stopped laughing and said "Wot?"

"I can be mature and full of glacierosity.I can ignore Dave just as well I ignore the Blunderboys."

Rosie but in "I still can't see how you let Mark Big Gob snog you."

I looked at her "Shut up."

Jools said "I'm suprised you weren't eating alive."

Bloody hell,shut up about Mark Big Gob.

To change the subject I said "I plan to make the most of the new,improved me, and the first step is to get on with my life."

Rosie said "And stop snogging your mates."

Jools looked at her "Oy,don't tell me your own the turn too!"

so I started making fake snogging faces to that's when Wet Lindsay slimed round the corner.

"Nicolson! 2 conduct points for innapropiate behaviour!"

What,what? I didn't do anything !

Jools said "She's just jealous" and I kicked her.


	5. It Would Be Worth It In The End

**it would be worth it in the end(oo-er)**

** 3rd**

**Bed**

I've been ignore-vousing Dave all 's vair vair hard keeps popping up all over the place (oo-er).

He was even in Boots when I was,trying on new lipsticks.

Er,I mean I was trying on new him.

At any rate,I was trying on new lipsticks in the little mirror display thing, and all of a sudden Dave pops up and says "Howdy!" .

It shocked me so much I nearly stuck my lippy into my eye.I turned to tell him off,but in the Saint Nick of time I remembered I wasn't talking to him anymore, and just left the shop.

It's a bit odd,seeing him everywhere all of a sudden.

It's like when Dave and I dated the first time,like 2 years ago, but I was using him as a Red Herring to make Robbie jealous, and didn't want to chance any hank-panky in the snogging department so I had the Ace Gang trail us and pop up at any time he tried to snog me.

It was like that.

I have a feeling he's been calling round to see where I would be.

It makes me feel a bit funny to see him,Like cry-y and happy and full of poonosity at the same time.

I was going over all this in _mein kopf _when Mum came in without knocking (_quelle_ suprise) and sat on my bed next to me.

"How are you feeling,Gee?You've not really said much all week."

I was suprised she even noticed.I looked at her "I am back home,in a town that everywhere I look,reminds me of do you think I'm feeling?"

She looked a bit tearful,like she was going to cry,which would have been horrific, but even more horrifyingly horrible she hugged me and said "Gee,I know.I worried about that too."

She let go of me and sat back "If you had a chance to get a way-to travel, just for a little bit,what would you say?"

I said 'I'd say..I'll be packed and ready to leave tommorrow."

She smiled "Good, that's good to 're having tea, do you want anything?"  
"No I think I am just going to lie here and consider suicide."

She stood up "OK, you need anything, shout." and she went out.

What was she going on about?

Oh,well, I have bigger fish to PANTS.

**12 Seconds Later**

FRY

Bloody hell,I meant I have bigger fish to FRY.

**Saturday,December 4th**

**8a**

Woke up to the phone ringing.I called out "The phone to your house is ringing!" but they snored on.

I do not want to answer it -what if it's Dave?I don't think I could handle hearing his voice right now.

But I musn't let it -I am a new,improved Gee and letting things bother me would be something the 'old Georgia' would have done.

The New,Improved Georgia is going to do her nails.

Besides,I heard Mum come out and pick up the phone.

**8.30a**

Was busy pushing back my cuticles when Mum burst in,all red faced and flushed.

"Gee, the London Times just called, for you."

I dropped my nailfile in suprise. "What?What for?"  
"Well, they heard about the whole Masimo thing, and how me and all your mates flew to rescue you, and they want to talk to ,they want to INTERVIEW you !"

Bloody flippin' Hell.

I'm a mess-I mean,I've not put on a face mask in ages !

**10a**

The Times wants me to come down tomorrow arvie and to do an interview with them.

They want all the details how Masimo exploited and took advantage of me.

Bloody hell,I'm going to be famous.

**10 Minutes Later**

Good Lord Sandra,what on Earth am I going to wear?

**2p**

I am seriosly having a meltdown.I tried everything on in my closet and I didn't like ANY of them.

Mum came in,saw the clothes scattered everywhere and sat on my bed "Spring cleaning?"  
I looked at Mum "Oh,ha ha.I can't find ANYTHING to wear for my interview!"

"Well, when they take your picture I assume it's only going to be chest up."

I had a mini spaz "They're going to take my picture?No bloody way !There wouldn't be any space on the page!"

Mum looked at me "What ARE you going on about?"

"My nose,Mum!It's the size of bloody Jupiter!" and I lay,face down on my bed.I screamed in frustration into my pillow.

Mum scooted up by my head and petted my hair "Gee,you have nothing to worry 's just a little 'll ask you a few questions,snap a pic or two, and it's done."

I rolled over to be face up "Don't worry about it?It's not YOUR ginormous conk that's going to be spread over the front pages of the _Times_!"

Mum looked at me for a bit,then was a bit freaky-deaky.

"Don't worry about it,I've got something else in mind" then she stood up and walked out.

Ooooh,now what fresh hell?

**6p**

It wasn't fresh hell -it was vair vair nice,tres chic hell, in the form of a new skirt,a pair of boots, and 5 new tops !

And what's more,Mutti and Vati talked it over last hight and decided grounding me wasn't fair, as I was a prisoner of sorts .

Riiiiight.

So I'm not grounded,I got 5 marvy new outfits AAAANNND I get to tell the world (well,England at least) what a slimy git Masimo really is !

**20 Seconds Later**

Hmmmm..I wonder if I could accidenhtally let it slip out about Wet Lindsay being a wet,useless weed too?

Hmmmmmm !

**Rang Jas**

"Jas,I have the marviest of marvy news!"

"Oh,god"

I heard Tom say in the background "Who is it?" and Jas say,off-phone ":Ít's only Georgia"

I said "Fine,I won't tell you about my marvy interview with the _Times_!" and slammed the phone down on her.

Tee hee hee That will show her !

**30 Minutes Later**

Was filing my nails when the phone rang.

Ah,here's Jas caling to apologize for being a sad sort who likes nature and is intertested in things,and beg me to forgive her.

I yelled down the tsairs 'Got it,Mum!" and skipped to the phone.

"Hello, calling to forgive me then?"  
"Forgive you?For what?"

Oohhh my giddygodstrousers,it was Robbie.

And even though he is my ex, and therefore yesterday's news, he still is yummy and beyond marvy looking.

He wants to talk !

**7p**

Put on a quick dash of concealer, foundation, powder, blushy,lippy, mascara,eyeliner, eye shadow and lip glos and lippy and went downstairs.

Mutti and Vati were on the couch,drinking wine and 'canoodlinng'.I very nearly said Erlack' but then remembered that they were the ones who un-grounded bought me new I just said "I'm going out with my mates.."

Vati said "Be back before 10" and went back to his wine.

It is sooo nice moon is full and sparkly on the snow.

Town looks like a Christmas town in the little snowglobe things that are only sold around Chrimboli-time.{_remember, they couldn't 'rescue' her from Masimo in USA sooner than they did because of all the snow in the first half? haha,tie in ,mwahahaha!}_.

I met Robbie at the clock was standing with his back to me,leaning against the looks soo gorgey and yummy and grrr.

Oh dear Lord,did I say that out loud?

I must have,because Robbie turned and smiled. Robbie said "Alright,Gee?"  
I smiled back at him "Just a ticke in my throat."

We went to Costo's and ordered 2 mochachinoos and sat down at a booth by the front.

We ralked a bit about London and the band. I said "I didn't realize you'd be here,in Brighton still."

Robbie said they were 'taking a break' before going on tour,in Spring.

We talked a bit about school and so forth,and how things have changed since I've bene gone.I told him about Herr Kmayer's proper trousers and he laughed.

He said "Actually, that's why I wanted to talk to you about."

I looked at him "Herr Kamyer's trousers?" and he smiled "No,about things going with Dave."

I sat back "Oh."

He looked at me "What?"  
"If you're here to pleade Dave's case for him, you can save your breath.I'm not waiting for that weed."

"Georgia,he's really hurting for what he did"

"Yes,mmm well, he told me he wanted to be with me and only me, and then as we circled round, he says oh and by the way,I have a girlfriend, so let's not see each other too much."

Robbie looked at me "He said that?"  
"Wel, not in so many wants us to date,but in secret,while he finds a way out with Emma."

Robbie looked at me for a bit. "Do you remembeer when I was with Lindsay,and couldn't find a way of finishing with her, what you said to me?"

"To dump Lindsay and date me instead"  
"No,well,yes,that too,but tide waits for no man and no man is an island"

I just looked at him.

He sighed and said "I just-I just think,you should give Dave a chance,you know,let him finish things up.I've seen you two have loads in common and get along would be worth it in the end."

I could feel a fit of mad gigles coming on.I took a sip of my coffee drink to try to keep composure and said "Well, I don't know.I've waited for everyone else for too long.I waited for you,then I waited for Masimo, and now I'm having to wait again.I don't think I can wait any longer."

**Bed**

We talked a lot more,but in the end, as we walked out of Costa's Robbie said "Well, let's just keep our chins up,shall we?" and gave me a little hug

I was in such a major tizz that I actually got home nearly an hour early.

As I was going up the stairs to go to bed Mum called out "Get plenty of rest,dear,you want to look good and fresh for your interview tomorrow."

Oh damn,damn,double damn,I forgot all about that.

I'm going to have to put a face mask and do intensive cleansing and toning work ,so I don't have black bags under my eyes tomorrow.'

**10 Minutes Later**

I wonder if Dave is with his so-called girlfriend Emma right now?

**3 Minutes Later**

Not that I care or anything.

**30 Seconds Later**

Much.


	6. The Big,Bad Jello Woman

**Oh, by the way,I don't own Georgia Nicolson,Masimo-Stupid-Scarlotti or Dave the Laugh, and so on...Louise Rennison does !**

**But the plot is my own :)**

**the big bad jello woman**

**Sunday,December 5th**

**9.15am**

Up bright and early.

When I went downstairs, Dad was in a .

And Mum was frying up bacon and soldiers and eggs for breakfast.

Double blimey.

As I sat down at the table I said "What's the occasion?"  
Mum ,without turning around, replied "Your interview today,remember?"  
Oooh,I had completely forgotten.

Dad's driving me up to London for the 're to leave at noon and I still had no clue what to do with my hair.

**11am,My Room**

I am completely surrounded by hair products. I have piece of hair that sticks up and I think I am going to be sick all down myself.

I am about to chop the bit of hair off and call it a day.

And my nervousosity is not helped by Mum and Dad coming in my room being all useless,going "Ooooh,only 5 minutes left!" and "Are you wearing that top with THOSE tights?'

Really,really useless.

I know they're excited,about my interview asnd all, but it's not them about to be interviewed and have their ginormous nose on a 2-page spread.

**11.30a**

I am making my way down the Losing It Scale,going from ditherspz to nervy b all in one go.I must have changed my outfit 10 times, I don't even have my makeup on yet.

Goooooooooooooood I am deady dead dead.

**11.50a**

Finally decided on short black skirt, white top ,with tights.

And I've still got 10 minutes for makeup and hair.

OH BLOODY HELL I FORGOT TO WASH MY HAIR !

**12.30p**

On the way to Lunnern barely din't make it.I had to wash my hair in the nose was about 2 centimetres from Vati's nose .

And we had to leave with my hair wet,without any time to curl the ends up or anything,so I am going to look like a madwoman with mad hair and runny mascara when we get Dad keeps reaching over to ruffle my hair,which he knows I HATE.

So I KNOW I am going to look like the madwoman of the forest (well,Brighton) when we get there.

**1p,London**

Stopped outside a brick building,painted hot pink.

I checked in the mirror-worst fears confirmed.I am Mrs. eyes are all tiny and red, and my hair is standing on end ,like I've been eletctrocuted, and my nose is flattened out all over my face.

Goooood,God,God,God.

I said to Dad "I can't do this" but he said "Don't be ridiculous" and forced me out of the car.

At least the Robin Reliant is in the car shop and he had to take the regular car out.

Dad opened the door for me,saying "After you."

He is unusually fat.

**2p**

The pink building wasn't the _Times_ at all, but a hair studio! And what's more,Mutti arranged me an appointment there to get everything done-hail,nails, everything.

I feel like a whole new woman and at least 10 inches taller.

The hairdresser,Paulo, was very was French, and wore teeny-tiny kept hitting on Dad,untilll Dad went out to 'get some air'.He was gone for the rest of the hour,tee-hee.

As soon as he was gone Paulo said "So, tell me about zees boy,you are getting hot for a boy zen,yes?"

I told him about the _Times_,and I was through Paulo clicked his tongue and said "Zos Italian boys, zey are vaiiir passionate, _c'est vrai_?"

And I replied _'Oui_,vair vair _vrai_." Paulo was very excited I spoke French(ish).

I even convinced Paulo to put light blonde highlights in my hair ,for a more sophisticated look.

At the end of the appointment, he kissed me on both cheeks (oo-er!) and said "You tell this boy next time you see him,if her hurts you, Paulo will hunt him down!" which was very cool.

**5p**

The interview went asked me all sorts of questions which made me very nervous,like if I had ever kissed a boy before him (er,yes, of times I mean,and only with two boys, not loads of boys.I'm not a tart or anything),and whether I've been abroad before (yes,to France.I loved it,except for all the French people in it),and they asked about school (It's okay,my favorite bits of school is drama,it's always a good laugh, and are writing about the family Koch).

Then they asked about Masimo, how he acted, whter he was a gentleman at first,did he have alot of girlfriends,and so on.

I felt a bit odd answering them.

I don't know what I'd do if someone printed a piece all about kept asking me if Masimo forced me to go ,like a hostage.I didn't want to say no,because that's what I told everyone he the interviewer-type asked me whether or not Masimo and I did..anything.

I was taking a sip of water when they asked me,and nearly spit it all out all over him .

I dithered about how to answer that one question,especially.I mean,yes,we did,but it was consented (ish).But if I tell them that,they'll print the story up like I was some sad stalkery girl..

Like Ellen.

So I told them he made me go, and forced me to do...things.I even managed to squeeze out a few tears.I think the interviewer believed me because he gave me a box of tissues and patted me on the back.

I'm just glad they took the picture before the showed me the negative and I'm quite pleased at the result.I look at least 18 in I remembered to smile with my tongue behind me top teeth and suck my nose in at the same time.

The paper is going to publish the story tomorrow,early.I gave them the adresses of the Ace Gang and they'll send them all a copy,too.

**6p**

When I got in Libby was dressing Angus in her fairy put him down and ran in when she heard me come in.

"Ginger,gingey hihihihih!"

She reached her arms up "Hug,ginger"

I said "Not now,I'm tired and -ow, don't bloody kick me!"

**8p,Bed**

Forced to play 'fairy godmother' with Libby because Dad heard me not fair.

I even said that to Dad,I said "Vati,I've heard you say worse in front of her!" and he just said "Yes,well I am the adult."

And he was wearing a shirt that said "I'm With Stooopid' with an arrow pointing up on it.

** 6th**

**7am**

Met Jas at her was sitting on the wall,munching toast and reading the paper which,I just happened to notice,had my picture on front.

I snuck up up behind her and yelled "_Bonjour,sex bombe!"_ she had a nervy spaz and fell off the wall,exposing her really does wear the bigest knickers known to man and elephant kind.

She didn't talk to me at first, but as we got to the school gates she said, "I didn't realize you had such a time over in America."

I looked at her and she said "What I mean is,I'm sorry I yelled at you Saturday.I just thought you were hving fun,skipping school,doing snogging and just generally whatever you wanted while the rest of us worked, and I'm sorry I snapped at you."

I put my arm around her "It's OK,I just wrote it off to ,I'm used to you shouting at me."

Jas said "Great, so do you mind if I show this to Tom after school then?"

I said "Yes,I'll even autograph it for him!"

And she looked at me as if I'v gone mad.

**Assembly**

While Slim going on about our souls and so on,I passed the newspapaer article down the line.

Rosie said "So what are you going to do with your new celebrity status?"  
I said "This is for all the little people."

Ellen looked at me "You mean, liker...erm..you know dwarves and so on?"

'Don't be dim.I mean the little titches, so they don't fall victim to Italian Sex Gods with gorgey eyes and hot blood."

I didn't even see Wet Lindsay approach untill she was standing directlyn behind me.

She snatched the papaer out of my hand and looked at it "You're reading during morning prayer?I am going to have to tell Miss last person caught got two reprimands and was given caretaker dutie for a week." and she slimed off.

I said "Teacher's botty kisser" but only quietly,so she wouldn't hear.

**German**

Herr Kamyer is teaching us the family tree of the family Koch. He was saying

"Und der little Koch married der Frauline Lichenstie and became Frau Lichenstie-Koch."

We were breathless with laughter.

Herr Kamyer didn't get why we were laughing, though, and just stood there, blinking and saying "Wot is so funny when I say Lichenstie-Koch?" which would just set us off more.

We were laughing like mad when Slim came to tell us we were being too loud.

I said "But we are just learing der family tree of the Lichenstie-Kochs !"

Slim got all red-faced. "Miss Nicolson, come to my office,NOW."

**2 Minutes Later**

Forced to follow her out,back to her really has got the biggest sort of goes one way as her hips go the other it's detachable or when she goes up the stairs.

Not that I enjoy looking at her bum-I am stuck walking behind her and have no choice but to see it,it is so very,very huge.

When she got to her offfices Wet Lindsay was there weeding she saw me she smirked but I ignored her.

Slim went and sat behind her desk and I sat down in a chair in front of it.

She sat there and looked at me for the longest time.I was afraid she was going to eat me but then she said "I saw the article you were reading this morning during morning I've told you on numerous accounts to not bring trash articles into my school."

Uh-oh.

She went on "And then I read it,just now.I was very shocked to learn about your relationship with this...Masimo boy.I've seen you two canoodling outside the school gates."

Oh god, she was going to kill and quite possibly eat me.

'But I am very proud of how courageously you stood up and told your story."

What?

"I would like to have you re-tell it,possibly emphasizing the dangers of young dating, at a special Assembly in two days time."

I looked at ?Speak in front of EVERYONE?

"And if and when you do,I may reconsider giving you detention and caretaker's assistant duties for two weeks."

Bloody Hell,she was blackmailing me !

She templed her fingers and sat back "So,Georgia,what do you have to say?"  
"I'll do it."

Slim smiled (scary bananas!) and said "Ok,that's all .Go back to class." and let me out.

Lindsay smirked as I left,figuring I was getitng a chin-bashing, but I just smiled at her and went .

**R.E.**

Rosie sent me a note "Did the Big Bad Jello Woman beat you with her chins?"  
I wrote 'No,but she did say 'canoodling'"

Rosie gave me all her midget gems.

**Break**

As we settled down on the heaters with our cheesy snacks,Jas said "So how long have you got detention,then?"

I looked at her "What makes you think I've got detention?" and she just looked at me

"Actually, I was threatened with detention for reading during Morning Prayer, but then Sim said she'd not put me on Elvis Assitant duties if I re-told my story,_vis-a-vis_ Masimo at a special Assembly on Wednesday."

The Ace Gang were all as two things.

Jools said "So you're gonig to tell everyone what a wanker Masimo is?"  
"Yes, and Slim told me to tell about the dangers of young dating, whatever that means."  
Jas said "What she means is the dangers of peer pressure, and date rape, and getting involved too deep with things you couldn't possibly understand."

I looked at all did.

As the bell went I said "So, all I have to do is tell how to avoid being duped by any gorgey Italian-types?" and Rosie said "Yuppers."

That should be easy.I've got TONS of experiance in that department.

**Walking Home**

Tom,Sven,Rollo and the rest were waiting by the gates as school let out.

The girls immediately fell apart and went all dim and stupid when they saw even tried to do hip-hip-flick-flicky but missed and ran into a street said 'Oww' for ages.

We all laughed including me but I didn't really mean it.

I wonder where Dave is?Probably off baking sad pasties with his equally sad girlfriend.

I don't see how he can go with her when he had a chance with me.I mean,she's nice and all but she seems a bit serious for Dave.

I mean,she does her HOMEWORK for Buddha's sake !

I was mulling all this over in my brain box,i.e. _mein kopf_, and didn't even notice Rollo had said anything untill Jas elbowed me and said "So how WAS it?"

I had a mental image of Dave the Laugh saying "OO-er" in my up,Dave.

"How was...what?"

Jas looked at me as if I'd sprouted antlers "The do you think it went?

'Oh,,it was asked me alot of questions, like how I liked Hamburger-a-go-go Land and about school at first, then they went on to ask about Masimo."

Rosie said thickly through a jelly sarny "Like wot?"

"Well, how we met, was he nice to me and a gentleman or whatever,you know, stuff."

Tom said "We read the article this morning, me and my mum were really brave, telling all like you did."

"Hmp."I was feeling a bit like must have seen this because he put his arm around very nice-in a big-brother type way.

We were at the top of my road by stopped walking but Tom kept his arm 'round me.

He said "A lot of guys thought you were mad, which you are,no doubts ...we have to say,not many would stand up for it like you 're proud of is,even."

Now I really did want to cry.

I shrugged Tom's arm off my shoulders and said "Yes,well, I've to run."

I could feel big tears plopping down my face.

I couldn't see properly but I sort of sensed Jas and Tom look at each other.

Rosie said "Er, maybe you guys should go on."

The guys said "S'laters' and peeled off after alot of hugs and kisses in Rollo and Ellen's case.

Someone put their arm around me and I could dimly hear Rosie say "Let's get her inside."

**Bed**

I feel like I could cry and cry and then sleep for about a thousand years.

I don't even know WHY I'm crying.

I must be going mad.


	7. You'll Get It All In The End

**Oh, by the way,I don't own Georgia Nicolson,Masimo-Stupid-Scarlotti or Dave the Laugh, and so on...Louise Rennison does !**

**But the plot is my own :)**

**you'll get it in the end **

**Tuesday,December 7th**

**8am**

Woke up with panda eyes.I could barely open them, beause all of the mascara had run then globbed together.

**Loo**

Looking in the mirror.

I quite like my panda I'll leave it this way.

And if anyone asks me why I did,I can say 'I have been on the rack of love then off again,And I have found it doesn't matter how you look or how many mates you have,you'l get what you deserve in the end "

Hmmmmm...that doesn't sound quite right

**Walkng to Hell,aka Stalag 14 **

Was on the way out the door but Mum caught me and forced me to go wash up.

I've got a red,scrubbed face like a first former. Or a jogging ...at any rate,I'm sooo glad I'm not on the rack of love right now.I don't think any amount of foundation would hide my redness of the whole head.

**Last Bell**

Today has been hell, 8 hours of boredom followed by a severe telling-off from because I laughed when Lindsay missed the bottom step of the main stairs and fell on her bottom.

The boys were at the gate and were all friendly to tried to get me to join them in a Viking Bison Disco Inferno but my heart really wasn't into it.

I said "S'laters." and walked on ahead.

I was walking along,minding my own business and didn't notice Dave untill I had nearly run him over.

He said "Woah,girls" but only he said it to my nunga-nungas.

Then he looked at my face and went "Blimey you're red."

He looked at me for a long did't even look like himself he looked...well,not like Dave the Laugh.

I said "Take a picture,it will last longer." and he held up the paper. "I've got one."

I felt my head go reder-er.

"Is this all true,what you said here?"  
'Errr...Most of it ."

Dave looked down at the artice and read outloud "She loves having laughs with her mates, boys and girls alike, but especially the Ace Gang, consisting of her closest friends,Jasmine,Julie,Rosemary,Mabel,Ellen,Honor,Sophie and the boys,Sven,Tom and Robbie Jennings and Dave 'the Laugh' Percy who she had dated for a while but it never worked out due to liking someone more at the time."

OH GOD,I forgot about that .

He looked at me ,I felt like I was melting.

"At the time?"  
"Er,Robbie, remember...Red Herring plan ...ring any bells?"

He stepped closer "Yes, but what about now?"

My throat felt like I had swallowed a wad of cotton balls. I swallowed.

'Now..." I looked at him "We're mates,aren't we?"

Dave took a step back."Ah."

He looked at me odd and a mad look passed over his face, and I thought for one scary second he was going to hit me, but then the look was gone and instead he read more from the paper.

"Masimo was very gentle and caring but when it came to staing at the hotel everything changed.W slept seperately for the first few nights,despits his insistence we share a bed and I rejected anyadvances he made,but then one night, right after rehearsels, it became upet, I think it was because I hadspilled soy sauce on his leaher jacket, and threatened to leave me here on my own-or worse -if we didn't sleep together,so I did."

Dave looked up."You told me hadn't."

Uh-oh.I looked back to see where the rest were but they were still at the bottom of the hill.

Dave grabbed my hand.I looked at him "You're hurting me."

"You lied to me,after all this time, you lied."

'Well it doesn't matter, does it?When were you going to tell me about Emma?"  
He dropped my hand. '"What does she have to do with anything?"  
"Everything, you stupid arseYou told me-well what you told me, then you say 'hey, by theway,.we need to play it cool for a while until I dump my girlfriend."

He said "That's-thats totally know how irresistable I am,Love." and smiled.

Ooooooh,he makes me SOOOO angry!

"I've got news for you-you AREN'T irresistable and DON'T call me loveWe're mates and that's all we'll ever be!" I was yelling by now.

The Ace Gang had reached the corner and by their faces I could safely guess they had heard everyting we'd said.

I heard Jas say "Blimey."

Dave looked mad, saidin a low voice "You know that's not true, don't say that."

I put my face really,really close to his "Just..mates."

He stepped back and stumbled on a bit of . It would have been good if he had fallen but he caught himself in time .

"You know how you are Georgia, and in a few days you'll be ringing me wanting to talk."

"No I won't."

"You will and what's more you're going to be sorry."

"I'm sorry I even met you."

Dave was agog.I couldn't beleive I had even said that.I looked back at the Ace Gang and they were all standing there with their mouths open like beached fish (or beached whales in Jas' case..she really has been putting on weight lately).

Dave wasn't done, reached up a hand and ran a finger down my made me go all stupid inside.

Dave looked me in the eyes for a moment then said "I'm not,you're the best thing that has happened to me" and leaned in for a kiss.

I could feel my coach for Jelloid City had arrived and I was about to hop on but I managed to come to my senses and stop myself in time,and I pulled my head back.

"No."

Dave straightened up "No?No what?"

"No,I don't want ..I don't think I even want to be mates with you anymore."

I could feel the tears plopping down my face.

Dave looked red round the eyes, like he was going to cry,too.

He said "You-I meant what I said,everything."

I looked at him "If you did you wouldn't've gone back with Emma."

"I was so sad...I mean, you left and -and I thought I was never going to see you again.I've never got over you,not when I heard you'd gone with Masimo-" He looked at me.A little tear was running down his cheek . "I wished I would never see you again."

"Well, now you get your wish."

I turned to leave but he grabed my arm to stop me.  
'But I didn'tmean it !"

I stopped, just for a second, and turned to look at him.

"You say alot of things you don't mean,huh?You'll get it in the end. Goodbye forever,Dave." and I turned and joined up with my mates.


	8. Gel Swoon Gia

**REVIEWS :**

IluvDTLandGeeNicks :Oy ! How dare you take my bum in vain !

Chaela-laughluuurver : Don't cry ! You'll need your strength to read my beyond fabbity fab stories !

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hilaryemma45 : Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ! Updated ! ^_^

_Dave grabbed my hand.I looked at him "You're hurting me."_

_"You lied to me,after all this time, you lied."_

_'Well it doesn't matter, does it?When were you going to tell me about Emma?"  
He dropped my hand. '"What does she have to do with anything?"  
"Everything, you stupid arseYou told me-well what you told me, then you say 'hey, by the way,.we need to play it cool for a while until I dump my girlfriend."_

_He said "That's-thats totally know how irresistable I am,Love." and smiled._

_Ooooooh,he makes me SOOOO angry!_

_"I've got news for you-you AREN'T irresistable and DON'T call me love! We're mates and that's all we'll ever be!" I was yelling by now._

_The Ace Gang had reached the corner and by their faces I could safely guess they had heard everyting I said._

_I heard Jas say "Blimey."_

_Dave looked said in a low, low voice "You know that's not true, don't say that."_

_I put my face really,really close to his "Just..mates."_

_He stepped back and stumbled on a bit of pavement. It would have been good if he had fallen over, but he caught himself in the Saint Nick of time ._

_"You know how you are Georgia, and in a few days you'll be ringing me wanting to talk."_

_"No I won't."_

_"You will and what's more you're going to be sorry."_

_"I'm sorry I even met you."_

_Dave was agog.I couldn't beleive I had even said I was the one that said it !_

_I looked back at the Ace Gang and they were all standing there with their mouths open like beached fish (or beached whales in Jas' case..she really has been putting on weight lately)._

_Dave wasn't done, reached up a hand and ran a finger down my made me go all stupid inside._

_Dave looked me in the eyes for a moment then said "I'm notsorry,because you're the best thing that has happened to me" and leaned in for a kiss._

_I could feel my coach for Jelloid City had arrived and I was about to hop on but I managed to come to my senses and stop myself in time,and I pulled my head back._

_"No."_

_Dave straightened up "No?No what?"_

_"No,I don't want ..I don't think I even want to be mates with you anymore."_

_I could feel the tears plopping down my face._

_Dave looked red round the eyes, like he was going to cry,too._

_He said "You-I meant what I said,everything."_

_I looked at him "If you did you wouldn't've gone back with Emma."_

_"I was so sad...I mean, you left and -and I thought I was never going to see you again.I've never got over you,not when I heard you'd gone with Masimo-" He looked at me.A little tear was running down his cheek . "I wished I would never see you again."_

_"Well, now you get your wish."_

_I turned to leave but he grabed my arm to stop me.  
'But I didn't mean it !"_

_I stopped, just for a second, and turned to look at him._

_"You say alot of things you don't mean,huh?You'll get it in the end. Goodbye forever,Dave." and I turned and joined up with my mates._

**~~~~~~~~GEL SWOON GIA~~~~~~~**

**Wednesday,December 8th**

**8am**

Up with a start.I don't even remember going to bed.

4**0 Seconds Later,the Loo**

Or putting on these pj's...

**10 Seconds Later**

OH,God!

That means Mum must have undressed me !

How horrific.

I may be traumatised for the rest of my life and will be paying therapists' fees out the -hey,I smell bacon frying !

**Kitchen**

Wandered into the was frying up bacon in her

.

I sat down across from Dad and said "You know, people can see they don't always want don't even sometimes want to."

Dad shot me a look.I shut up.

"You seemed really upset last night so I called your school for will be here with your homework later."

"Wait,WHAT?" Mum actually did something right for once?

She slid sausages and bacon on the plate in front of me.

AND she cooked?

What in the name of Our Dear Lord Sandra is going on?

"What in the name of Our Dear Lord Sandra is going on?"

Mum shot dad a look and he shook his head.

Huh.

"Nothing, we just want to you to get better..."

I looked at her suspiciously. "Youre not preggers are you?"

"No,Gee."

I looked at Dad "Oh, you're the one that's knocked up !" which I thought was _tres _hilarious,but he didn't.

"Georgia,if you can't say anything useful,SHUT UP!"

**My Room**

I am lonely as a clud.

No,lonlier.

I have said it once, and I'll say it again...Worauf wollen Sie hinaus?

Really.

I am sooo sad and full of poonisty I even said it in German.

THAT is how much I DON'T CARE.

I wanna go to bed and sleep forever and ever and ever...

**20 Seconds Later**

I think I will.

**Saturday,December 11th**

**1:25pm**

What-what time is it?

Better question,what DAY is it?

I feel like I've slept forever.

**23 Seconds Later,Opened the Curtains**

The light hurts my eyes-ow bloody ow.I feel like a leper,being allowed back into light,and out of the dungeons or whatever.

Where are my bloody sunglasses?

**2 Seconds Later**

And what is that babbling noise downstairs?

If Mum and Dad are doing something horrific in the bath I am going to throw myself down the stairs.

And I mean it (this time).

**1 Minute Later**

Hmmm...they're not in the loo...

**30 Seconds Later**

Went downstairs.

Well,I say 'went' but what I really mean is missed the first 5 steps and fell head-over-arse the rest of the way down.

Good thing I wasn't wearing a skirt.

Or a boob top.

**3 Seconds Later**

Jas ran over and helped me up.

I know it was her because who else would wear Welligogs and the tiniest skirt known to humanity with the biggest knickers known to,er,elephant-tanity?

Or circuses?

"Bloody Hell,Gee,are you OK?"

She put me into a chair.

"I'm OK .Jas?"

"Yeah?"

"Errrmm..what day is it?"

"Welll-"

"Hooornnn,Ja Horn !"

I felt my self get picked up and swung round a blonde furry thing before I was dumped on the floor.

"Sven,you adorable furry fool,please put Georgia down."

"OOff."

What in the name of arse?

**1/2 A Second Later**

I blinked a couple times but still can't see.

Maybe if I pried my eyes open...stupid bloody mascara.

**12 Seconds Later**

Bloody flipping hell,everyone is here...Mom,Vati,Uncle Eddie,Grandad,Maise,plus the Ace Gang and the Lads,sans Dave,of course,plus,even...

"Robbie?What -what?"

I grabbed a towel and threw it over myself.

I know he is just an ex but blimey he's even more gorgey than I remember.

"What are YOU doing here?"

He shifted a bit,then said "I was in the area."

I looked at Mutti "What day is it?"  
"It's Saturday."

Bloody Hell,I've been out for 3 days?

I have GOT to sit down.

**20 Seconds Later**

Why is everyone staring at me?

**1 Minute Later**

And why is my bum all..mooshy ?

**20 Seconds Later**

Typical-I sat on a bloody (not literally, you fules!) cake.

From what I have scraped from my bum,it either says "Get Well Soon,Georgia!"

Or "Gel swoon Gia"

**2 Seconds Later**

Probably the 'get well soon' one.

Most likely.

**20 Minutes Later**

Mutti and Vati actually did something semi-sane for once and organised a get-well party!

And what's more,it's for me!

And what is even MORE more, as we sat down to eat the cake (Sven offered to lick my pants but Rosie wouldn't have any of I think she said he could lick hers laters...Ooer) Mutti and Vati said "Have a nice time" and took Libby out to eat.

Yah ! We've got the house to ourselves!

**45 Minutes Later**

Went to the living room for pressies.

Jas was acting (hahahaha) all dim and frigney "Pick mine first! It'll die if you don't!"

I held the box away from me "Oh,god,it's not a toasted newt is it?"

She gave me the evils. "Don't be stupid! It's a cycad!"

I looked at her blankly. We all did.

Even stupid Hunky, hahahahaha.

Jas said slowly is if WE were the dim ones "It's a dioecious evergreen,dating all the way back to 300 mya,and-"

Robbie closed his eyes and pretended to snore.

What a larf.

He has got cute eyes, and he's sort of let his hair grown out...DOWN BOTTOM,DOWN!

**2 Seconds Later**

Robbie saw me looking and winked.

Oh ye Gods how, and why, am I getting jelloid?

He is an ex and literally yesterday's news.

**20 Seconds Still Later**

But vair vair gorgey,if I may say so myself.

And I did.

**1 Hour Later,My Room**

All aloney on my owney again.

Everyone's gone..The boys were having a pick-up footie match in the park and the girls went along to 'chat' but really they were going to apply makeup and drool over the boys.

As they were going out the door Jools said "Coming Gee?"

"No,I don't really feel up to it."

Jools gave me a big hug and said 'OK,I 'll be round at yours tomorrow for the details,'kay?"

I nodded and she hugged me again and rushed out.

Probably to snog her boyfriend.

**1 Minute Later**

I hate my life.

**20 Minutes Later**

And what in the name of arse is Robbie doing here?

I thought he dumped Lindsay for Maoris.

Or whatever?


	9. Fish Head In A Frock

_**1 Minute Later**_

_I hate my life._

_**20 Minutes Later**_

_And what in the name of arse is Robbie doing here?_

_I thought he dumped Lindsay for Maoris._

_Or whatever?_

**I don't own Georgia or any of the characters,especially Sven and his furry shorts...Louise Rennison does.**

**I don't own the Blah Blah Blah Song,...a nifty little band called ****Antsy McClain and the Trailer Park Troubadours wrote it !**

**The One That Doesn't Suck -Barry Mitchell**

**I don't own I WANNA KISS HER BUTT...****Tim Cavanagh does!**

**Hi****l****aryEmma****-**Don't have a spazarama ! My new super-duper pooper scooper chappies es twat!Erm,es toi...oh,you know what I mean !

**Fransesca-**Thanks,and keep on reviewing my lovely ! (in a non-lesbian way,butt of course).

**Chaela-laughluuurver** -Fanks !And hold onto your tights, updating sooner then,erm,,once a month ! I promise!It's gets a LOOOOT sadder-er-er-er before it ends up...well,you'll see *insert evil laugh here*

..oo-er!

**DevineOne** -Fanks for sticking round for my madnosity ! ^_^

Drumrolllll please...

**CHAPPIE 9**

**Fish Head in A Frock**  
**Sunday,December 12th**

**7pm,My Room**

Mum insisted I go to bed early, but on the bright side she made Libby stay out so I could 'get rested' for school tomorrow.

Which is good,because Mutti Vati and Libs went to a seafood place, Cap'n Punchies or something sad like that, and had brought home a fish head for Angus, but now Libby has kept it and put a frock on it (don't ask) and calls her "Barney".

**20 Minutes Later**

I wonder what Dave is doing? ...

**Monday,December 13th**

**7am**

Woke up sharing a pillow with a fish head in a frock.

**Jas'**

Met Jas at the usual.

Jas was sititng on the wall exposing her ginormous knickers to the world and everyone who would want to see them (i.e. no-one) eating a jelly butty but when she saw me puffing up the hill she huffed and jumped off the wall and walked on to school.

**2 Minutes Later**

She really does have the biggest butt known to all elephantdom.

**1 Minute Later**

Beside's Slim,butt of course (oo-er!).

**Assembly**

The Ace Gang went mental at my triumphant return.

That is to say,Jas stopped fiddling her fringe (ooer) long enough to say "Why do you smell like fish?"

Cheers,mate.

Rosie said "Hey hey did you hear-they're hiring a new Elvis!"  
I looked at her "Oh,no,how can they find a replacement Elvis to do...erm,whatever it is that he does!"  
Jools said "You mean stand round being a perv?"  
"Yes,that!"

**3 Minutes Later**

Hmmmmm that explains the titches wearing stickers on their berets that say "Choose One That Doesn't Suck." out front this morning.

**Break**

News breaking news!

There's to be an inter-sexual,no no no,that's not what I mean...an inter-school,type dance...it's in December and it's called an Autumn Daze dance.

Even though it's nearly winter.

That's how crap it is.

I said that to the Ace Gang,I said "It's sure to be if Slim is there."

But,as usual,everyone was off being too rude to listen to my problems.

Jools said "I wonder if the Foxwood Lads will be there."

Oh,God.

Rosie said 'I hope there won't be punch,the sugar in it makes Svenny hyper and he's bound to get carried away."

I said "He should be."

The dance is the last day of school,next Tuesday,the 21st.

**4 Minutes Later**

Oh, God,I just realized something **-**the 21st is Dave's birthday.

Oh,bloody Hell.

**Maths**

Slim made the first-formers take the stickers off.

I think Lindsay had something to do with it.I saw her terrorising a bunch of first-years earlier in the hall.

I just figured she was jealous they had real nunga-nungas and she had to wear stupid rubber ones.

Ha.

**Last Bell**

Finally, freedom !

Nearly stampeded a bunch of titchy first-formers runinng for the gates, but oh,well.

Huff huff,puff puff.

Rosie nearly barelled me over, trying to keep she said "Why are you in a rush to get to the gates Gee?"

I stopped running.

Hmmm,good am I?

**3 Minutes Later**

Rosie interuppted my pondernosity by saying "Well,think fast Gee,here come the Lads, and I must say a CERTAIN one is looking wayyy fit" and she winked.

Shutup,shut up winking !

I looked was in all black today,even his erm...nailpolish?

Dave saw me looking and yelled "You can't keep away from me,can you Gee-Gee?"

Oh, Hell's Bells, he isn't going to make this easy,is he?

**2 Seconds Later**

No,is the answer you're looking for.

**1 Minute Later**

I said to the Gang, loud enough for Dave to hear "Well,I must be off,to prepare for my big date".

Jas stood there,full of confusidosity.

I said slowly "You know...Jas...with the footie player..."

Rosie elbowed her and Jas jumped about 100 feet.

She must have cottoned on,because she said "oh, yeah,HIM" then started laughing like a constipated robot.

I think you see what I mean.

I siad out of the corner of my mouth to Jools "Remind me to kill her later."

then I said,out loud "Ta ta, I'll give you all the dirty deets laters!"

Then I looked at the Lads.

They were looking at me agog and full of confusidnosity.

I winked at them. "S'laters,boys" and did hip-hip flicky all the way to town

Ha.

She who laughs last erm...laughs last.

**5 Minutes Later**

Unfortuneately, this means I am going to have to hide from the boys for a few hours.

If they see me alone, they'll be sure to go to Dave and say something daft ,like "Yes,I saw her in was 're right,mate,she really can't keep away from you."

And I bally well can't can I?

**4 Minutes Later**

I mean,he's not the one pretending to go on a date with an invisble footie player.

**3 Minutes Later**

If he was,that would make him a homosexualist,though.

Shut up,brain.

**9pm,Bed**

I ended up crouching in a dressing room for about 5 hours before someone told on me and I was dragged out and some big woman who literally patted me

all over to make sure I wasn't stealing was probably a had a full-blown moustache and everything.

At any rate, she patted me over and once I was clear I made a run for home.

And when I got in Mum and Dad were on the anything on.

And that is not the worse part,nooo.

They saw me sneaking in and lectured me for about 2 hours for not calling them,where was I,I could have been dead.,blah blah blah.

You know,useless 'Parenting' crap.

So,I am grounded for three weeks,I have got an invisible,and possibly homosexualist footie-player boyfriend, and when I got into bed Barney was wearing false eyelashes and one of my bras.

Good grief and good night.

**Tuesday,December 14th**

**8am**

Met Jas at the gate.

She was digging through her rucksack but when she saw me she fell into step alongside me.

She was quiet for a bit,but I heard a chewy annoying sound.I looked at her and she was chewing her lip.

Huh.I guess she got tired of eating her fringe.

We walked along like that for a bit, Jas eating her lip and me saying nothing then Jas stopped suddenly and said "Look,Gee,I'm sorry I've not been a good ;s just Tom's going away to look at unis in Hamburger-a-go-go Land over Chrimboli break and I have been going nuts counting the minutes till he leave,s and I forgot all about you and how you need to be selfish and talk about your problems."

She looked at me all snuffly "So,what I am saying is,ermm..."

"Jas,if you are proposing I am going to have to kill you.I've told you again and again,I am not a I am not going to be in a menage-a-trois with you and Tom and voles,no matter HOW much you beg me."

She went beetroot, but instead of getting mad, or kicking me she said "So you forgive me then?"

I looked at her "I guess, but don't ask me to hug you,I still feel violated from the last lesbian that attacked me."

She looked at me like I was alien.  
"What on Earth are you talking about,Georgia?"

**Assembly**

I told Jas what happened at Miss Selfridge's and of course, being Radio Jas ,she blabbed it all to the Ace Gang, but they were all nice and supportive and Jools even gave me all of her black midget there's a silver cloud to every lining.

As were settling for first prayer and so on Rosie whispered "Did you hear,Dave's birthday is the day of the dance?"  
I looked at her "So?"

"So,are you going then?He's bound to be there."

"Being the bounder he is, no.I've got better things to do."

Jas snorted "Like hide in a changing room for 5 hours?"

I kicked at her but she jumped away and said "Ohh,,,touched a nerve have I? He may not even 's going to some comedy gig Thursday night and if it goes well he'll be moving off to London."

What,what?  
But before I could ask what she meant Slim shuffled onto the stage and gave us her usual "Settle girls,settle" crap like we're pigeons or something.

**Break**

I have GOT to ask Jas but I can't out if I do she'll think I luuurve I don't.

**3 Seconds Later**

I don't think.

**3 Minutes Later**

As we unwrapped our cheese sarnies I said 'So,ermmm,Jas,find any interesting toasted newts?"  
She got all dim and starry-eyed and said "Yes!We found a nest, with a clutch of eggs, and of course they must be old,because they lay so early,but Tom's going to keep them,and see if-"

I said "Yes, yes,yes,great, did you mean,'if all goes well Dave'll be moving to London' ?"

Jas looked at me as if I was stupid.

Maybe I am.

I don't know.

"What on Earth are you talking about?"

I grabbed her by her tie and pulled her about 3 inches from my face "Tell me what you mean by when you said this morning, and I quote, 'if all goes well Dave'll be moving to London' or your tie gets it!" 

"Fine, don't wet your knickers, all I know is Dave's off to meet this Tim Cavanagh bloke and if he likes Dave's act he'll go join him being a writer or whatever."

I let go of Jas' tie and she fell back but I was in too much shock to think.

Dave?

Gone?

What was I going to do?

And,better yet...why do I care?


	10. I Wanna Kiss Her But

**I don't own I WANNA KISS HER BUTT...****Tim Cavanagh does!**

**I don't own Georgia or any of the characters,especially Sven and his furry shorts...Louise Rennison does.**

**Nor do I own the song "I'm Everything (parody of Michael Buble's Anything)...Robert Lund does**

**HilaryEmma-Do NOT faint !If you do I will send the camels after you ! Abnd ben dur balk bike bis and the camels will have ate your soul ! (though why you talk like that I have no clue.) ^_^**

**Chaela-laughluuurver**** -You don't know the half of it (Ooo-er!) !**

**I WANNA KISS HER...BUT**

_"Fine, don't wet your knickers, all I know is Dave's off to meet this Tim Cavanagh bloke and if he likes Dave's act he'll go join him being a writer or whatever."_

_I let go of Jas' tie and she fell back but I was in too much shock to think._

_Dave?_

_Gone?_

_What was I going to do?_

_And,better yet...why do I care?_

**Thursday,December 16th**

**4pm**

Last bell,thank God.

Dave goes to the comedy gig thing tonight and I have been nervy all morning thinking about it.

And I don't even know is yesterday's .I have the newspaper cut-out in my room to prove it.

**9pm**

Dave'll be at the Tim Cavanagh gig by now...I don't see why.

Isn't he an old-timey type Och Aye Land actor,or something?

**30 Minutes Later **

Good Lord,I hope that Dave isn't thinking of moving to Och Aye will be more than I can handle.

**2 Minutes Later**

Unless he comes back wearing a kilt,and not much underneath...

OH MY GOD I have got the Cosmic Horn very quite badly !

**8pm**

Good Lord Sandra.

I was just going to sleep when Libby crawled into bed with me and whacked me upside the head with a sing-alonga know,you press the button and it plays music as you read.

Vair annoying.

I tired to say "Bibbsy, why don't you-"

But then she whacked me in the ear again "No,bad boy,READ!"

It was Big Rocky Candy Mountain.

**2 Hours Later**

Thank My Good Lord Sandra she finally drifted off to Bobo she asked me where Big Rock Candy Mountain was one more time I may have a complete nervy B.

**Friday,December 17th**

**Last Bell**

Last Bell,finally.

What a dull day to end a vair dull week.

I've not seen Dave yet.

I am a bit nervous to talk to him,but I have to if I am going to know if he is staying or not.

I can't bally well ask Rollo or Tom, they'd just run off and tell him I was asking about him.

Which I wasn't .

I was asking about his gig.

So hahahahaha.

**3 Minutes Later**

Oh my Giddy God's Trousers I am so out of my mind I am doing mad laughing at nothing.

Rosie looked at me funny "Are you feeling all right?"  
"Yes,why wouldn't I be?"  
"Because,erm,you're standing looking at a wall and laughing like you've lost your mind."

I biffed her in the arm ."A blind bat never winks twice."

She looked all that will teach her to question my sanosity !

**20 Minutes Later**

The boys were at the gates,including Dave,wearing his tie knotted around his head.

Erm.

The Ace Gang went ballisticmus when they saw them and made me stand guard so they could apply lippy,blush,etc.

I saw the boys look my way and waved cheerily.

I tried to act as causal and full of glaciernosity as I could but really I was having a full-on NB.

**8 Minutes Later**

The girls finished up and popped up like weasel popping things and we all linked up.

Dave tried to do linksies with me but I ignored him.

So he walked behind me.

**20 Minutes Later**

Oh my good God's Pajamas what a loon.

He's trying to get me to talk to keeps trying to trip me up and tickling me but I am managing to ignore him.

I don't think I'll be able to keep it up much longer-I have to go to the piddly didly department vair vair badly.

**5 Minutes Later**

Dave's singing it's not a lovely, pleasant 's singing :

She seemed as sweet as she could be,  
But I could clearly see  
She was the kinda girl who stole men's hearts,  
Then wrecked 'em .

I wanna kiss her but, she won't let me.  
I wanna whisper sweet nothin's in her (r)ear.  
I wanna hold her behind...closed doors and more.  
I wanna kiss her but, she won't let me. 

Good Lord.

When he was done the boys all laughed and did that hand slapping thing.

Good good gravy.

I said it before and I'll say it again,I'll NEVER understand boys !

**5 Minutes Later**

As everyone peeled off Dave came up and linked arms with me.

I still gave him the cold shoulder.

He made a pouty-face.

Hm...nice lips...

'What have I done now,Kitty Cat?"

I looked at him "YOU know"

He started laughing like a loon on Mad-Person tablets.

"Hahaha, got you to talk to me!" 

Ohhhhhhh he makes me sooooooooooo mad !

I gave him full cold-shoulder work but he went on "So,Gee."

I looked at him,but didn't say anything,tee hee.

I just went on walking.

But he went alongside me and put his arm round my waist.

Hmmmm.

"Listen,Gee,about the other day-"

I looked at him "When I told you to erm,bugger off?"  
He smiled,a bit sadly "Yes, more or less,THAT day.I am-I'm sorry about what I said."

Pause.

"Aren't you?"  
I'm not going to 'll teach him to be so...so...HIM.

Dave cleared his throat "Hm...the silent treatment,hum?You know how much that gives me the Horn."

I looked at him and crossed my eyes and he laughed.

We walked along for a little,and our hands kept bumping against each other.

I could feel the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

God,God God God.

All this tensionosity is driving me mad.

And making me have to go to the Piddly-Diddly Department vair vair badly.

Dave smiled at me "What are you thinking?"  
"That-I have to go piddle vair badly."

"Do you,I mean-do you want to maybe grab a cuppa or something?"  
I looked at him "I am not piddling in a cup,Dave,even if you pay me." and he laughed.

**Costa Rico's**

I have forgotten how nice it is to be out with Dave,in a matey sort of way.

I said that to Dave "I have forgotten how nice it is tó be with you,in a matey sort of way."

He raised an eyebrow and I felt my legs go jelloid.

Corrr.

"Are we pirates,now?"  
"No,I just mean-like,you know,like this."

I put my hand on his arm and he looked at it ,like it was a snake or ...some,long fingery thing.

He was quiet then stood up fast "I have to go,things to do,old people to rob." He shrugged "You know,the usual."

We paid for our drinks and went out.

The sky was all grey looking and it was nippy-noodles out.

I went "Brrr,,,it's getting nippy noodles out."

Dave took off his sweater and wrapped it round his shoulders.

He smelt vair good,like cologne,not cheezy and dog-ish like most other boys.

As he arranged his cardi round me shoulders he looked at me and smiled.

Ohhhh Lordy, there go my Jelloid Legs again.

My stomach went all swishy, with waves crashing and so on,like it does before we snog, and I felt my self pucker up,and Dave leaned in...but before I could,I heard Robbie say 'Dave,Hey,how was your comic gig?"  


**Walking Home**

Robbie was all nice and friendly,asking Dave about his gig and so on,but he kept looking at me oddly.

I thought maybe I had a coffee moustache from hamster slurping, but I checked in my compact mirror and no.

As Robbie peeled off he smiled at me and said "Hey,nice seeing you two look good, we can meet up again sometime." then went into Costo's.

Hmmmm..that was...odd.

Dave said "Hm,that was odd,to say the least."

I looked at Dave "You're not Mystic Meg in PANTS are you?"  
and he grinned "No,I have a trouser see?" 

And we both laughed like loons.

**My Gate**

Dave walked me all the way home,which was sweet as it's about a block out of his way,and it was very nippy noodles out and I was still wearing his sweater.

But as we stopped outside my gate I took off his sweater (oo-er!) and handed it back to him.

He put it on then looked at me and smiled.

"So,Gee."

"So,Dave."

"It was weird seing Robbie,huh?"  
"Yeah,I thought he left for Maori ages ago."

"Yeah,me too."

"So,erm,how was your gig?"  
He shrugged. "It was ,Gee,do you think that things,things go wrong on purpose,to make things right again?"

"What?"  
"Do you think we split for now,so we could,you know,be together later?"  
I looked at Dave "What do you mean?"

He looked at me a long,long time then he shrugged "I guess nuffink. S'laters Gee." and he went off singing "I'm Everything".

He sang :

"I walk hallowed ground  
I'm the lightning round  
The thrill of finding bags  
At the lost and found  
I'm an X-Wing flight  
I sweat kryptonite  
And I spank Chuck Norris twice a night  
And I'm insaaanely bad  
And I'm insaaanely good  
I last and last  
As long as Sting  
I'm every bling  
I'm every schwing  
I'm everything"

He turned round,popped his collar and started to Moonwalk.

I called out "Watch out for that wall!"

He tried to stop short and turn to look,tripped and fell...over nothing.

Ha.

Now I can sleep vair sound tonight.

**7pm**

When I got in Mum and Vati had Uncle Eddie over.

I know this because his motor bike was in a trashbin.

I don't even want to know.

I went to the front room.

Mum and Uncle Eddie were dancing and they were singing some crap song about the loos in St. Joe,Ireland.

Vati and Uncle Eddie were dancing a they were both in...thongs.

Lord, what an image.

I may be scarred forever.

I made a run for the stairs but Vati came through and said "Join us,Gee!"  
"No fanks I'd rather not spend the night in A&E!"  
"OK then, miss out on the good news then!"  
I stopped.

"What good news?"

Oh God if Mum's preggers...

"We're moving... To Ireland!"

Oh,bloody HELL .  



	11. The It'sWhat'sBest Tactic

**Any and all Twilight-related quotes are,1) accidental (I only put this here because someone said it was a quote out of one of the books.,...I,for one,do not care for sparkly vampires) and 2) owned by whatsirface,Stephanie Myer.**

**I don't own Georgia or any of the characters,especially Sven and his furry shorts...Louise Rennison does.**

**CTSP(or however you spell it,he he he)-OM flipping goodness...you ...must...CHILLAX !Here is the next bit (the nuaghty bits,nudge nudge,wink wink) so CHIL ! And review !**

**Skylar-Thank you for your loverly and sane must be new here :)**

Chaela-laughluuurver -Robbie is here for a reason but yes,I was so tempted just for them to have it off (oo-er) and that would ruin my gist !

**The It's-What's-Best Tactic**

_He shrugged. "It was ,Gee,do you think that things,things go wrong on purpose,to make things right again?"_

_"What?"  
"Do you think we split for now,so we could,you know,be together later?"  
__I looked at Dave "What do you mean?"_

_He looked at me a long,long time then he shrugged "I guess nuffink. S'laters Gee." and he went off._

_I made a run for the stairs but Vati came through and said "Join us,Gee!"  
"No fanks I'd rather not spend the night in A&E!"  
"OK then, miss out on the good news then!"  
I stopped._

_"What good news?"_

_Oh God if Mum's preggers..._

_"We're moving... To Ireland!"_

_Oh,bloody HELL ._

**Saturday,December 18th**

**7am**

I have GOT to talk to someone about Dave.

And about moving to Leprchaun-a-go-go Land .

Bloody Hell,my life is literally going down the loo.

**Jas'**

Banged on Jas' door for about 20 minutes before her mum came out and told me she went on a final ramble with Tom.

Tom's leaving after the Autumn Devil Days Dance,or whatever it is called,Tuesday.

She must be going mental.

Poor girl.

**2 Seconds Later**

Oh,well,I have got bigger problems.

I am moving to IRELAND for Slim's sake !

And that is a BIG sake.

**Home**

Tucked up with Barney and Scuba-Diving Barbie.

I went round to Rosie's and told her about moving away and DTL being...all nicey-nice to me,and Robbie popping up all of the time.

Rosie said "Hmmmm,we must consult the beard."

"Oh,no."

"Oh,yes, you have problems, you MUST consult the beard!" and she threw a rainbow-striped beard at me.

And I had to wear it as she sucked on a bubble pipe..you know,you suck it and bubbles come out (*leave it)?

She went "Hmmmmmmmmmmmm..." for the longest time.

I was nearly ready to yell "Hmmmm what,in the name of Lord Sandra,what?" but then she said "I think.,..."

"Yes?"  
"I think..."

"Yes?" I very nearly shouted.

"I think...let's go down the disco!" and she did mad dancing with lots of squats and yodeling.

So that was pointless.

And,to top it all,she accidentally kicked my shin doing a high kick and now my leg is all black and purple.

Urgh.

**11am**

Was dreaming about were at Stalag 14 during Assembly and Dave was there in a rainbow beard.I said to him "Why are you wearing a beard?"  
And he said "I know not for whom the PANTS toll,they toll for thee!" then Mum woke me up poking me in the side.

I pulled my blankets over my head "Go ''s tooo nippy noodles."

"You have a visitor,darling."

"Tell her to bugger off."

"Well,last I checked I'm not a I last checked about 15 minutes ago."

I sat up in bed.

Dave was leaning in my door way,grinning.

Oh,bollocks.

And Robbie was with him.

Oh, DOUBLE bollocks.

**3 Minutes Later**

I 'let' Mum take them downstairs and made her promise she wouldn't talk to them about clothes,snogging, or music.

Mum looked at me "How about I just DON'T talk,then?"  
I said "Yes,fanks,Mum!"  
Then I saw she wasn't kidding.

I decided to plead with her and it took about a zillion years, but she promised she wouln't talk to them about snogging or say the word 'canoodling'.

As she left she said "So I can say trouser snake addendum then?" then went out, laughing.

Ohhh,,,I am going to KILL her.

But can't right now first I have to-

PUT SOME BLOODY CLOTHES ON !

**17 Minutes Later**

Decided on jeans,ankle boots and my fav poloneck on the clothes front.

Now,makeup...

**6 Minutes Later**

Went for the fresh-faced skiier look, light concealer and blush,with extra lashings of eye-liner and a _tres sportif_ pontytail.

Nearly broke my neck going downstairs.

They were in the living I went in Vati was saying "-to Ireland, with my brother you met him?"  
Dave said "Is he the one that turned up at Gee's school on the motorbike and said he was her boyfriend?"

"Yes,that's him"

And they all started laughing.

Oh,no.

**40 Minutes Later**

Finally !Freedom!

As we went out the gate I looked at them 'Why were you here anyways?"  
Robbie looked a bit shifty, but then said "I wanted to see you,Gee, and-you know,catch up on then Dave showed up just as I got to the door."

Dave nodded "So we made it a menga-a-duex.I know how much you like them,Georgia" and he winked.

Oh,Lordy.

I pretended I didn't know what he was talking about,and so I looked at Robbie and said "So,erm,wanna go to Costa Rico's ?"

**Costa's**

Brrrrr,nippy out.

The coffee is vair nice and make me warmy-warm allll over though.

And the nice thing is,as Robbie and Dave are both exes, and literally yesterday's news,I can drink using hasmter lips and not look crazy.

We all did.

Between slurps Robbie said "So,Gee,how's Stalag 14?"  
I shrugged "The .We're hiring on a new perv-erm,I mean caretaker."

"You mean the one you that you told Jas was on fire so he hurt his back on his own wheelbarrow?"  
"Yes,that one" and I started to laugh. And not just little,tinkling lady laughs, but mad snorting heggy-hog-hog laughs,like the way Libby laughs.

I tried to stop but couldn't .

You know when you are laughing and really know you should stop and everyone is looking at you?

Well,I had that.

We all did.

And,worst of all,that's when Lindsay walked in.

She looked at me and Robbie and Dave all laughing like loons, then frowned and stalked over.

As soon as Robbie saw her he stopped laughing and said 'Oh,CRAP." and looked at me a bit,well,honestly,I think he was scared.

Lindsay came over and I braced myself for hot coffee down my for her to'accidentally' knock me off my chair with her stick-insect elbows,,she just ignored me and Dave and smiled sweetly at Robbie.

"Robbie, we better go, plans to make,honey." and she tapped her watch.

I looked at 's back with Lindsay?When in the name of Our Lord Sandra's bra did THAT happen?

I looked over at Dave and he raised an eyebrow and shrugged.

Hmmmmmm...

Robbie stood up and said "Ok,dear, be with you in a minute." and she smiled,flashing me daggers, then flounced off to the ordering counter.

I looked at did were all agog with,erm,agognosity.

Finally I said "Better not leave her too long,Robbie." and Robbie said "Yeah " sort of sadly.

He kissed me on the cheek (making sure Lindsay wasn't looking,first) then went out, motioning to Lindsay he was.

After he went out and Lindsay got her coffee she came back to me. I thought "Here we go,hot coffee down my shirt" but she got about two inches from my breath smelled like .

"Back off, little girl,he's keeps."

Dave said "Aren't you supposed to be off laying waste to Tokyo?"

Lindsay gasped ,stared at Dave then stomped off.

I sort of hoped her stick legs would snap,but no.

Dave smiled at me 'That wasn't rude was it?"  
"Yes, to Godzilla" and we both laughed like we are.

We paid then went back out.

"Brrr,nippy."

Dave looked at the sky "Maybe it'll snow and I won't be forced to that damned dance."

"So,you're going then?"  
I shrugged. "Why,are you?"

He shrugged 'Dunno."

We started walking along home,slowly.

"So,Ireland huh?"

I looked at him "Yeah..how did you know?"  
"Your Vati told me."

"Oh,no."

"Yes,well,he seemed excited."

"He gets excited at the word even drools .He nearly wets him self with excitement when the toast pops up."

Dave smiled. "So...are you then? Moving I mean."

"I don't 's nothing for me here,anymore."

Dave raised an eyebrow.

".Probably."

Dave blew out a breath "Listen,Georgia,I know we've had our...,can you give me a chance?"

I looked at him.

"Okayyy,maybe ,listen,Gee, can you do me one thing?"  
"What?"  
"Well,you have to promise,first."

"It doesn't have anything to do with camels does it?"  
"-"

"Or hair remover?"  
He looked at me a bit wouldn't?  
"Nooo..."

"Beards?"  
He was smiling now and he said "No,I think you have spent too much time around Rosie,she is rubbing off on you." and I said "Oooer" and he laughed.

"So,seriously,Gee,promise?"  
I pretended to be thinking about it "Uhmmm..."

"Gee!"

"Umm.."

He stamped his foot "Georgia Louise Nicholson!"  
I looked at him "Did you just stamp your foot?"  
*pause*

"No"

"Did you seriously just stamp your foot? I thought girls only did that on TV."

He gave me his best withering look and I couldn't help but laugh.

He's such a -laugh.

"OK,,you didn't stamp your foot," I smiled at him "-You stomped it"

He grabbed my handbag and smacked me with it,laughing, then ducked away before I could duff him up.

**2 Minutes Later**

Eventually he came back and did linksies with said 'So,do you?"  
I looked at him "Ooo-er,mister."

And he laughed "You know what I mean."

I sighed "OK,yes,I ,what horrific thing am I promising, Dave?"  
"Do you promise to make a choice,me or Ireland?"

We stopped in front of my was starting to snow and the flakes looked lovely on his eyelashes.

Corrr.

Down,bottom ,down!

I said "I..don't know.I mean,I don't know if I have a choice."

He reached out and played with my hair "From talking to your Vati,you do."

I looked at him,shaking my hair out of his hand "You already talked to him about this?"  
"Yes, I told him quitting school would be a bad decision,especially being in the middle of a school-year, and changing schools may put you way behind."

"Ah,the old It's-What's-Best tactic.I tried using the same thing convincing Mum we shouldn't move to New Zealand."

Dave looked at me,confused and I waved a hand "It was back when-well,before I met it didn't got hurt by a rogue bore and came ."

'Ah,well," He put his face close to mine "But that one didn't work,and this me know at the dance,'Kay?" and he winked and went off home.

What? What?

I am sooo confused.

**Bed**

Does he REALLY mean it, to choose between Ireland and him?

**20 Minutes Later**  
Am I allowed to choose?

**1 Hour Later**

And if I did, would I choose Ireland?

**34 Minutes Later**

Or Dave?

**32 Minutes Later**

And what ever happened to Emma-stupid-Thompson?

I though he was with her?

Come to think of it,I've not seen her for a few weeks...

**1 Minute Later**

Maybe she died!

**2 Minutes Later**

No,I am not that lucky.

**4 Minutes Later**

But,then again,why do I even care?

Ohhhh I am soooooooooo full of confusidnosity, I am never going to sleep !

**1 Minute Later**

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...


	12. Pin The Tail On Cammie

**I don't own the Birthday Boy Song -Steve Goodie does.**

**I do not own Frosty Morning ...the Price Brothers do !**

**I don't own Gee,nor any Gee-related plots,characters,etc, Louise Rennison does.**

**I don't own Georgia or any of the characters,especially Sven and his furry shorts...Louise Rennison does.**

**HilaryEmma****-Your spaceship has you please get on ?**

**Chaela-Laughluuuurver -**Yes, you would think so,wouldn't you...I mean,come ON ! Ye Ole Irish are obbsessed with potatoes! And their lucky charms (ooer!) !

...and the seems to be cutting words out,so if you encounter any missssssteaks *heh heh heh* please let me know ASAP via my Llama, Tina !

xoxo (in a VERY non-lesbiany way), !

PLEASE R & R OR I WILL SEND THE CAMELS AFTER YOU !

**PIN THE TAIL ON CAMMIE**

_Bed_

_Does he REALLY mean it, to choose between Ireland and him?_

_20 Minutes Later  
Am I allowed to choose?_

_1 Hour Later_

_And if I did, would I choose Ireland?_

_34 Minutes Later_

_Or Dave?_

_32 Minutes Later_

_And what ever happened to Emma-stupid-Thompson?_

_I though he was with her?_

_Come to think of it,I've not seen her for a few weeks..._

_1 Minute Later_

_Maybe she died!_

_2 Minutes Later_

_No,I am not that lucky._

_4 Minutes Later_

_But,then again,why do I even care?_

_Ohhhh I am soooooooooo full of confusidnosity, I am never going to sleep !_

**Tuesday,December 21st**

**6am,Home**

Up at 6am.

On a schoolday,no less.

**2 Minutes Later**

Just remembered.

Today is the last day of school before Chrimbo Hols.

And what's more it's a halfer-day-to prepare for the dance and so on.

**2 Minutes Later**

Oh,GOD, the Autumn Daze Festival Dance.

Bloody Hell.I told Dave I'd give him his answer at the dance !

**2 Minutes Later**

Well,actually, he told me to give my answer then.

But still.

I don't even know what my answer is !

I have been a nervous wreck.

I've only gotten 9 hours of sleep at night and I am getting bags under my eyes.

Not a very attractive look in a woman.

Damnit.

Damnit, damnit ,damnit !

What am I going to do?

**10 Minutes Later**

I have GOT to talk to someone normal about this or I think I'll go mad.

**20 Minutes Later**

Can't think of anyone normal.

**1 Hour Later**

Still can't.I'll just have to ring Jas.

**3 Minutes Later**

Talked to Jas' seems so 's quite nice.

At any rate,she said Jas was in her room with Tom and told her to take any messages.

I said "No fanks,I ll just come ."

"Okay,wear a coat, it's cold out."

"I will,."

"Okay,Bye dear."

And she rung off.

It must be nice to have a proper mother.

One that doesn't dress like a slag and flirt with boys young enough to be her sons.

It's like child porn.

Erlack !

**Jas'**

Jas was in her room.

I know this because I could hear crap fiddley music coming out.

I tried the door but it was locked.I had to bang on the door for about an hour before she finally came and unlocked she only opened it a crack so I could see her face and crap fringe.

Her face was all red and her fringe was standing on end.

OOooer !

"What in the name of arse were you doing?"  
Jas looked all shifty "Well,Tom and I were just listening to 's called Frosty Morning, and-"

I shoved her aside and pushed my way into the room.

I looked at was wearing ,cowboy boots

.So was Jas.

Oh,no...it couldn't be...

I asked "Good Lord you guys aren't ...SQUARE DANCING are you?" and they both went beetroot.

Good were.

And they LIKED it.

I looked at Jas and shook my head "Just when you think you know a person.."

Jas ploped down on the bed.I think I heard the hinbges creak,like they are about to really needs to lay off the cheezy whatsits.

Jas started to fiddle with her fringe "What do you need? Tom and I were just practising for the dance,and-"

I shoved her off the bed.

She jumped up,red-faced and was going to shout at me but Tom stopped her.

'Georgia,does this have anything to do with tonight's decision?"

Oh,GOD,Radio Jas strikes again !

I rounded on Jas "You TOLD him?"

But Tom said "No...Dave 's really gutted you may leave,Gee."

I sat on the bed. Oh,bloody hell,now he's telling everyone.

Next thing I know he's going to start stashing my socks away to sniff at night.

Erlack.

Tom went on "You really need to talk to school,at the Park,we're sort of having a mini bbirthday party for don't you come early and tell him then?"  
Jas started looking at him all big eyed and dim (but what else is new) ,going "Oooh,Tommy-Wommy,what a loverly idea!It'll be like a birthday present!Of course she'll choose him!"

Completely daft.I didn't say that,though,I said "Am I choosing Dave?"  
"Aren't you?"  
"I-well,uhm...it's like this..."

Tom raised an eyebrow.

Jas rolled her eyes "Oh,God, YOU don't even know do you?"  
"Ermm,well..."

Tom looked at the clock on the wall ("It makes a different bird call every hour,Gee!" "Yes,Jas,of course it does").

"Well,you have school in 25 minutes, and then the party is after,so you have ..."

"4 hours and 25 minutes." Jas finished.

',you have 4 hours and 25 minutes."

Oh,bloody hell,that's how long it takes me to get ready for a gig.

What am I going to do?What am I going to do?

I looked at Jas "What am I going to do?"  
"Well,we better get ready for school,then..."

Oh,bloody hell.I left my uniform at home and I haven't even packed my pre-dance makeup yet.

**Assembly**

15 minutes late for school just because all of my make up wouldn't fit in my rucksack.

Lindsay was at the gate.

As I puffed passed her she said 'Nicolson,3 marks for being along to class now,little don't your mummy to get cross at you."

Ohhh I could have kicked her face in but I was too tired.

Jas mouthed 'Where WERE you?" as I settled in my spot in line but then Hawkeye came out of the closet (ooer) and mounted the stage (LEAVE it).

"Girls,settle,, as you know,is the Dance.I expect all of you to be in top form and at tip-top behavior ,*ahem*incidents and there will be severe punishment."

I whispered to the Ace Gang "Yeah,we'll have to wax her 20 of them." and we giggled.

Slim wasn't done, said "As you know,the Foxwood Lads have been please,girls,act decently."

Oh,Lordy.

All the titchies in the front started doing mad viking disco dancing untill Slim started threatening them with the usual beheadings,thumb screws,etc.

We have only double physics then R.E. (double-bubble) so we'll have plenty of time to get ready.

**Physics**

I think everyone's got pre-Chrimbo Hols hysteria.

And also,there is lots of pre-Chrimbo snogging going on.

I know this because as went into Physics Herr Kamyer fell out of a broom cupboard covered in lipstick.

And when Rosie opened it up to see who the unlucky girl was,Miss Wilson was fastening the buttons on her sad cardigan!

Jools said "Aww,it's young luuuurrrrve!" but,as I said,it's not young love when they are about 200 years .

**30 Minutes Later**

Herr Kamyer has given us worksheets of problems to fill out.

To probably make us forget what we saw,but I won't ever in a million years.

I'll have nightmares of it and will have to spend squillions of poundsies on therapy, and the doctor will be German and wear a rainbow beard and call me Pussy Cat...

**20 Seconds Later**

Oh,my I spend WAY to much time with Rosie.

To take my mind off of Rosie and her beardyness (oo-er!) I said "So,listen,I've got a problem."

Rosie went 'Right-O!" and popped on her beard.

It was rainbow.

I fear for the little sanity that may be remaining.

Jools said "We know everything already,Radio Jas told us."

Bloody Hell.

"OK,but did she tell you Dave wants me to choose between him and Ireland?"

"Erm,yes,Gee."

Rosie adjusted her beard "And vot is der meaning of thees question, der liddle Pussy Cat ?"

"I ,oh,I don't know" I slumped down on the desk.

They all looked at me.  
Ellen dithered "So,you,erm,like,Dave, tonight..and you,like,don't?"  
"No El,I don't."

She was quiet then said "So,how are you,like,telling then,ermmm,or something?"  
Oh,hell's bells. This is worse than pulling teeth.

"I don't know,and what's more I've only ..OH GOD 3 1/2 hours !"

I banged my head on the desk "What-BANG-Am-BANG-I-BANG-Going-BANG-To-BANG-Do-BANG ?"

Jas said "Well,try telling him how you feel.I have nothing hidden from Tom, and that is why we are so happy."

I looked at her 'Yes,yes,that is great, you are _le genius_ Jas, that is EXACTLY what I'll do."

**1 Minute Later**

Got out some paper.

I figured if I write it all out it would make it much clearerer.

Hmmmmm...so,how do I feel?

**2 Minutes Later**

Can't think of anything.

**2 Hours Later**

Still can't.

Oh,dear God I am in trouble.

**Last Bell**

Freeee ! Free !

I fell to my knees at the gate and raised my arms and yelled 'Freedom!Free ! Free! Free at last!" just as Lindsay stalked out.I stood quickly -I don't want to see up her skirt,No one does- but she just glared at me and went on.

Hahahaha, oh well,NOTHING is going to ruin my mood, and that includes Dave wearing a sombrero and a moustache at the gate.

Wait-WHAT?

I felt my stomach go all jelloid and wombly.

You know,like the crap song, 'Remember I'm a womble, remember I'm a womble and I'll womble, womble, womble back home'.

At any rate,I thought and thought and thought about things, and the whole Dave and Ireland nightmare scenario, and the only things I've wrote were:

"I don't want to go to Ireland.

(and)

Especially with Uncle Eddie.

With Knobs On."

Poo.

What am I going to do?

Even with a moustache and sombrero he gives me the Horn quite badly...

**1 Minute Later**

Oh,bloody Hell,Dave saw me looking his way and waved at me, then pretened to rear up (oo-er!) and galloped is he doing?

**2 Seconds Later**

Oh,I get it,he is riding Cammie again!  
As Dave galloped up I said "Hi,Dave,is this the triumphant return of Cammie?"  
"No,Senora,this is Linda,the ride my llama?"

I felt my face go came and stood next to me.I felt like my head was going to drop off.

Why does he stand so close to me?

But I was to red to ask I think he knew that because he grinned and said "So,Senorita,puedo tener un beso para el cumpleanero?"  
I looked at him blankly."I don't know that much French."

"Actually,it's ,do you have a kiss for the birthday boy?"  
I only got to say "Well,I-" before he grabbed me,lifted me off the ground,and snogged me.

And not just a little corner-of-the-mouth peck.

But a full,frontal snogging.

With nip libbling.

When he finally let go I nearly twisted my ankle trying to stand straight,my legs were so soft and wombly..I mean jelloid-y.

Then Rollo came up and they did that hand-slapping thing then Dave said "So,coming to the park then for my birthday bash ?"

I felt my self nod but I don't remember my brain telling my head to.

" REAL festivites are tonight,though!" and he winked and ran...no,I mean GALLOPED off,shouting "_Ole_!"

I looked at Jas "When is it?" and Jas looked at me and said "What?" so I biffed her in the arm with my rucksack.  
Tom smiled,though, and said "It's at 5,so you've got 2 hours to put your face on or whatever you girls do,then the dance is right after."

I looked at him,horrified "You mean I've got to wear my party clothes TO Dave's birthday thing?":

He shrugged 'Or change in the loos."

I looked at Jas and she said "There is NO hair will be ruined!And you KNOW how long it takes me to do my fringe!"

I resisted an urge to say "And yet it still looks crap" and suggested instead "We can change at Rosie's,she lives just down the block from school."

And Rosie said "OK,as long as you help me get Sven into his trousers,it's a deal!"

Oh no,what have I gotten myself into?

**2 Hours Later,Walking to the Park**

Ok,I think I look tres good.

I am wearing what I usually wear under my black-and-pink dress.

**3 Minutes Later**

Oo-er.I don't mean just my bra and knickers,I mean tights and a teeny tee to make sure my nunga-nungas are strapped down extra tight.

The dress is cut in a low v-neck anyways so that makes them look about 15 times huger-er than they already they're about the size of the Poland (where ever that is).

I have got my makeup done and my hair is up and damp,like,pre-washed so when we get to Rosie's all we've got to do is style it with no Co-Co the Clownosity.

I got Dave a mini camel, made of green jade or ,some sort of rock,and boxers with camels in sunglasses on them for his birthday.

**2 Miutes Later**

I hope he still appreciates them,now that he has moved onto llamas.

Shut up,brain.

**The Park**

I found the party easily was the only one with a furry tablecloth and balloons that,when you looked closer were actually.,...you know...boy-y things...you know..OH very well,condoms.

And they had faces drew on them.

And the words 'Deflate for later use'.

_Tres _mad.

Robbie looked round at me as I walked up and winked.I felt my heart jump in my throat.

I smiled back at him.

And I know,I know he is my that doesn't make him any LESS gorgey.

"Ready?"

We nodded like noddy things and Robbie pulled out his...guitar (oo-er!) and started to sing :

"We celebrate your birthday, even if you don't  
Be glad you're getting older, cause when you're dead you won't  
So happy happy birthday, from everyone you know  
Now we will light the candles, and Birthday Boy you... blow!"

**20 Minutes Later**

Dave is insisting we play games.

Like,Pin the Tail on Cammie.

And guess who he got to dress as Cammie?

You guessed it.

Then he handed out the pins.

Oh,Lord.

Sven said "Yes,yes,pin the cammie!" and came running at me.

Ohhhhh God! Run away,run away!

**14 Minutes Later,Hiding In A Tree.**

I took the camel costume off and threw it in a bush then climbed this tree.

It's actually quite comfy.

**5 Minutes Later**

I can see everyone from here,looking for me,tee hee.

Dave is started to look worried...

Serves him right !

He should know better than to hand Sven any sharp objects !

**10 Minutes Later**

Aha! JasNTom have found Cammie!

**2 Minutes Later**

After a quick confab under my tree, they decided I had gone home to get ready.

Robbie said "Oh,well,that's too bad." and everyone looked at him.

The top of his head went red, so he must be blushing, BAD.

Rollo elbowed him "Yeah,you wanna TELL her something,mate!" and winked.

Oh,GOD!

Robbie shuffled his feet and said "Erm,well I do need to tell her something-"

Dave said "Listen,mate,you had your chance and you moved on to older, stick-insectier things."

Then Tom said something,too low for me to hear, and Dave said "Robbie's not the only one mate!" and then they all said their goodbyes and went off,probablly to get ready for the dance tonight.

I musn't think about that though.I have bigger problems.

Like the stick in my bum-holio and how to get down frm this bloody great tree.

**3 Minutes Later**

Hmmmmmm.I wonder what Tom said .

And what did Dave mean by Robbie isn't the only one.

The only one what ?

And what ever happened to Emma?

**Running Like A Loon To Rosie's**

Nearly broke my neck coming out of the tree,then I only had 2 hours for the party, so I had to run home, shove everything in my rucksack,then dash to Rosie's,and I've only got an hour and 34 minutes to get ready !

**3 Minutes Later**

Not including the time I'll have to spend trying to squeeze Sven into his leather pants (don't ask) and cow boy boots (again,DON'T ask) !

Bugger bugger bugger !

**Rosie's**

Didn't waste time knocking-I ran straight in to the upstairs loo.

Rosie was finishing the final touches on her lip gloss but moved out of the way to let me in.

"I thought you went home to get ready!"

"No,I was in a tree,hiding from Sven."

She laughed "Sven does get carried away,doesn't he?"  
"He should be."

But she ignored me "Go ahead and use the shower,Gee but hurry, Sven'll be here any minute for the fittings.

Oh,GOD.

**1 Hour Later**

Done and ready in record time!

My hair doesn't have quite the bouncibility factor, in fact it just lays there like a dead laying...thing, but my makeup came out good at least.

And Rosie let me borrow her pink strappy boots,too .I think I look _tres _ fab !

Rosie is wearing something even semi normal: a star-spangled romper suit,tucked into black cowboy boots and a HUGE glittery gold cowboy hat with cactus earrings.

Like I said,semi-normal.

For her,anyways.

**34 Minutes Later**

Finally got Sven into his leather pants.

He's wearing ginormous black sidies, a quaff.

I don't even want to know.

As we were going out the door,he picked up Rosie and said "Let us boogie, uh-huh uh-huh " and my worst fears were confirmed.

Sven was going as a giant,mad Elvis.


	13. I've Got Bigger Fish To PANTS

**I don't anything Georgia Nicolson-wise...Louise Rennison does !**

**Thanks for the loverly reviews:**

Francesca-Here it is ! Errmmmmm,your answer I mean !

hilaryemma45 -your spaceship has arrived...please get in _mon pally_ or I'll send my camel after you !

Chaela-laughluuurver -fanks! It took me ages to write this ! My son (he's 3 1/2 and like Libby..only madder) deleted the orig. so I had to re-write it,waaah :(

DevineOne -Fanks!

**I don't own Gee,nor any Gee-related plots,characters,etc, Louise Rennison does.**

**I don't own Georgia or any of the characters,especially Sven and his furry shorts...Louise Rennison does.**

_Rosie was finishing the final touches on her lip gloss but moved out of the way to let me in._

_"I thought you went home to get ready!"_

_"No,I was in a tree,hiding from Sven."_

_She laughed "Sven does get carried away,doesn't he?"  
"He should be."_

_But she ignored me "Go ahead and use the shower,Gee but hurry, Sven'll be here any minute for the fittings._

_Oh,GOD._

_**1 Hour Later**_

_Done and ready in record time!_

_My hair doesn't have quite the bouncibility factor, in fact it just lays there like a dead laying...thing, but my makeup came out good at least._

_And Rosie let me borrow her pink strappy boots,too .I think I look tres fab !_

_Rosie is wearing something even semi normal: a star-spangled romper suit,tucked into black cowboy boots and a HUGE glittery gold cowboy hat with cactus earrings._

_Like I said,semi-normal._

_For her,anyways._

_**34 Minutes Later**_

_Finally got Sven into his leather pants._

_He's wearing ginormous black sidies, a quaff._

_I don't even want to know._

_As we were going out the door,he picked up Rosie and said "Let us boogie, uh-huh uh-huh " and my worst fears were confirmed._

_Sven was going as a giant,mad Elvis._

**I'VE GOT BIGGER FISH TO PANTS**

**The Dance,5pm**

Everyone and I mean everyone,is here, even the titches.

And P Green is here!Wearing a sad canary yellow erm,well I guess you could call it a elephants.

When we walked in Dave was on stage singing, I think "Tracks of My Tears" but then came and dragged him off.

As she frog-marched him off I heard Dave say "Boy, you're a big girl for a bloke your age,aren't you!"

He is such a ..Laugh.

I was keen to follow to see what happened.

Not that I care about what happens to Dave.

It's only for ...research purposes...but then I was distracted by someone coming up on stage and saying "Hello,we're the Stiff Dylans."

The light was in my eyes so I had to blink a bit before I saw -

Oh my giddy God's trousers,it's Robbie.

And Masimo !

I looked at Jools and she shrugged.

I shouted over the first years screaming like tarts,to Jas "What in the name of Slim's ginormous panties is HE doing here?"

And she just shrugged back.

Gooooooooood,God God God.

I danced over to Rosie...no easy task with Sven on her neck like a sucky limpet..thing but still dancing at the same I did.

I shouted over the titchy screaming "What is he doing here?"  
"No clue!"

"Well,what should I do?"  
She shrugged "I don't know"

"Well,what am I going to do then?"

She shouted in my ear lug "Dance, and the world dances with you!"

Sven lifted his head up long enough to say "Jah,groooovy baby" then went back to snogging Rosie.I tried to get her attention but the wet smacking noises were making me sick so I went back over to was sitting with Tom, bobbling her head to the music like a twit pigeon in a fringe.I sat next to her,between her and Tom and put my face really,really close to Jas'.

"Jas, I lobe you and you are my bestie."

She didn' t even look round but she got pink roun the tips of her hee.

"No"

"You are my bestie and I would do anything for you,even listen to you ramble on about voles and owl poo."

"No,Gee, if you want to know what Masimo is doing here you are going to have to ask him yourself."

She took Tom by the arm and they went off to dance.

Fine.

I guess I will have to find out why he's here all on my owny.

**3 Minutes Later**

But first,I have got mad dancing energy I have got to work off.

**25 Minutes Later**

Dancing like mad without a care(ish) in the world.

I made Jas dance with me in the front of the stage,to,you know,show Masimo I am OK without I am not mad as he has clearly told everyone else.

During the song I caught him looking my way a few times but so?

I have bigger fish to PANTS.

Speaking of which,Sven has by far outdone himself in the madnosity department...Sven came as quite literally a fish in cowboy boots and a hat.

How much madderer could they get?

**2 Minutes Later**

Sven has just yelled out "I got fish fingers in my knickers ! Yeeha!"

Oh Lordy.

**15 Minutes Later**

A slow song came on while the band took a break and someone put a hand round my waist.

I sucked in my nostrils and smiled with my tongue behind my teeth but when I turned it was Robbie.I nearly fell over with shock

"What in the name of arse!"

He smiled.

"Nice to see you too,Georgia." He pulled me close and put my head on his shoulder as a song came on, I think it was Jay Chou but I can't be sure.

He said "So,are you suprised to see me?"  
I said the only sane thing I could,I said "Is the pope a vicar?" then did mad not tinkly girly laughter, but mad heg-heg-HOG laughing.

But I guess Robbie must be used to my stupid-brainosity,or at least immune to it because he smiled and said "Listen, I know things are rough, with you and Masimo-"

"That's not the half of it,matey"

"-but he came here to apologize."

I stopped dancing .What?

"What?"

"Yes,for,well,you know, kidnpping you and..." Robbie looked down and cleared his throat "things."

I felt sick,like I needed to take a big poo,or I've got the painters in. "Oh."

Robbie pulled me back to him and said softly in my ear lug. "Don't,not when he can see"

I was about to say 'don't what?' but I felt something hot on my face and when I took my hand away I realised I was crying.

When did that happen?

It was nice of Robbie to,you know, help me.

I was about to say that but then Masimo mounted the stage (oo-er!) and everyone started screaming again.

Stupid tarts. Didn't anyone read my article thingy?

Robbie said "It's hot, do you fancy a drink?"

**Sitting Outside**

Vair nice out, bit nippy noodles but the moon is huge and it's all starry and pretty out,like that night I went on a date with Masimo and the first time we snogged.

All of a sudden the tears started pouring down my face.

I couldn't stop them.

It was like a flood.

And my nose got all runny and snotty.

My eyes sting so I am pretty sure my mascara is running too but I am too upset to care.I've gone through sooo much poo and general crapnosity.I have been through the washing machine of love and back,and let me tell you mate,it is NOT pretty.

Nor even beautiful.

**2 Minutes Later**

Like what Dave told me, that night we had the _Sound of Music_ sing-along...

Why does he keep popping up (ooer) ?

No matter what I do,I can't escape him and what's more-

But then a hand appeared holding a hankie out.

I took it and wiped my eyes "Fanks,Robbie"

Dave sat down next to me "I'll tell him when I see him."

I literally fell off the Lord Sandra I had unrolled my skirt so there was no knicker expsure incidents.

After I managed to right my self I stood there,looking at him like a looking-at,erm,thing.

"What?"

"Why did you follow me out here?"

"Because I am so gorgey I can't be trusted to be alone with myself."

I couldn't help but smile "You're a loon."

He winked "You know you love it."

"No,that is where you are is your girlfriend?"

"Oh ,Emma is-" he stopped. "That wasn't fair."

I jumped down from the wall, with my legs closed.I couldn't remember if I had even put on knickers,at this point.

"Listen,I never know, about you I minute we are mates and snogging then next you are blowing me off for some...Sex you really expect me to wait around forever for you?What kind of bloke do you think I am?"

I just looked at him "Would you really like me to answer that,David?"

He looked at me,hard, then he slapped me across the face.

I fell back against a chair,my legs all wobbly and akimbo.

Oh my giddy gods ,Dave slapped me.

I can't beleive it,and I was there.

I don't think Dave did either because as soon as he did he put his hands over his mouth "Oh,Gee,I'm sorry'

He tried to reach out for me but I moved out of his reach,falling over another chair.  
"Get away from me you ass"

"But,Gee-"

I turned on my heel and walked off.

My face is all stingy and my eyes hurt from crying.

I feel like I could collapse in the middle of the street.

Being on the rack of love is soooo not worth it.

I heard Dave calling my name but I kept walking.

Maybe I am losing my mind,but as soon I saw him earlier,when I walked in and he was up on stage,I knew what my answer was going to be...

Dave must have been running because he was all red-faced and reached out of the dark, scaring the poo out of me (ermmm..not literally) grabbed my hand and pulled me back.

"Gee-"  
I shook my hand out of his grip and crossed my arms over my chest,no easy feat.I think my nunga-nungas have grown feel heavy.

At any rate,I shook my hand out of his grip and crossed my arms over my chest.

"What,David?"  
He winced "Did you come up with an answer,yet?"  
I looked at him.

"Do you really want me to choose?"

"Well,yes,that is what a decision is,you choose between one thing or t'other,and then -" He stopped when he saw my face and dropped his hands.

"You're going,aren't you?"

"Yes,David."  
"So...I guess this'll be goodbye."

His eyes were shiny, like he was going to cry.

But that doesn't matter.I have been on the rack of love, eating pasties and tarts (LEAVE it) with gay abaondon (again,leave it) and I have been burnt.

No more.

I am girl,hear me,erm,grrr!

"Yes,I guess I am moving to Ireland after all."

"Oh."

"Bye,Dave."

And I turned round and walked home.

As I reached the corner I turned round, and he was still standing there but someone,probably Emma, came and dragged him away.

Huh.


	14. Peanut Butter Jelly Time !

**We've Been Through Some Crappy Times Before-owned by the Austin Lounge Lizards.**

**I do NOT own the peanut butter jelly time song...the Buckwheat Boys do!**

**Nor do I own "I Peed the Pool"...Robert Lund does !**

**Nor do I own:**

**Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer**

**Jingle PANTS/Dingle PANTS**

**Oh Christmas PANTS**

**Or the Gee Nicolson series...the loverly Louise Rennison does !**

**~last tyime~**

_He winced "Did you come up with an answer,yet?"  
I looked at him._

_"Do you really want me to choose?"_

_"Well,yes,that is what a decision is,you choose between one thing or t'other,and then -" He stopped when he saw my face and dropped his hands._

_"You're going,aren't you?"_

_"Yes,David."  
"So...I guess this'll be goodbye."_

_His eyes were shiny, like he was going to cry._

_But that doesn't matter.I have been on the rack of love, eating pasties and tarts (LEAVE it) with gay abaondon (again,leave it) and I have been burnt._

_No more._

_I am girl,hear me,erm,grrr!_

_"Yes,I guess I am moving to Ireland after all."_

_"Oh."_

_"Bye,Dave."_

_And I turned round and walked home._

_As I reached the corner I turned round, and he was still standing there but someone,probably Emma, came and dragged him away._

_Huh._

_YES,I AM BACK,MWWAHAHA!_

_Actually, I dreamed this chapter...like,I was there...weirrddd...and let me just say PHWOAR Dave the Laugh and CORRRRRRRRR Robbie !_

_They are even gorgier than the guys who played them in the movies...mmmm and they both wore eyeliner._

_YU M YUM !_

_This is dedicated to my Stalker Type Pallie (you know who you are!) for forcing me to update sooo soon *cries* Hahah,just kidding, I love yas...in a VERY non-lesbiany way!_

**PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME**

**The Next Day,Wednesday,December 22nd**

**6am**

Why?

**7am**

Why me?

**8am**

Why oh why me?

I didn't DO .

Dave wanted an answer, and I gave him one, so he slapped me !

Why oh why me?

**35 Minutes Later**

I am going to do die a lesbian.

I might as well take down all my boyband posters.

**1 Hour Later**

I hate housework.

**20 Minutes Later**

Saved by the bell...well,doorbell.

I shouted down the stairs "Mutti, the door to your home is being rung!"

No answer.

'Oh Portly One, someone is at the door!"

-quiet-

Hmmmm...

It's a bit TOO quiet...

**5 Minutes Later**

Went was a note tacked on the fridge

"_Gone Christmas 'll have to make your own tea._

_Mum"_

Huh.

Abandoned in my hour of need.

**45 Seconds Later**

I am going to bed.

**2 Minutes Later**

Was halfway up the stairs when the doorbell went it is Jas I am going to literally kill her.

I stomped to the door and tore it open.

And there was the original Sex God, in all his Sex Godiness.

And I am in my teletubbie pajamas.

I said the only thing I could think of "Nhghhhh" and slammed the door

**My Room**

Ok,quick,quick,foundation,concealer,eyeliner,mascara...

What is Robbie DOING here?

**20 Seconds Later**

Oh my Lord Sandra I slammed the door on him !

I hope he is still there,and hasn't gone !

I ran down and opened the door.

He was standing there still,laughing.

"Hi,Gee,erm,can I come in or are you going to slam the door on me again?"

I smiled at him,remembering to suck in my nostrils "No,sorry about in"

I closed the door after him and we went into the kitchen.

He stood there,looking at me and I just looked at him back.

There was a long awkard silence and it was making me have to go to the Piddly Diddly Department very badly, so I said "Erm,would you like some coffee?"  
"Sure."

I started making him my special took off his coat and sat down at the table.

Hmmmmm...just like as if we were married...

But, no I musn't think like that,he is literally yesterday's news.

**30 Seconds Later**

I am going to make a very bad lesbian.

I poured out the coffee and sat down.

" how have you-" he stopped and looked at me like I was an alien.

"Err,Gee why does only one side of your face have makeup on it?"  
I slammed down my cup.I think I spilt coffee on the floor but oh,well,Angus'll clean it up.

"Oh bloody hell ! I'll be right back !"

**My Room**

How come I always end up making an arse of myself in front of Robbie?

He is an ex,and yesterday's news.

Yet I still manage to fall over couches, fall into a drum set, show him my teletubbies...show up at the door with only half my makeup on...

Oh,God !

**30 Minutes Later**

When I got back into the kitchen Robbie was standing with his back to me,looking at the picutres of the Ace Gang,Sven,Rollo,etc after the sing-alonga fiasco incident.

He turned when he heard me come in,though and smiled.

Cooooorrrr,hellooo Jello City !

He looked at me,a bit uncomfortably, but then he said he looked at his watch 'Listen,Gee,I've to ..can you meet me up at Costa's some time,soon?And the Ace Gang too.I have something to tell you."

My heart sank like a gret big sinking boat..thing.

"Is it bad news?"

He shrugged and started pulling on his coat "I'll see you then."

He kissed me on the cheek and went out.

What in the name of arse was that about?

**6pm**

Was in bed when Swiss Family Mad came home.I know it was them because real,normal people,when they come in,close the door like normal people,take off their boots and hats and so on,maybe saying "Brrr",then go in for some hot choccie.

My so-called family kicked the door open,slammed it close, then started yelling and "Libby, don't eat your frozen boogeys!" and "Cor,Connie you're nipples are hard as rocks!"

Is that,I ask you, normal?

**3 Minutes Later**

No is the aswer you are searching for.

**Bed**

Tucked up in bed with her usual 'fwends', plus a new one-a pair of 's named them Sally and Moose and she LOBES them.

She has even dressed them up in fairy wings.

**Thursday,December 23rd**

**8am**

Woke with a boot smashed against my nose.

Looked in the mirror.

Yep,I've got tread marks on my nose.

**9am**

Rosie rang-they're going sledding tomorrow but I don't feel like going.

What if Dave is there?

I really don't think I could handle him seeing right now.

**Bed**

Spent all day with Libby...if you can imagine,while Mutti and Vati went Chrimbo shopping.I think they went to the Local too,because when they came in they were all giggly and stupid, trpping over chairs and saying 'Shhhhh!" really really loudly.

I wonder what is going to happen to me next?

What should I do about Dave the Un-LAUGH?

Should I really,really go to Leprachaun-a-go-go Land ?

And leave all my mates and so on behind?

**40 Minutes Later**

I wish we could leave Dad .

He just farted 'God Save the Queen' and Mum LAUGHED.

Good Lord.

**1 Hour Later**

Looking out my window,at all the happy couples, holding hands.

I do really feel full of most I have ever felt.

Even worser-er than when Robbie left me for the Maori's.

And told me about his mate Dave was ' a laugh'.

Poo.

I wish God or Buddha or whatever would send me a sign, that I should stay.

**4 Minutes Later**

Like if it snows on Chrismtas.

Yes, that is it ! If it snows on Chrimbo then I should stay in England.

Simple-pimple.

**1 Hour Later**

Right?

**Friday,December 24th**

**Christmas Eve**

**7am**

Weird light when I woke up..looked outside and it had snowed !

It's a Chrimboli miracle !

Well,Chrimboli Eve miracle, but still.

**3 Minutes Later**

But what does this mean?

The first snow was on Chrismtas Eve, not the day-of.

Poo.

Should I stay or go?

**4 Minutes Later**

Leprechauns or England?

**2 Hours Later**

My mates or mad men in green shorts? And that's not including Uncle Eddie and Vati.

Mum just told me -Uncle Eddie is coming with us too.

Poo.

Maybe I should make a list of the goods and bads of going to Ireland...

**11am**

Ok, here is my list:

GOOD

No Masimo

No Robbie

NO DAVE

Bad:

Leprechauns

Living under the same roof as Uncle Eddie

Green Shorts

Green Beer

ludicrous Erin-Go-Bragh accents

**14 Minutes Later**

There are more bad than good.

Does that mean I should stay then?

**Saturday,December 25th**

**Chrimboli**

**10am**

Typical, the one day I actually sleep in is a holiday.

Libby has not slept in.

And do you know how I can tell?

Because Angus has been wrapped in wrapping paper and put under my bed.

I let him out and he scratched my leg before running off downsatirs.

I shouted to him "You're welcome!" and Dad shouted back "Get your lazy arse down here so we can be a family!"

I walked downstairs,as slow as I could but they were still waiting for me..Mutti,Vati,Uncle Eddie,Libby,Grandad and Maisie, wearing an alarming amount of neon pink wool.

**4 Hours Later**

Saved by the bell! Literally.

There was mad ringing and knocking at the door.

I jumped up before Mutti or Vati could and said "I'll get it!"  
It was The Ace Gang, plus all the Lads, including Sven in some alarming furry shorts and antlers.

I noticed Dave was wearing the red clown nose he wore when he told me he thought he was falling in love with me.

But that was ages ago.

I called out "I'm going out!" then did a runner before anyone could stop me.

**Main Street**

Huffing and puffing down Main Street.

Jas was going "Brrrrrrr Brrrrr"

I said "Shut up brrring a smack in the gob often offends."

She shut up and said "Your welcome for rescuing you,Georgia."

I gave her a big hug, nearly falling over "Thank you for rescuing me from theSwiss Family Mad JazzySpazzy!"

She shoved me off of her saying 'Get off you lezzer' but she was smiling when she said it.

I looked at everyone "So,what's the plan?"  
Rosie said "How about we go caroling?"  
Oh,no

**20 Minutes Later**

Oh,yes.

We are and what's more,we are being forced to sing.

We started out with the usual,Jingle PANTS (or,in Sven-and-Rosie's case,Dingle PANTS),'Oh Christmas PANTS'...you know,the usual.

Then Dave 'made' us sing "Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer" and "We've Been Through Some Crappy Times Before".

Jools lipsynced for the longest time,but then Dave cottoned on and shoved snow down her PANTS.

She just about had f.t.

I nearly cracked a rib I was laughing so hard.

We all were.

The weird thing is,I couldn't help but notice that as we were all laughing like mad, Dave kept looking over at me.

Hmmmmmm

Well,live and let live I he wants to be a PRAT that is his own business.

I said that,i said to Jas "If he wants to be a two-timing prat that is his own business!"

But Jas only said "What are you talking about?"

**Bed**

In bed.

They all wanted to go round to Rosie's for hot choccie but Dave was going to go to so I told everyone I was feeling like I was getting flu and peeled off home.

Dave didn't even talk to me all day.

**Friday,December 31st**

**6am**

Thought I would be able to sleep in for a few hours..maybe a few days even,but no.

Libby came in my room, and when I say came in what I really mean is she kicked the door open.

Anyways,she came in singing "I peed the pool and I liked it !" to the tune of that one lesbiany song...I kissed a Girl (erlack!).

I couldn't help but notice she was wearing her swimming wings and only that.

Mum came in and grabbed Libs "There you are,you naughty little girl,you come put your knickers on!"

I pulled the blankets over me in case she saw any of my bits and bobs.

Or her necklace I forgot to take off and replace after borrowing it (ok,yes,without asking) a few days ago...

**2 Minutes Later**

OK,months but she gave up on it long ago.

I told her Angus ate it and amazingly,she believed me.

**2pm**

Jools rang.

Everyone is going to Jas' for a New Year party.

I told everyone I was too sick to go.

But,uinfortuneatly that means I am stuck all day in,with Libby while the Olds and Mad Uncle Eddie go out pub-hopping.

Good Lord.

**Saturday,Janruary 1st**

**12am**

Here are my New Year's resolutions:

1)Eat less poptarts and more fruit

2) No more boys,especially Sex Gods,Lurrve Gods or Laugh Gods

3)...erm, that is it.

**11am**

Moody walk in town on my owny.

Vati went round to Uncle Eddie's to talk over green tights..no,really,Maisie is knitting us all a pair, and Mutti took Libs to the skating rink.

The Ace Gang rang last night at midnight,but I told them I was sick.

Thank God Mutti and Vati weren't home yet.

**3pm**

Was going on a moody lesbian walk (because that is what I am doomed to be,a lesbian) when I ran into the Ace Gang piling out of Boots.

Sven was wearng all purple feathers, even a purple feather boa, and lots of eyeliner and blusher.

Errrmmmmm...

The Ace Gang went mental when they saw me and made me go to Rico's with them to hear all the latest goss.

They were all happy and dim because I guess the party last night was really Foxwood boys weren't invited but they crashed it anyways.

And Sven through Mark Big Gob out of a window and Emma pushed Dave down the stairs.

I looked at Jools "What?"  
"Yeah,well she says it was an accident,but.."

Jas cut in "-that JUST HAPPENED to be RIGHT after Dave dumped her!" and they all laughed like mad.

I couldn't.I was gobsmacked.

Oh my good God's trousers.

Dave dumped Emma?

When?How?Why?What?

I was in soo much shock from the news that I didn't notice the presence of stick insectness till Jas looked above my head and sid "Oh,what are YOU doing here?"  
I looked round and Wet Lindsay smirked "What are you looking at,Ringo?"

But then the bell over the door tinkled (leave it) and Robbie walked in, and Wet Lindsay got a stupid sappy smile on her stupid sappy face ":Robbie! Hiiii!" and he came over,smiling at her then winking at me.

"Alirght?"  
"Alright as can be matey."

Jas said "Do you lot want to sit with us?"

I stomped on her foot but it was too late, and she moved to make room for Lindsay and Robbie.

We sat there,staring at each other for the longest time.

You could practically feel the hatred of all things Stick Insect in the air it was soo thick.

But then Robbie broke the tensionosity by clearing his throat and turning to me.

'So,Gee and ,erm,everyone else,I've got some exciting news for you."

"We're getting married!" Lindsay burst out.  
Robbie looked at me,beet-faced.

Erm,I don't mean his face was covered in beets.

He just vair vair a beet.

At any rate, he looked at me and smiled, a bit oddly.

"Yeah,so er,what do you think?"  
'I think you have gone beyond the Valley of the Sad if you are going to marry an octopus Nazi."

He look confused. WHo wouldn't?

I don't know half of what comes out of my mouth anymore, and I am the one saying such things!

Lindsay didn' fact she smiled that creepy smile again "We're getting married, on Valentine's Day !"  
Oh,Bloody Hell,that's right, just go ahead and ruin a perfect lovely holiday, you stick-leg squidface.

But I didn't say that.I smiled as cheerily as I could "Well,that is FAB,Robbie !Congratulations!"

Robbie looked as shocked as I felt.

"Erm,you are not...mad,Gee?"  
Lindsay laughed and said "Why would she be MAD,apple-dumpling?"  
Apple dumpling? Out of the corner of my eye Jools was making gagging motions and I had to stifle a giggle.

I said quickly "Yes,well,I hope you are as happy as you deserve!"

Lindsay went purple (teehee).

**20 Seconds Later**

Jas looked at her,then back at me and stood up quickly. "We better go,Gee or you're going to be late for the..Thing."

Rosie looked at her what "Wha-" there was a thump then Rosie said "Ow,oh yeah THAT thing!"

They all stood up and said bye to Robbie (they all ignored Lindsay,hahaha) then literally dragged me out of Costa Rico's.

**20 Minutes Later**

As we went off to home, Jas kept looking at me like I am a looking-at-thing ,and flicking her fringe.

Finally I said "WHAT?"  
"Ermm,,are you ok?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"  
Ellen dithered into life "Well,you know,first love,and -like,Sex God..."

I looked at her 'Yes, well that ship has was ages tide waits for no man."

Jas said 'Gee."

I looked at her 'Yes?"  
"You are just speaking rubbish."

So I shoved her into a bush and pulled a runner.

**Monday,Janruary 3rd**

**7:15am**

Back to schol today,and typical,it is pouring rain out.

And Libby has filled the umby with sand and is using it as a litter box so I have NO umbrella.(_a/n: Yes my mad son has done this !_)_._

**School**

Sloshed up the hill to Hell,aka School.

As I was passing thorugh the gate Slim shouted to me "Hurry up,Nicholson,you don't want to be late for Maths!"  
I muttered "Yes,I don't want to miss THAT!" but only so Slim couldn't hear.

**Assembly **

Jas STILL isn't talking to me.

It's not my fault.

I said that,I said 'It's not my said I was talking wubbish!"

Jas looked at me "You were." then huffed off.

Huh.

**Canteen,Lunk**

I said to the Ace Gang "This is the slowest day ever."

Rosie said "Well,it's nearly lunk time."

"Right...4 hours of Hell followed up with a cheese !"

Rosie put her face really really close to mine "Nooooo...It's peanut butter jelly time!"

I looked at all did.

"What?"

"Oh,you know."

She jumped up "PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME, PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME,WHERE YOU AT ,WHERE YOU AT!" doing hip thrusts.

Bloody has finally snapped.

**20 Seconds Later**

Bloody addicting though...

**Slim's Office**

Typical, just when we are having a bit of fun in this Hellhole, we get dragged off to the dungeons.

It's not MY fault Jools smacked Lindsay in the face.

In fact, it's an improvement.

I even said that to Lindsay,I said "It'll save you squillions of pounds for a face transplant!" but she only turned beet root and started to actually shout at us,how we are 'childish ' and 'shouldn't be allowed in public' and something about the Men in White Suits, whatever that means.

I can't believe Robbie is going to MARRY her.

What does he see in her?

**Bed**

And the day keeps getting says we're to move to Leprachaun-a-go-go Land after school is out, but we're going in March while on Break to look at cottages and so on.

Poo.

**1 Hour Later**

That means I'll be here for Robbie and Lindsay's wedding...

Should I go?

**15 Minutes Later**

To ruin it for them,I mean?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~review thingies~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HilraryEmma-Do not get lost ! I will send you a map,a GPS llama and a seeing-eye camel if needed ! Hurrah!

DevineOne-The eding will make you cry..aLOT but it's all fabby-fab in the end (ooer!)

ChaeleaLaugh-Luuurver -There are ermm...well, a few more parts too my end ...ooer ! I mean this is not my end...erm..no no no,,,oh ,Poo,what I mean to say is it WILL work it out for a DTL/Gee ending...but ,not as a usual fluff 's just say that !


	15. AN of sorts

Chaela-laughluuurver -Yes,remember how Louise Rennison said the real Sex God Robbie married a Stick Insect after all? *Taps nose* A nod is as good as a wink to a blind bat,or,as Einstein would say,"Ach,Ja,It's all relative.I use it to keep my balls still!"

DevineOne -Yay ! I am much a-glad you're enjoying my story! And yes there will be Three-Quel and *drum roll please* A Pre-Quel to expalin(ish) somethings...but I can't tell you about THAT untill the end of the THREE-QUEL. Atagonizing isn't it ? evil laughter here

hilaryemma45 -Hellloooooooooooooooooo I hope you have been having a better week! And just because Robbie is marrying a Wet,slaggy,tarty,wet,weed insect-y,knobby-kneed,big-foreheadededed...erm,where was I going with this ?

..Oh,yeah,JUST BECAUSE ROBBIE IS MARRYING LINDSAY DOESN'T MEAN HE IS OUT OF THE PICTURE OR STORY ! (hint,hint).

**I do not own the Gee Nicolson series,or the loverly Dave but boy how I wish I do...ditto Jon Bon Jovi...Brad Pitt...Or Johnny Depp,YUM !**

**But anyways I don't own Gee Nic or any of the stories.. ..the loverly Louise Rennison does !I don't own Gee,nor any Gee-related plots,characters,etc, Louise Rennison does.**

**I don't own Georgia or any of the characters,especially Sven and his furry shorts...Louise Rennison does.**

_"What?"_

_"Why did you follow me out here?"_

_"Because I am so gorgey I can't be trusted to be alone with myself."_

_I couldn't help but smile "You're a loon."_

_He winked "You know you love it."_

_"No,that is where you are is your girlfriend?"_

_"Oh ,Emma is-" he stopped. "That wasn't fair."_

_I jumped down from the wall, with my legs closed.I couldn't remember if I had even put on knickers,at this point._

_"Listen,I never know, about you I minute we are mates and snogging then next you are blowing me off for some...Sex you really expect me to wait around forever for you?What kind of bloke do you think I am?"_

_I just looked at him "Would you really like me to answer that,David?"_

_He looked at me,hard, then he slapped me across the face._

_I fell back against a chair,my legs all wobbly and akimbo._

_Oh my giddy gods ,Dave slapped me._

_I can't beleive it,and I was there._

_I don't think Dave did either because as soon as he did he put his hands over his mouth "Oh,Gee,I'm sorry'_

_He tried to reach out for me but I moved out of his reach,falling over another chair.  
"Get away from me you ass"_

_"But,Gee-"_

_I turned on my heel and walked off._

_My face is all stingy and my eyes hurt from crying._

_I feel like I could collapse in the middle of the street._

_Being on the rack of love is soooo not worth it._

_I heard Dave calling my name but I kept walking._

_Maybe I am losing my mind,but as soon I saw him earlier,when I walked in and he was up on stage,I knew what my answer was going to be..._

_Dave must have been running because he was all red-faced and reached out of the dark, scaring the poo out of me (ermmm..not literally) grabbed my hand and pulled me back._

_"Gee-"  
I shook my hand out of his grip and crossed my arms over my chest,no easy feat.I think my nunga-nungas have grown feel heavy._

_At any rate,I shook my hand out of his grip and crossed my arms over my chest._

_"What,David?"  
He winced "Did you come up with an answer,yet?"  
I looked at him._

_"Do you really want me to choose?"_

_"Well,yes,that is what a decision is,you choose between one thing or t'other,and then -" He stopped when he saw my face and dropped his hands._

_"You're going,aren't you?"_

_"Yes,David."  
"So...I guess this'll be goodbye."_

_His eyes were shiny, like he was going to cry._

_But that doesn't matter.I have been on the rack of love, eating pasties and tarts (LEAVE it) with gay abaondon (again,leave it) and I have been burnt._

_No more._

_I am girl,hear me,erm,grrr!_

_"Yes,I guess I am moving to Ireland after all."_

_"Oh."_

_"Bye,Dave."_

_And I turned round and walked home._

_As I reached the corner I turned round, and he was still standing there but someone,probably Emma, came and dragged him away._

_Huh._

_Yes this is a previously published chapter but ate about every other paragraph so...yeah here it is.I am in the middle of the next chapter so please,please,please,please be patient and do not send me any hordes of rabid camels (Mariyah) !_

_~Lauran~_

**PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME**

**Tuesday,December 21st**

**B****ed**

In,once again, my bed of pain.

Why does this always happen to me?

Wait,no,don't answer that.

I can't believe this has happened to .

Well,no, yes I can believe it.

After all,I was there when it happened.

I just want to know, out of all the huge, wide universe WHY ME?

Aaaaaagghhhhhh !

**10 Minutes Later**

Oh,good, Libby has crawled into my bed with the usual crowd of 'fwends',including Eddie the 's less Edam and more mould.

**20 Minutes Later**

Honestly, 'Uncle Eddie ' is getting a bit pingy-pongoes (you can say that again,mate!)..maybe if I can slip it out from under her little arm...

**1 Minute Later**

Slipped it out fast and replaced where it was with my didn't even wake up.

She is so sweet...When she is asleep.

**10 Seconds Later**

Uergh,there's teeth marks in Edam Eddie's 'head' !

Tossed it out the window then snuggled down.

What was I saying before I so rudely interupted myself?

Oh,yeah,WHY OH WHY ME?

**Wednesday,December 22nd**

**6am**

Why?

**7am**

Why me?

**8am**

Why oh why me?

I didn't DO anything .

Dave wanted an answer, and I gave him one, so he slapped me !

Why oh why me?

**35 Minutes Later**

I am going to do die a lesbian.

I might as well take down all my boyband posters.

**1 Hour Later**

I hate housework.

**20 Minutes Later**

Saved by the bell...well,doorbell.

I shouted down the stairs "Mutti, the door to your home is being rung!"

No answer.

'Oh Portly One, someone is at the door!"

-quiet-

Hmmmm...

It's a bit TOO quiet...

**5 Minutes Later**

Went was a note tacked on the fridge

"_Gone Christmas 'll have to make your own tea._

_Mum"_

Huh.

Abandoned in my hour of need.

**45 Seconds Later**

I am going to bed.

**2 Minutes Later**

Was halfway up the stairs when the doorbell it is Jas I am going to literally kill her.

I stomped to the door and tore it open.

And there was the original Sex God, in all his Sex my doorstep.

And I am in my teletubbie pajamas.

I said the only thing I could think of ,the all-famous "Nhghhhh" and slammed the door

**My Room**

Ok,quick,quick,foundation,concealer,eyeliner,mascara...

What is Robbie DOING here?

On my door step ?

**20 Seconds Later**

Oh my Lord Sandra I slammed the door on him !

I hope he is still there,and hasn't gone !

I ran down and ripped opened the doorbut he was standing there still,laughing.

"Hi,Gee,erm,can I come in or are you going to slam the door on me again?"

I smiled at him,remembering to suck in my nostrils "No,sorry about on in"

I closed the door after him and we went into the kitchen.

He stood there,looking at me and I just looked at him back.

There was a long awkard silence and it was making me have to go to the Piddly Diddly Department very badly, so I said "Erm,would you like some coffee?"  
"Sure."

I started making him my special coffee while he took off his coat and sat down at the table.

Hmmmmm...just like as if we were married...

But, no I musn't think like that,he is literally yesterday's news.

**30 Seconds Later**

I am going to make a very bad lesbian.

I poured out the coffee and sat down.

" So,how have you-" he stopped and looked at me like I was an alien.

-vu.I hope I have both my eyebrows still..maybe I can sneak over and check in the side of the toaster...

"Erm,yes Robbie?"

"Gee why does only one side of your face have makeup on it?"

OH FLIPPPING HELL !  
I slammed down my cup and dashed up the stairs.I think I spilt coffee on the floor but oh,well,Angus'll clean it up.

I ran to my makeup bag,remembered Robbie then ran back to the top of the stairs and yelled down "Don't move, I'll be right back !"

**My Room**

How come I always end up making an arse of myself in front of Robbie?

He is an ex,and yesterday's news.

Yet I still manage to fall over couches, fall into a drum set, show him my teletubbies pajamas ...show up at the door with only half my makeup on...

Oh,God !

**30 Minutes Later**

When I got back into the kitchen Robbie was standing with his back to me,looking at the picutres of the Ace Gang,Sven,Rollo,etc after the sing-alonga fiasco had watched a sing-along version of The Sound of Music then after Dave told me he thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world.

He sure doesn't think that anymore,does he?

Shut up,brain.

At any rate,Robbie turned when he heard me come through and smiled.

Cooooorrrr,hellooo Jello City !

He looked at me,a bit uncomfortably, but then he looked at his watch.

'Listen,Gee,I've to ..can you meet me up at Costa's some time,soon?And the Ace Gang too.I have something to tell you."

My heart sank like a gret big sinking boat..thing.

"Is it bad news?"

He shrugged and started pulling on his coat "I'll see you then."

He kissed me on the cheek and went out.

What in the name of arse was that about?

**6pm**

Was in bed when Swiss Family Mad came home.I know it was them because real,normal people,when they come in,close the door like normal people,take off their boots and hats and so on,maybe saying "Brrr",then go in for some hot choccie.

My so-called family kicked the door open,slammed it close, then started yelling and "Libby, don't eat your frozen boogeys!" and "Cor,Connie you're nipples are hard as rocks!"

Is that,I ask you, normal?

**3 Minutes Later**

No is the aswer you are searching for.

**Bed**

Tucked up in bed with her usual 'fwends', plus a new one-a pair of 'Wellingtions and what is more she has named them Sally and Moose and she LOBES them.

She has even dressed them up in fairy wings.

**Thursday,December 23rd**

**8am**

Woke with a boot smashed against my nose.

Looked in the mirror.

Yep,I've got tread marks on my nose.

**9am**

Rosie rang-they're going sledding tomorrow but I don't feel like going.

What if Dave is there?

I really don't think I could handle him seeing right now.

**Bed**

Spent all day with Libby...if you can imagine,while Mutti and Vati went Chrimbo shopping.I think they went to the Local too,because when they came in they were all giggly and even more stupid than is very alarming, tripping over chairs and saying 'Shhhhh!" really really loudly.

I wonder what is going to happen to me next?

What should I do about Dave the Un-LAUGH?

Should I really,really go to Leprachaun-a-go-go Land ?

And leave all my mates and so on behind?

**40 Minutes Later**

I wish we could leave Dad .

He just farted 'God Save the Queen' and Mum LAUGHED.

Good Lord.

**1 Hour Later**

Looking out my window,at all the happy couples, holding hands.

I do really feel the most full of poonosity that I have ever felt.

Even worser-er than when Robbie left me for the Maori's.

And told me about his mate Dave that was ' a laugh'.

Poo.

I wish God or Buddha or whatever would send me a sign, that I should stay.

**4 Minutes Later**

Like if it snows on Chrismtas.

Sat up in bed.

Yes, that is it ! If it snows on Chrimbo then I should stay in England.

Simple-pimple.

**1 Hour Later**

Right?

**Friday,December 24th**

**Christmas Eve**

**7am**

Weird light when I woke up..looked outside and it had snowed !

It's a Chrimboli miracle !

Well,Chrimboli Eve miracle, but still.

**3 Minutes Later**

But what does this mean?

The first snow was on Chrismtas Eve, not the day-of.

Poo.

Should I stay or go?

**4 Minutes Later**

Leprechauns or England?

**2 Hours Later**

My mates or mad men in green shorts? And that's not including Uncle Eddie and Vati.

Mum just told me -Uncle Eddie is coming with us too.

Poo.

Maybe I should make a list of the goods and bads of going to Ireland...

**11am**

Ok, here is my list:

GOOD

No Masimo

No Robbie

NO DAVE

BAD:

Leprechauns

Living under the same roof as Uncle Eddie

Green Shorts

Green Beer

ludicrous Erin-Go-Bragh accents

**14 Minutes Later**

There are more bad than good.

Does that mean I should stay then?

**Saturday,December 25th**

**Chrimboli**

**10am**

Typical, the one day I actually sleep in is a holiday.

Libby has not slept in.

And do you know how I can tell?

Because Angus has been wrapped in wrapping paper and put under my bed.

I let him out and he scratched my leg before running off downsatirs.

I shouted to him "You're welcome!" and Dad shouted back "Get your lazy arse down here so we can be a family!"

I walked downstairs,as slow as I could but they were still waiting for me..Mutti,Vati,Uncle Eddie,Libby,Grandad and Maisie, wearing an alarming amount of neon pink wool.

**4 Hours Later**

I am now the proud owner of a neon-pink pair of the largest knickers I have ever seen .They would fit Slim they are so I should give them to her for Chrimboli,get on her good side,where ever that may is literally full of chin has about 12 sides.

Mutti said "Wel,,how do you look like them?" and started laughing.

Bloody Hell.

Vati burped and said "Why don't you try on your new knickers Gee?"

I was half way up the stairs when there was mad ringing and knocking at the door.

Saved by the bell (literally) !

I jumped up before Mutti or Vati could and said "I'll get it!"  
It was The Ace Gang, plus all the Lads, including Sven in some alarming furry shorts and antlers.

I noticed Dave was wearing the red clown nose he wore when he told me he thought he was falling in love with me.

But that was ages ago.

I called out "I'm going out!" then did a runner before anyone could stop me.

**Main Street**

Huffing and puffing down Main Street.

Jas was going "Brrrrrrr Brrrrr"

I said "Shut up brrring as a smack in the gob often offends."

She shut up only saying "Your welcome for rescuing you,Georgia."

I gave her a big hug, nearly falling over "Thank you for rescuing me from theSwiss Family Mad JazzySpazzy!"

She shoved me off of her saying 'Get off you lezzer' but she was smiling when she said it.

I looked at everyone "So,what's the plan?"  
Rosie said "How about we go caroling?"  
Oh,no

**20 Minutes Later**

Oh,yes.

We are and what's more,we are being forced to sing.

We started out with the usual,Jingle PANTS (or,in Sven-and-Rosie's case,Dingle PANTS),'Oh Christmas PANTS'...you know,the usual.

Then Dave 'made' us sing "Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer" and "We've Been Through Some Crappy Times Before".

Jools lipsynced for the longest time,but then Dave cottoned on and shoved snow down her PANTS.

She just about had f.t.

I nearly cracked a rib I was laughing so hard.

We all were.

The weird thing is,I couldn't help but notice that as we were all laughing like mad, Dave kept looking over at me.

Hmmmmmm

Well,live and let live I he wants to be a PRAT that is his own business.

I said that,I said to Jas "If he wants to be a two-timing prat that is his own business!"

But Jas only said "What are you talking about?"

**Bed**

In bed.

They all wanted to go round to Rosie's for hot choccie but Dave was going to go to so I told everyone I was feeling like I was getting flu and peeled off home.

Dave didn't even talk to me all day.

Good.

**3 Hours Later**

Isn't it?

**Friday,December 31st**

**6am**

Thought I would be able to sleep in for a few hours..maybe a few days even,but no.

Libby came in my room, and when I say came in what I really mean is she kicked the door open.

Anyways,she came in singing "I peed the pool and I liked it !" to the tune of that one lesbiany song...I kissed a Girl (erlack!).

I couldn't help but notice she was wearing her swimming wings and only that.

Mum came in and grabbed Libs "There you are,you naughty little girl,you come put your knickers on!"

I pulled the blankets over me in case she saw any of my bits and bobs.

Or her necklace I forgot to take off and replace after borrowing it (ok,yes,without asking) a few days ago...

**2 Minutes Later**

OK,months but she gave up on it long ago.

I told her Angus ate it and amazingly,she believed me.

**2pm**

Jools rang.

Everyone is going to Jas' for a New Year party.

I told everyone I was too sick to go.

But,uinfortuneatly that means I am stuck all day in,with Libby while the Olds and Mad Uncle Eddie go out pub-hopping.

Good Lord.

**Saturday,Janruary 1st**

**12am**

Here are my New Year's resolutions:

1)Eat less poptarts and more fruit

2) No more boys,especially Sex Gods,Lurrve Gods or Laugh Gods

3)...erm, that is it.

**11am**

Moody walk in town on my owny.

Vati went round to Uncle Eddie's to talk over green tights..no,really,Maisie is knitting us all a pair, and Mutti took Libs to the skating rink.

The Ace Gang rang last night at midnight,but I told them I was sick.

Thank God Mutti and Vati weren't home yet.

**3pm**

Was going on a moody lesbian walk (because that is what I am doomed to be,a lesbian) when I ran into the Ace Gang piling out of Boots.

Sven was wearng all purple feathers, even a purple feather boa, and lots of eyeliner and blusher.

Errrmmmmm...

The Ace Gang went mental when they saw me and made me go to Rico's with them to hear all the latest goss.

They were all happy and dim because I guess the party last night was really the Foxwood boys weren't invited but they crashed it anyways.

And Sven threw Mark Big Gob out of a window and Emma pushed Dave down the stairs.

I looked at Jools "What?"  
"Yeah,well she says it was an accident,but.."

Jas cut in "-that JUST HAPPENED to be RIGHT after Dave dumped her!" and they all laughed like mad.

I couldn't.I was gobsmacked.

Oh my good God's trousers.

Dave dumped Emma?

When?How?Why?What?

I was in soo much shock from the news that I didn't notice the presence of stick insectness till Jas looked above my head and sid "Oh,what are YOU doing here?"  
I looked round and Wet Lindsay smirked "What are you looking at,Ringo?"

But then the bell over the door tinkled (leave it) and Robbie walked in, and Wet Lindsay got a stupid sappy smile on her stupid sappy face ":Robbie! Hiiii!" and he came over,smiling at her then winking at me.

"Alirght?"  
"Alright as can be matey."

Jas said "Do you lot want to sit with us?"

I stomped on her foot but it was too late, and she moved to make room for Lindsay and Robbie.

We sat there,staring at each other for the longest time.

You could practically feel the hatred of all things Stick Insect in the air it was soo thick.

But then Robbie broke the tensionosity by clearing his throat and turning to me.

'So,Gee and ,erm,everyone else,I've got some exciting news for you."

"We're getting married!" Lindsay burst out.  
Robbie looked at me,beet-faced.

Erm,I don't mean his face was covered in beets.

He just vair vair beet-coloured (and for you dim ones out there,that is very very red).

At any rate, he looked at me and smiled, a bit oddly.

"Yeah,so er,what do you think?"  
'I think you have gone beyond the Valley of the Sad if you are going to marry an octopus Nazi."

He look confused. WHo wouldn't?

I don't know half of what comes out of my mouth anymore, and I am the one saying such things!

Lindsay didn' fact she smiled that creepy smile again "We're getting married, on Valentine's Day !"  
I thought 'Oh,Bloody Hell,that's right, just go ahead and ruin a perfect lovely holiday, you stick-leg squidface!'

But I didn't say that. I smiled as cheerily as I could "Well,that is FAB,Robbie !Congratulations!"

Robbie looked as shocked as I felt.

"Erm,you are not...mad,Gee?"  
Lindsay laughed and said "Why would she be MAD,apple-dumpling?"  
Apple dumpling? Out of the corner of my eye Jools was making gagging motions and I had to stifle a giggle.

I said quickly "Yes,well,I hope you are as happy as you deserve!"

Lindsay went purple (teehee).

**20 Seconds Later**

Jas looked at her,then back at me and stood up quickly. "We better go,Gee or you're going to be late for the..Thing."

Rosie looked at her what "Wha-" there was a thump then Rosie said "Ow,oh yeah THAT thing!"

They all stood up and said bye to Robbie (they all ignored Lindsay,hahaha) then literally dragged me out of Costa Rico's.

**20 Minutes Later**

As we went off to home, Jas kept looking at me like I am a looking-at-thing ,and flicking her fringe.

Finally I said "WHAT?"  
"Ermm,,are you ok?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"  
Ellen dithered into life "Well,you know,first love,and -like,Sex God..."

I looked at her 'Yes, well that ship has was ages tide waits for no man."

Jas said 'Gee."

I looked at her 'Yes?"  
"You are just speaking rubbish."

So I shoved her into a bush and pulled a runner.

**Monday,Janruary 3rd**

**7:15am**

Back to schol today,and typical,it is pouring rain out.

And Libby has filled the umby with sand and is using it as a litter box so I have NO umbrella.(_a/n: Yes my mad son has done this !_)_._

**School**

Sloshed up the hill to Hell,aka School.

As I was passing thorugh the gate Slim shouted to me "Hurry up,Nicholson,you don't want to be late for Maths!"  
I muttered "Yes,I don't want to miss THAT!" but only so Slim couldn't hear.

**Assembly **

Jas STILL isn't talking to me.

It's not my fault.

I said that,I said 'It's not my said I was talking wubbish!"

Jas looked at me "You were." then huffed off.

Huh.

**Canteen,Lunk**

I said to the Ace Gang "This is the slowest day ever."

Rosie said "Well,it's nearly lunk time."

"Right...4 hours of Hell followed up with a cheese !"

Rosie put her face really really close to mine "Nooooo...It's peanut butter jelly time!"

I looked at all did.

"What?"

"Oh,you know."

She jumped up "PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME, PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME,WHERE YOU AT ,WHERE YOU AT!" doing hip thrusts.

Bloody Mees has finally snapped.

**20 Seconds Later**

Bloody addicting though...

**Slim's Office**

Typical, just when we are having a bit of fun in this Hellhole, we get dragged off to the dungeons.

It's not MY fault Jools smacked Lindsay in the face.

In fact, it's an improvement.

I even said that to Lindsay,I said "It'll save you squillions of pounds for a face transplant!" but she only turned beet root and started to actually shout at us,how we are 'childish ' and 'shouldn't be allowed in public' and something about the Men in White Suits, whatever that means.

I can't believe Robbie is going to MARRY her.

What does he see in her?

**Bed**

And the day keeps getting better.

Mum says we're to move to Leprachaun-a-go-go Land after school is out, but we're going in March while on Break to look at cottages and so on.

Poo.

**1 Hour Later**

That means I'll be here for Robbie and Lindsay's wedding...

Should I go?

**15 Minutes Later**

To ruin it for them,I mean?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...


	16. Ja, I Am Gay And Free !

**I do not own the Gee Nicolson stories (the luuuurvely and **_**tres **_**mad Louise Rennison does) nor Zac Effron..but bliiiimey how I wish !Yummmmmmmmmmmm !**

**This chappter thing-ma-diddums is dedicated to Mariyah :)**

**For being the mad pantaloonmeister(ette?) that you are,yay! And for your fellowette luuuurve of Phantom of the Opera, YAY!**

**And because she is the only one that reviewed the last chapter...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !**

**I wrote this in one day after too much coffee so it is very random !**

**Ooh shiny !**

**Hmmmm does anyone actually read these note-type things (besides sad sacks like,well,me) ?**

**Bum arse fluff orange bucket gibbon poo fanny pat my little fanny !**

**Byeee! **

**~Lauran~**

_Typical, just when we are having a bit of fun in this Hellhole, we get dragged off to the dungeons._

_It's not MY fault Jools smacked Lindsay in the face._

_In fact, it's an improvement._

_I even said that to Lindsay,I said "It'll save you squillions of pounds for a face transplant!" but she only turned beet root and started to actually shout at us,how we are 'childish ' and 'shouldn't be allowed in public' and something about the Men in White Suits, whatever that means._

_I can't believe Robbie is going to MARRY her._

_What does he see in her?_

_**Bed**_

_And the day keeps getting better._

_Mum says we're to move to Leprachaun-a-go-go Land after school is out, but we're going in March while on Break to look at cottages and so on._

_Poo._

_**1 Hour Later**_

_That means I'll be here for Robbie and Lindsay's wedding..._

_Should I go?_

_**15 Minutes Later**_

_To ruin it for them,I mean?_

_Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..._

**JA,I AM GAY AND FREE**

**Thursday,Janruary 6th**

**7:30am**

Woke up with a pounding headache.

Erggg...and it's nippy noodles out.

**2 Minutes Later**

And raining.

Bloody Hell.

This is sooooo typical of my life.

**School Gates**

And Jas wasn't waiting for me at must be in a huff still because I pushed her in a thorn only after she told me I was speaking wubbish,about Robbie marrying Lindsay then Dave being-

Oh .Dave.

I still am going to see him after school and round town on weekends, at at gigs and so on.

**3 Minutes Later**

But only if I decided to turn in my lesbian nun frock and go dancing.

**5 Minutes Later**

Good Lord,I really am depressed.

**Assembly**

Everyone is talking about the New Year's party at Katie Steadman's,still.

It was bloody near a week ago!

And I can't get away from it even.

When I went to the Piddly Diddly Department before Assembly, because rain does that to me,make me have to go piddle, not go to Assembly I mean, I overheard the ginger tich saying"-he snogged her but she slapped him."

I guess every form was invited,even the titchy-form.

"Does he know if she likes her or not ?"

The less-titchy of the lot thought for a bit,then went "Hm,I don't think so."

Good Lord,was I really that dim when I was their age?

Wait,no,don't asnwer that.

I dried my hands and was about to leave when one said "So how is Mr. Laughy-Laugh?"

I stopped still.I must have looked like an agog sardine...no not dead and packed in a tin,you loons,I mean big-eyed and gapey.

At any rate, the other titch replied "He's in Casualty still,broke both ankles ,shattered to dust."

I stopped still in my tracks.

Dave's ankles were broken?

When?

I didn't get a chance to ask,though-the bell went and a bunch of girls piled in.

I ran into my usual spot in the Main looked at me as if I was an alien but I have bigger goats to fry.

I said "Not now,Jas, I'll accept your apology for acting like a right prat later."

She went "Humph!" and was about to do full-on cold shoulder work, so I said "I have GOT to talk to you lot about something!"

I told them about the loo,and what the ginger titch said about Dave.

Jools,Rosie,Ellen and Jas looked at each other a bit then back at me.

"Uhm,Gee,I thought you are over him."

I said really fast "I am!" because I am (right?). "I was just wondering if you heard."

Jas said "Yeah,Hunk-er,Tom-has been going and seeing 's been having a rough time of had to walk home and by the time he got home he was soaked through."

'Well,is he okay?"

Rosie put her face really,really close to mine "Why,do you CARE for Dave the Laughy-Laugh?"  
I pushed her away "Bugger off ! No ! I am a mate and I am being concerned as a mate in a matey way."

Jools said "Arrrr matey" and we all laughed like loons but I don't know why.

Then Slim came out of the closet (ooer) and we shut up like shutting up things.

"Settle,girls,settle,I have a few ,,the upper sixth form will be holding another play, to be put on on the last day of sign up sheet is on the English , due to the...acceptable behaviour of those girls on attendance of the Autumn Fest dance,we will be holding a Valentine's Day Dance and boys ARE invited as long as they are good,upstanding members of society."

I could barely see I was sooo knocked out by the girls screaming.

I yelled to the Ace Gang"Blooody Hell,you'd think she said Zack Efron would be visitng."

Jools said "I wish he was."

Jas said "In nothing but a red ribbon"

And they all did mad laughing.

Oh Lordy,they are SO obbsessed with boys.I am glad I am not.I have been on the rack of love and let me tell you, a singed bum-holey is NOT pretty.

And smells vair vair bad too.

Uhoh,I am losing my grip on things again.

I said to the Ace Gang "You're not going to the dance are you?"  
"Well,uhm,like-she-dance?"

"Because I am not going,El, and the Ace Gang would not be one for all and all for one and one for all of us and so on,if I don't go and you lot did ."

Ellen dithered into life "But...what if I have got ...you know...like...a boyfriend?"

I looked at all did.

It took about a million years but we finally got out of her that a Foxwood boy asked her out at the New Years party and she said yes.

Jas squealed like a erm...like the squealing fringey twit that she is."You know the Ace Gang rules, you have to tell us EVERYTHING!"

Unfortuneatly, she took us about 11 years but we finally got out of her that his name is John and he's a year above us and has got blonde hair and curly eyebrows and he's a fabby snogger.

And,get this,Ellen and John have already got to #6 already.

Good Lord,is the world ending or something?

Ellen has got a boy friend-a proper one I mean-Jas is drooling over Zac Efron in a ribbon and ONLY a ribbon...Dave is laid up in Casualty with two broken ankles...Slim is holding a Valentine's Day dance !

On Valentine's Day weekend,no less.

**3 Minutes Later**

Wait, that's the day Robbie and Lindsay are getting married-Valentine's Day.

And what's more-WHY DO I EVEN CARE?

**Break**

I should have never got out of bed this morning.

The Spring play is Phantom of the Opera...and what's more the Foxwood boys are not only going to be giving a hand backstage (oo-er) but they are going to act out certain parts of the Phantom (LEAVE it ) !

Oh,deary me,(_a/n You're rubbing off on me-OOER-Mariyah) _this will not end well.

**German**

And it keeps getting better.

We have to fill out what classes we want to take for next form.

Jas was being all annoyingly dim and flicky.

She kept saying "OH,I hope I can choose! There are so many !"

I said to Jas "Is there anything that teaches you how to be a twit AND snog vegetables AND wear ginormous knickers in one class?Then you'd be covered..." and she threw her German book at me.

Herr Kamyer says we must 'Look to the future'.

All I can see in my future is a nunnery and lesbians.

Not neccesarily together,though.

I raised my hand "Herr Kamyer,if you were a young girl what would you pick?"  
Herr Kamyer blnked at me "Vot,Miss Micholson?"  
"What wouldd you pick?Look,picture yourself as a young girl, in a skirt"

Herr Kmayer closed his eyes ."Ja,I picturing."

"Ok,you're a young girl with erm,slightly less hairy legs"

The Ace Gang started to giggle.

"Ja..."

"And you're running gay and you picture it Herr Kamyer?"  
"Ja,I am gay and free."

The girls burst out laughing but I shot them a look and they shut up.

"Ok,you are,ga-uhm,carefree and young...what do you see in a future?"  
Herr Kamyer went all dreamy and soppy looking and said "Miss Wilson in a skirt."

**Last Bell**

As we filed out I said to the Ace Gang "I told you there was something between them,didn't I ?I told you I could smell it !"

And Rosie said "Sorry,that was me" and we all fell about laughing.

It was the kind that once you have it,you can't stop, and you get all red and you can't breathe,and any little other thing can set you off.

Yeah,that kind.I looked up and Dave was standing there.

I jumped up "WHAT THE HELL?"  
"Gee, don't move there is something I have to tell you !"

';WELL TELL ME!:

'I love you !"

He jumped off the kerb into the street and ran to me, but that is when Robbie pulled up in an electric car and hit Dave,and that was the end of Dave.

The END

_Just kidding,mwahahaha! :) oh my giddy God I am EVIL ! Mwahahahahahaha!_

_Continued-_

As we filed out I said to the Ace Gang "I told you there was something between them,didn't I ?I told you I could smell it !"

And Rosie said "Sorry,that was me" and we all fell about laughing.

It was the kind that once you have it,you can't stop, and you get all red and you can't breathe,and any little other thing can set you off.

And that is when Robbie pulled up in an electric car.

Robbie opened the door and got out, and said "Hello does anyone want a ride?" but he was looking at me.

Uh oh I can feel my red bottom rising.I must get way .FAST.

I turned and went off down the road to town but no one noticed-they were too busy admiring Robbie's car,kicking the tires and so on.

I feel weird, like I need to poo and sleep and cry all at the same time.

**45 Minutes Later**

Somehow I ended up at Hospital.

I don't exactly know how...It 's a fairly long walk.

**5 Minutes Later**

**That **is probably why it took me 45 minutes to get here.

Any road,I went in and sort of wandered around a bit,but now I think I am lost.

All I see is a long hallway of doors.

Hmmm...

I wonder if anyone here knows the way back out?

**46 Minutes Later**

I've gone through 5 rooms and I've talked to someone with a broken leg, a young boy with an ear infection,2 people with rashes, and some old OAP woman with as goiter that look liked she'd swallowed a billards ball,but no on could really tell me how to get out.

I guess that is why they still are here.

I am going to go to one last room then,if they don't know,I am going through a window.I am only one story up.

**15 Minutes Later,Outside**

Oh my God,oh my God,oh my Dear Lord Sandra !

I went in to the last room and the lights were off so I didn't think anyone was there,so I flipped the lights on to,you know,see if I could maybe jump from the window and it was Dave in the bed!

He was asleep and had his blankets up to his chin but he had his feet poking out and they were both in casts with camels drawn on them.

I went closer to see if anyone had signed his cast, but I tripped and fell on his lap and my face fell into his..you know,trouser snake area!

And Dave snorted and sat straight up !

I lay there still as a dead goggly sardine thing (only not packed in a tin or salty) but Dave only looked round a bit,then lay back down.

As soon as I was sure he was snoring again (blimey,his snoring even slightly -hahaha-gives me the horn ...I am losing my mind) I did a runner for the door and as I went through it I heard him sit up again and this time say "Was it really her?"

I was catching my breath outside in a lady-like way (i.e. puffing and panting like a red-faced loon in heat) I had to duck into a bush just in time for Emma to walk round the corner with .

And now I have thorns in my bum holy and I have an hour to walk in this state..Ughhhh why me why?

**20 Minutes Later**

And good news,it has started raining.

**5 Minutes Laterer**

No,scratch that -SLEETING.

Bloody bell.

**30 Minutes Even More Later**

Was plodding along in the ice and rain when someone pulled over and opened their door.

The light shone in my eyes and I had to blink then I heard THE original Sex God say "Want a ride on my camel?"

**Home,Bed**

All shivery and sneezy but at least (ish) I am home.

Robbie picked me up and drove me home.

He even had some band shirts he let me dry off on.

I sort of...secretly stashed one in my bag.

Not to be creepy or anything.

It was a souvenir.

**15 Minutes Later**

...ok,and it smelled like him and slightly gave me the Horn.

But at any rate,he says Dave saw the car out the window and it said it was Camel-coloured so he said I should call it his camel .And what's more it is 100% green whatever that means.

Dave must be colour-blind.

Robbie 's car is a sort of a tan creamy colour.

When Robbie dropped me off he only said "Be a good girl,Gee" like I was Libby's age or something, and what's worse he only kissed me on the cheek.

Is he really marrying that stick insect?

Oh,my life really is going all to Hell in a poo-basket.

a/n: I just noticed Franseca reviewed right as I posted this so make that 2 reviews.

Fanks for the loverly review,Fransesca! xoxo (in a VERY non-lesbiany manner) ~Lauran~

~Lauran~


	17. Sven Has Fully Exposed Me

hilaryemma45-Do NOT throw your computer ! I do NOT need a Slim/Hitler Mommy

fandango on me like,erm,a rash on P. Green's exspansive bum. (erlack, now THERE'S a mental image for you !)

starlight2twilight -This chappy is vair slow, but I PROMISE the next chappy is packed with lottttttttttttttttts of Dave !

Chaela-laughluuurver -Yes,you ARE mad ! :-) In a good way,butt of course ! (I had this

one teacher who was mena and old and deaf, so I would say things like, instead of 'but of

course" I'd say 'Butt of Horse" tee hee).And I am glad you liked my Robbie-killed-Dave

sequence...I was laughing soooooo hard when I wrote it,because I pictured you lot throwing

computers out the window,etc !

DevineOne -Thank you I really really enjoy your stories, and your reviews of mine lurvely

stories, too! xoxo

Apple Green Betty-Yay ! I am glad you found my stories amusant and erm,so on ! And I'm

really really glad you like my stories so nuch ! That makes me fell all warm and fluffy

maybe it's gas...At any rate,I lurve your stories too,and that is _le fact_ !

Alex-Tide waits for no man,and no man is an island and erm...so ,Dave will get

Gee in the end! Oooooer that sounded wrong ! O _0

Leigh xxx-You'll just have to wait and see if they will get together,Gee and Dave I mean so

MWAHAHAHAHAHA ~~~~my evil laugh

**I do not own the Gee Nicolson stories (the luuuurvely and **_**tres **_**mad Louise Rennison **

**does) **

**I do not own the Gee Nicolson series,or the loverly Dave but boy how I wish I do...**

**ditto Jon Bon Jovi...Brad Pitt...Or Johnny Depp,YUM !**

**But anyways I don't own Gee Nic or any of the stories.. ..the loverly Louise**

**Rennison does !I don't own Gee,nor any Gee-related plots,characters,etc, Louise**

**Rennison does.**

**I don't own Georgia or any of the characters,especially Sven and his furry shorts...**

**Louise Rennison does.**

**I do not own Hakuna Matata..the Lion King people (Disney?) do.**

**Fanks to Stephen St. Oorsglaad (yes I know a Norweigan-type person! He is beyond **

**MAD but he's lovely and a fab mate) for translating Hakuna Matata for me...and **

**singing it though I insisted (repeatedly...aLOT) for you not to !**

**Thank you guys for the lurverly reviews.I am soooooooooooooooo soooooo sorry it **

**took**

**me literally ages to update ! I lost my drive (yes,again) but I had my stories backed up**

**on another drive,and then I got busy (ooer) and well,the short and short of it is,I really**

**really didn't like how this chapter ended so I stripped it and spanked -erm,I mean **

**CHANGED,yeah,that is what I meant-it and now here it is !**

**This was intended to take place in a time span over Janruary 6th-18th in Gee-time**

**buuuuutttttttt (and that is a LONG butt!) I didn't want to do that.I wanted a good,**

**nice thick long chapter not aLOT of little poo-y chappies so..yeah...what was my**

**nub and gist?**

**Po,poo pi've any rate,I just wanted to say I am really really really**

**really sorry I took soooooooooooooo long !**

**Then after I wrote ^^^ my hubby (yes I am married..I am an old married woman..ish) **

**had to get surgery for a hernia and I had to wait on him hand and foot..NOT fun ! **

**Beieve me ! I do and I am the one who said it !**

**And now I am just now recovering from pneumonia ...Poo :-( **

**There are only Janruary and February left in this book but alot happens so please**

**please please bear with me as I fact check and so on ! And I promise it won't**

**be-bloody bell-2 1/2 months between chappies ! Really ~!**

**Luuuurve and hugs and so on,**

**Lauran (Loon Extrdd)**

**P.S**

**I really really hate skipping days,I feel like I am cheating or something, but I have to well,mainly **

**because I am just now,literally just now,getting over pneumonia so I knowwww how it is.I had **

**pneumonia, plus a touch of food poisoning (my husband cooked,hahahhaa,no actually it was my **

**Mom...that's why I luuurve the Gee books so much,among other reasons).**

**Lauran**

LAST TIME  
_**Home,Bed**_

_All shivery and sneezy but at least (ish) I am home._

_Robbie picked me up and drove me even had some band shirts he let me dry off on.I sort_

_of...secretly stashed one in my bag._

_Not to be was a souvenir._

_..ok,and it smelled like him and slightly gave me the Horn._

_But at any rate,he says Dave saw the car out the window and it said it was Camel-coloured so he _

_said Robbie should call it his camel car._

_And what's more,Robbie told me it is 100% green whatever that means..It's sort of a tan creamy_

_colour._

_Dave must be colour-blind._

_Robbie too._

_At any rate,when Robbie dropped me off he only said "Be a good girl,Gee" like I was Libby's age_

_or something, and what's worse he only kissed me on the cheek._

_Is he really marrying that stick insect?_

_Oh,my life really is going all to Hell in a poo-basket._

**SVEN HAS EXPOSED ME **

**Friday,Janruary 7th**

**7am**

Euuurgghhh,I feel awful,like someone has stuck me in a bag of eels.

That was on fire.

**10 Seconds Later**

Checked under my covers.

Libby hasn't been in here.

I must be getting flu.

**7:45am**

Was laying in bed still,with all the covers kicked off when Mum came bustling in all cheery and..

Mumish.

It's almost too much to handle all at once.

She just ignored me,though, (_quelle suprise_) and knelt down and started pulling shoes out of the

bottom of my wardrobe.

I lay watching her,too sick to do anything, but then I remembered her Prada bag that I spilled

coffee in last week, shoved in the back.

Uh-oh,avert ! avert !

I faked a coughing fit.

Hmm...nothing

I coughed a little louder but she didn't even look my way.

She is getting closer to my-ok,FINE,her-bag...this is bad...

With all my strength (i.e. not very much) I shoved myself off my bed.

Results! (ish)

I didn't see Angus lurking like a furry lurker and landed on him.

He squalled like a mad banshee

and scratched my bum all to pieces then took off like a shot out the window.

Only my window was shut and he bounced back and hit Mum in the basoomas.

Luckily (ish) they are soooo very big he just bounced off and bounded down the stairs.

Erm,Angus did.

Not Mum's basoomas.

That would be odd.

And a threat on socety.

I heard a thump,then a crash and Dad yelled "Bloody furry git in trousers!"

So he's ok then.

Mum looked at me "Why are you in bed,Gee? "

"I'm not, I'm on the floor."

She came over and felt my head "You sound awful,and you're burning up! Get back in bed.I'll go

call your school then bring you up some soup."

I looked at Mum "Who are you and what have you done with my mother?"

**1pm**

Hmmmm I quite like being sick.

No school,no Slim, no stupid bloody berets.

We've been under eagle-eye watch for ages and I am hoping to have one last,erm,bang before

school is out,beret-wise.

We were discussing Beret Plans yesterday at Break but Lindsay was beaking around so we

didn't get much -ok,anything at all-accomplished.

Ever since she told us the "good news" (ahahahaha!) of her and Robbie being engaged, she's

been

following me around like a seeing-eye Nazi.

Which is what she is.

The only down side of this is today is Friday,so I'll be only missing one day of Stalag 14.

Poo.

**2:30pm**

The girls will be in R.E. now,filing their nairs, braiding their hair or -in Rosie's case-beard, maybe

finishing the last touches of makeup.

I tell you one thing.I am done with make up and boys and snogging. .

**3 Minutes Later**

...Maybe.

I'm too tired to think,now.I think I'll just take a little zizz,then tomorrow school's out so I can call an

Emergency Ace Gang meeting...

**Monday,Janruary 10th**

**5am**

What happened?

Last I remember I was thinking about school and the stupid school beret and now

it's Monday,at ,Bloody Hell,5am?

I must be really,really sick.

Or dying.

**20 Seconds Later**

No,I'm not THAT lucky !

Maybe my clock alarm thingy is just off.

I wandered into Mum and Dad's room,ignoring the fact that Mum had no shirt on...or bra and the

fact that all her clothes were,in fact,strung about the room.

Erghhhhhh.

I crept up,sneaky-mousey to Mum "Erm,Mum?"

"Nghhhhnnn"

"What day is it?"  
"Spangelferkel"

I tried to shake her shoulder but it just made her nunga-nungas jiggle too and I had to dodge to

nearly miss getting my eye poked out.

Erghhhhhh.

I hope that's not genetic.

**30 Seconds Later**

Like chin-wobbling.

Slim has got about 7 chins and each one wobbles in a different direction when she lectures

's

fascinating

to watch,but can make you a bit sick to watch if you look at it too long.

**3 Seconds Later**

Like Maths.

**15 Seconds Later**

Or Paris Hilton.

But anyways,where was I?

Oh,yes,waking up Mum.

**10 Minutes Later**

I had to give up in the end.

She wouldn't budge and just went on snoring away,abandoning me in my

time of need.

**1 Minute Later**

Though I did get a tenner out of it !

There's a new lip gloss at Boots, that I've been wanting to reckons it tastes-

**45 Seconds Later**

Oh yeah,I vowed,more boys ever again.

Poo.

**2 Minutes Later**

Now what am I going to do?

**45 Minutes Later**

Having a bit of flu is tiring.

And dull.

My head feels all poundy and my throat hurts like billio and I keep coughing up green grunk.

I better go to bed before I die on the floor.

I may be over boys and permanently off the rack of love forever,,,,,,,but I do not want be discovered

dead on my floor sans makeup... and in my Tellytubby jimjams.

**10 Minutes Later**

Put on a touch of lippy and mascara and crawled into bed just as Dad came in.

I pulled up my covers so he wouldn't see any bits of me.

"Dad, what are you doing in here?"

"Mum says to tell you to get your arse down to the car, we're taking you to the doctor."

Oh GOD.

**Bed,5 Hours Later**

And I am not exaggersting,

it really has been 5 hours.

I would have been home aLOT sooner but Libby got her head stuck in the rails of the examing

table

and we had to call the Fire Department to cut her out.

Mum had a grand time,flirting with anything that was even sllightly blokey.

It was sooo beyond gross.

She even

did sticky-eyes !

How does she know about sticky-eyes?

If she has been reading my diary then...well,I am deader than a dead girl on dead

tablets.

Libby didn't mind all the chaos.

In fact she sang and laughed the whole time.

I tell you,that girl is NOT normal.

Doctor Gorgey helped a bit at least.

He says I have pnumonia and it takes a few WEEKS to get

over

and what's more I'm not allowed to go out with my mates untill he gives the all-clear in a week

because I could be contagious.

When he told me this I sat up and grabbed Mum's arm.

"I can't see my mates for a WEEK?What am I going to do for a week?"

Mum shook me off "Don't be stupid,you can help me clean house." and went off to flirt with

more firemen.

I lay back in bed,gobsmacked.

A week without my mates? What am I going to do?

**Tea-Time**

No calls from anyone all day.

Not that it matters,my throats too sore for me to talk.

All I can do is grunt and point.

Mum suggested I just take long hot baths or showers and stay in bed all day.

But that's no fun.I'd rather be up and about.

I actually feel fine right now,like I could run a marathon(ish).

I think I'll go tell Mum that right now.

**Bed**

I went down to tell Mum and the next thing I know Dad and Uncle Eddie are carrying me

up to my room.

It 's not neccasary for them both to carry me-I'm not that heavy.

But when I tried to tell them it hurt.

Oh God what if I lose my voice?

**2 Minutes Later**

What if I lose my voice forever?

**12 Minutes Later**

Lindsay would have a hay day if I 'd be like "Say something if you don't want me to shove

you

down the stairs" and then I wouldn't be able to say anything so she'd send me down the stairs to

my death.

Damn.

**33 Mintutes Later**

Mum's advice was drink some tea and take a long shower.

So now I am shivery in bed and I have to piddle vair vair badly...but I am too cold to get up.

What am I going to do?

To shiver or to pee,that is _le question_.

**2 Minutes Later**

Sod it,I am going to have to go to the loos.I really,really don't want to sit in a puddle for the next few

weeks.

**3 Minutes Later,Bed**

Brrrrrr,soooo vair vair cold !

As soon as my feet hit the floor they turned to raisins.

No,I don't mean they got all purpley and wore sunglasses.

They shriveled up and got all shrinky and eerggghhhh-ified ,like old-person feet.

Erlack.

**15 Minutes Later**

Angus has decided to roll in Mrs. Next-Door's frog pond, then dry off in my bed.

I tried to shove him off.

I even hit him with my pillow but he ate half my pillowcase.

**30 Minutes Later**

Had to leave.

Angus rolled in my blankets so I moved my duvet to the floor and went to

get more when I got back he had done a big poo on my duvet.

So now I am bedless,cold, and have old-person feet.

This is so typical of my life.

**10pm,Couch**

No one's called allllll day.

Even my mates have forgotten me.

I have never been so lonely,all on my,erm,owney.

**Tuesday,Janruary 11th**

**9:30am**

I could barely open my eyes this morning.

For a minute I though I'd gone blind.

Then when I went and washed my face,exfoliated and so on I got dizzy and nearly fainted into the

loo.

I had to have Mum come help me back into bed.

I feel sorry for people stuck in hopsitals with no Mum's to carry them from the loos to the bed...

**10am**

I nearly completely forgot-Dave's in the hospital !

I wonder if he's ok?

**2 Minutes Later**

Not that I care or anything.

He is an ex,yesterday's news and,erm...he was mean.

He slapped me for no reason.

**15 Minutes Later**

OK,fine,I was feeling all poo-y and general crap at the school Winter Daze Dance, and Dave came out and

said "I never know about minute we are mates and snogging, then next you are blowing

me off for some...Sex God. Do you really expect me to wait around forever for you?What kind

of bloke do you think I am?" and I said "Do you REALLY want me to answer that,Dave?" only

I called him David and he slapped me.

**20 Minutes Later**

He was all poo-faced and sorry about it, but then he left with Emma so I don't think he was.

**30 Seconds Later**

Sorry,I mean.

**30 Minutes Later**

Why am I thinking about this?He hurt me and I am moving to Leprachaun-a-go-go Land .

So that is that.

**4pm**

Today has gone sooo slow.

Jas came by after school.

I nearly choked to death on my soup in suprise when she walked in.

She sat on my bed "Don't be so dramamtic."

I resisted the urge to biff her (mainly because I felt too weak to)

and said instead "So,any goss?"  
"Not and Tom are sick and Rosie was all sneezy and moody in R.E. so she's

got , why haven't you been in school?"  
I looked at her "I've been traveling the world being a gorgey super-model."

"You don't have to be so sarcastic."

I replied "You don't have to be dim,yet,there you are" and she started to do stupid flinge-flicky.

I slapped her hand away "And stop that!"

She got up and went to my dresser mirror and started pouting at herself 'Do you think I should

cut my hair shorter round my ears?"

"No,not with ears as big as you've got"

She didn't even turn round "I am going to ignore that because I know you are in a bad mood

because you are leaving and you have to take it out on me because

you have no family or boyfriend to speak of."

She turned round. "It's a good thing I am a good mate,isn't it

Gee?"

I threw my shoe at her and it hit her square in the conk,hahaha.

**5pm**

Jas has gone.

I don't know why she left in such a huff,in her Huff-Mobile.

As she was going out the door she called back "And I had goss about Dave and Emma!"  
I'm sure she doesn't and she was just saying that so I'd apologize.

**10 Minutes Later**

I think.

**45 Minutes Later**

I can't stand it not knowing !

I wonder if Jas is home yet?Or did she say she was going to town?

Damn,I should have listened to her.

Properly,I mean.

**20 Minutes Later**

I called Jas' but her Mum answered.

I slammed the phone down .

I don't want Jas to know if I called but I really,really want to know

what she meant by goss about Dave and Emma.

**5 Minutes Later**

Not that I care or anything...I was just curious.

I thought they broke up,then Emma shoved him down a flight of stairs?

**14 Minutes Later**

At least I THINK they are Splitsville,Arizona still.

I mean,Dave wouldn't go back with Emma after that would he?

**45 Minutes Later**

Right?

**Wednesday,Janruary 12th**

**10:15am**

I'm shattered this morning...up till 3am last night (or is it this morning ?) worrying -

erm I mean THINKING-about this whole Dave-and-Emma thing.

Mainly trying to figure out why I am so upset over it.

I really was,upset I mean.

I nearly fainted and I got all hot and kicked the covers off and opened the windows and then I got

too cold to move so I slept with the windows open and now I feel like even more crap than I did

yesterday.

Mum says it's the pnumonia.I said "No,it's the sight of your fat bum in my tight jeans that is making

me sick"

and she tutted.

I wish I was sick more often.

Then I could get away with saying more things like that, and blame it on cough medicene.

Now I see why girls that have horrid mums never go out and just drink cocktails all day.

Or become lesbians.

**45 Minutes Later**

I don't think I'll be a lesbian,though.I tried.I took out some pictures of Denise Van Outen and tried to

imagine kissing her but I couldn't quite do it.

**2pm**

The phone's ringing but I feel too hot and cold to get it.

I yelled down the stairs "The phone to your home is ringing!"

No answer.

"Hellooooo?"

Still no answer.

I went downstairs to the phone and called out "OK,I'll just drag myself from my deathbed,then."

and Dad yelled back "Fine,Gee,anything,just stop that shouting!"

Which is so caring.

**1 Second Later**

Not.

I cralwed like a leper hunchback down the hall and picked up the phone

"Hello?"

"DO THE VIKING DISCO INFERNO!"

"Hello Rosie.I thought Stalag was in?"

"It 're on 've barricaded ourselves in the upstairs lab."

"Oh,ok then,oh Bearded Mad what are you ringing me about then?"  
'I have goss and Jas told me you threw a shoe at her for no reason -"

"Except for her being generally,well,twitty"

"Yes,that IS true,she really is a twit of the first water."

I heard a thump and an OW then another thump and a rousing chorus of HORN! and some slurping

then Rosie came back on the phone "Sorry,had to take care of ,what I was

saying before I was so rudely interuupted was that we just found out Emma has been taking Dave

his homework after school and she made him -chip ones"

"Is she TRYING to kill him?"

"No,but I gave him pnumonia though."

"WHAT?"

"Bloody Hell, Gee,I said Emma gave Dave pnumonia,and-"  
"WHAT?"

"If you say what I am going to be forced to come down and kill you.

Emma gave Dave pnumonia.

At least I think so. She 's been seeing him every day after school and every weekend afternoon.

That's when she brings him her choccie biccies "

"WHA-ere did you get that information?Where did you find out? I mean,how did you find out?"

"Nice save Gee."

"Fanks"

"At any rate, Robbie and Tom went to see him and Hunky told Radio Po all this,who told everyone

else in England"

I could hear Jas,in the background go 'Will you stop calling me that!" and Rosie shouted off-fone

"Shut your gob,Radio Po." and I could hear Jas -erm,Radio Po huffing for the world.

Hahahahaha.

Rosie said "I hope you get mum won't let us come ..She says you're

contagious.

I tried telling her Sven has exposed me-"

"OOoer"

"-to all sorts of wildlife,like his beard"

"Ooer!"

"And Jas is dating wildlife so we should be ok but your Mum wouldn't have 'll try and come

round Sunday."

"Why not Saturday?"

There was an awkward pause, then

"Well ,there's a gig, and we're all going..."

"Without me?"

"Well.."

"What about all for one and all for one and each for one of us and so forth?"  
"Well,I.."

"Some mates you are" and I put the phone down on her.

How can they go to a gig and dance the night away while I sit here,on my deathbed?

**30 Minutes Later**

This is actually not the first time they've done it to me (oo-er!).

What I mean is, when I was on _Le _Rack _Du Amor_ and was forced to stay home because I was sick

(ok,fine,I wore shoes two sizes to small for me and they had to get cut off...my shoes did,not my

feet) and they went and danced the night away.

Poo.

**15 Minutes Later**

Why does things like this always happen to ME?

I mean,really?

**11pm**

Thought about it all day (what else could I do?) and I have decided to try and get better by Saturday.

Today's Wednesday so that shouldn't be bad; gives me two days.

**12 Minutes Later**

Well,it's closer to midnight now, so say 1 day and erm,about an hour.

Bit that is still plenty of time to get well.

**Midnight**

Right?

**3 Minutes Later**

Hmmmm,maybe I better consult the Bible.

**30 Seconds Later**

No not THAT Bible,Mum's Cosmo.

**1 Hour Later**

Ok I read Mum's spec. ed. edition Cosmo, how to look Fab And Gorgey When You Are

Really On Your Deathbed.

Well,that is not what it was called but you get my nub (ooer,sir!).

Any road, it says to cleanse,exfoliate tone and moistorise as normal, plus steaming your face

helpsto pick up your colour a bit.

So does gargling with salt and putting Vick's under your nose.

Hmmmmm...This may be an all-day deal thing.I better sleep now.

**45 Minutes Later**

And of course,I can't sleep.

Typical.

I don't even know why I am bothering to try,I mean,the Sex God left me for a Stick Insect,then

Whangamata, then a Stick Insect again.

And the Guitar Homosex-erm,I mean Masimo left me...well, stole me (ish) and held me against

my will (ish).

Am I ugly or something?

**3 Minutes Later**

Got out my compact .My worst fears are confirmed,I am Ms. Ugly,my hairs is standing

on end,my nose is even more grotestely larger than usual (yes,suprisingly it IS possible) and red

and is sore from wiping,a LOT and my eyes are all red and runny.

Poo.

I might as well stay home,grow my leg hair.

Maybe I can get it into little plaits...and plait Angus' hair to match.

**Thursday,Janruary 13th**

**1pm**

Shattered this morning,erm,Afternoon ;didn't fall sleep til round 4am.

I better hurry up and get _le _jump on my beautosityness then.

**2 Minutes Later**

I guess,I mean,what else have I got to do?

Snog my non-existant snog partner?

How sad.

Never mind.

Dad's out flooding peoples' homes or whatever it is that he does and Mum and Libby went to

see

Grandfarty, as Libby has been expelled from Kindy for pasting feathers to Josh's PANTS.

She says Josh is her "Sex Bum" and that she **LOBES **him.

Dear God.

At anyrate,Mum's gone over to discuss wedding plans with Maisie.

Good Lord,I thought they were kidding? Are they REALLY going to go through with it.

Tlak about the mental leading the mental...

**10 Minutes Later**

Just had a thought,Grandad has had more snogging action than I have in the last 4 weeks,how

sad.

**2 Minutes Later**

I wonder if they have gotten up to number 10 yet,you know,nudge nudge wink wink?

Grandad has had more in that department too.

OH MY GOD no no no no,BAD mental image, get out,get out !

**5 Minutes Later**

Banged my head on the wall to get the image out and all it's done is left a big red streak,

Lovely

(not).

I better get started before the rest of my life,not that I have much of one, goes pear-shaped.

**20 Seconds Later**

Some more.

**15 Minutes Later**

I tell you one thing for free,do NOT exfoliate when you're sick.

My nose is all red and pain-y from wiping

it so much (your nose,shutupshutup).It hurts like billio.

And don't rinse with hot water,it stings.A LOT.

In fact, just try not to do any thing at all except steaming your face and uhm,erm,that is it.

Now the only question is,how do I get rid of redness of the face?

**15 Minutes Later**

Tried splashing cold water but it was too much,so lay a cold rag over my face and got into bed.

It was vair nice.

And it made my face feel all tight and clean.

In a good way.

But now my nose is HUGE and red.

My best bet is to bung some cotton swabs up there and move on to

makeup,hair,and clothes.

**3 Minutes Later**

Skirt or not to skirt,that is the question,as Billy Shakespeare would say if he was a woman.

Or a transvestite.

I better call the Ace Gang to see what they're going to wear.

**15 Minutes Later**

Bugger I forgot they're at Hell,aka School.

Now what?

**9pm**

Laid down for a short zizz and woke up to Mum bending over me,her nunga-nungas about 2

centimeters from my eye.

My life flashed before my eyes and let me tell you,it wasn't nice.

Neither is getting smothered to death by Mum's basoomas.

I said "Back off before you kill me!" well at least I tried to but all I could do was sort of moan.

My throat is all sore and tingly.

What fresh bell?

Mum sat back (thank God and Allah and who ever else is up there with him) and called "Bob

she's awake!"

Then I saw black and that was it.

**Sunday, Janruary 16th**

**2pm**

Wha-What happened?

I was trying to pick out what to wear to the gig and now I'm in bed.

And I had the weirdest dream EVER.

First, I was in Stalag 14 and I was on-stage talking about Masimo and dape-rate,erm,Date-

Rape,and I look down and Dave the Laugh is in the front row of pews in camel boxers.

And he's sitting next to Masimo.

Then I look down and I am in the nuddy-pants and Rosie starts cheering and yelling "Good one

on ya mate" in a really crap posh Cockeney accent and then Slim comes in in erm,well,not vair

much let's just say that.I am in sheer desperadoes trying to getting rid of THAT mental image.

And I wouldn't wish it on anyone else,that's cruel and unusual punishment,that is.

At any rate,Slim came up in her nuddy-pants, all 10 chins and 4 beards (you do NOT want to

know,Lord knows I wish I didn't!) and said "Nicolson,that's 10 points for allowing boys in the

school!"  
I tried to say "But Miss!" but then Dave would gigle in a really really high pitch giggle and that

would set me off in mad hysterics.

Then he leaned over and Robbie appeared on the other side of him..and they snogged!And it

was full-frontal _knutschen_ with tongues...aLOT .

Oh my Lord Sandra.

The fever has affected my brain.

**13 Minutes Later**

Got dressed and went down.

Mum was having tea with Libby in the kitchen.I notised her tea had bits of

play-Do in it but I ignored it.

"Mum,you cooked!"

Mum jumped up and hugged me (!) then went to the phone "I'm so glad you're ok! I better call

Dr. G .He said to call as soon as you're feeling better.I just hope his hangover isn't too bad.

Did you know he goes to your Uncle Eddie's bars, just to see me?Well that is what he said last

night -" and she GIGGLED.

I left the kitchen.

'Dr. G.'

Good Lord.

I am on my deathbed and she is too busy flirting with my DOCTOR to notise.

How sad and truly,truly, typico of my sad,sad life.

**Midday**

Was laying in bed,contemplating maternicide when Mum came in,in the shortest skirt

known to humanity and MY special gold cross-over top.

I sat up in bed 'What the-" then Dr. Gorgey popped his head round the door "Knock knock!"

Yes,he actually said that. And Mum LAUGHED.

I could kill her.

If I did it'd be a whatsit-not a crime against humanity,that's Uncle Eddie wearing

leatherette.

Or Wet Lindsay's face.

No,it's the opposite of that -a badger of humanosity.

Yes,I should kill her and then the Queen will give me an award and make me an honorary Lady

and then I can have the power to ban all Slim and Elvis-types from all of England.

Maybe send them to Lederhosen-a-go-go .By the looks of Slim and the pongo-y smelli-

-ness of Elvis,I'd say they luuurve the lederhosen and chiz .

But what was I saying before I

so rudely interuppted myself?

Oh,yes,Dr Gorgey popped his head round the door saying "Knock knock!" then came in.

I pulled my

duvet over me so he wouldn't see any of my body.

Plus I couldn't remember if I had a bra on or not

and I didn't want to chance an ad hoc nip-nip incidents.

Mum tsk'd. "It's not like you have anything I don't"

I looked at her "And he's seen them to know it?" and she went VAIR red .Even her neck went

beetroot ...

Oh,GOD !

I raised an eyebrow at Mum and she stood up real fast "I am going to do the washing up,love."

and both me and Dr. Gorgey went "'Kay"

I raised my other eyebrow at Mum. She gave me evils,then actually RAN out of the room.

Oh my Giddy God's trousers,she is having an affair with the 'good' Doctor Cloony.

God,God God God. I am sick for one measly week and my life is in ruins.

Libby is drinking play-Do tea, Mum is having an affair and Dad is...where IS Dad? I'll have to

ask Mum.

Before I kill her.

**25 Minutes Later**

World -breaking breaking news!

Doctor House-Breaker has given me a clean bill of health ! And what's more I can go back to

school Wednesday as long as I don't,you know,cough up a lung or anything !

I said "Fanks Doc that's fab news!" sarcastically but he didn't get the humorosity of it.

He says I "can't" go back Monday in case I am still contagious.

Maybe I can cough on HIM for,you know,having an affair...

**2 Minutes Later**

No, that wouldn't work.

He is around the diseased aLOT so he's porbably used to it all and had it all (Oooer!).

Besides,Mum probably wouldn't mind.

Mum is,it has to be said,a big tart.

So there's that.

**25 Minutes Later**

Was going for a short snooze but Mum came in all happy and red-faced (and wearing jeans too,

I notised,the one she paints in) and sat on the bed by me and started petting my hair.

Why? I am not a

cat or something.A non-mad one,I mean.

If anyone but Libby tried to do that to Angus he'd have your

arm off.

But as I was saying,I sat up "What now?"

"Dr Gilhooey has just told me you can go back to school soon."

"He left 30 minutes ago and you're just now coming round?"

She went a bit pink "Well,we had tea and talked,some..."

"What could you and Dr Gorgey have to say?"

She went red and stood up "Me and Dr Gorge-erm,Gilhooey are NOT having an affair!"

I went "Ha" and she actually SHOUTED at me.

"Georgia, you are a selfish,spoiled brat! As soon as you are well enough on Wednesday you are

grounded for 2 weeks!You are NOT to leave this room!"

"Then I might as well be sick ,you'd have Dr Clooney or whatever his name is over some and

do Lord Sandra-knows-what to him!"  
Mum opened and closed her mouth a few times then she stomped out,slamming the door behind her.

As she slammed the door she looked at me "You're HORRIBLE."

I called after her "Yes but at least I am not a tart!"

But only quietly enough so she wouldn't hear me and strangle me before I get to see my mates

That is,if I have any mates. They've not even come round to see

even if I died yet.

Oh,now I really am depressed.

**11pm**

Was sitting in my bed of aggers and quite possibly lesbianism when a knock came on my door.

"Sorry there are no blokes half your age in for you to act like a slag round,Mum!"  
There was a pause then Robbie said "Is this a bad time then?"  
Oh my Giddy God Trousers, Robbie is here ! At MY door !

I shoved my tissues and various bras and knickers under my bed then crawled in bed and pulled

my covers to up round my chin.

"_Entres-vous!"_

Erm,why am I speaking French?

Robbie came in closely followed by the Ace Gang ! Yessss ! The Ace Gang rides again !

They did a celebratory victory dance and I tried to join from laying down but it made me cough.

A LOT.

Jas sat down and looked at me all smiley "How are you bestie?"

"Hmpph." I turned my chin to the wall.

No easy feet-I think my nose has grown ..Itfeels like

it weighs14 stone alone.

"Gee,listen,we didn't go to the gig,"

I looked at Rosie and she nodded and her plaited beard,like that yummmmmmmmmmmmmy,

gorgey pirate on Pirate of the Caribbean movie, not the elf guy though he is cute too,the other

cute guy,anyways,her beard like his (...or something like that) bobbed.

"We didn't"

I felt tears sting my eyes "You Lot are beyond the best of mates!"

I gathered them all for a group hug but jumped back quickly when cold..and slimy touched my

leg.

I lept up "What in the name of arse!"

"Sorry,I forgot Sven had those stored in his shorts."

"What were?"

"Sveny got for me a whole sardine for only 3.50 pounds!"

I looked at Rosie."Why were they in his shorts?"  
"He doesn't have any pockets."

Of course.

The Ace Gang and Robbie stayed round at mine for a few hours.

Turns out they didn't go to the gig because it was canceled because

the club caught fire! I said "Oh no,Rosie,you didn't tell Sven about the Fire incident at Stalg 14

did you?"

(_a/n-referencing book you hadn't read it,msg me and I'll explainish it to you)_.  
But no,Robbie says Mark Big Gob and his lardy mates had taken their midget girlfriends to

snog and...so on and they were smoking fags (no,no, not like THAT) and one of them dropped

theirs on a seat, and burnt the Sugar Club half down.

I said "Was anyone hurt?" and Jools said "No but Mark Big Gob has alot less hair on his bum"

Turns out he ran out door with no undercrackers on,down the street, his socks on fire,hahaha!

Mum made them leave round 10 but it was vair sads seeing them go.

I can't go back to school for 2 more days yet.

Poo.

**3 am**

I wonder how Dave is ? ...

**Monday,Janruary 17th**

**7am**

Dressed and went down for brekkie as usual.

I tried to show Mum I was OK enough for school but she made me go back to bed when I

sneezed at the table and the plate of toast moved 4 centimeters.

I think I need a new plan.

**8pm**

Thinking all day and I think I've got it ! (ooer) !

**Tuesday,Janruary 18th**

**7am**

Bundled up and am ready to go.

And to make sure there is no sneezosity I have plugged my nose with cotton.

Ha.

**Bed**

Everything was going well and Mum said I could go but then I sneezed and my cotton balls flew

out and landed in Dad's porridge.

Mum sent me back upstairs and told me if I tried again or blocked my nose with cotton she'd

block all me other holes with a whole roll of loo roll.

And I quite think she meant it.

**11am**

This is def the lowest point in my life, where I am trying to make plans to sneak INTO Stalag 15.

Bloody Hell,this is a new low for me.

**12 Minutes Later**

Lower then snogging Mark Big Gob.

**2 Minutes Laterer**

Or Whelk Boy Pete Dyer.

**35 Minutes Later**

Or using Dave as a whatsit-a Red Herring.

**2pm**

This has GOT to be the longest day EVER.

Come ON come ON tomorrow...

**23 Minutes Later**

Maybe if I go to bed early I'll wake up sooner.

**Wednesday,Janruary 19th**

**7am**

Wrong.

I'm shattered this morning-I woke with a start last night round midnight and Libby was standing

over me with scissors.I didn't fall back to sleep till 4am-every little noise or creak woke me up.

I never knew how noisy this house is.

But on the bright side,today is my day of FREEDOM !

Yesss!

**Brekkie Table**

I sat down cross Mum.

Libby was eating scramby eggs with a straw.I tried not to look at her.

'So,Mum,no excuses I am a free woman!"

Dad snorted "That's just what this country needs,another free woman"

Never mind him,I am freeee!

But Mum turned round and looked at me "Are you OK Gee?"  
"Yes,what-"

"You look a bit 't she look a bit peaky,Bob?"

Dad looked at me a second then went back to his scramby eggs and rasher of bacon.

"She's a bit tired-eyed but all right I guess." Hee got up kissed me on the top of my hair then

snogged Mum a real,propersnog . Then he said 'G'day girls!" in some ludicrous

Kangaroo-a-go-go Land twang.

Good Lord.

Mum wasn'r done though.

She kept eyeing me like some Nazi Gestapo seeing-eye Slim.

"MMMmmmm I better call Dr. Gilhooey,just in case."

Oh God.

She wouldn't.

I grabbed her arm. "Really,Mum,I am ok,see ,no cotton!"

She started dialing "Stop being silly .This is for your own good,you know."

"But Muuuum!"

She turned and gave me the evils and said "For your own good." to me then she said into the

phone "Yes,Dr Gilhooey this is you?(pause)Yes, how are you?"

She listened for a bit then laughed.I could kill her.

"Listen,Geor-uhm,Doctor,Gee has been sneezing and acting a bit..well,not normal this morning."

She listened a bit,then said "Well,she tried to get me to look up her nose.(pause)Yes she HAS

beeen sneezing...ahuh...ahuh...Ok,can you say that one more time please?"

She put the phone on speaker than held it out so I could hear Dr Gorgey say "-would be Ok if

you kept her home an extra day."

I fell to my knees "Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

I heard Dr Gilhooey say "Bloody Hell what was that?"

Mum said quickly into the phone "The dog" then rang off.

Then she rounded on me "Now look at what you made me do,made me lie to your doctor.

Go to your room."

I tried to protest,I only got as far though as "But you'-" and she gave me the evils again.

**11am**

Today is going to be the longest day .

EVER.

Mum went to lunch with her yoga instructor (a guy,he is German and his name is Franz.

Lord save us all).

As she left she said "Oh,Gee,since you're home can you do me a favor and do some chores

round the house?I left a list on the table"

The list was about 2 pages long.

Literally.

**1pm**

I have made a nice list on how to re-evalutate and fix my vair vair CRAP of-a-life.

Mainly though it's different ways to kill Mum.

Too bad we don't live in Bermuda.

Or the Congo.

People go missing there all the time.

**8pm**

What a HORRID day.

When Mum came home from lunch with Franz a bit drunk (!) she got mad I didn't sweep,mop,

dust,etc and actually SHOUTED at me.

And when I told her "I was too sick to do anything,remember?"

She actually threw her shoe at me didn't miss for once.

And literally NO ONE has called ALL day.

**5 Minutes Later**

No,I lie,Jas did wanting to know why I didn't meet her at her gate this morning.

Then when I told her why,and what Mum said earlier,Jas told me "Well,your Mum's right,you

know." so I hung up on her.

She's still not called me back sinse.

**Thursday,Janruary 20th**

**7am**

I fell sleep round midnight last night and I even woke up 'fore my alarm.

So that means something good,right?

**13 Seconds Later**

Rite?

**8am**

Snuck out the door.

I had to,my life was in jeopardy and I mean that literally.

Mum was walking round the kitchen in a white nightie with her makeup all smudgy and she was

banging pots and pans all around the kitchen.

Dad tried to bribe me to go get some bacon for him but I took his tenner and made a run for the

door.

Freee ! Freeee at last!

Skipped all the way up to Jas'.

She was sitting on her wall eating a jammy dodger but when she saw me she jumped down.

"Jas,Jas,I have a song and my heart and do you know what it is?"  
"Uhmmm,Achy Breaky Heart?"

"No,it's-"

'Let me guess! Ok then,Heartbreak Hotel?"  
"Well,no,it's-"

"Oh,I got it !My Heart Will Go On!"

I biffed her in the head with my rucky.

"No,you fringey twit,it is the song of freedom!"  
Jas got all huffy "You could have let me guess."

and pulled out her compact to try and walk and fix her fringe at the same time.

I said "And you could have missed that bush."

She looked up "What bush?"  
"This one!" and I shoved her into a shrub and ran for it.

**Assembly**

The girls are back in town ! The girls ARE back in town !

We did a celebratory Viking Disco Inferno untill Slim gave us the Evil eye.

We settled in ourseats.

I sat on the far end,next to Ellen,risking ditherosity.

I said to Jools "So,Any goss?"

"Melanie Griffith got a black eye."

"Wow,was she in a fight?"  
"No,she was playing volleyball.

She jumped to spike it and her nunga-nunga hit her in the eye.

Now it's all black and purpley"

"Wowwzee wow, you miss aLOT when you're on your deathbed."

Ellen dithered to life "But you like I mean,2 weeks?"  
"Yes Ellen I was being whatsit...objective."

Rosie snorted "You mean mental."

I shoved her "Shutup Rosie Mees,you're just jealous!"

She jumped up and grabbed her nunga-nungas and licked her lips "You know it"

Unfortunately that's when Wet Lindsay walked round the corner.

Rosie sat down but not fast enough "Mees,that's 2 points for lewd behavior!"

Then she slimed over to me and put her face next to mine.I could see a big boogey up her nose.

Probably saving it for a snack.

Oh Lord,no ,not the heebie-jeebie giggles now...

"I'm watching you Nicolson,one foul up..and you're mine"

"Yes well good thing I am not a lezzer."

She went pink and stood up fast, all agog like a spindly,foreheadless goldfish.

She opened and closed her mouth a few times,spun round on her heel and then stomped off.

Yesssss !

I jumped up "Victory for the Girls!" and did a mad victory dance .

The Ace Gang stopped laughing after a bit and a hand fell on my shoulder.

No,I don't mean a hand randomly fell from the sky (well,ceiling) on to my shoulder.

That would be creepy.

And a bit pongy.

No,I mean someone put their hand on my shoulder.

"Not starting out with detention are we?"  
After Slim jell-o'd off I said quietly to the Gang "What is this,some sort of Nazi prison?"  
Rosie put on a concerned face and felt my forhead "You must have been really out of it,how

could you forget our beloved ,Mistress ?"  
"I can' wait I til I tell you my dream."

**Break**

I told the Ace Gang my dream.

Even the uhm...beardy bits.

They looked at me agog for the longest time.

Then they skooted farrrr away from.

And they skooted their desks from me.

In Maths Rosie passed me a note "So how long have you been having these sexual dreams

about Slim then?"  
I looked at her,Yup,she had her beard on and her pipe.

I looked at her and shook my head but she mimed writing.

I wrote back "NEVER because a) I am not lesbian and never will be and b) if I was I would

NEVER be that desperate!"

Rosie wrote back "So it WAS a sexual dream then!"

Good Lord.

I refused to talk to anyone all day,I even went off to the Canteen on my own at break,but they

followed me.

They weren't hard to miss..Rosie had an Inspector Clueseau pipe and a detective hat on and

was humming her own theme .

In the end I ran into the loos and locked myself in a stall but they got into the next ones over

on either side and looked over the top bit of the stall.

"So Gee,when is it?"  
I looked up at Rosie "What?"  
"Yours and Slim's wedding!Are you the bride or the groom?It's a bit hard to tell-"

I shoved her backwards.

I heard her go "Ouch" and three or four others fall and start going "Owowow"

Ha.

I went out of the stall to the faucets.

Jas came out and stood there.

Just looking at me.

**2 Minutes Later**

She is still looking at me.

This is getting a bit nervy,and making me have to go to the Piddly-Diddly department vair,vair

badly.

**1 Minute Later**

Still looking...OK I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE

"WHAT,Jas?"  
"Gee there's no need to shout.I was just wondering..." she started flicking her fringe.

I resisted an

urge to slap her hands. "What,Jas?"

"Do you-"

"Yes?"  
"Do you?"

"Jas,I am not going to marry you no matter how much I beg."

She rolled her eyes. "Noooo!Do you want me to come round,you know,like we used to?"  
Rosie went "OOOHH get you" but I ignored her.

"Why?"  
"Because,you're,like stressed and Tommy-Wommy said that Dave being in the hospital and all,

it's like,you know,traumitising."

"Well,I don't know."

"Why not?"  
"I'm still mad you told me I deserved Mum throwing her shoe at me."

"Well-"

"And shouting at me-"

"I mean-"

"When I am on my deathbed."

"Gee,please!"

"Welll,only if you beg me"

"Please,Georgia?"  
"On your knees."

**5 Minutes Later**

Hahaha,I actually got Jas to get on her knees and BEG to let me come round to hers !

That is sooo patheticos.

Yet funny at the same time.

Jas can't come round tonight as it's a school night,and she's having an all-day ramble with Tom

Friday after school,but she PROMISED she'd be at mine first thing Saturday.

As the bell went I said "And oh yes,since you're coming to mine you have to bring snacksies!"

She went pink and sputtery and I went to German.

Haha.

**German**

We are now translating German songs.

Why?

How is that going to be helpful to my future travels to Germany,which I will never be doing?

The song we have to translate goes:

_Komm, süßer Tod, komm selge Ruh!_

_Komm führe mich in Friede,_

_weil ich der Welt bin müde,_

_ach komm! ich wart auf dich,_

_komm bald und führe mich,_

_drück mir die Augen zu._

_Komm, selge Ruh!_

which is basically about dying.

How depressing.

I passed a note to Rosie "Is he trying to depress us to death?"

She wrote back "I decided I want Hakuna Matata played at my wedding as I

march up the aisle.

It must be translated to Norweigan,though."

Good grief.

'How are you going to find that?"  
"I already did,want to hear them?"  
I shook my head no but she waited untill Herr Kamyer went off to the teachers'

to snog Miss Wilson (probably) then Rosie stood up and sang.

I wish she hadn't.

At anyrate, she sang:

Du glemmer sorger  
Som du mÃter pÃ jord  
Det er en problemfri  
Filosofi  
Hakkuna Matata  
Ikke noe men det rimer pÃ lotto  
Det ordet lÃser alle dine problemer  
Ja visst, ta Pumba for eksempel...

For... Da han var et ungdomssvin  
Da jeg var et ungdomssvin  
Veldig pent  
Takk!  
Hans egen aroma fikk en sel som var pell  
Og han ryddet savannen nÃr det led imot kveld  
Jeg er fÃlsom og sart  
Og min hud er tykk  
Og det sved  
For de bak fikk nervÃse rykk  
Ã, for en skam!  
Hans hud ble ram  
Sosialt var jeg lam  
Hans dufter var sÃ stram  
Ã, det gikk helt skeis  
Det gikk helt skeis  
Hver gang jeg...  
Nei vent...! Ikke sÃ ungene hÃrer det...

Hakkuna Matata  
To besnerende ord  
Hakkuna Matata  
Et skjÃnt metafor  
Du glemmer sorger  
Som du mÃter pÃ jord

Det er en problemfri  
Filosofi  
Hakkuna Matata

Du glemmer sorger  
Som du mÃter pÃ jord  
Det er en problemfri  
Filosofi  
Hakkuna Matata  
(Hakkuna Matata)  
Hakkuna Matata  
(Hakkuna Matata)  
Hakkuna Matata  
Hakkuuuuna Matata

Rosie has truly snapped.

Everyone clapped just as Herr Kamyer came and he flushed and said "Vell,fanks for der

velcomment!" whatever that is supposed to mean.

**5pm**

Brilliant walk .

There were no boys to worry about,except Tom but he doesn't count.

He likes veggetables so much he is even dating one (tee hee).

We all linked up and sang Hakuna Matata en Norway-a-go-go Landese on the way home.

**Friday,Janruary 21st**

**Assembly**

News-breaking news!

During assembly after the usual Gestapo Nazi seeing-eye dog bum-holio kissing and the daily

announcements,Slim had Herr Kamyer and Miss Wilson come on stage and announce...they are

getting married !

On the first day of Spring.

We all stood up and cheered "Hip hip hooray! 3 cheers for the merry old couple!" untill Slim had to

start threaten us with the usual beheadings,etc.

We are ALL invited and what's more it's on a schoolday so there is no school.

We did a viking disco inferno til Hawkeye said 'Yes but if you miss the wedding a detention is

imminent" so Poo.

Still,like Rosie said,it will be nice to see them finally get married in matching courdroy pants.

I hope we don't have to wear courdroy and wool to the wedding,though.

**Break**

Over Wispas Jas said "So are you going then?"  
We looked her.

I said "No,I am bally near 18 years,now"

Jas went pink "No,I meant the wedding.I think it's lovely."

Jools stuffed a whole Wispa Bar in her mouth."I fink fits un'at'rul"

I nodded "Yes,what Jools said."

"What,it's unnatural?"

"Oh,is THAT what she said then?"  
Rosie wadded up her wrapper and threw it at me but missed.

**R.E.**

Miss Wilson has us charting out the Spanish Inquistion.

Why?I thought this was Religious Education,not History?

Any road,as everyone else was busy,i.e. filing their nails,applying makeup or,in

Rosie's case, putting their beards in cornrows I had a look at Miss Wilson.

No,not a lesbian-y look,you Lot ! I mean,I tried to see what Herr Rudi sees in her.

I mean,he must see SOMETHING.

He IS marrying her.

I sent a note to Jools "Why do you think Rudi is marrying Miss Wilson?Pass this

round to The Rest,xoxo,Gee"

**15 Minutes Later**

This is their replies :He has der HOOOORRNNNNNN for her ! (Rosie,obviously)

He like,you know...love? (Ellen,good Lord,she even dithers on paper)

He must need glasses. Maybe he thought it was your wifey,Slim? (Jools..I

must remember to kill her later)

He loves her,isn't it obvious in the way he looks at her?Tom looks at me like that sometimes.

I hope we can end up like them (Jas...sadly enough).

I sent a note back to Jas "You mean sad and wear wool socks and courdroy jumpers

that don't quite reach your ankles?"

She read my note then got up and sat next to Ellen.

Hahahahaha.

She'll be sorry tomorrow.

I am going to make her my slave girl and have her clean my room,organise my clothes and

maybe even clean Libby's room.

Mum never even goes in there.I think she is afraid to.

**Saturday,Janruary 22nd**

**9am**

Up bright and early for slave-y girl.

I have even got a list of things for her to do.

**2 Minutes Later**

Ok,well,really it's the list Mum did up for when she FORCED me to stay home from Stalag 15

one day extra.

But I added onto it.

Like "Give Gee a pedicure."

AND

"Ditto Manicure"

and "Clean Georgia's room"

and even "Vacuum the hall rug."

Mainly because Angus did a big poo on it this morning.

Hahaha.

**10am**

Still no slavey girl...hmm...that's weird.

Uusally she is up at the bum-holio of dawn on her sad ramblings with Hunky.

Hmmm...

I'll give her 10 more minutes then I'll ring round.

**10.30am**

She probably went to catch polliwogs or whatever live in ponds, and got lost track of the time.

Or maybe she fell in (I wish).

**Noon**

Ok,I am getting worried now.

I better go ring her mum...

Or should I ring Tom first?

**5 Minutes Later**

Was dialing Tom when Jas came in flushed and dim,in full fringe-flicking mode.

'Halloooo Gee!" ..and loud.

"You're late! You said first thing and here,it's gone noon!"

"Well,you usually don't get up early on weekends."

"I did today."

'But I didn't know you would.I thought I'd have time to go see Tom and Dave first."

I rounded on her

"WHAT?"  
Turns out she has been going to see Dave everyday after school,as Tom brings him his

homework.

She just goes round with him like a sad fringey lapdog.

And what's more is she has been telling Dave EVERYTHING.

Bloody Hell.

"Even the bit about the dream?"  
She shifted "Well"

I grabbed her by her shirt and pulled her til her face was about 1/2 a centimetre from mine.

'DID YOU TELL DAVE ABOUT THE DREAM?"

"Well,maybe a little.."

"HOW MUCH JAS?"

She squeaked "All of it."

I let go of her shirt and she fell back over a footstool thingy.

I hope she bruised her bum.

"Georgia?"  
"Go away."

"But-"

"Go away or I am going to have to kill you."

She ran to the door,gave me one last scared look then ran out it,slamming the door behind her.

I am literally NEVER talking to Jasmine Barnes AGAIN.

**Sunday,Janruary 23rd**

**5am**

Up at literally the bum of dawn by the phone.

"'Lo?"

'Gee!"

It was Jas.

I hung up on her.I'm going back to bed.

As the great Lady Elton John (probably) said,any hour is too soon to deal with fringey twits in

voluminous knickers.

**2 Minutes Later**

Phone again.

Bloody Hell.

"Lo?"  
"Gee!"

I slammed down the phone on her.

Ha.

She who laughs last...laughs alone.

Which is quite sad if you think about it.

**25 Seconds Later**

I thought about it.

Boy,I am depressed.

I'm going back to bed.

**1 Minute Later**

Was halfway into bed when the phone rang again.I bally near ripped it off the wall.

But it was only Jas.

'Gee?"

She sounded half-way hysterical with a bit of nervy b going on.

Good.

Serves her right.

"WHAT Jas?"  
"Gee,don't hang up,it's Dave!"

My stomach went all swoopy.

"What Jas,WHAT?"

"He's got tonsilitis,he's going in for surgery!"

"When?"  
"RIGHT NOW!"

Oh,BLOODY HELL.


	18. Yes,DAVE! You know,blue eyes,broad shoul

**Yes,DAVE! You know,blue eyes,broad shoulders,RIDES AN IMAGINARY CAMEL!**

_Hi hi hi hi!_

_OMG sooooooooooooo much has happened since I last wrote things .By things I mean chapters you fules (and I mean that with all lovenosty...really)._

_First,my computer ATE my GEE FanFic folder ! AND the backup HD CRASHED!_

_Then my house burned down !_

_REALLY!_

_So I am going to have to re-write EVERYTHING,which is just PANTS in my opinion._

_I am also going to post each chapter as SOON as I write it on here because this sort of thing keeps happening to me!_

_I start college (high school Literature with a second in Pond and Creek Ecology) soon and work so I'm going to be VERY busy but I'll still take time out EVERY erm...WEEK to write!_

_Fanks to everyone that has read my story and to those that reviewed ! I love you all (really) !_

_REVIEW REPLIES (because I know you LOVE seeing your name,yay! I know I do,HINT HINT)_

**Chaela**_-I had bronchitis and was stuck in bed for nearly 2 weeks plus I had stupid pleurisy too which feels like a knife being stabbed in my side again,and again...Anyways,it has to do with my allergies.I used to get bronchitis or strep throat every year when I lived with my Olds still and they both smoke alot_

_**c123d456** -Whoever you are,FANKS FOR THE REVIEW ! And I knowwwwwwwwww but do you know how hard it is to not JUST stick them together!_

**My Super Bon Pallie**_ (you KNOW who you are!)-FANKS! And...HORNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! I know a little German (and French..Spanish...ASL...and I am too fluent in sarcasm,do you think I would make that up JEESH!)_

**Katheee**_-Here it is !_

_I DO NOT OWN THE GEE NICHOLSON STORIES,PLOTS,,ETC I WISH I DID THOUGH...ESPECIALLY DAVE THE LAUGH...HORNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!_

_HAPPY EASTER !I LOBE YOU ALL IN A VERY NON-LEZZIE WAY !_

_This is for my mom,who works as a nurse (RN) in the IntensiveCritical Unit at the local BIIIIG hospital !_

_And to my editor-YES I KNOW THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT WORDS IN THE ENGLISH (WELL,AMERICAN-ENGLISH) DICTIONARY THINGY ::::_

_lezzie_

_bum-holio_

_knickers-Jas_

_Gee_

_thingy_

_but to me they are so STOP OBSESSING !_

_((Last time))_

_Gee ran off with the well-known Homosexualist Hand Bag Lover Horse (Shut up Dave!) Masimo to England but being a Homosexualist he cheated on her, she came home with her mates who came to her 'rescue',Dave the Laugh admitted he loved her,bla blah blah but when they got Home he told Gee he wanted to keep it under wraps,Gee got mad,blah blah blah, Emma pushed Dave down some stairs, and now Dave is sick in the hospital._

**_Saturday,January 22nd_**

_**9am**_

_Up bright and early for slave-y girl._

_I have even got a list of things for her to do._

_**2 Minutes Later**_

_OK,well,really it's the list Mum did up for when she FORCED me to stay home from Stalag 15_

_one day extra._

_But I added onto it._

_Like:_

_ Give Gee a pedicure._

_(AND)_

_Ditto Manicure_

_and ...Clean Georgia's room_

_and even ..:Vacuum the hall rug._

_Mainly because Angus did a big poo on it this morning,__Hahaha._

**_10am_**

_Still no slavey girl...hmm...that's weird._

_Usually she is up at the bum-holio of dawn on her sad ramblings with Hunky._

_Hmmm..._

_I'll give her 10 more minutes then I'll ring round._

**_10.30am_**

_She probably went to catch polliwogs or whatever live in ponds, and got lost track of the time._

_Or maybe she fell in (I wish)._

**_Noon_**

_OK,I am getting worried now._

_I better go ring her mum..._

_Or should I ring Tom first?_

**_5 Minutes Later_**

_Was dialing Tom when Jas came in flushed and dim,in full fringe-flicking mode._

_'Halloooo Gee! ..and loud._

_"You're late! You said first thing and here,it's gone noon!"_

_"Well,you usually don't get up early on weekends."_

_"I did today."_

_'But I didn't know you would.I thought I'd have time to go see Tom and Dave first."_

_I rounded on her_

_"WHAT?"_

_Turns out she has been going to see Dave everyday after school,as Tom brings him his_

_homework._

_She just goes round with him like a sad fringey lapdog._

_And what's more is she has been telling Dave EVERYTHING._

_Bloody Hell._

_"Even the bit about the dream?"_

_She shifted "Wellllll..."_

_I grabbed her by her shirt and pulled her til her face was about a half a centimeter from mine._

_'DID YOU TELL DAVE ABOUT THE DREAM?"_

_Jas squeaked and went pink "Well,maybe a little.."_

_"HOW MUCH JAS?"_

_She squeaked again._

_Has she truly become Vole Woman (voles do squeak ,don't they?) "All of it."_

_I let go of her shirt and she fell back over a footstool thingy._

_I hope she bruised her bum._

_Jas stood and came over to me._

_"Georgia?"_

_"Go away."_

_"But-"_

_"Go away or I am going to have to literally kill you."_

_She ran to the door,gave me one last scared look then ran out it,slamming the door behind her._

_I am literally NEVER talking to Jasmine Barnes AGAIN._

**_Sunday,January 23rd_**

**_5am_**

_Up at literally the bum of dawn by the phone._

_"'Lo?"_

_"'Gee!"_

_It was Jas._

_I hung up on her.I'm going back to bed._

_As the great Lady Elton John (probably) said,any hour is too soon to deal with fringey twits in_

_voluminous knickers._

**_2 Minutes Later,__Phone again._**

_Bloody Hell._

_"Lo?"_

_"Gee!"_

_I slammed down the phone on her._

_Ha._

_She who laughs last...laughs alone._

_Which is quite sad if you think about it._

**_25 Seconds Later_**

_I thought about it._

_Boy,I am depressed._

_I'm going back to bed._

**_1 Minute Later_**

_Was halfway into bed when the phone rang again.I bally near ripped it off the wall._

_"WHAT?"_

_But it was only Jas._

_'Gee!"_

_She sounded half-way hysterical with a bit of nervy b going on._

_Good._

_Serves her right._

_"WHAT Jas?"_

_"Gee,don't hang up,it's Dave!"_

_My stomach went all swoop y._

_"What Jas,WHAT?"_

_"He's got tonsillitis,he's going in for surgery!"_

_"When?"_

_"RIGHT NOW!"_

_Oh,BLOODY HELL._

**Yes,DAVE! You know,blue eyes,broad shoulders,RIDES AN IMAGINARY CAMEL!**

**Sunday,January 23rd**

**2 Minutes Later**

OK,don't panic,don't panic,don't...

**2 Seconds Later**

Laying on the floor.

Mum came running in all concerned (hahah)

"What was that thump?"

Then she saw me laying on the ground and dropped to her knees.

I noticed she was wearing MY skirt.

'Georgia!"

Nice to see she cares;she's even getting on the dirty floor in MY skirt...

But then she grabbed me and shook me...hard.

(Maybe not)

"Are you OK?"

Hmmmm her face is sort of blotchy this close.I hope that is not genetic.

I stood up.

"Yes,Mum,I'm fine,just having a bit of a lie-down know how it is,having to lift mascara all day makes me tired,hahaha"

Only my laugh came out sounding strangled and all high-pitched and mad.I think I've finally lost the plot.

Mum came over all mummish(for once) and felt my forehead.

"Hmmm you feel clammy.I'm going to call Dr in the hall is never good."

"But in the road is?"

She gave me a Look then picked the phone off the floor.I could see her thong when she bent over. Erlack.

She held the phone to her ear.

**14 Seconds Later**

She is still holding the phone up,listening.

What is she—

**2 Seconds Later**

Oh,I get it ! Voley must be on the line still and not realize I've gone.

How sad.

**20 Seconds Later**

What could Voley be saying

**50 Seconds Later**

**Mum is still listening to The Voley One.**

**STILL have no bloody clue what's going on.**

GAH!

Ohhh all this suspense is killing me.

And making me have to go to the Piddly-Diddly Department vair vair bad.

I looked at Mum What's going on but she held up her hand and made 'shush'ing motions.

Huh.

I tried again.

"Is Jas still on" and Mum actually turned her BACK to me.

Fine.

I'll find out myself.

**2 Minutes Later,in my closet **

What should I wear?

**20 Seconds Later**

Jeans or skirt?

Ohhh no,I am not going down THAT road again.

**20 Minutes Later**

Running like a loon to Jas'.

I did go down that road...erm,no,I don't mean a real one...you know..jeans or skirt...Oh,You KNOW what I am talking about,stop acting like you don't.

What was I saying before I so rudely interrupted myself?

**2 Seconds Later**

Oh,yes.

I changed about 20 times but I finally look OK I think—I've got on red jeans,a white blouse-y peasant top, and red Naughty Monkey kitten heels with cherries on them and red cherry-flavored lip gloss on.

Just for ,you know,in case of accidental snogalations.

Hey,it could happen.

**4 Minutes Later,still puffing down the road**

Though I am sure no one will want to snog me.

I'm sure by the time I get there I'll have rednosity of the whole head .

**Jas'**

Jas is NOT answering her is she!

Maybe the back door is unlocked...

**1 minute later**

Nope

**5 minutes later,Jas' room**

Sitting on Jas' bed.

Found an open window and was going through it, and found I was in Jas' Olds .

And they were snogging without any PANTS on.

Double erlack.

I snuck out without them spotting me and asking me what I was doing...or to join in in OH MY GOD ERLACK NO NO NO.

I mean,I snuck out and erm,THAT'S IT .

Right, any ways,there was really no point of sneaking round,though-Jas was in her PJ's. And playing a game on the computer.

Really.

I burst in all red-faced.

She turned round and looked at me like I was a turnip (what Shut up brain) .

"Why are you so sweaty?"

"Well,you-"

"And look like a , shouldn't wear so much 's not good for your complexion. And why are you out of breath?You need to breath quieter. Mum and Dad are—"

"Yeah,playing Hide-the-Sausage,I know."

She opened her mouth to say something,then stopped.

"How do you know?"

"Oh, nothing,just crawled through their window as they reached number10. But,listen ,we've got bigger fish on 's going on with Dave?"

Jas looked at me.

"Who?"

"Dave!"

"Dave...hrmmm..."

Jas chewed her fringe.I resisted an urge to slap her.

Instead,I grabbed her by the shoulders

"Yes,DAVE! You know,blue eyes,broad shoulders,RIDES AN IMAGINARY CAMEL!"

She shook out of my reach and turned back round to the computer but I spun her round to face me

"WHAT'S GOING ON?"

Then I saw she was on video chat with Tom.

How patheticos.

Can't the Vole Twins spend one day with out talking to each other

"Can't the Vole Twins spend one day with out talking to each other?"

Jas glared at me "WHAT?"

Ooops..I didn't mean to say that aloud.

"Erm,I mean,it's sweet,you guys talk all the time..and...erm..."

On video Tom laughed. "You really know what to say,Gee."

"ShutUP Tom! It's things like that that make me GLAD you're leaving!"

I looked at Jas,then Tom (on the video,you fules).

"Leaving? When? Where is Tom going?"

Jas rolled her eyes "I'm surprised you care Gee,I mean it's not ALWAYS ALL about you."

"What do you mean it's not about me?"

"What I MEAN is it's ALWAYS Georgia,Georgia,Georgia,ALL the time!"

"It's not ALWAYS 's just bad things happen to me ALL the 's like living in bloody France. They 're always invaded .Or forced to eat snails."

"They LOVE eating snails it's a national bloody dish!"

'Hence them being invaded as back to what I was saying.."

Jas threw her hands up and stomped out,slamming the door behind her.

I looked at Tom

"It's not always about me...So,erm, what's going on with Dave?"

"Rollo just texted mum is a nurse in the intensive care,where Dave was and she was OD—"

OD?"

"On any rate,Rollo 's mum was on duty when Dave was taken in."

"How long ago was it? Is he OK?"

"Well../"

"What?"

"Emma was there with him."

"Oh,God."

I sat back in my seat..and fell over.I jumped up quickly and righted my skirt in case of any ad hoc knick-knack exposure.

"But—I mean-what?"

'Yeah Apparently she'd been taking him his homework and talking to him every day after classes."

"What a swot."

"Yeah. She talked to Rollo's mum for a while and...Gee,you may want to sit down."

I felt like the room was vair vair cold all of a sudden.I could barely breathe.

I sat.

"What happened?"

I could feel the tears pouring down my anything happened to him,I don't think I'd live...

I said a little prayer...Lord Sandra,Baby Jesus,Allah,Big G,whoever is up there,PLEASE let Dave be OK...

Jas came in,looked at Tom,then at me.

"You told her?"

Tom shook his head "Not yet."

" You KNEW? You're my best mate and you didn't TELL ME he –he-he's gone?"

"WHAT?" Tom yelped,then chuckled.

WHAT,what's going on?

Oh,bloody Hell,I think I am having a stroke.

"No,no not that Georgia,though when he finds out he'll wish he thing is,as he was being wheeled into surgery...the last thing he said..he said Emma's name."

Oh..GOD.


	19. The Black and Blue Cameelious Humps

**I do not own Gee, or the way she talks, OR Dave the Laugh (OH HOW I WISH!), Rennison does.**

**I ALSO do not own 'Cameelious Humps'…Lord Alfie Tennyson does, the lucky git !**

**Nor do I own the poem Kublai Khan …Samuel Taylor Coleridge does, though I did recite it for class, in a furry hat. Fun days! **

**ALSO ALSO I do not own the poem 'Daffodils'..it's one of my TIP-TOP favvy poems and my fav flowers IS daffodils..but no,sadly,I do not own this either…William Wordsworth does !**

**LAST TIME:**

_Gee, you may want to sit down."_

_I felt like the room was vair vair cold all of a sudden. I could barely breathe._

_I sat._

_"What happened?"_

_I could feel the tears pouring down my anything happened to him,I don't think I'd live..._

_I said a little prayer...Lord Sandra, Baby Jesus,Allah,Big G,whoever is up there, PLEASE let Dave be OK..._

_Jas came in, looked at Tom, then at me._

_"You told her?"_

_Tom shook his head "Not yet."_

_" You KNEW? You're my best mate and you didn't TELL ME he –he-he's gone?"_

_"WHAT?" Tom yelped, then chuckled._

_WHAT, what's going on?_

_Oh,bloody Hell, I think I am having a stroke._

_"No,no not that Georgia, though when he finds out he'll wish he thing is, as he was being wheeled into surgery...the last thing he said. He said Emma's name."_

_Oh..GOD._

**Sunday, January 23****rd**

Jas jumped up and helped me to her bed.

She shoved her owls out of the way and pulled a pillow under my head "Gee, are you OK?"

"Yes Jas now geroff you lezzy your breath smells like poo."

"Oh,no that's the eggplant. You know, you can slice eggplant thin, like cheese, and-"

"Yes,yes,Jas,I know,swot swot swot arse arse eggplant."

I sat up "What's going on? With Dave, I mean?"

"Well.."

She looked a bit shifty and fiddled her fringe. I resisted a vair,vair strong urge to slap her hand away.

"I have to go see him.

Jas looked up, horrified." You CAN'T!"

"Why, is Emma-stupid-Thompson still there?"

Jas said in a small voice "She hasn't left his side."

OH,GOD.

**2pm,bed,my room (obvs.)**

After a long talk and jammy dodgers Jas and I agreed it's best I just go home and wait for any news. I made her promise that if she heard ANYTHING she'd ring me first. She IS Radio Jas,after all.

**2:30 pm**

Oh I can't stand all this tensionosity!

I got out of bed and wandered downstairs. Mum and Dad were on the couch with Libs watching a movie "Oh,there you are. How're ya feeling?"

"Death."

"Well, why don't you sit with us? We're just starting the movie."

I was so filled with tragicnosity and general poo-osity that I did.

**2 hours later**

Remind me to NEVER watch children movies EVER again, especially one Libby picked out.

It was about Anastasia, you know, the Russian girl, only her best friend is an odd, mutant-bat named Bartok and the film has got Rasputin in it.

Yes, you heard me right…Rasputin. The well-known mad man-cum-nymphowhatsit.

The bright (ish) side is, it took my mind off things for a while and I forgot what I was trying to forget.

**2 Minutes Later**

I remembered.

I'm going to bed.

**9pm,Phone Rang**

Fell out of bed to get it.I think I've got bed sores from being in bed all day-my bum is all sore and tingly.

"HELLO HELLO?" then I realized I was shouting.

"Hello, yes?"

"Georgia, Georgia? It's Tom."

OH MY GOD.

"What's going on? Is he OK? Is he going to live? He's died hasn't he? OH GOD!"

Mum heard me yell and came round the corner "For Gods sake Gee we're trying to go to sleep SHUT UP."

"Gee take a deep breath. Or 5."

"OK"

"Gee, Dave IS OK,NO he is NOT dead. He made it through surgery just fine. Only there was ..complications."

I mashed the phone up against my ear. "Complications? Like what?"

"He had to have his appendix removed."

Oh,just that?

"Just that? That's no big deal, right?"

"Well, no now that it's gone. If it'd burst though…" he trailed off.

He was quiet for a bit. I thought he'd hung up on me but then he said "You-You and Jas are great mates, right?"

"Yes. I guess though she can be a bit of a teachers' bum-holey kisser. And a fringey twit. Yes."

"I know you'll take good care of her, like you do Dave"

"Well,erm,not exactly.I don't know what SHE has told you, but I'm not a lesbian."

Tom chuckled. "No, Gee. The thing is-," he took a deep breath "I'm moving to New Zealand."

**Midnight**

Tucked in bed.

Dave is alright,albeit a 'bit' sore but he'll be back to his cheeky self in a few weeks.

And Tom made me promise to watch over Jas like she doesn't do anything rash while he's away for a year.

I said "What, like buying smaller knickers? Shaving off her fringe?"

But I know what he means.

It is good I am such a great mate.

**20 Minutes Later**

Maybe I should remind her, next time she goes off in her Huffmobile,what a great mate I am?

**Monday, January 24****th**

**7:45 am**

Everyone late for everything.

I woke up with such a feeling of weight off my shoulders I actually had to check my basoomas were still there (they are, lurking like lumpty beacons to attract all the sad-sacks in the country to me).'Jas had already gone on by the time I got to her gate.

Fine.

I will just have to remind her what a great mate I am laters.

**Assembly**

Worst news of all kind…EVER.

Even worserer than the whole World War 2 thing.

Slim just announced that, instead of doing a play because the year is coming to a close, we're to be taking 'Classic Literature."

Oh,no,that's not the worstest part, no.

The worstest part is ,the first assignment is to pick a poem or short story to read to the Kindygarteners.

Oh,GOD.

The mad toddlery folk that are Libby's age.

And Libby.

Dear God.

I raised my hand 'Slim, you ARE going to insure us in the case of aggravated bodily injury aren't you?' and she got all red and shirty.

She obviously hasn't got a mad younger sister.

I am beginning to think no one has, actually.

**First Break**

Sitting on the knicker toasters.

Jas was going "Brrrrrrr,brrrr."

I said "Shut up brring,Jas,I've got news." and I told them about Dave going out of surgery and Emma being at his side the whole time.

Everyone was quiet.

Ellen said 'Don't you…like…I mean…he?"

I said "Yes,Ellen" and that seemed to satisfy her.

Rosie looked at me "I thought you hated him."

"I do."

Don't I? (shut up brain, that is your final warning).

I said 'I do. I am just saying, I feel bad for him, being in surgery, then the first thing he sees when he finally gets out is Emma's pathetic face owling about."

Ellen looked at me "Emma?"

"Yes, she's been taking him homework. And choccie a bum-holey kisser."

Ellen bit her lip but said nothing.

Rosie stood and brushed crumbs off her lap "Well, you know what we are going to have to do, don't you?"

"What?"

"Kill her"

In the end(ooer) we got her calmed enough to promise to not kill Emma,though I can't make any promises meself.

Something really weird,happened we were coming down the hall Emma came out of the loos looking all po-faced but when she saw me she smirked and walked off with her nose in the air.

But she looked like she'd been crying.

What fresh Bell?

**Classic Shi-erm,uhm,Lit.**

Having a laughing spaz to end all laughing spazzes.I found the perfect poem to read to the Toddler Volk (why I am speaking German I do not know).

At any rate, it goes:

'Kiddies and grown ups too-oo-oo

If we haven't enough to do-oo-oo,

We get the hump,

Cameelious hump,

The hump that is black and blue. '

I went to Rosie 'I've the perfect poem.'

She said 'Let's have a listen then" so I did.

Erm,read it to her, I mean.

At any rate, after I've finished she looked at me for a long, long time, till eventually I said "Wot?"

"You DO realise what you've picked, yes?'

"Yeah,it's a poem about having the hump."

"Cameelious ones.."

"What does that -OHhhh."

Rosie nodded slowly.

Oh,dear God.

Am I never going to be free of this painosity and miseroscosity? Which isn't easy to say, believe me, mate.

I started to say 'What am I going to do,Roro? " but then Jas came over all pink and stupid (what else is new?).

"Have you guys chosen then? I have."

I shoved my book back in the shelving. "No. Rosie's done."

Jas looked at Rosie.

**12 Seconds Later**

Still looking.

**20 Seconds More Later, STILL Looking.**

'Jas,I know I am gorgey but I am not going to snog you."

Jas went red. "NO you TWIT I was waiting for you to tell me what poem you've picked to read!"

Miss Wilson, today in an alarming shade of neon orange, went "Shhhh girls" from her desk, then went back to whatever she was doing on the computer. Probably looking at Lederhosen porn.

Herr Kamyer in only lederhosen and a big smile…

EW EW GET OUT OF MY HEAD EW EW EW.~~~~~~~

Rosie took a breath then started to recite :

In Xanadu did Kublai Khan,

A stately Pleasure-Dome decree,

Where Alph, the sacred river ran

Through caverns measureless to man .

Down to a sunless sea."...

She didn't get very far, though (ooer).

Jas rolled her eyes. "THAT? Oh,that's complete toss and you know ,the kids are 4 years old. They won't understand a bloody word you're saying."

Rosie rounded on her " I suppose you've chosen better, then?"

Jas smirked "Matter of fact I did:

'**I WANDER'D lonely as a cloud**

**That floats on high o'er vales and hills,**

**When all at once I saw a crowd,**

**A host, of golden daffodils;**

**Beside the lake, beneath the trees,Fluttering and dancing in the breeze."**

Rosie pretended to be sick. I had to shove a fist in my mouth to stop giggling aloud.

Jas spotted me though and went off in a huff. Rosie looked at me. "What's her problem?"

"Tom's leaving her for Kiwi a-go-go Land."

**Last Bell**

It's round the whole school, now Tom is leaving. I didn't mean to tell everyone it just... Slipped out.

So now Jas isn't talking to me.

Again..

Bloody Nora, at this rate I won't have any mates by the end of term.

**2 Minutes Later**

Which is just as well-I'm leaving for Ireland, home of the leprechaun and erm, green beer.

At the gates Tom-N-Jas had already gone. As probable ran on ahead. How KNOWS Tom is leaving so she is spending every last minute with him.

How sad, she KNOWS he's going and..

OH GOD.

Does Emma know something I don't? (shut up shut up).


	20. The Sex God GOD Has Landed

**THE SEX GOD GOD**

**I do not own Gee, or the way she talks, OR Dave the Laugh (OH HOW I WISH!), Rennison does.**

**I do not own the Madea movies though I Luuuurve them, ditto the movie Due Date…soooo funny, like an updated(ish) version of 'Planes Trains and Automobiles". And Robert Downey Jr is **_**tres**_** in the 80s movie 'Chances Are'-OMFG soooo cute! **

**LAST TIME:**

_**Last Bell**_

_It's round the whole school, now Tom is leaving. I didn't mean to tell everyone it just. Slipped out._

_So now Jas isn't talking to me._

_Again.._

_Bloody Nora, at this rate I won't have any mates by the end of term._

_**2 Minutes Later**_

_Which is just as well-I'm leaving for Ireland, home of the leprechaun and erm, green beer._

_At the gates Tom-N-Jas had already gone. Jas had probably ran on ahead. How KNOWS Tom is leaving so she is spending every last minute with him._

_How sad, ; she KNOWS he's going and….._

_OH GOD._

_Does Emma know something I don't? (shut up shut up)._

**The Sex God GOD.**

**Monday, January 24th**** (still)**

**3 Minutes Later, Walking Home**

I have GOT to do something to find out if Emma knows anything (hahah).

**3 Seconds Later**

About Dave the Laugh I mean.

**4 Seconds Later**

Not that I care or anything.

I am just wondering.

**15 Seconds Later**

Ermmmm…as a mate, I mean.

At any rate, I can't ask Jas to help. She's completely useless at being subtle. And besides, she's still not talking to me.

So my only option is the rest of the Ace Gang..Mabs,Ellen, Jools, and Rosie.

_Merde._

Talking bout the mad leading the mad.

**Home**

Ran home to call Rosie but when I got in Mum was on the phone and the house was in shambles. Literally.

There was sawdust EVERYWHERE and several cans of paint on the kitchen table.

Dad was on the living room floor, trying to pry up the carpet.

"What's going on? Did Angus poo under the carpet again?"

Mum said into the phone 'Yeah see you then,Ta" and rung off. "We're doing some re-decorating, Georgia."

"By yourself?"

I looked at Dad " Remember last time, Dad, you tried to do DIY? You fell through the roof."

"There was a weakness in the roof."

"Yes, it was you."

Dad swore quite violently.

Mum tutted "Oh,just ignore her, Bob" then she said to me "Of course we're not doing it by ourselves. We're not stupid you know."

I resisted a VERY STRONG urge to say "Yes, actually you are.' and said instead, 'Who's helping then?"

Just then Uncle Eddie came round the corner with a hammer. "I found the stud. And I'm right here!" and he started doing pelvic thrusting.

Oh,dear God.

**Bed**

In bed with a pillow over my head.

Mum and Dad have decided that since we are moving and selling the house, a few 'renovations' need to be done.

What's more, they've got Uncle Eddie to help with repairs because it's cheaper than hiring a proff. Licensed carpenter.

I said "Just wait till you get the hospital bill"

"What hospital bill, Georgia?" Mum frowned.

"The one from when Dad falls off the roof, and Uncle Eddie staples his thumb to the floor."

Uncle Eddie got spectacularly red "That happened ONE time and it was a MISTAKE."

I replied "Yes, well, so are you '" then ran to my room before Mum could shout at me. Or make me help.

**14 Minutes Later**

Fat bloody chance. Mum just called me down to 'be her little helper.' I'd like to help her alright…all the way to the loony bin.

**9 Minutes Later**

Mum actually got a camcorder and camera to document the renovations and I 'get to be' the 'camera person'.

Hurrah!

(not).

**7 Minutes Later**

So at least I'll get Dad falling through the roof and Uncle Eddie hitting his trouser snake addendum with a hammer on film.

Maybe I can send them into Funniest Videos and win 10,000 pounds.

**2 Minutes Later**

Though I'll have to send it in anonymously. Or change my name.

**1 Minute Later**

With my luck (or,rather,UN-luck) someone will recognize my dad and tell Radio Jas who will tell EVERYONE.

So that's out.

**Bed**

No one's called ALL night.

Which is just as well. I was too busy dodging falling nails…and Vatis to do much of anything else.

After Vati fell off the ladder the third time Mutti and Vati decided to called it quits. I was hoping he meant for ever but, no ,it was just for the night.

I wonder how Dave is doing?

**30 Minutes Later**

How can he stand Emma to be there? I mean she DID push him down the stairs. All I did was call him David.

**2 Minutes Later**

And dump him a lot between snogs.

**4 Minutes Later**

And use him as a Red Herring for Guitar Pluckers-who-shall-not-be-named (Robbie).

**15 Minutes Later**

I mean, it's not like I shoved him down stairs.

So I should be allowed to see him, right?

**12 Minutes Later **

But only in a matey-mate sort of way.

**20 Minutes Later**

Snuck down the hall to the phone. Mum and Vati and Uncle Eddie were on the couch watching some naff movies.

Mum invited me to stay up with the 'adults' (hahah) but when Uncle Eddie stripped down to his PANTS I politely declined .

**1 Minute Later**

Ok,fine,I ACTUALLY said "No way in Hell. I would rather lick Slim's bum-holey then be in the same room as Uncle Eggy in the rudey-dudeys." so Mutti grounded me to me room.

I snuck to the top of the stairs and looked down. M and V and Uncle Eddie (aka the Baldy-O-Gram ) were watching some Madea movie.

I rang Jas then remembered she wasn't talking to me so I slammed down the phone.

Who is there that is normal I can talk to?

**10 Minutes Later**

Can't think of anyone.

Rang Roro instead.

"Hello, Viking Luuuurve Headquarters!"

"Rosie" I whispered.

"Gee? Is that you? Why are you whispering? I can barely hear you.""Because Mutti invited me to watch movies with her and Vati."

"Why aren't you then?"

"Uncle Eddie is here with no trousers on."

"Ah,yes, what's going on _mon _pallie?"

"I just can't stop thinking about Emma."

"Not becoming a lesbian are we?"

For a moment I forget I was supposed to be whispering "NO!"

"I mean no." I whispered.

"Well then? What is the dealio?Or,if you were a pickle, you'd ask, what's the big dill?' and she did mad snorting laughing.

I hung up on her.

**10 Minutes Later, Phone Rang**

Typico, I am snuggly in my bed and the phone rings again.

I yelled "Mum the phone is ringing!" but she only shouted back "We're watching 'Due Date', get it will you love?"

Dragged myself down the hall.

"Lo?"

"Gee Gee I just wanted to say the Bird has left the building. I repeat, the bird has left the building."

I said 'What?" but she had already rang off.

**Bed**

What was that about?

**Tuesday, January 25****th**

Shattered this morning. Didn't fall asleep till 3am last night …this morning. Whatever.

Then up at the crack of dawn by the doorbell rang by a madman in a knitted balaclava.

"Hello Georgia, I've come to help your Dad with the grout!"

I said "Can't you get a crème for that?" in a light-hearted and amused way and Granddad laughed and ruffled my hair.

Erlack.

Washing My Hair

Granddad is going to spend the next 3 days here to help with renovations. And what's more I 'get to' share my room with him.

Oh dear Lord save me.

PLEASE.

**Assembly**

Nearly late to school .I tried to dry my hair before leaving so there would be no CoCo the Clown incident but then I was late leaving so I had bung in a bunch of hair gel then run the whole way.

Looked in my compact mirror.

Yep,my worse fears confirmed-I am Miss Mad.

**Assembly**

Rosie, Ellen, Jools, Mabs, and the ace gang were all there. I gave them our special Klingon salute. They looked at me like they had never seen me before. Had they forgotten all we had shared after so little time? I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Hawkeye. What fresh hell? She looked down her big beaky nose at me and hissed," Take this, make yourself presentable, and get back here as quickly as you can, you silly girl" I looked down and she had given me a comb. When I went into the loos I saw my hair had gone the shape of my pulled-down beret because of the superdooper hair gel. _Sacre bleu! _I feel like un nincompoop.

**Going to the loos **

Elvis had a footstool out and a mop, trying to wipe paint off a wall.

Hmmmm I thought he was retired by now? Surely he should be in his state of health, I.e. elderly and mad.

I snuck up behind him really quietly. 'When is your last day as Head perv-erm, Caretaker, Mr. Attwood?"

He yelled and dropped the mop "Now look at what you made me do! No respect for elders!Why,when I was a boy-"

"Yes, yes I know,beheadings,Spanish Inquisition, I know. Erm, Mr. Attwood, That seems to a be a drawing of you."

"Yes and it's disgusting."

"Frankly I feel sorry for the pig"

He went for his mop ,grabbing his back like it was hurting him. I patted him on the back

"Well I've things to do." I smiled really big, letting my nose run wild and free. "Have a good one, you hear?" and went on.

I could hear him swearing from the loos.

Teehee.

**Break**

In the canteen. We tried sneaking to the usual place (in the third-floor Science Lab) but Emma has been trailing us all day.

I went into the loo earlier and not a minute later she was there, washing her hands.

She looks like she's lost a bit of weight, too.

Oh, well.

Mabs says the Ace Gang is going to the movies tonight.

Do I want to go?

Good question.

Do I?

I don't even know what I want any more.

Rosie said "It'd take your mind off…things." She opened her eyes really widely and did darty eyes at Emma, sitting a table away.

I played stupid (shutup). "Are you ok? You look like you've a stick up your bum. All you need is an apple and you'd be like a suckling pig."

Jools said "That reminds me, did anyone else see the drawing of Elvis?" and she started laughing.

I said "I wonder who did that? I'd give them a badge of honor. Or at least hit them with a sword."

Ellen leaned in "I know who did."

I looked at her. We all did.

'I don't know how I'm going to report it, though."

'Why would you report it? It's brill!"

"Emma did it."

Rosie stood "I'll tell Slim now" but I grabbed her arm and pulled her down.

"Listen, we can't tell Slim without PROOF Emma did it or she'll blame it on me .You know she's got it in for me since day 1."

Rosie said "That is because she Luuuurve you."

I kicked out at her but she jumped out of the way 'And anyways, how can you be so sure it was Emma, El? "

"Well, I saw her."

"Then you tell her. You're -" Jools looked at Ellen ,at me then back to Ellen. "-well, let's just say that you're not Gee."

"But I can't! I'm HER mate!"

Wait, why are they saying that like it's a BAD thing?

"Why are you saying it like a bad thing? We don't HAVE to be friends, y'know."

"Ah, yes, guilty by association. Poo."

"Hello, is ANYONE listening to me?"

I waved my hands "Hellloooo?"

Jas cleared her throat. "If you care what I have to say- I know someone else that knows Emma did it."

I fell to my knees "She speaks! It's a miracle!"

I thought it was _tres amusant_ but Jas ignored it and went on "The only thing is..he's sort of in the hospital."

"DAVE knows?"

Emma looked my way just as the bell went. As everyone stood and shuffled round, I took the opportunity.

"Luigi's,Thursday, after school,5pm"

We did Klingon saluting all round.

**Thursday, January 26****th**

No meeting today-El called as I was getting ready. She said she had 'Big News' and sounded very excited.

But she has to do a 'few things, like…you know' with her fam so today's out.

It must be big if she couldn't tell me what it was over the phone.

**35 Minutes Later**

So now I 'get to' help the Elderly Mad.

**Bed**

Granddad and Uncle Eddie's gone home.

Mutti has finally decided to hire a re-decorator to do the repairs.

First, Dad slammed his fingers in the window about a jillion times trying to apply weathering stripping stuff.

So Dad had Granddad do that instead, and went to help Uncle Eddie put the wood plate thing along the top of the wall, but they both measured differently and it was a bout a foot apart so they had to rip it all off.

Next Uncle Eddie and Dad TRIED (key word TRIED) to replace faceplate erm,faces.

Needless to say,Vati no longer has a badger on his chin. It's Hell to get the smell of burnt hair out of the house, though.

**Friday, January 28th**

**Last Bell**

Running home.

Only enough time to change, throw makeup on then turn round and go back, pant pant.

Good thing my hair is at least under control(ish) today.

Was going to have the meeting yesterday but then Ellen rang last night saying she's got 'big news' whatever that means. And then we couldn't ask her about it at school today because she wasn't there.

Neither was Emma, actually.

Probably saw her face in the mirror and decided to commit suicide (I wish).

OHhhh all this tensionosity is making me mad. I may pull a Britney and start shaving my head and going clubbing at all hours.

**1 Minute Later**

I WOULD wear knickers though, or 'panties; as the Hamburgese call them.

I don't know why, when they are quite clearly knickers.

But that is the Americans for you.

**Home**

Bugger,bugger,only an hour and a half to get ready.

I am thinking of my usual black with a hint of black.

To mark how full of depressionosity and general poo-osity I am.

**4pm**

Ready with only minutes to spare.

Decided to go with black capris, black boob tube, silver jangly bracelets, gold heels, and a long grey duster, then a messy bun at the nape of my neck and ivory nail polish with a hint of shimmer, and casual makeup-foundation, bronzer, eyeliner, light brown eye shadow for a smoky effect, mascara, nude lippy and clear sparkly lip-gloss.

Casualnosity with a hint of sophesticatosity.

Which is very hard to say.

**Luigi's**

Town looks gorgey .

I feel like I've not been out in days, and everything looks bright and gay.

**10 Seconds Later**

Errr..no not gay as in 'Oh GET you!" but gay as in happy and bright and cheerful.

When I went in everyone was already there ,And I mean everyone-the Ace Gang, plus Sven, Rollo, Tom, Dec, Dame and Robbie.

Wait, WHAT ? ROBBIE?

Oh my giddy Gods trousers.

He may be an ex-snoggee and a dumper and quite literally yesterday's news but he is, it has to be said , quite literally gorgey.

And YUM.

**10 Seconds Later**

Even though he IS marrying a weed.

**25 Seconds Later**

Thank God I decided to put makeup on.

They were all talking and laughing but when Rosie saw me she stood and waved "Helloooooooooooo Georgia you gorgeous thing!"

Everyone turned and looked at me.

Oh,GOD.

Here go the lesbian rumors at school again.

I walked over as casually as I could "So what's the big news?"

Robbie pulled out a chair for me and patted it.

I looked round. Everyone was smiling .Even Jas.

It was a bit scary, like I was in one of those old crap shows from the 50s where everyone smiles and eats a lot of butter and no one snogs.

Creeeepy.

I sat. "So, what's the goss?"

Jas grinned so big I thought her face was going to split in two. It was very alarming.

"Do you want a cappu?"

'Well, I-"

Jas waved and nodded at someone behind me then said "So, about Dave."

OH GOD.

'Listen Jas,I don't even want to think about that. I have enough going on as it is. Mutti and Vati have decided to redecorate the house so of course everything is in shambles. Grand dad fell into the concrete pit and Vati had to hose him down. In the back yard. I am never going to get that image out of my head as hard as I try. I think I am just going to give up on boys and focus on my studies."

Rosie choked on her drink "Yeah and pigs fly out my bum."

I looked round at Ellen 'Oh, yeah,so what did you find about Emma's drawing?"

"Well, she like..uhm..told…and….like…"

'She was expelled." Jas blurted.

Typical Radio Jas.

Robbie leaned back and crossed his arms "Pig drawing?"

I crossed my eyes at him "Don't ask."

Rollo looked at me" About time Mate"

I was about to say 'What are you talking about?" then I saw he was looking past my shoulder.

I turned round and there was Dave.

In all black.

Shining like a vision in,erm,black.

Like a black light house.

Or a shiny bit of coal .

Only not lumpy and old.

Shut up brain.

OH MY GIDDY GODS.

The Sex God GOD has landed !


	21. I AM A BIG GIRL NOWTELL ME I AM

**I AM A BIG GIRL NOW;TELL ME I AM BEAUTIFUL OR I'LL JUST CRY**

**I do not own Gee, or the way she talks, OR Dave the Laugh (OH HOW I WISH!), etc. Louise Rennison does.**

**I AM A BIG GIRL NOW;TELL ME I AM BEAUTIFUL OR I'LL JUST CRY**

LAST TIME:

_I looked round at Ellen 'Oh, yeah,so what did you find about Emma's drawing?"_

"_Well, she like..uhm..told…and….like…"_

'_She was expelled." Jas blurted._

_Typical Radio Jas._

_Robbie leaned back and crossed his arms "Pig drawing?"_

_I crossed my eyes at him "Don't ask."_

_Rollo looked at me" About time Mate"_

_I was about to say 'What are you talking about?" then I saw he was looking past my shoulder._

_I turned round and there was Dave._

_In all black. _

_Shining like a vision in,erm,black._

_Like a black light house._

_Or a shiny bit of coal only not lumpy and old._

_Shut up brain._

_OH MY GIDDY GODS._

_THE SEX God GOD HAS LANDED._

**I AM A BIG GIRL NOW;TELL ME I AM BEAUTIFUL OR I'LL JUST CRY**

I realized it had been a bout a million years since I said anything.

I jumped up and before I could stop my self, I hugged him.

Then I realized what I was doing and jumped back. I'm sure I had redness of the whole head.

"How are you? When did you get released? I mean, If I'd known-"

Oh dear God I am rambling. When did Dave give me stupid brain?

"I'm sorry, I mean, I didn't-"

Dave waved his hands, but didn't say anything..

What?

He raised one finger and nodded slowly.

I raised an eyebrow.

So did he. I raised my other eyebrow.

So did he.

I did a little dance and so did he.

I couldn't help but laugh.

He's such a…laugh.

And when did he get gorgey?

Cooor.

His hair looks longer, and I think curlier.

Yum Yum.

With his finger still up, he reached into his jeans with his other hand and pulled out (OOER shut up brain) a pencil and pad of paper and started writing.

Hmmmm.

**20 Seconds Later**

He's still writing.

**2 Minutes Later**

He is STILL writing. What in the name of Slim's ginormous PANTS could he be writing? His autobiography? A play?

**10 Seconds Later**

FINALLY he's done.

He ripped the top paper off and handed it to me.

'Hi"

What?

I turned the paper over.

Nothing.

I looked at him and he was grinning.

I hit him in the shoulder playfully and she shoved me back.

'You're mad'

He took the paper and wrote "No, YOU'RE mad"

'No, YOU'RE mad!"

He scribbled something.

"I am NOT!"

He grinned and mouthed 'Oh Yes'

I tried to hit him again but he dodged me out of the way and grabbed me to him, holding my arms down across my chest…No easy feat; I think my nunga-nungas have grown again. They've been feeling quite heavy, lately .

Behind me Jas and everyone else went "Ahhhh"

I forgot they were there .Oh Hell's Bells.

I looked round and they were all grinning like fules.

I jumped out of Dave's arms.

Shut up shut UP smiling.

I looked at them "Shut up" and put my coat on.

Dave frowned and wrote something

"Where am I going? We're having an early supper."

Dave wrote another note.

I read it and smiled "Sure."

He grinned at everyone else, WINKED at Robbie and grabbed his coat and followed me out, leaving everyone agog behind us.

"Hahah, did you SEE their faces? They didn't know what to say! Oh,er,sorry."

Dave winked and held out his hand.

What does he want me to do?

Shake it?

Dave rolled his eyes and stomped.

"Did you just stamp your foot? I thought only girls did it on TV."

He crossed his eyes and stuck his tongue out at me.

**My Gate**

I took as small steps as I could but it seems like we flew to my house.

We didn't really talk. If I had,I'd just be talking to myself.

We stopped at the gate but he held onto my hand still.

What now?

Does he want to be girlfriend and boyfriend?

I don't think I could take it.

And I don't mean just emotionally.

'Look, Dave."

He looked up.

Huh?

**5 Seconds Later**

OH I GET IT.

I said 'Look, Dave' and he's looking.

What a loon.

'I mean, li-uh, Dave, do you mind coming in for cocoa?"

He shrugged.

'OK but I just want to apologize in advance."

He wrote something and hand it to me.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, I know you've met my family before it's just, well, Uncle Eddie AND Granddad are here, too so it's a bit more mad than usual."

At his look I said "Yes, sadly that IS possible."

He wrote 'Are they at least going to keep their trousers on?"

"Wellll…"

**2 Minutes Later**

Amazingly enough Dave still wanted to come in.

**4 Minutes Later **

I went in first and peeked round the corner.

Mum, Vati and Jem the re-decorator were on the couch drinking white wine. No sign of the Mad Ones.

And Uncle Eddie's bike isn't in the driveway. They must have left, thank GOD.

I waved Dave in and we did sneaky-sneaky up the stairs, down the hall, to my room. I went to open the door but Dave stopped me.

He took my hand and turned me to face him.

I thought "Oh, hello, he wants to snog." and felt myself puckering up.

Dave looked a bit confused and shook his head.

Oops.

And damn.

How come I make a loon and fool out of myself in front of boys?

I mean, really.

Robbie, Masimo, and now even Dave the Laugh.

He lead me up to my door then stopped and pressed his ear to the door, listened a bit then he looked round to me and did pantomime ballet dancing then growled.

Libby must be in there.

He took my hand and we went across the hall into Lib's room.

Dave led me to the bed, being careful not to step in the suspicious brown lumps on the carpet.

He sat down on it (the bed I mean not the mystery lumps) then looked up at me.

Oh dear God.

I fell all nervous, like I am going to be sick and poo myself all at the same time.

'Would you like some coca?"

Before he could answer I ran down stairs.

**In The Kitchen**

Why oh Why am I having a nervy b?

It's just Dave.

You know…a Laugh…the one who put a 'For Sale sign on his school.

**2 Minutes Later**

And told me he loved me wearing a red clown's nose.

OH DEAR GOD

I think I am having a stroke.

**1 Minute Later**

Mum came through "Are you OK? You look a bit peaky."

I thought "Wow, she actually cares for ME for once" but then she went on "Jem is so much fun, I forgot what it was like, being with him."

At my look she tutted "He's gay, Gee."

"Still?"

"Yes Gee, still. It doesn't change over a few Summers."

"And you left him alone with Dad?"

"Dad can hold his own. Trust me, he's had LOTS of experience."

ERLACK. That is NOT a mental image anyone in their right mind would want.

**4 Seconds Later**

Hence the appeal to Mum…

Mum got out a bottle of wine and took out the corkscrew. "By the way, Gee, who was that yummy boy you brought in earlier? He's quite literally gorgeous."

I froze like a deer in headlights.

"No one, you must be imaging things. Erm, listen, Mum do you mind if I spend the weekend with Jas?"

"No, Love, go ahead, as long as your back in time Sunday for first wedding run-throughs."

"I thought Granddad and Maisie called it off after he got caught snogging his orderly?"

"That wasn't the only thing they were doing" and she went out.

OH MY GOD.

**My Room**

Brought the cocoa and some chocolates to Dave on a tray. When I went in he was looking at a picture of me and Libby in rabbit costumes on Easter, when she was one and couldn't talk yet.

Oh, how I miss those days.

Dave saw me and smiled and put the picture down .

I smiled back 'Cocoa and choccie?"

He took the tray and followed me to Libby's bed.

I sat down and he handed me my cocoa, then took his and sat next to me with the tray in his lap.

"So."

My elbowed bumped his and it was like an electric shock.

What is going on with me?

I must be pre-menstrual or something.

He took a sip of cocoa, looking at me over the rim.

'So.."

He raised an eyebrow, then set down his cup and took out his pad of paper.

**2 Minutes Later**

He wrote for about a minute, then crossed it off and now he's writing again.

I swear if it says something like 'Hi' or 'fancy a snog?" I don't know what I am going to do.

**3 Seconds Later**

I'll probably attack him.

**4 Seconds Later**

NO NO bad brain NO.

I have erm…wait, no, I don't have anyone .

Poo.

How sad.

Lindsay is getting married to The Original Sex God and I haven't got a Sex God.

Or even a Tosser McThompson.

I was thinking about this and didn't notice Dave was done with his note till he chucked it into my face. And it splashed into my cocoa.

I leapt up but it was too late-I have hot chocolate all down my front.

I look like I've had a poo explosion.

JUST BLOODY GREAT.

Dave was crying he was trying not to laugh,so hard.

I could kill him I could kill him, I could…BLOODY HELL I NEED TO CHANGE BEFORE THE STAIN SETS!

"I need to go change, back in a flash"

Dave made a move to follow me (!) but at my Look he grinned and sat back down.

**My Room**

Dithering about my closet like _le _fule.

Tore off my wet shirt and threw it on the floor and Angus instantly attacked it.

Now it's going to be covered in chocolate and cat hair. Lovely.

**10 Seconds Later**

But I've got bigger fish on the foot-What in the name of PANTS am I going to wear?

Dave's back and I sort of kind of (ok REALLY REALLY QUITE BADLY) want to patch things back up with him, just as matey-type mates.

But what do I wear? I want to exude sophisticosity and graciosity, in a matey-way.

**5 Minutes Later**

I tell you one thing for free, I do NOT want to disturb his horn (ooer) !

I have rode the way of Dave the Tart and it has left me with scars and a sore bum .

**20 Seconds Later**

Oo-er.

**15 Minutes Later**

I have decided on black tight leather jeans, a black cinch belt, a silvery necklace, and a white flow-y blouse, like that one girl wears on the Pirates of the Caribbean, with my hair in loose waves and only casual makeup-foundation, bronzer, base, dusky eye shadow, mascara, red lippy and no lip-gloss (don't want to risk any full frontal action Ooooer).

Now, next problem - Mum said I could stay the night with Jas so I might as well throw weekend wear in my rucky, too.

**4 Minutes Later**

Hmmm,where ARE all my jeans?

**1Minutes Later**

Come to think of it, I can't find barely any of my clothes.

Yelled down the stairs to Mum "Mum where are all my clean clothes?"

She shouted back "They're dirty-the washer is broken. Now stop shouting we're watching a movie."

Good Lord.

**My Room **

Threw a few things on the bed-A long silvery shimmer dress just in case of any gigs, a sexy black off-the-shoulder sweater paired with black leggings and a short black skirt, A black button-up shirt for sleeping, and a white shirt and blue jeans and Mum's best black leather jacket. And oh, yeah, a clutch to match each outfit.

Plus I also bunged in a few random things-shirts, trousers and so on.

I should hope that will last me two days.

**20 Seconds Later**

It's been a bit quiet..where's Libby gone to?

Probably in her room, with -OH MY GOD..DAVE!

**45 Seconds Later**

Burst into Libby's room

"Oh my gosh Dave I am so sorry-" then stopped.

Dave was sitting on the floor LETTING Libby put makeup on him.

Hmmm he looks quite good in eyeliner..

Dave threw me a note "I am a big girl now. Am I beautiful ? Tell me I am or I'll just CRY."

Oh dear God.

**15 Minutes Later**

Stopped laughing enough to tell Libby Mum was calling her, then dragged Dave to my room and barricaded my door first chance.

I turned round and he was sitting on my bed,all smiley.

He handed me a note "You look sexy, HOT date?

PS You never told me I look beautiful."

I looked at him and crossed my eyes and he laughed then winced.

I sat on bed next to him "Erm,now what."

Dave looked round and shrugged.

He saw the bag and pointed to it .

"My overnight bag. Mum said I could go to Jas'."

Dave handed me a note.

" Yes but that is where you are wrong,SexKitty;YOU are coming home with ME."

I looked at him 'And what makes you think I am mad enough to do that?"

Just then there was a knock at the door 'Georgieee,Ginger,Mummie wants you."

'Go away Libs."

'No! You stoled my boyfwend you dirty tosser twat!"

Good Lord,where does she learn these things?

Then Mum knocked on the door "Georgia, are you in there?"

"No."

" Libby says you have a boy with you."

Oh Dear God.

"No Mum it's erm,Jas, she has cut her fringe herself so now she looks like Henry the 8th."

Mum tutted 'Why can't you girls leave yourselves alone? Well,come Eddie wants to take us to his show and I want to meet this new fancy boy of yours. Maybe he'll want to come along with to your uncle's gig.

I looked at Dave.

He frowned then scribbled a note.

"OUT THE WINDOW THEN?"

"'NO,no ,no way."

But he had it opened already and had one leg over.

I ran over to him "Dave, NO ! You've only just got out of surgery!"

He leaned out,swung his leg over and jumped into the tree near the house. Oh Lordy.

"NO 're ,you're beyond mad, you are..are.."

He leaned over and held out his hand "Do you trust me?"

My head shot up .

He looked at me a LONG time,like he was looking deep into my soul.

I felt like I was melting.

"Do you trust me?" he whispered again.

I felt all swooshy inside and melty.

Do I trust him?

Hmmm…good question.

Do I?

Yes, yes very good question indeed.

Only the REAL question is, do I ?

Hrmmm….

Somehow, as if through a fog, I heard myself say 'Yes.'.

Damn.

I handed him my bag and he threw it out the window,then he took my hand.

He squeezed it slightly,then he swung me to the tree.

**On the Street**

I forgot how much fun I have with him.

Why did I even dump him?

He's sooo gorgey. Everything about him is perfect,his long eyelashes,his smile..

Dave raised an eyebrow and I realized I was staring.

Bugger.

I pushed him on the arm. 'So,where now Hornmeister?"

When I called him that his face broke into a HUGE grin.

He wrote a quick note-"Jas'..

"But-"

He rolled his eyes and wrote something else.

"Yes I KNOW I told Mum I was going there but it was a lie,keep up Dave."

He grabbed the note from me. How rude!

**15 Seconds Later**

Oh,he's replying.

**1 Minute Later**

He handed it back

"You really are a twit aren't you? You told your M that you are going to Jas'-you have to TELL Jas you told her that so when you're M calls to check up on you - you won't get in trouble for being somewhere else."

'Oh, that's brill!" I hugged him then I realized what I was doing and jumped away like a herring in a skirt. How attractive (not).

I looked at Dave "Where to now?'

He grinned and wrote me something : 'My house.'

Oh my giddy God's PANTaloons.

**Outside Jas'**

Throwing rocks at Jas' window.

Well, I am. The first one Dave threw cracked it. So he has decided to sit and watch me is really making me time I throw he writes a number on a piece of paper and holds it up like the Olympics.

**15 Seconds Later**

More like the Twit Olympics.

**2 Minutes Later**

Dave held up a 4 .

I stuck my tongue out at him and threw the next pebble.

"Ow bloody ow!"

"Sorry Jas! Didn't see you there!"

Her fringe was standing on end like she'd put her finger on an electric socket and she was rubbing her forehead where the rock hit her.

Teehee

"What are you doing? Why aren't you with Dave?"

"Jas you are soooo suspicious and fringey this early in the morning."

"It's 8pm! I was curling my fringe and then I was going to bed!"

"Well, let me in ! I've got a HUGE favor to ask you."

She went 'Oh,GOD" but let us in anyways.

**4 Seconds Later**

Well I say 'us' but I really mean she let ME in and Dave snuck in behind me humming the Pink Panther theme.

Why?

I'll never understand boys.

**Jas' Room**

Jas has gone to get us coffee and a plaster for her head.

She is so moody.

While she was gone I opened the door and let Dave through.

I still don't know why he wants to be all sneaky-sneaky.

**2 Minutes Later**

Bloody Hell Jas is organized.

Almost to the brink of madnosity; she has all her Cd's arranged alphabetically.

**4 Minutes Later, Jas' Closet**

Blimey, she even has her clothes set out in order for the next fortnight.I'll bet…

**4 Seconds Later**

Yup,she even has her knickers arranged for each outfit and she has them labeled.

I said "Hey Dave,look she is so sad she even labels her knickers for each day of the week."

Dave came over and handed me Jas' diary.

I went to put it down but he took it from me and pointed to an entry.

Dave started moving her knickers around out of order, hee hee hee.

While Dave was busy doing that I went and sat on her bed, shoving off a bunch of owls, first.

'Dear Diary-Georgia is still seeing that boy. They have loads in bad she is too selfish to see it."

Huh how rude.

Dave looked over and held up 10 fingers,twice.

I flipped 20 pages.

"She dumped Dave."

Huh.

Dave held up 10,then again, and again,then again.

I moved 40 pages

Oh dear God it was the Camping Fiasco.

"Gee and Dave went off on a walk.I hope Dave finally tells Georgia he loves is driving me mad, asking about her all are meant to be,like Hunky and I."

I closed it and looked at Dave who was looking at me.

Crikey.

I stood up and came over to him.I felt like I had a lump in my throat.

'Dave, for that long?"

He took my hand and pulled me to him-and then Jas came in.

I leaped up from him like a leaping Herring on leaping pills.

Dave ran and hid again in the closet.

Why?

"Hi best matey."

"What do you want Georgia? Tom and I are going for a walkabout and I've to pack."

"It's about Dave."

"Yes well that's a first. Where did you two get up to anyways?"I went to the loo,hahah,make her suffer.

**12 Minutes Later**

When I came out she was actually labeling her socks with her name and address.

How patheticos.

"Why are you doing that? In case your feet go off on their own,and get lost? Are you going to attach a little map and compass too? They may need snacksies,if they are going to go off on their own you know."

"THEY'RE BLOODY SOCKS, GEORGIA."

"My my aren't we a bit touchy?"That set her sat on the bed and cried and cried for a bout 30 minutes. I sat with her untill she started sobbing and snuffling on my shoulder.I jumped up and went to the loo for I came back she was mooning over a picture.

'I'm sorry, It's just -he's leaving in 2 he'll be gone for a whole you believe it?"

"Well, yes, actually. That is what Robbie did."

She looked up at nose was all pink and her eyes were puffy and red. She looked like an owl with vair bad allergies.

"What does Robbie has to do with anything?"

I told her about Robbie saying we had to 'talk' and she went agog.

After a moment she finally said "How do you feel about him then, over Dave?"

The doorbell rang then, thank GOD.

Jas' mum called up the stairs 'Georgia,love,it's for you, that nice Jennings boy."

Oh GOD.

Robbie.

AKA the Original Sex God

AKA The Guitar Plucker

AKA …WHY AM I JUST STANDING HERE? PUT ON SOME MAKEUP YOU FULE !

**5 Minutes Later**

Had to promise Jas loads of cheezy whatsits before she'd let me use her makeup.

"Why is Robbie coming to see ME?"

"I don't know.":

"I just saw him today!"

"I know, I was there."

"Then why would he want to see me now?"

"I don't know."

Mid-mascara I looked at Jas "If you say 'I don't know' one more time I will have to stab you to death with my mascara brush."

**8 Minutes Later**

Done, and in record time.

I was sooo nervous going out, but not too nervous to see Dave poke his head out and looked at me.

I shrugged.

Who knows.

**15 Seconds Later**

I don't even know and it's happening to me.

**5 Minutes Later**

Nearly fell down the stairs.

I think I broke my wrist pulling the door open.

It was dark out but I could see Robbie standing there,at the gate,in the lamp light in all of his Sex Goddiness.

Lord,I forgot how jelloid he makes me; I nearly fell tit-over-arse down the steps.

But he smiled and hugged me "Georgia."

"Robbie."

Why am I talking like some posh maid-type person?

He didn't seem to mind,though.

"Georgia, there is something I really need to tell you."

'Do you want to go for coffee then?"

He said sort of regretfully "No, Lindsay is waiting for me at home. She's leaving for her Grandparents for a few weeks-they're very sick."

'We could wait till after then? So Lindsay doesn't, you know, kill me or anything. That may put a damper on things, Ireland-wise."

He sighed and shuffled his feet. "I know, but I don't think it can wait."

He sat down on the garden wall .I went and sat next to a long time he didn't say anything,and just looked up at the stars.

I resisted a vair strong urge to say "Twinkle Twinkle Little PANTS."

"When I went to New Zealand,I could never stop thinking about you."

I thought 'Did you now?Because you left me for a YEAR for the Maoris.'

But I didn't say that,I said "Uhmmmm."

In my (OK,fine,Mum's) book _How To Make Any Twit Fall In Love With You" _it says boys like girls to do that sort of must have worked because Robbie took my chin in my hand and turned my face to him and leaned in.

I thought "Oh, no, is he going to snog me?"

I felt myself involuntarily pucker up.

BLAM

I jumped about a foot and fell over the wall,exposing my knickers to the world.

By the time I got myself righted I saw Dave heading down the street.

Robbie looked at me "Was Dave with you?"

"Welll.."

Jas came running out "Why was Dave the Laugh in my closet?"

"Well,I -"

Robbie looked at me a long time "I better go."

"No,you don't have to 'll be OK."

"He's my mate , he loves you,Georgia,very much."

"Then why would he act like such a prat?"Robbie got on into his cool black car (!) and started it "I'll ring you.S'laters." and pulled off.

I looked at Jas but Fringey just looked at me back.

"What? It's your fix it."

"But how?"

Jas started to go off "For one thing,you snogged Dave just to make Robbie jealous,then when you got back with Robbie, you snogged him again. Dave,I mean, not Robbie-"

"Yes yes I know THAT! What I mean is what in the name of arse do I do? Why would Robbie do this to me?"

Jas shrugged "I don't know" and went back into fix her fringe.

Remind myself to kill her,later.

**Walking Home**

Cutting through the park because it's shorter.

Why did Robbie show up out of the blue like that?

And what could he possible have to say to me?

That he missed me?

Well, who could blame him? I am pretty fab.

Oooh,there I go, sounding like Dave the Laugh. Get out of my head, you are an EX-Snoggee !

Really, what could he have to say?

That he is marrying a forehead less octopus?

Because I already knew THAT.

I was passing through the swings when I heard a weird sort of sound, like a sniffly mad sound, like when Libby has gotten flu and she's all sad and sickly and (slightly) less mad.

Freaky.

It was making me a bit freaked out but then Dave stepped out from behind a stayed in the shadows so I couldn't see his face,not really.

"What took you so long?"

"Well,I -Jas and her fringe,and Robbie-"

"Ah"

"Ah what?"

"You never stop, do you?"

"What? Where are you?"

He came a bit out of the shadows more.I could see his eyes, now- they were all red and poofy like he'd been stung.

Or crying.

But surely…

"Dave, we need to stop this. I don't-I mean,I don't think I ..you know…"

Dave crossed his arms "What Georgia?"

I knew I was in trubbs now-he NEVER calls me Georgia.

"Why can't we just be mates, you know,have a laugh,like old times?"

"Is that really what you want?"

I threw up my hands and sat on a swing "I don't know what I want anymore."

I looked down at the ground but I could sort of sense Dave come up and sit on a swing next to me.

"The problem is I know what I want but I also know that I'll never get it and I have to accept the fact."

I looked at him "What are you going to do then?"

He shrugged "I got accepted to 's a uni in Hamb-erm,America."

'Oh well that's great,Dave!"

He shrugged 'I guess."

"That's a top school,innit?Jas tells me all the time about useless stuff about the other day she was naming the top universitys of Germany and I had to literally stuff my dirty Sports sock in her big gob to shut her even then she kept going."

Dave sort of half-smiled,sadly. "She does get carried away,doesn't she?"

"She should be."

That made Dave laugh.

He looked at me a long time then stood up with his hands in his pockets.

"Georgia, I have to tell you this, I don't think you know what you are getting yourself into, with Robbie?"

"Robbie?"

"Yes,your 'Sex God'" he did the little air quotes

Why?

"Georgia, I think we should just,end it."

"We did, remember you chose Emma ?"

"Yes then she pushed me down the stairs."

I raised my eyebrow.

"We -we're back together."

I felt a great big lurch,like I'd been kicked in the stomach or something.

"You are?Even after she-like-What?"

Oh,great I was turning into Ellen.

"You're not turning into Ellen are you? I thought it unfair,the way I was treating her, so we're starting new, pretending it didn't happen..WE didn't happen."

" She doesn't know you're talking to me,does she?"

Dave chewed his lip.

"And that's why you've been hiding in the shadows?"

'Well-"

"I see."

I felt all pooy and full of _ordure_.

"She's good to bakes."

"That's not normal."

Dave smiled "I know you joke but it really maybe you'll find someone good for you."

"Yes,well,I-I've to to go" and I turned and ran off.

**4 Minutes Later**

Running mindlessly.I don't even see where I am going.

I feel like I could run and run and run and never stop.

What is going on?

Masimo is gone,Robbie is marrying Wet Lindsay and Dave has chosen someone who bakes,AND does her homework,on time at that?

Is thew world coming to an end or something?

Did I do something really really bad in a past life?

And if so,why am I being punished for it NOW?

I was full of monstrosity I didn't notice where I was till Robbie said "Georgia?"

I looked up.I was at Robbies' Olds house.

He was laying on the wall looking at the trying to remember why he agreed to marry Wet Lindsay.

Lord knows.

(hmmm maybe not).

"What are you doing here?"

I went and sat next to him "Oh,I don't know" and I started crying and next thing I know it ALL came out-Dave, the airplane,Masimo,Emma,Sex Gods ,Cosmic Horn,EVERYTHING.

Robbie was quite nice about it and sat with his arm round my waist as I wiped drool and probably *not* bogeys all over his leather jacket.

He was quiet all the way through until the end.

He wrapped his arms around me and held me.I felt all safe and cozy,like I could curl up and sleep and safe there forever.

What does that mean? Does that mean we are meant to be-or something?

Robbie said over my head "That is a lot for anyone to stand,especially you."

"You don't have to tell me,mate."

"I can understand why you are so one can stay in their right mad, going through all that."

I was going to say 'Fanks, erm, I think." but then he went on in his slow, rumbly Sex-Goddy way :

"Like my Lindsay marrying see, she's prgnant."

I froze .OH my dear God.

"She-she's it's not what you think,I mean,yes I am the father. But I don't love her,not really."

He leaned back and lifted my chin up so we were eye to eye.

"It's always been you I wanted." and then he snogged me.


	22. Ode To Sven's Furry Bum

**ODE TO SVEN'S FURRY BUM**

**Last chapter:**

_"What are you doing here?"_

_I went and sat next to him "Oh, I don't know" and I started crying and next thing I know it ALL came out-Dave, the airplane, Masimo, Emma, Sex Gods ,Cosmic Horn, EVERYTHING._

_Robbie was quite nice about it, though, and sat with his arm round my waist as I wiped drool and probably *not* bogeys all over his leather jacket._

_He was quiet all the way through until the end._

_He wrapped his arms around me and held me. I felt all safe and cozy, like I could curl up and sleep and safe there forever._

_What does that mean? Does that mean we are meant to be-or something?_

_Robbie said over my head "That is a lot for anyone to stand, especially you."_

_"You don't have to tell me, mate."_

_"I can understand why you are so one can stay in their right mad, going through all that."_

_I was going to say 'Fanks, erm, I think." but then he went on in his slow, rumbly Sex-Goddy way :_

_"Like my marrying Lindsay ,you see, she's pregnant."_

_I froze .OH my dear God._

_"She-she's it's not what you think, I mean, yes I am the father. But I don't love her, not really."_

_He leaned back and lifted my chin up so we were eye to eye._

_"It's always been you I wanted." and then he snogged me._

Hi hi hi tis me, your beluuuuuurved (in a VERY non-lesbiany way) writer Lauraaaaaaaaaaaaa coming at you from my sad room in Old Farts-agogo (aka Branson, Missouri, AKA Misery) !

It took me a LOT to write this chapter. Literally. While writing this (not all in one go, but you get my gist Ooer) I've gone through 2 boxes of vanilla wafers, about 2000000 cups of coffee, a bout of insomnia (probably because of the coffee, hahahah), a 5-pound bag of M&Ms (yes you read that right….), a jar of pink lemonade mix (erm…mixed…not you know powdery, Erlack, though my littlest bro sniffs it for some reason…he IS 13 1/2 after all !), a can of Star Bucks Vanilla Espresso Shot ,a can of Mocha Starbucks Espresso Shot, a watermelon (yes, I ate a WHOLE watermelon to myself), 3 heads of lettuce, 10 Kit Kat bars, 4 mint 3 Musketeers, a bag of mini sourdough pretzels, and about 239586r86586845845843854 cups of ESPRESSO !I Luuuurve !

Oh my I have lost the plot.

Where was I? Oh yes I have decided to be MYSELF-and scarily enough it's a cross between Sven and Dave the Laugh, with bits of Rosie and Georgia (oooer!) thrown into the mix ! I know guys don't like girls for funnyness,etc. and it drives everyone NUTS but, you know, so what? If they don't like Me, SCREW 'EM!

(ooer not literally you naughty minxes!).

But what was I saying?

Oh yeah,this chapter was so hard to write!

I wanted to get Dave and Gee together sooooooooooooooo bad but I couldn't because…well, you will see (and you probably hate me for it) in the next couple of chapters.

Oh and I know it says '2 chapters left' or w/e in the description line for FF but I got a brillopads idea so it'll be a bit longer-It's now (including THIS chapter) 5 chapters left!

And be warned :they will be LONG but don't skip! A LOT happens !

It took me a lot to write this because I am doing the next chapter in Dave's POV for the last 3 (ish) chapters ! (dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNN!).

Warning: This chapter and the next chapter are EXTREMELY depressing and sad !

I have personal experience in some of the things mentioned here.

I am NOT saying ANYONE should do it-if you do you need SERIOUS HELP !

This chapter and the next are inspired by the song 'Telephone Line' by ELO (Electronic Light Orchestra) so yeah,it's sad.

I listened to this pretty much constantly the week it took to write THIS chapter ALONE !

**ODE TO SVEN'S FURRY BUM**

**Last chapter:**

_"What are you doing here?"_

_I went and sat next to him "Oh, I don't know" and I started crying and next thing I know it ALL came out-Dave, the airplane, Masimo, Emma, Sex Gods ,Cosmic Horn, EVERYTHING._

_Robbie was quite nice about it, though, and sat with his arm round my waist as I wiped drool and probably *not* bogeys all over his leather jacket._

_He was quiet all the way through until the end._

_He wrapped his arms around me and held me. I felt all safe and cozy, like I could curl up and sleep and safe there forever._

_What does that mean? Does that mean we are meant to be-or something?_

_Robbie said over my head "That is a lot for anyone to stand, especially you."_

_"You don't have to tell me, mate."_

_"I can understand why you are so one can stay in their right mad, going through all that."_

_I was going to say 'Fanks, erm, I think." but then he went on in his slow, rumbly Sex-Goddy way :_

_"Like my marrying Lindsay ,you see, she's pregnant."_

_I froze .OH my dear God._

_"She-she's it's not what you think, I mean, yes I am the father. But I don't love her, not really."_

_He leaned back and lifted my chin up so we were eye to eye._

_"It's always been you I wanted." and then he snogged me._

**ODE TO SVEN'S FURRY BUM**

**Friday, January 28th****(yes, still)**

**10pm,Bed**

Back into my bed of pain.

Not literally-Mum and the Swiss Family Mad have gone round to see Uncle Eddie.

Why?

We see him at least once every week and even then that is too much.

**14 Minutes Later**

I have literally burned my big red bottom on the rack of love.

Dave is out of the hospital and wants to see me, ME first thing.

So what do I do ? Do I exude Casualnosity and gracioustionosioyness?

No, I expose him to Libby (ooer) and then Robbie tried to snog me…in front of Dave.

**20 Seconds Later**

To be fair, DAVE followed ME out of Jas' to spy on me and Robbie talking.

But still -poo.

With a hint of _merde_.

**1am**

So here is the lovely (NOT) itinerary of my evening:

1) Dave the Laugh comes round to mine.

2) Robbie tries to snog me so Dave leaves in a strop

3)Then when I try to walk home Dave pops out of the shadows to tell me we can't even be mates anymore and he is getting back with Miss-Does-Her-Homework-And-Bakes Emma and, oh yes, he is moving to Hamburger-agogo Land.

And then he tells me he loves my top because it shows off my 'perfect navel' .WHAT ? WHAT ?

4) I try to go home AGAIN, only to end up at Robbie's Olds, and Robbie is there…and he snogs me. Properly…..

Just in time for Masimo to go by on his scooter.

Bloody Hell in a hand basket.

I am never going to be able to sleep agai-….

**Saturday, January 29****th**

**11am**

Holy Hell I've overslept.

And then some.

Mad rush to comb hair, find my beret, etc before I remember it's a Saturday.

The Ace Gang is having sleepover round at Rosie's but I don't think I'll go.

Because then I'd have to go to the gig.

What if Dave is there with his GIRLFRIEND, Emma?

I think killing her may put off the party mood.

**2 Minutes Later**

Ish.

**Teatime**

Over a lovely tea of, erm, nothing, Mum said "We're putting Angus on a diet. We even bought a bag of special cat food."

I said "Fat chance. Literally."

**8pm,Bed**

Oooooh,I am soo bored.

Did literally nothing all day and NO ONE has rang.

I actually found myself in my room, doing my homework (only to get away from watching a Muppet movie with my so-called 'family).

I have literally become Mrs. Nobby No-Mates.

My new address is:

Mrs. Nobby No-Mates, in Widowshire.

Pooooo.

And no one has rung, even just to say "Haha you have no snogging partner"

**25 Minutes Later**

Someone DID ring today, all day. But every time I answered they did stereo hanging-up.

Hmmmm.

It was probably one of Mutti's daft mates or her aerobics instructor for phone-sex.

ERLACK ERLACK NO GET OUT OF MY HEAD !

**Midnight**

Woke by Vati yelling 'This is it! This is IT !

And Mum saying 'Bob, put the knife down."

Has Vati finally snapped and will have to go to a vatihome?

**4 Minutes Later**

Angus has ate the whole bag of special diet cat food!

Happy days and night, night.

**Sunday, January 30****th**

**7:39am**

Woke suddenly.

Libby was about 2 inches from my face. No easy feat with a nose 5 foot long (shut up brain).

Libby grinned and gave me a big kiss "I LOBES you my ginger."

Aw, she is so sweet, I really do love her-and then she it was a real knee-trembler.

I pushed her off of me and went down to find Mum .She was in the kitchen cooking soldiers in a see-through nightie.

I ignored it, though, and said "For anyone that cares, I think Libby's arse has imploded."

Vati put down his paper "Don't bloody curse."

Which I thought was vair funny but I didn't say so.

Vati was in a vair bad mood. I guess eating all his special cat food had made Angus sick and he took a big poo in Vati's slippers. Vati was doing relentless moaning.

"They are going to smell for at least a week."

God, on and on.

I said helpfully "You could bathe them in bleach."

Vati looked at me "I meant my feet."

I said "Yes, well, so did I" and Mutti sent me to my room.

Incredible!

Before I slammed my door for emphathisosity (try and say THAT three times fast!) I yelled down the stairs "Yes, I will go to my room !And do you know what I will be doing in there? Nothing because there is nothing to ever DO here in this bloody house!"

And Mum shouted "Oh shut up !"

**11am**

I am so restless.

I can't even cleanse, tonse, and moisturize.

**My Room, Teatime **

Jas FINALLY came by.

"The party was sooo much fun last night."

"Huh."

"Mabs forgot her jimjams so she wore my sleeping bag and her knickers only."

"That's great, I am glad you have a lesbian mate."

Jas looked at me. "What's wrong? Oh,GOD, now what have you done?"

I looked at her "Nothing, actually ,Robbie was the one who snogged ME."

Jas went agog.

"Tell me EVERYTHING."

I told her then she used the phone to call everyone round for an emergency Ace Gang meeting.

**30 Minutes Later**

Told everyone about Robbie snogging me.

Rosie said 'Oh wow, like…wow."

She must be taking a book out of Ellen's, erm, book, and it is called "How To Be A Stuttering Div.".

Jools said "What are you going to do, then?"

"I don't know. The gravity of this all is freaking me out. I haven't even got lippy on."

Everyone was going "Oh, poor Gee' but then Jas had to go and say: "Georgia, gravity can not be blamed for people falling in love".

Good grief.

Do you see what I am dealing with here?

I am surrounded by _le _idiots.

Or do I mean _les_ idiotes?

Or do I even care?

**35 Minutes Later**

Going over makeup tips in Mutti's Cosmo when Jools suddenly looked round and said "What about the gig then?"

I looked at her blankly "What?"

"Friday night."

Oh, Bloody Hell.

Everyone was looking at me like I was a, erm, looking-at thing.

To cover my nervosity I stood and said "I'll grab some snacksies" and practically broke my neck running down stairs.

**Kitchen**

Opened the cabinet for the usual -pop tarts with maybe a hint of moldy cheese-and there was actually something in them .

The cabinet I mean, not the mold.

At any rate, it was all labeled, in knitted container covers.

Drawers- same.

Fridge- same.

And what's more, there was FOOD in them !

Mum came in as pulled out sticky buns.

"Where did this food come from and why does it have knitted cozies? Did someone die? Was it Granddad?" I said hopefully.

Mum tutted "Don't be so bloody rude, it's your Granddad and Maisie's anni present to Bob and me."

"When is your anniversary?"

"Friday. Do you want to see what I made for your Dad?"

"Well, actually Mum-" but Mum wouldn't hear it. She practically ripped my arm off, dragging me to the basement.

I said 'This doesn't have anything to do with leather or bondage does it?"

Mum went "No, but now that you mention it.."

But then she saw my face and laughed "No, I paid Jem to get busy -"

I covered my ears with my hands "LALALA"

Mum gave me the Evils so I moved my hands "- making a cooking bar with built in wine-rack and wine cooler!"

Oh, good, just what they need, another excuse to get drunk.

Mum was vair excited about it, though. She was all flushed and red, opening me cabinets and showing me things (ooer).

She is going to be vair disappointed when she sees what Vati got her- one of those shoe organizer things that hang on the back of a closet.

"Erm, I hope you didn't spend to much money."

"Don't be stupid, of course I did. And when your dad gets the bill he will feel so guilty he HAS to be me something MORE expensive. I know how men work, Gee."

And she gave a nasty laugh.

I was just going to say "And how IS that exactly, Mum? "

When I heard Vati shout. "Bloody bollocking bugger!"

**Loo**Libby has flushed the keys to Dad's clown car down the loo!

Brilliant !

I will have to buy her a special prize, for her geniosity !

Dad was taking the lid off the back of the toilet when we got there. I looked at Mum but she just shrugged.

"Erm, Dad shouldn't you call a plumber?"

He got all shirty "It isn't rocket science, Georgia."

**Bedroom**

In between cheesy whatsits Jas said "What took you so long?"

I said "Libby flushed Vati's keys."

Jools said "Shouldn't he call a plumber?"

I started to say "He said he could handle it but-"

FLUSH *Uh oh* FLUSH *Damn* FLUSH * *bloody Hell* FLUSH *damn bollocking bugger!* FLUSH *OH HELL (and) Quick, Connie, grab as many towels as you can, before it seeps downstairs!"

The Ace Gang left quickly after that.

Before leaving ,their brill advice was to sit down Robbie and have a talk with him. Find out his desires (ooer) and so on.

Looks like I may have to re-borrow Mum's _Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus _for adviceosity.

As she was going out the door Jas said "And absolutely NO snogging him!"

Ha ha ha, as if.

**Bed**

Libby climbed in bed with a book and her usual barrage of 'fwends'.

"Read me!"

Oh Hell it's a book of Chrimbo carols.

"No, Libs I'm tired, go-"

'NO bad boy, ding dong ding ding ding!"

In the end I had to sing her the Chorus of the bloody Bollocking Bells 12 times before she went off to her OWN bed, but before she went she said "I LOBE you Ginggeee." and then snogged my nose.

Erlack.

**2am**

Woke up straight.

Why?

It's blacky black out. Vair freaky.

You can't see a thing.

I thought I saw someone standing by the lamppost on the corner but it was only a shadow.

I closed my curtains just, you know, in case anyways.

**2 Seconds Later**

I wonder what Dave is doing?

**Monday, January 31****st**

**8am**

Usual mad rush for school. Then as a good-bye present Libby smeared my hair all up with jam and I had to re-wash it.

Had to run for the gates then in the end risking a CoCo the Clown hair implosion.

**HisTory (ahah,get it? Do you..oh, nev mind)**

**Aka Hysterectomy (according to Rosie but she is, as we all know, mad)**

And the day keeps getting better (not).

Big exam in History. Jas claims I was told about it ages ago but, as I told her, I was too busy on focusing on more important things. My nails, for instance. They are vair rangy. Must remember to buy a new emery board next time I'm out.

**Break**

Over cheesy whatsits I said "That was intense."

They all did that nodding thing, except Jas.

Jas said "So what did you lot put down for what had lead to the downfall of the Srivijaya kingdom?"

"I put smallpox because the White Men gave them smallpox blankets."

Jas looked at me. What?

"What?"

'Noffink"

The bell rang then and she went into the loos. I followed her, though.

She was pouting in the mirror because some fool told her she looks like Claudia Schiffer.

Yes, if Claudia Schiffer weighed about 200 stone and had a crap fringe.

I didn't say that, though. I said -"What was wrong with my answer then ?"

She dried her hands "Nothing." she went out but I followed her "But what?"

"Well, I don't want to be the one to tell you, Gee, but being your best mate and all I should."

I felt like screaming "WHAT? For the love of God and Buddha's pink frilly knickers, WHAT Jas?"

But I didn't.

"If you keep up this much longer you'll end up alone, and mad. Like your uncle, the stripper."

"Baldy-O-Gram."

Unfortunately that's when Lindsay came out and yelled at me (NOT Jas, JUST me. How typical for a Fascist) for 'blocking the halls."

As we filed past her to class she gave me a look like I was cow snot on a pile of poo underneath…well, you get the idea.

She must know Robbie snogged me, tee hee I'd hate to be her right now.

**2 Seconds Later**

Actually, I'd hate to be her anytime.

**Froggy**

Oh, _zut alors_ we're doing a Food section in French! Why?

Madame Slack is beside her self, though.

She has even brought in loads of smelly cheeses and we have to eat them and say how DISGUSTING they are, only in French.

_Merde._

Madame Slack is saying stuff like: 'Not only taste the cheese, BE the cheese."

And :

"You have to close your eyes and let it sliiiide down."

Oh,dear God.

I nearly died giggling.

I feel a fit of hysterics coming on….

**R.E.**

Rosie made a quiz where you fill out a quiz and it tells you how your future will look based on your answers, etc.

Jas did it and was all pink and girly because she got marrying a botanist, living in Australia and making over 1000000 a year.

I got marrying a goat groomer, living in Switzerland and dying young by choking on cheese.

Fab.

**Home**

And I have come home to an orange room.

Why?

Mum said it needed 'cheering up'.

I wish they would have asked first next time.

And removed me things.

There is paint on my best gold kitten heels.

Oh, well, it's not like I am going out ever again.

I am going to be marrying a goat groomer than choking to death on chiz.

I'm going to bed.

**Wednesday, February 2****nd**

**Home**

Absobloody nothing has happened all week.

Which is good (ish).

It is good practice for marrying a goat groomer. (shut up brain).

Best thing that has happened all week is Lindsay has been called away -her GrandFarty in Leeds is sick.

Maybe she'll catch it too and die, oh dear .

Never mind.

**10pm,Phone**

Was taking a soothing foot bath-we've started a basketball unit in Sports and Nauseating P. Green was blocking me and trod on my foot about 4757457475 times.

And I mean that literally.

I picked it up-Mutti and Vati have taken their mad toddlery daughter for Pizza. And it was probably just Jas asking about the damn history exam.

I picked it up-Mutti and Vati have taken their mad toddlery daughter for Pizza.

"I told you Jas I don't KNOW why I said Genghis Khan had webbed feet, leave it."

"Ermmm, is this a bad time?"OH MY GIDDY God and jelloid knickers all round, it was Robbie!

He wanted to know if I was going to the Gig of a Lifetime on Friday.

Hmmmmm.

"I don't know, why?"

"Well, I was wondering-I mean, if it was ok,.. Can I pick you up, before ?I want to talk about things."

Oh dear God.

"I don't know. What if Lindsay sees? Decapitating me will put off any chances of grooving."

Oh dear God I was talking wubbish.

Whyyy? Whyyyy?

Thankfully (I think?) Robbie laughed.

"She'll be in Leeds till Sunday."

"Well I told the Ace Gang I'd go round there for party preparations. I'm staying with Rosie because it's my Olds anniversary and I don't want to see them do any sort of ..special snogging. Erlack."

Robbie said he understood AND he'd pick me up after school Thursday so we can 'catch up' (!).

**11pm**

What should I wear?

**12am**

Do you think lippy is OK or is that too keen, like I am gagging for a snog?

**35 Minutes Later**

Well, I fairly AM so….

**20 Minutes Later**

What if he DOESN'T try to snog me?

He probably won't, if Friday was anything to go by.

Poo.

**1 Hour Later**

I wonder if he still really likes me?

He told me he 'thinks about me a lot' in a letter he wrote me, when he was in Kiwi A-Go-Go Land.

Then he snogged me not a week ago.

Hmmmmm…

**5 Minutes Later**

Is this a date-type thingydiddums?

Oh, hello, Rack of Love.

**Thursday , February 3rd**

**8am**

Shattered. Didn't drop off till round 3am then Libby came in and forced me to hum the Hello Kitty theme for about an hour.

Met Jas at her gate "You look like death warmed up. Didn't you sleep ?"

"No I was tortured by pink kitties all night."

Jas looked at me like I was mad.

**Assembly**

Met the Gang in the hall, did the usual Klingon Salute, quick burst of Viking Disco Inferno Dancing then usual shuffling about in Assembly.

Ever since Rosie has announced her engagement she has slowly lost all sanity she has.

"Sven has joined track!"

"But he's not in a school to."

"Oh, I know."

"Does he?"

Rosie rolled her eyes." Don't be dim, of course he does, he just runs with the team. He used to go on the track till he was caught so now he just runs laps round the school."

Jools said "How was he caught?""I don't know. He was wearing furry jogger bums at the time for conspicuousnessosity."

I noticed she was wearing a furry unibrow.

That was rainbow-colored.

You see what I mean?

Too detract myself from the madnosity of it all I said 'Robbie rang me last night."

Everyone was on full-on gog duties, saying "When?" "Why" "What for?' and so on.

It was like the Spanish bloody Inquisition.

"He's meeting me after school."

"Are you like-I mean…you know..uhm…you know…skirt?""I have it all solved, _mon amies. _I've makeup supplies in my bag. I figure if I start in R.E. with foundation, bronzer, basic stuff, and the rest in German all I will have to do is pop to the loos, adjusty hair and I am good."

"What about your uniform?""Are you going to wear your beret and tell him about your stinky cheese?" Rosie said

I crossed my eyes at Rosie.

"All I have to do is remove my vest, roll my skirt, add heels and _voila!_ Instant Sex Kitten !"

Jas said "Why do you even care? He is getting married."

"He is a mate and I want to look good for my mates."

Jas put her face really really close to mine. "I am your mate and you don't put slap on for me, hmmmm Sex Kitty."

Only she said it to mean "You used the nickname Dave has for you, you appalling tart."

I secretly said "Eat poo Owl girl"

Out loud I said "Yes because that is because I am not a lezzy."

Jas couldn't shout at me because then Slim mounted the stage and started going "Settle girls, settle."

**R.E.**

Learning 5-7-5 verse poetry.

Why?

Rosie sent me a note "I've wrote a poem. Want to hear it?I shook my head, risking my bouncibility factor. Lord knows no one wants to hear an ode to Sven's furry bum (Oh nooooo, BAD MENTAL IMAGE, get put ! Get out!), like her last poem, but, no, she still sent me it :

"My name Charlonda,

I live in hole,

And I am very fond of every mole,

I dig with them walk with them,

Talk with them too,

Did you know boy cows go moo?"

Totally mad.

Slim made a 'fab' (hahahah NOT) announcement during Assembly. Since Upper Fifth enjoyed camping sooo much (what? When? When it was over, maybe) we 'get to' go floating at the end of the year.

Oh dear God.

Maybe we can 'accidentally' tip Slim over.

But fat floats so she'll just bob up to the nungas float too.

Lordy what a mental image.

At any rate, it'll be 'once it warms some' meaning never.

The Foxwood lads are going to be there, too.

God. Gooooooood !

**German**

Jas has gone to the orthodontist so have time to do makeup and further Luurrrrrrrrve, er I mean Ex-Snoggee preparations without Jas looking at me and rolling her eyes.

I don't know what her problem is.

I was just telling Rosie about my 'date' with Robbie tonight, in Maths, and Jas started going on, on how I throw myself at anything with a trouser snake.

Which is SO not true.

I mean, Herr Kamyer is a bloke and I assume has a trouser snake and I don't thrust my nungas-nungas at him.

Come to think of it, I don't thrust my nungas-nungas at anyone, for fear of putting their eye out.

Anyways, I told Jas that, I said "Herr Kamyer is a bloke and I assume has a trouser snake and I don't thrust my nungas-nungas at him." and she called me a tart so I kicked her and Slim caught me and put me on cloakroom duty for a month.

Bloody fringey Voley with her bloody fringey 'code of ethics' (her words, not mine).

**5 Minutes Later**

What sort of ethics can a Vole have?

'I Will Not Poo in my Food ?"

**2 Minutes Later**

'I will not snog owls?'

I feel a fit of mad hysterics coming on.

**Last Bell**

I feel sooo nervous, like I am going to go poo and be sick all down my front at the same time.

What of this was all a joke, and I turn up at the gate and he's not there, and he's only doing it because Lindsay told him to?

OHhhh I feel sick.

I'm not going.

**2 Minutes Later**

Am going.

What if he is there?

**1 Minute Later**

What if Lindsay is back early and sees?

I am not going-I am just going to sneak out and -

Ellen ran in "Gee-he's, like, you know, like, PHWOAR."

OH BLOODY HELL, I'm going.

**Bed**

Well.

**15 Minutes Later**

And Hmmmmmmmmmmmm…

**1 Hour Later**

Tonight was. Interesting.

Robbie showed up in his Camel Car (he says Dave MAKES him call that or else Dave sits on his head until he sings the Barney song. What I want to know is, how does he know it? He has no younger toddlery folk brothers or sisters. Hmmmm…).

We went for Pizza. Robbie didn't say anything which was good because my stomach was all wooshy and I was afraid if I opened my mouth to talk I'd projectile-vomit.

Not good.

We ate and talked .Well ,he talked mainly. I felt too shy and nervy to say anything.

He talked mostly about the band, and Kiwi A-Go-Go Land.

I thought "Oh, HELL he just wants to be another boy-y mate. Am I not girlfriend material? What's with every other bloke wanting to be my mate?"

But then he suggested we go for a walk.

We left the restaurant and walked up and down Main Street a bit. Our shoulders kept bumping. It was like an electric shock.

We were looking in shop windows, and outside Boots he suddenly swung me round to face him.

Uh oh uh oh, SNOG ALERT ! SNOG ALERT! Brain to lips, brain to lips-do NOT PUCKER!

He looked at me but not like I was mad or anything (!).

He looked at me really intensely for ,like ,a LONG long time.

Then he said "Georgia, I have something to tell you. I - I-"

I was thinking "What? Have a tail ? Levitate? Read minds? OH DEAR GOD I HOPE NOT" and started to have a major nervy b. but then he said "I never stop thinking about you. You're not like any girl I met. Your not just a gorgey face."

When he saw my look he hugged me "No, I mean you're gorgeous, you know, it but, well ,you're not shallow. You're beautiful even to your soul."

I thought " he starts singing Jesse McCartney I may melt. Or jump on him and snog him within an inch of his life."

Then I remembered the maybe-reading-minds thing and jumped away.

Robbie laughed "You are truly, totally mad." then he pulled me to him….and SNOGGED me!

Properly !

For over 3 minutes-It was more like 10 minutes, because I remember pretending to dig for my lippy and glancing at my wristwatch, sneaky sneaky, tee hee hee.

After that he TOOK MY HAND and we walked back to his car.

He started to drive me home but then suddenly he stopped and swerved round in traffic, breaking about 123347e7437 rules (hmmm…dangerous. My kinda guy ) and we went to the park.

He got out of the park and started crossing the fields so I had to hurry to catch up to him.

I was wearing heels and at one point I fell in a badger hole but I don't think he noticed.

At any rate, when I caught up to him panting and red faced (how attractive NOT) he was standing on the hill I go sledding down in Winter with the Ace Gang.

He just stood there not saying anything.

I racked my brain to find something to say, and I remembered Jools saying when I was practicing for my date with Masimo the Horse Bag-erm, well, you know what I mean, AGES ago.

At any rate, she read out of Mum's _How To Make Any Twit Fall In Love With You_ to start the conversation off light and interesting with an interesting fact.

Hm…

"So, Robbie."

He looked at me.

"Did you know the ocean floor is completely dark. Very few fish can live there. The black angler fish is one that does. It carries its own lantern to lure Prey into its huge mouth. Bacteria in the fish poo that glow in the dark make the light.

Robbie looked at me for a long time then he started laughing.

I thought he was having a fit. At one point the was laughing so hard he had to sit down.

Why?

I didn't say anything funny (I don't think).

Hmmm.

He smiled up at me.

"Pull up a patch of grass."

I said stupidly 'Wot?' then I realized what he meant.

I sat next to him, tucking my skirt under me in case of any embarrassing knicker emergence, and I couldn't remember if I had even put knickers on this morning, let alone which pair.

But he pulled me to him, with his arm round my shoulder.

I couldn't help but remember Dave doing that, and having to slap his hand from round my breasty-business.

It honestly made me tear up, a bit, thinking of Dave.

Robbie saw that and said "What's wrong love?"

"This. You're getting married and I -Oh I don't know."

He took a deep breath and looked out to the setting sun.

"Hmmmm. It's Dave, isn't it ?"

I looked at him, amazed. Maybe he could read minds?

Oh no.

"No I can't read your mind. I just see things."

Ooer…

"What do you mean?"

"Gee, I selfishly took you out here to talk about things, but now I see it involves all three of us."

I could hear Dave's voice in my brain saying 'Ménage à trois'. Cor, shut up mental Dave.

"Three? What?"

"He loves you, Georgia and then thing is, so do I."

Oh Dear God, not this again.

"Oh Dear God not this again."

Robbie looked at me.

"Georgia, I am only marrying Lindsay because she is up the duff. It's you I want. "

"But you-I mean-can't."

Robbie pulled up a tuft of grass and threw it to the wind.

He watched the blades float away.

"Georgia, Lindsay is having an affair. She's being seeing Masimo behind my back."

OH MY GOD.

I fell over.

OH MY GOD.

Robbie leaned over. His eyes are sooo gorgeous, and his lips-NO ,NO ,BAD BRAIN, DOWN RED BOTTOM , DOWN !

"Are you ok?"

I sat up and said quickly : "Fine, no, yes, it's just that-well, I mean, but you're marrying her, yes?"

He sighed "Yeah but only for the baby. I mean, I don't know. She could be mine or Masimo's. And we can't do any testing till after the baby is born. And if it's mine, well I'll be, you know, there."

He took a deep breath. "I'll be Dad and Husband. But if it's Masimo's, I'll step down."

I didn't know what to say.

What COULD I say?

We talked a bit, longer, then we walked back to the car.

He had his arm round me and he kept looking at me out the corner of his eye.

HMM….

Then on the way home he was really really quiet.

When he stopped at my gate he just sat there.

"Georgia, Dave loves you , too."

He looked at me "You have to choose."

WHAT?

I was livid.

"But I thought he was dating Emma-stupid-Thompson?"

Robbie looked at me deep, deep in the eyes. "Yes but to forget you. And I can't." And with that he dropped me off at my gate and pulled off, no good bye snog, nothing.

Oh nooooo

Not this AGAIN.

I am soooo through with blokes and their stupid games !

NO no and thrice NO!

**20 Minutes Later**

How can he snog me then leave me there like that?

OHhhh Lord, Buddha, Baby Jesus, what have I done to deserve this?

**3 Minutes Later**

Break up a marriage (ish) or a boyfriend/girlfriend couple?

Why can't I just like one guy and be happy, like Mutti and Vati.

**20 Minutes Later**

Well, maybe not.

When I came home Mutti and Vati were snogging on the couch with _Grey's Anatomy _playing on the telly.

Erlack.

How could anyone fell like snogging when people are pooing and puking blood in the background?

Eurrrrgh.

**45 Minutes Later**

Do I like Robbie that way. You know..L-Word him?

Hmm…love.

He WAS my first love, and proper snog.

**16 Minutes Later**

But I have snogged Dave the most.

I wonder if I still have that bracelet he gave me-it's red and strappy. He got it for me after the whole Hamburger a-go-go Land nightmare fiasco.

**13 Minutes Later**

Found it.

It was under bed next to a half-eaten mouse and Our Lord Sandra's missing foot.

Better rinse it off, so as to not get Ye Olden Black Deathy (the bracelet, I mean, not Our Lord Sandra's foot).

**5 Minutes Later, Bed**

It fits quite nicely and it's a vair nice bracelet.

It was very nice of him to buy it for me, even if he DID dump me for a baking nitwit twat…

**45 Minutes Later**

And what about Emma and hating me and so on?

OH I DON'T KNOW!

And-gahhh there is the phone !

WHAT MAD PERSON WOULD CALL AT THIS TIME OF THE NIGHT WHEN OTHERS ARE SLEEPING?

Well, supposed to be anyway.

**35 Minutes Later**

It was Rosie.

"Do you think Harrods's rents out air hockey tables?"

'What?"'For our wedding reception."

In the end she finally rung off after I convinced her air hockey AND dodge ball would both be vair tricky to play in full-out beards and furry dresses.

If only I could convince her the sideburns and slide whistles were a bad idea too..

Hmmmm….

**57 Minutes Later**

Maybe I could have a timeshare boyfriend, one for snogging and one JUST for throwing really groovy parties?

**27 Minutes Later**

But supposed one wanted to snog AT the party?

Oh, bollocks.

**45 Minutes Later**

Just realized the Gig of a Lifetime is tomorrow-well, it's today now as it's well gone 2am.

Bollocks bollocks bollocks.


	23. 100 Percent Verified Universal Stud

100% PERCENT VERIFIED UNIVERSAL STUD

Last Time:

We were looking in shop windows, and outside Boots he suddenly swung me round to face him.

Uh oh uh oh, SNOG ALERT ! SNOG ALERT! Brain to lips, brain to lips-do NOT PUCKER!

He looked at me but not like I was mad or anything (!).

He looked at me really intensely for ,like ,a LONG long time.

Then he said "Georgia, I have something to tell you. I - I-"

I was thinking "What? Have a tail ? Levitate? Read minds? OH DEAR GOD I HOPE NOT" and started to have a major nervy b. but then he said "I never stop thinking about you.  
You're not like any girl I met. Your not just a gorgey face."

When he saw my look he hugged me "No, I mean you're gorgeous, you know, it but, well ,you're not shallow. You're beautiful even to your soul.  
I thought " If he starts singing Jesse McCartney I may melt. Or jump on him and snog him within an inch of his life."

Then I remembered the maybe-reading-minds thing and jumped away.

Robbie laughed "You are truly, totally mad."

Properly !

For over 3 minutes-It was more like 10 minutes, because I remember pretending to dig for my lippy and glancing at my wristwatch, sneaky sneaky, tee hee hee.

After that he TOOK MY HAND and we walked back to his car.

He started to drive me home but then suddenly he stopped and swerved round in traffic, breaking about 123347e7437 rules (hmmm dangerous. My kinda guy ) and we went to the park.

He got out of the park and started crossing the fields so I had to hurry to catch up to him.

I was wearing heels and at one point I fell in a badger hole but I don't think he noticed.

At any rate, when I caught up to him panting and red faced (how attractive NOT) he was standing on the hill I go sledding down in Winter with the Ace Gang.

He just stood there not saying anything.

I racked my brain to find something to say, and I remembered Jools saying when I was practicing for my date with Masimo the Horse Bag-erm, well, you know what I mean, AGES ago.

At any rate, she read out of Mum's How To Make Any Twit Fall In Love With You to start the conversation off light and interesting with an interesting fact.

Hm

"So, Robbie."

He looked at me.

"Did you know the ocean floor is completely dark. Very few fish can live there. The black angler fish is one that does. It carries its own lantern to lure Prey into its huge mouth.  
Bacteria in the fish poo that glow in the dark make the light."

Robbie looked at me for a long time then he started laughing.

I thought he was having a fit. At one point the was laughing so hard he had to sit down.

Why?

I didn't say anything funny (I don't think).

Hmmm.

He smiled up at me.

"Pull up a patch of grass."

I said stupidly 'Wot?' then I realized what he meant.

I sat next to him, tucking my skirt under me in case of any embarrassing knicker emergence (and I couldn't remember if I had even put knickers on this morning, let alone which pair).

But he pulled me to him, with his arm round my shoulder.

I couldn't help but remember Dave doing that, and having to slap his hand from round my breasty-business.

It honestly made me tear up, a bit, thinking of Dave.

Robbie saw that and said "What's wrong love?"

"This. You're getting married and I -Oh I don't know."

He took a deep breath and looked out to the setting sun.

"Hmmmm. It's Dave, isn't it ?"

I looked at him, amazed. Maybe he could read minds?

Oh no.

"No I can't read your mind. I just see things."

Ooer

"What do you mean?"

"Gee, I selfishly took you out here to talk about things, but now I see it involves all three of us."

I could hear Dave's voice in my brain saying 'M nage trois'. Cor, shut up mental Dave.

"Three? What?"

"He loves you, Georgia and then thing is, so do I."

Oh Dear God, not this again.

"Oh Dear God not this again."

Robbie looked at me.

"Georgia, I am only marrying Lindsay because she is up the duff. It's you I want. "

"But you-I mean-can't..." I trailed off.

Robbie pulled up a tuft of grass and threw it to the wind.

He watched the blades float away.

"Georgia, Lindsay is having an affair. She's being seeing Masimo behind my back."

OH MY GOD.

I fell over.

OH MY GOD.

Robbie leaned over. His eyes are sooo gorgeous, and his lips-NO ,NO ,BAD BRAIN, DOWN RED BOTTOM , DOWN !

"Are you ok?"

I sat up and said quickly : "Fine, no, yes, it's just that-well, I mean, but you're marrying her, yes?"

He sighed "Yeah but only for the baby. I mean, I don't know. She could be mine or Masimo's. And we can't do any testing till after the baby is born. And if it's mine, well I'll be, you know, there."

He took a deep breath. "I'll be Dad and Husband. But if it's Masimo's, I'll step down."

I didn't know what to say.

What COULD I say?

We talked a bit, longer, then we walked back to the car.

He had his arm round me and he kept looking at me out the corner of his eye.

HMM .

Then on the way home he was really really quiet.

When he stopped at my gate he just sat there.

"Georgia, Dave loves you , too."

He looked at me "You have to choose."

WHAT?

I was livid.

"But I thought he was dating Emma-stupid-Thompson?"

Robbie looked at me deep, deep in the eyes. "Yes but to forget you. And I can't." And with that he dropped me off at my gate and pulled off, no good bye snog, nothing.

Oh nooooo

Not this AGAIN.

I am soooo through with blokes and their stupid games !

NO no and thrice NO!

20 Minutes Later

How can he snog me then leave me there like that?

OHhhh Lord, Buddha, Baby Jesus, what have I done to deserve this?

3 Minutes Later

Break up a marriage (ish) or a boyfriend/girlfriend couple?

Why can't I just like one guy and be happy, like Mutti and Vati.

20 Minutes Later

Well, maybe not.

When I came home Mutti and Vati were snogging on the couch with Grey's Anatomy playing on the telly.

Erlack.

How could anyone fell like snogging when people are pooing and puking blood in the background?

Eurrrrgh.

45 Minutes Later

Do I like Robbie that way. You know..L-Word him?

Hmm love.

He WAS my first love, and proper snog.

16 Minutes Later

But I have snogged Dave the most.

I wonder if I still have that bracelet he gave me-it's red and strappy. He got it for me after the whole Hamburger a-go-go Land nightmare fiasco.

13 Minutes Later

Found it.

It was under bed next to a half-eaten mouse and Our Lord Sandra's missing foot.

Better rinse it off, so as to not get Ye Olden Black Deathy (the bracelet, I mean, not Our Lord Sandra's foot).

5 Minutes Later, Bed

It fits quite nicely and it's a vair nice bracelet.

It was very nice of him to buy it for me, even if he DID dump me for a baking nitwit twat

45 Minutes Later

And what about Emma and hating me and so on?

OH I DON'T KNOW!

And-gahhh there is the phone !

WHAT MAD PERSON WOULD CALL AT THIS TIME OF THE NIGHT WHEN OTHERS ARE SLEEPING?

Well, supposed to be anyway.

35 Minutes Later

It was Rosie.

"Do you think Harrods's rents out air hockey tables?"

'What?"  
'For our wedding reception."

In the end she finally rung off after I convinced her air hockey AND dodge ball would both be vair tricky to play in full-out beards and furry dresses.

If only I could convince her the sideburns and slide whistles were a bad idea too..

Hmmmm .

57 Minutes Later

Maybe I could have a timeshare boyfriend, one for snogging and one JUST for throwing really groovy parties?

27 Minutes Later

But supposed one wanted to snog AT the party?

Oh, bollocks.

45 Minutes Later

Just realized the Gig of a Lifetime is tomorrow-well, it's today now as it's well gone 2am.

Bollocks bollocks bollocks.

100 PERCENT VERIFIED UNIVERSAL STUD

Hi hi hi hi !

OMG You have NO clue how much FUN this was to write !

I KNOW FOUL LANGUAGE IS INDICATIVE OF IMMATURE BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BUT WELL-YOU'LL SEE!  
Hi hi hi tis me, your beluuuuuurved (in a VERY non-lesbiany way) writer Lauraaaaaaaaaaaaa coming at you from my sad room in Old Farts-agogo ( AKA Misery) !  
It took me a LOT to write this chapter. Literally. While writing this (not all in one go, but you get my gist Ooer) I've gone through 2 boxes of vanilla wafers, about 2000000 cups of coffee, a bout of insomnia (probably because of the coffee, hahahah), a 5-pound bag of M&Ms (yes you read that right...), a jar of pink lemonade mix (erm...mixed...not you know powdery, Erlack, though my littlest bro sniffs it for some reason...he IS 13 1/2 after all !), a can of Star Bucks Vanilla Espresso Shot ,  
a can of Mocha Starbucks Espresso Shot, a watermelon (yes, I ate a WHOLE watermelon to myself), 3 heads of lettuce, 10 Kit Kat bars, 4 mint 3 Musketeers, a bag of mini sourdough pretzels,  
and about 239586r86586845845843854 cups of ESPRESSO !I Luuuurve !  
Oh my I have lost the plot.  
Where was I? Oh yes I have decided to be MYSELF-and scarily enough it's a cross between Sven and Dave the Laugh, with bits of Rosie and Georgia (oooer!) thrown into the mix !  
I know guys don't like girls for funnyness,etc. and it drives everyone NUTS but, you know, so what? If they don't like Me, SCREW 'EM! (ooer not literally you naughty minxes!).  
But what was I saying?  
Oh yeah,this chapter was so hard to write!  
I wanted to get Dave and Gee together sooooooooooooooo bad but I couldn't because...well, you will see (and you probably hate me for it) in the next couple of chapters.  
Oh and I know it says '2 chapters left' or w/e in the description line for FF but I got a brillopads idea so it'll be a bit longer-It's now (including THIS chapter) 3 chapters left!  
And be warned :they will be LONG but don't skip! A LOT happens !  
It took me a lot to write this because I am doing the next chapter in Dave's POV.  
Warning: This chapter and the next chapter are EXTREMELY depressing and sad !  
I have personal experience in some of the things mentioned here.  
I am NOT saying ANYONE should do it-if you do you need SERIOUS HELP !  
This chapter and the next are inspired by the song 'Telephone Line' by ELO (Electronic Light Orchestra) so yeah,it's sad.  
I listened to this pretty much constantly the week -and-a-half it took to write THIS chapter ALONE !  
WARNING-M FOR MATURE-LANGUAGE IS BAD IN THIS ONE ! IF YOU ARE OFFENDED EASILY DO NOT READ! ANY COMPLAINTS IN THE FORM OF INSTANT MESSAGES, EMAILS OR REVIEWS OF THE BELOW LANGUAGE CONTENT WILL BE IGNORED AND DELTED ( BUT POSTED HERE FIRST ) BECAUSE I WARNED YOU !

Xoxo,

Lauraaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` GEE POV

Saturday, January 22nd (yes, still)  
10pm,Bed Back into my bed of pain.  
Not literally-Mum and the Swiss Family Mad have gone round to see Uncle Eddie.  
Why?  
We see him at least every week and even then that is too much.

14 Minutes Later I have literally burned my big red bottom on the rack of love.  
Dave is out of the hospital and wants to see me, ME first thing.  
So what do I do ? Do I exude Casualnosity and gracioustionosioyness?  
No, I expose him to Libby (ooer) and then Robbie tried to snog me...in front of Dave.

20 Seconds Later To be fair, HE followed ME out of Jas' to spy on me and Robbie talking. But still poo.  
With a hint of merde.

1am So here is the lovely (NOT) itinerary of my evening:  
1) Dave the Laugh comes round to mine.  
2) Robbie tries to snog me so Dave leaves in a strop 3)Then when I try to walk home Dave pops out of the shadows to tell me we can't even be mates anymore and he is getting back with Miss-Does-Her-Homework-And-Bakes Emma and, oh yes, he is moving to Hamburger-agogo Land.  
4) I try to go home AGAIN, only to end up at Robbie's Olds, and Robbie is there...and he snogs me. Properly...  
Just in time for Masimo to go by on his scooter.  
Bloody Hell in a hand basket.  
I am never getting out of bed AGAIN.

(( Dave's POV ))

Sunday, January 23rd

5pm

My throat aches like billio.

I tried to say 'Water " but it came out as 'Grghhhll."

Fantastic.

I opened my eyes to search round for a nurse but Emma was sitting by the bed.

Bloody Emma.

I am going to fake sleep till she buggers off.

7pm

Fell asleep till just now.

Grrrr my throat hurts still.

Where's a willing but able nurse with soft hands and big Gazonas when you need one?

Hmmmm.

Isn't Georgia's mum a nurse?

Hmmm .

4 Minutes Later

Found a button and pressed it but no sound came.

Huh.

Must be broken.

Press it again.

45 Minutes Later

Well.

It turns out that was the emergency call and every time I press it a buzzer goes off at the nurses' station.

I was busying taking a slash when three nurses burst in on me.

I zipped up but they went all red and dithery when they saw me.

I must be getting even more gorgeous every day, if I may say so myself.

10 Seconds Later

And I do.

1 Hour Later

The only thing is I guess the nurses rung my mum and now she is here and my older sister and Josh, the Most Bonkers Toddlery Folk Alive (second to Libby, Georgia's little sister), perhaps.

I noticed he got a new, punk haircut.

At any rate, Mum came in in her usual -today it was rainbow bell bottoms and a hot pink poncho.

Really.

She came over and first thing planted a big kiss on my forehead. I wish she wouldn't do that. She wears that lip stain stuff and I have to literally scrub my skin off to remove the lip prints.

I found out there is a special lotion that removes it but you can only buy it at girly lotion stores.

Georgia caught me once buying my special lotion.

She probably thinks now I am a homosexual, like the Handbag Horse.

Fabby (not).

The only down side is, my throat is realllllly achy and I am not allowed to talk for a WHOLE 24 hours.

Jack the Biscuit not speak? That's impossible! That's a crime!

I tried to act indignant but Mum didn't get it-in fact she asked me if I was constipated again.

Lovely Mum.

3 Hours Later, Discharge (Oooer)

I 'get to' go home tonight !

I did a Carlton Dance as Mum was getting discharge papers signed but then she turned quickly and caught me in mid-dance.

She didn't yell though-probably blamed my fabby dance moves on the drugs, not my joie de vire and such crap.

The nurse was giving Mum the discharge instructions, saying what I can and can not do.

She asked me "Do you smoke?"

I wrote (not allowed to talk, and besides it hurts like a rabid vampire whore with gonorrhea ..I don't know, Rollo told me that one) "I don't know I never checked" and Sissy called me a twat!

And just in my time of need, recovering from a great illness, etc !

Bed

In bed.

Jacob even brought me is so sweet.

Even with his new Mohawk haircut.

Whatever toddlery folk did it must be full of geniosity.

40 Seconds Later

Or mad as a hatter.

Monday, January 24th

8am

Woke by a blinding light and sounds of general chaos.

The Lads'll be here then.

I quickly hid Snuffles under my pillow. If they found out they -especially Tom-would never let me live it down.

Hid Snuffles just in time for them to kick the door open and jump on the bed.

With me in it.

"Don't damage the goods!"

"He wasn't good then."

"Oh, ho, how'd you know?"

Etc.

I missed the Barmy Army.

Sven had gotten red highlights (even though he is, it has to be said, very quite blonde).

Dec says he is thinking about getting braces "To get the chicks. Nerds are I-N IN."

Hmmm

I wrote "What about Ellen?"

He shrugged 'I don't think she'd pull off the braces look."

I threw my pillow at him.

I forgot Snuffles was underneath and Tom said 'What is THIS?'

I tried to grab for it but he held it above his head.

Oh, DAMN DAMN BOLLOCKING DAMN.

After a game of Toss-The-Snuffles Tom tucked it in next to me and patted my head I didn't even notice Rollo taking a picture until the flash.

DAMNIT!

They had to rush off to school (they promise they'd keep up my standard of mayhem) after that but said they'd be by after.

Huh.

On my own again.

Bed,1pm

Slept off and on most of the day.

I feel wretched.

And I am all out of ice cream.

I wonder where my sister is? She should be here, waiting on me hand and foot in my time of need.

44 Minutes Later

I wonder where I put my bullhorn?

12 Minutes Later

Found it, under a pile of dirty socks and PANTS.

I am after all, the PANTSmeister extraordinaire !

Bed (Still)

Mum has taken away my bullhorn. She says I need to 'stop harassing my sister and do something productive with my self."

Hmmm.

But that takes only 15 minutes, what else am I supposed to do for the remaining 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day?

Hahaha

12 Seconds LaterOw.

Hurts to laugh.

On the bright side, Sissy got in trouble for threatening to put the bullhorn somewhere for me but, like I said, that place is for Poo Parlor purposes only.

4pm

Barmy Army FINALLY here with Emma.

They tried to avoid her by hiding behind shrubbery but Sven's Sailor Horn Pipe Hat that Rosie made him out of bits of fur and dead herring kept giving them away.

As did the cats following him.

"We did try getting rid of her. In the end Rolls chucked the hat at Emma and we did a runner as they swarmed her but I guess she got away. Shame about her face though."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Just kidding."Damn.

Oh, erm, I mean

5pm

The lads have gone leaving me with Emma.

She sat by my bed and looked at me for a long, long time without saying anything.

It was a bit creepy, really.

Georgia at least said something during awkward moments, even if it was pure wubbish.

Oh dear God now I am even talking like her

Emma brought my homework and even INSISTED she stay and help me with it.

This is getting ridiculous. I know she feels bad for pushing me down the stairs.

AND giving me mono.

But she doesn't have to spend every bloody waking moment with me.

I know I am gorgeous but you CAN have too much of a good thing.

5 Minutes Later

No, no you can't.

Gee's tip-top snogging skills for example.

Phwoarrrrrr !

Emma was saying " his last stand, at the battle of Bull Run."

I snapped out of day dreaming about snogging Georgia (she is even invading my day dreams .naughty Sex Kitty) and looked up.

Emma rolled her eyes "Honestly, Dave, how are we going to get into the same Unis if you don't buckle down?"

She set the history book on my lap.

"Read chapter 13, pages 29 -52. I'm going to get us some tea. One lump or two?"

I checked under my covers then held up 2 fingers.

Emma rolled her eyes "Childish" and flounced out of the room.

Huh.

20 Seconds Later

Georgia would have thought it funny

9pm

I am only just done with my homework. Bloody Hell.

I think I have carpal tunnel syndrome. Maybe I can sue for cruel and unusual punishment?

Actually, I was writing a paper on Cruel and Unusual Punishments used during the French Revolution for History class

Maybe I should mention it to Mssr. Poissoine ? He is old enough to have lived through it all.

10pm

Emma wants to go to the flicks Friday night.

Huh.

I told (well, wrote) her I didn't know if I'd be well by then and she actually got MAD.

Then she tried to snog me!

She left upset when I tried to explain I was still hurting from the surgery SHE caused.

She yelled at me for a bit, about blaming it all on her (well,yes,actually I do) then went off.

Bloody mental.

9:45pm

Dating Emma is cruel and unusual punishment

Tuesday, January 25th

11am

Spending the day caring for Jacob as Mum worked at the shoppe.

Not going too bad so far, he is sitting and watched Japanime movies.

He lurrrves (there I go, talking like Gee again..) Totoro especially.

1pm

Went down for a nap but Jacob jumped on me "Biccies! Me want choccie biccies!"

I took him by the hand and showed him the empty tin but that wasn't enough.

2 Minutes Later

Bloody Hell, he wants me to MAKE them.

20 Minutes Later

This isn't too hard, considering I've a 4-year-old hanging on me trouser leg and I've never cooked before.

I am Jack le Biscuit making Biscuits.

I could have a TV show called le Biscuit , featuring me.

3 Minutes Later

And Gee could be my assistant in only heels and a thong.

Hmmmm ..

3pm

Got the cookies in and sent Jacob out on the trampoline so I have time to clean up the mess before Mum and Sissy get here.

Who would have thought a bag of flour can implode?

I guess it wouldn't have been so bad if the ceiling fan wasn't on.

4pm

Mum's here so am hiding in my room.

I got most of the flour off the ceiling. The rest will have to be scoured off.

I could hear Mum coming in down stairs "Davey I'm home-OH MY GOD what happened to the kitchen?"

"Davey boy make biccies!"

*sound of oven being opened*

*Lots of coughing and banging*

"Bloody Hell, Sissy, open the door, open the door! The pan is on fire!"

Hmmm maybe the cooking show is out then.

3 Minutes Later

Shame, Gee would look great cooking in only heels and a thong.

4pm

The Lads are here, along with Rosie, Ellen, Jas (etc).

And Emma.

Oh, damn.

First thing she did is come over and try to snog me, then she started tucking my duvet round my chin and clucking her tongue.

Like I am her son or something !

Tom and the rest were having a silent laughing fit behind her . I shot them Evils but they would not SHUT UP.

When Emma went for tea the Lads collapsed on my bed laughing.

Rollo minced up and tucked my duvet round my ears "Ohh, there you go dearie. We can do your homework, and then you can snog my bunions!"

I made to hit him with my history book but missed.

Rosie said 'We have news on the Ex-Snoggee front Davey Boy."

"She won't shut up about you for one thing."

I started to write but then Dec said "Yes, I know, Dave the Biscuit, bloody marvelous, pip pip."

I threw my pen at him.

Damn. I should have stuck it in my PANTS first at least, bloody waste.

Ellen dithered to life "She ..I mean like..Cameelious humps."

I looked at her. We all did.

She went beetroot and pulled out a paper and handed it to me.

I saw it was a poem and read it aloud er, to myself-::::

""Kiddies and grown ups too-oo-oo

If we haven't enough to do-oo-oo,

We get the hump,

Cameelious hump,

The hump that is black and blue""

I wiped a tear away. Bloody genius.

I looked up.

Tom put his hand on my shoulder "She's picked it to read to the Kindy folk."

I looked at him, questioningly.

Tom sighed and sat on the bed. "Don't you get it, mate?"

I looked up. Everyone was looking at me-bit unnerving, really.

"She's thinking about you, Dave." Jas said.

"A lot." Sophs added.

"Who does?"

Tom whirled round and Emma was at the doorway with a tray and cups.

OH BLOODY HELL and DAMN.

"You, like, I mean, like, girl friend?"

I noticed Tom stuffing the poem in his back pocket.

10pm,Bed (where else would I be?)

Emma seemed to believe Ellen's dithering because after that she fussed at me until I started doing my school work.

The Lads and the Ace Gang left round the same time but before they did Jas went in to hug me and whispered "She talks about you and misses you. More than you realize."

I think the Biscuit needs to start to prepare for his Big Startling Recovery.

Wednesday, January 26th

3pm

Drank loads and loads of tea today.

And I even tried speaking.

I can croak a little but that is a bout it.

I had that dream again.

I was at an airport and Robbie was there.

I said "I am waiting for my International PANTS."

But he just looked at me .

It was very freaky because he said "You're about to lose her."

"What? My PANTS?"

"Georgia."

"What's going to happen?"

"If you care for her, you'll listen."

And then he told me what was going to happen.

And what my mission in PANTS, erm, life is.

It's too weird to write down.

But I can say this, I am going to avoid Robbie as much as I can, now.

20 Minutes Later

Oh HELL I can't stop thinking about her.

Maybe I should ring her.

Just to say 'Hello?"

I went into the hall, to the phone, and dialed her number.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

2 Minutes Later

I slammed down the phone.

Why am I so bloody nervous?It's only Gee.

Bed

I don't think I can tell her.

If I do she will call me mad and throw something at me again.

And it does sound mad, predicting what I am.

I just hope I am not right.

33 Minutes Later

If Gee really has been talking about me and picking out poems about humps (I can just hear her saying "Oooer!" at that one) then there must be something there, right?

4 Minutes Later

Right?

5pm

No Emma today-she's got Band practice.

Tom, Rollo, Sven, Rosie, and Jas over to discuss Operation Georgia.

The plan is to get me and Gee together so I'll supposedly stop whinging on about Georgia.

Not that I do that.

12 Minutes Later

I just think about her around every 6 seconds or so.

I want to be with her so badly but I've treated her like crap.

I honestly can't blame her for being so cross with me.

8 pm

But I wish she wasn't.

Thursday, January 27th

9:35am

Feel good enough to take Emma to the cinema.

We're going after dark, and I rang Tom to make sure Gee isn't going to be any where in town, but he says Gee's mad granddad and Baldy-Gram stripper Uncle are in town to do renovations on their house, so she'll have her hands full (LEAVE it!).

Must prepare for tomorrow.

What am I going to say?

4 Minutes Later

What if I try to talk and can't, and can only croak?

She'll think I'm just taking the piss.

Ohhhhhhh God.

Why can't this be easy ?

25 Minutes Later

Rollo rang -he reckons he saw Robbie and Gee talking the other night.

I wonder what about?

Probably about how stupid it is to marry a Weed just cause she is up the duff.

It's probably not even his.

14 Minutes Later

I wonder if Robbie still feels anything for her?

They went out for a long, long time, albeit secretly?

Hmmmm.

I don't want to have another Fisticuffs At Dawn scenario, especially with my mate.

1 Minute Later

And, just for the record, the only reason I didn't kick Masimo's arse up between his ears is cuz I don't hit girls.

1 Hour Later

I don't believe this.

It's unbelievable, is why.

Sissy came in and sat on my bed.

But that's not the unbelievable part.

She said 'I know you're going through a rough time right now and I want to help, being your big sister and all."

I thought "No, no way am I telling Sissy EVERYTHING" but I did and now, you know, I feel a lot better.

She told me about Men are From Mars and Women Are From Venus.

She let me borrow her copy.

I was so cheered up I even let her paint my nails.

Nothing flash and homosexual- she is practicing for her beauty school initially did white with flowers at the tip but then I had her do them over in all black.

If anyone asks I can just say I was bored.

Or I have gangrene of the left-hand.

3 Minutes Later

DAMNIT AND BOLLOCKS.

I am left-handed!

There is NO way I am going to be able to hide this!

I am going to KILL my sister !

1pm

Well..

I just got the shock of my life.

Was scrubbing my fingernails with nail polish remover when Emma came in.

She was expelled from school, but she wouldn't tell me why.

Hmmm..probably from doing all her homework in time.

She is a sick,sick person.

So we're going to the cinema now.

Hopefully it will be out well before 3pm, when Latimer and Ridley gets out.

Bed, 7pm

Turns out Emma wanted to see a pirate movie.

As we walked out I said (well, croaked) "I am going to start wearing an eye patch and will only answer to Long PANTS Silver" but I don't think Emma got it as such.

The movie was over just as Gee's school let out so I pretended I wanted to go to Emma's.

Spent most of my time doing homework and snogging.

She lets me do , you know, things but I don't want to go as far as she does.

Not with her.

She is just..oh I don't know.

She's just not Georgia.

In the middle of snogging I jumped up "I have to go."

Emma looked cross so I told her I wasn't feeling well.

On the way home had to duck behind cars in case Georgia was in town.

34 Minutes Later

I haven't seen her in a while.

I wonder what she's been up to?

Friday, January 28th

3am

Woke up in a cold sweat-horrid dream.

I was at the airport, and Georgia was there, getting ready to leave, but not for Ireland during Summer hols. She was going away forever.

I tried to ask her "Why? Where are you going?' but every time I did my mouth would sort of grow up over itself and I was suffocating.

Woke up screaming out.

What was that all about?

If Gee leaves with out me being able to tell her I-well, how I fell for her, or even just bye I may very well go mad.

7am

Rang the Barmy Army to come round mine before school.

'What's new Dave? Please tell me it's not got to do with Georgia?""Well, actually-"

The all simultaneously did pretend-y throw up into their hands and groaned.

It would have been funny if it wasn't so bloody annoying.

I told them about my dream but they just said it was nerves.

Yes, right, that was helpful.

Not.

15 Minutes Later

I am actually quite nervous-I'm seeing Gee again tonight for the first time in, what, a month?

20 Minutes LaterSince the my birthday. December 21st so that's

2 Minutes Later

Oh, I don't know.

Math is too jangly for my brain.

It's been longer than a month, let's just put it that way.

No wonder I've been going spare.

4 Hours Later

OK, I have definitely lost my mind.

I have changed about 5845854945954 and gone threw EVERYTHING I own and I STILL can't find anything.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

I can't bloody well go in my nuddy-pants !

3 Minutes Layer

Or can I ?

1 Minute Later

No, definitely NOT.

3.15pm

The Barmy Army came round directly after school.

Tom TRIED to show me something they did in Physics today, bless him, but my mind wasn't on it.

At one point the stopped and looked at me "Are you lost?"

"No, Tom, I am thinking. Contrary to popular belief, I DO do that"

"About Georgia."

"Don't be dim."

"So yes then, you are."

I punched him in the shoulder and he hit me with my Physics book.

So I stood up and started beating him with my pillow until Sven tackled my legs and we fell over into a heap on the floor.

"I knew you were in a right state Dave, but this is just sad."

Robbie leaned against my doorway "Tom, you in that mass of heaving men love?"

Tom jumped up pink and flustered. Ha.

"Stop calling it that!"

I grinned at Robbie "Our love is one that dares to speak it's name!"

"SHUT UP!"

I put my arm round Tom's shoulder "Show we tell them now, Lover, of our undying love for each other? Our bodies pressed together, warm flesh to warm flesh.."

Tom shoved me off "OK OK SHUT UP!"

Sven leapt into Tom's arms "Kiss me, Kate!" and snogged him.

Right on the lips.

I've never seen Tom run so fast.

Dec watched him scarper from the window sill "Too bad he's not that fast in footie."

"All you have to do is set Sven on him."

"Yes, well, that will send any sane person running."

"Hence Rosie's appeal to him."

4pm

They've left to collect the girls.

And Georgia.

And I'm to be at Luigi's by..OH DEAR GOD right now!

Grabbed random shirt and PANTS and threw them on as I went out, nearly breaking my neck down the stairs.

As I passed her door, Sissy poked her head out "Go get 'em Tiger!" .

She must be watching Spiderman again She's obsessed, that girl. Especially with Tobey McGuire in a body-fitting suit..

OH GOD JUST HAD A FLASH OF HOMOSEXUALITY ..MUST THINK MACHO THOUGHTS

Footie . Men sweating, shorts, rugby OH DEAR GOD PLEASE DO NOT SPAZ AND LOSE IT NOW!

Not when I am so close!

10 Minutes Later

Ran into Costa's and she wasn't even there yet, phew.

The Ace Gang and Barmy Army had pushed three tables together in the back and were sitting there talking.

They waved me over and told me what to do.

10 Minutes Later

Hiding behind a menu with a spare cappuccino.

I can't believe I am doing this.

My heart feels ready to jump out my mouth.

Rollo asked me before they left ""What are you going to do ?"'Close my eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream. That's how I get by. "

Rollo scoffed "That explains a lot."

"The trouble with me, I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it. "

5 Minutes Later

Does she really think of me that much?

What if she doesn't?

What if ..oh God what if I pour hot cappu down my front?

Or accidentally poo myself?

Oh,. GOD.

Did I remember to wear PANTS?

1 Minute Later

OH MY GOD AM I WEARING TROUSERS?

3 Minutes Later

Was double checking I had trousers on, and didn't even see her come in.

I heard her talking though.

"So what's the big news?"

*PAUSE*

"So, what's the goss?"

I heard Jas say "Do you want a cappu?"

'Well, I-"

That's my cue!

Real quietly I stood up and came behind her.

She looked soo gorgeous, even from behind.

She had her hair all done up.

And I could smell her perfume.

But not in a bad way.

Oh GOD. What am I doing? I have a girlfriend who is nice to me (when she's not pushing me down a flight of stairs). This was a bad idea.

I turned round but then Robbie looked at me and said "About time Mate"

Gee sort of dithered, then she turned round.

She saw me, and it was like when I first saw her.

Only she looked really really good. Mature, but not old, but ..Oh, I don't know.

She stared at me then shot out of her chair and hugged me, nearly bowling me over.

I set the cappu down on a spare table then hugged her back, wrapping my arms around her and burying my nose in her hair she smelled and felt SO good.

She must have realized she still wasn't talking to me because she leapt away, but then she started babbling on "How are you? When did you get released? I mean, If I'd known-

"I'm sorry, I mean, I didn't-".

Hmm same old Georgia.

I held up one finger and she raised an eye brow.

So I did too.

She raised her other eyebrow so I did too.

She grinned and did a little dance so . I did too.

She laughed and reached out and touched my arm.

It was like lightning.

I dug out a pencil and paper in my pocket.

What can I say?

OH GOD.

I think my brain has fallen out.

And..yep I peeked and Gee is watching me.

I have to pretend to write SOMETHING so she won't think I've gone barmy.

BUT WHAT DO I WRITE?

35 Seconds Later

I ended up just writing 'Hi' and handing it to her.

She read it, puzzled, then looked at me.

I smiled cheerily (well, as I could) and waved.

She hit me in the shoulder.

Cor, I missed that.

"You're mad."

I took the paper and wrote : "YOU'RE mad."

"No, you're mad!"

I took it and wrote "Mad about my gorgeousnosty and incredible sexynosity."

She read it and biffed me one "No I am not!"

I mouthed "Oh Yes." to her.

She tried to biff me again but I grabbed her arms and pinned them down across her chest.

Our faces were about 2 centimeters apart.

Talk about intense snogging frustration.

But then some fools in Herring Hats (DON'T ask. Apparently that is what we are going to wear to the Viking and Viking Bride's wedding) anyways they all went "Awwwww!"

We leapt away from each other like Herrings but she didn't take her eyes off mine.

I could tell she wanted to you know, say SOMETHING.

OH GOD.

I just wanted to tell her how much I miss her.

She blinked a couple times then turned and put her coat on.

I wrote her a note.

She read it then looked at me ""Where am I going? We're having an early supper."

I wrote : "Can I walk you?"She smiled (!) "Sure."

I winked at Robbie and followed her out.

6 Minutes Later

As soon as we were out she was all chatty again.

She was saying "Hahah, did you SEE their faces? They didn't know what to say! Oh,er,sorry."

I winked at her and held out my hand to hold.

She looked at it like it was broccoli.

What? What?

I looked at my hand then at her but she STILL didn't get it.

I did a little jig of frustration and Georgia laughed a bit "Did you just stamp your foot? I thought only girls did it on TV."

So I stuck my tongue out at her.

12 Minutes Later

When we got to hers she didn't really want me coming in but she did and we went up to her room.

Well, her sister's room.

Libby was busy in Gee's room doing who-knows-what.

Gee led me to Lib's room.

But she was all nervy and twitchy, like Caretaker McKnob (not really his name, but he's Scottish and a ginger knob-head) when we put a scorpion down his caretaker's dungarees.

I smiled at her but she went "Would you like some cocoa?" then ran off before I could even answer.

Hmmmm.

1 Minute Later

There's a photo album on the desk.

I suppose there's no harm looking through it, is there?

3 Minutes Later

There's mainly pictures of cats and what I have a suspicion is poo.

2 Minutes Later

There's quite a bit of Gee in here too. She must really love her big sister.

Was putting the album backed when noticed a photo on the desk-it was Gee and Libs, both in Easter Bunny costumes.

Hmm Gee looks vair cuddly as a bunny. Love the cottontail.

Gee was holding Libby. She must have been about one.

Gee came in with a tray.

I set the picture down and we sat on the bed.

She looked at me but she looked a bit peaky.

"Alright?"

She looked a bit sick.

Hmmm.

Well, no delaying the inevitable I reckon.

12 Minutes Later

I tried writing but everything I've written comes off cheesy.

Read what I had so far:

"Do you know what it's like getting up every morning for me? Feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man. But, at the same time hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you. To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love; but then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love; to be happy then is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy; therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. "

Right, that should erm, get it all out there (Ooer).

I tossed it to her-and it landed in her cocoa!

Incredible!

It splashed up over her shirt (Hmmm white shirt too) and she jumped up ,spazzing out all over the place.

She looked like she had a poo explosion all down her front.

I tried-God, I tried- but I had to laugh.

She looked gorgey and mad all at the same time, her hair all about and worried about her clothes.

I'll never understand girls and their clothes obsession.

Same with the Handbag Horse.

I mean, he wore SUITS.

What a git.

1 Minute Later

Gee has gone to change. I tried to follow to 'help' but she wouldn't have any of it.

Damn.

5 Minutes Later

Now what?

1 Minute Later

Sit here and wait for her, I suppose.

2 Minutes Later

Still not back.

I may as well make myself comfortable.

3 Minutes Later

Lay back on the bed with my eyes closed when I heard the door open. I thought it was Gee so I sat up, but it was Libby.

She was in a ballerina outfit, and had a pink handbag.

Sweet.

"Hi."

"Hi. Are you Gee's boyfwend?"

"Well, no we're just mates."

She grinned. Scary.

'Good, we snoggle now!"

Snoggle? What?

But then she tried to snog me.

I jumped up. Oh dear God I am being attacked by a toddler.

I fended her off with a hockey stick (why is this in HER room?) and cast about for something to distract her. My eye fell on her handbag.

"Libby, what is that you've got?"

She smiled "It's naiiiice" and sat on the floor "Sit with me ,bad botty boy!"

24 Minutes Later

Libby kept trying to snog me (ERLACK) so I had to promise to be her Barbie only to get her to stop.

She was just finishing my lippy (Mmmmm Spearmint flavor!) when Gee came in.

Uh oh.

Now how am I going to explain this?

I am trying a new look?

2 Seconds Later

I am practicing to be big girl?

Yes-that is it.

I wrote that and handed to Gee.

15 Minutes Later

Gee stopped laughing long enough to send Libby away then literally dragged me to her room (!).

I think she nearly pulled my arm out of it's socket.

I like it rough, har har.

She had her hair all up.

Phwoar.

It took all my strength to not just leap up and snog her within an inch of her life.

"You look sexy. Hot date?"

She read that and went pink, tee hee.

I tried to laugh but it just hurt.

She came over and sat next to me. "Now what?"

I pointed at her bag and raised my eyebrow.

"My overnight bag. Mum said I could go to Jas'."

Wrote :

"Yes but that is where you are wrong, SexKitty;YOU are coming home with ME."

She looked at me. "And what makes you think I am mad enough to do that?"

Funnily enough, that is exactly when her Libby came tapping at the door.

"Georgieee,Ginger,Mummie wants you."

'Go away Libs."

'No! You stoled my boyfwend you dirty tosser twat!"

Good Lord, where does she learn these things?

3 Seconds Later

Never mind

Then her MUM knocked on the door "Georgia, are you in there?"

"No."

" Libby says you have a boy with you."

Oh Dear God.

"No Mum it's erm,Jas, she has cut her fringe herself so now she looks like Henry the 8th."

'Why can't you girls leave yourselves alone? Well, come Eddie wants to take us to his show and I want to meet this new fancy boy of yours. Maybe he'll want to come along with to your uncle's gig?'

Oh Poor Gee, her family is the maddest thing I've ever seen.

Mum looked round at me. She was all panicky, just about to have a nervy b.

I got a whatsit-a flash (LEAVE it, you !).

Wrote:

"OUT THE WINDOW THEN?"

"NO, no no way."

Gee's Mum tapped at the door again.

Gee looked at the door then back to me.

Well, where I was .

I'd done sneaking over and opening the window and was well on my way out.

Gee gasped.

"Dave, NO ! You've only just got out of surgery!" and tried to pull me in.

I gently pushed her hand away, then leaned out

PLEASE God if I miss please don't let Gee see. Or at least make sure I die fast before everyone comes round and laughs at me.

I jumped to the tree and incredibly I made it.

I grinned back at Gee but she was still being a bit of a div at the window.

Now what?

"You're beyond mad, you are .are.."

I leaned over and held out my hand.

It's now or never .

Took a breath "Do you trust me?"

She looked at me and I sort of felt everything fall away, like I was falling out the tree, but I wasn't.

I just felt so. ..calm.

"Do you trust me?"

For a second I thought she was going to say 'No.'

Or push me.

But then she said yes and took my hand.

7 Minutes Later

She threw her bag out then I helped her out.

I had to hold her round the waist.

It made me all .well, you can guess.

But I don't think she even noticed.

I am just a mate to her, after all.

GOD.

GOD GOD GOD.

She jujued her hair.

Good Lord even when she does that and (accidentally, I am sure) makes her hair stand on end I STILL go melty.

And I am even talking like her.

This is B-A-D BAD!

"So now what?"

She was all smiley.

12 Minutes Later, Outside Jas'

Somehow I used my Biscuitosity skills and convinced her to come round to mine.

Must stop at Jas' first, make sure all bases are covered, etc.

3 Minutes Later

Watching Gee throw rocks at Jas' window.

She has great form.

Gee I mean, not Jas.

Erghh.

5 Minutes Later

Was holding up score cards, like the Olympics scoring each of Georgia's throws.

She was laughing so hard she wasn't paying attention and beaned Jas in the middle of her forehead.

"Georgia, why aren't you with Dave?"

Typical.

She probably thinks I've chickened out or something !

2 Minutes Later

OK, I did but not on purpose-I wrote what I was going to tell her, but it fell into her cocoa.

So that must count for something.

Jas invited her in.

I get the feeling Jas would not be very pleased to see me.

She is worried more about veggies and owls then anything else.

And Tom told me if I told her he's not coming back to England he'd string me up by the balls.

So I am trying to avoid the pair of them as much as possible.

So that is why , as Jas went to get a plaster for her forehead (ahahah) I did sneaky-sneaky in.

Gee looked at me a bit weird, but what else is new?

And I can't tell her WHY I am , vis- -vis Tom and his Owl Problems. I know Gee and I also know Gee can NOT keep a secret, especially from 'Radio Jas' (her words, NOT mine).

6 Minutes Later

Poking around Jas' room.

I found her diary.

It was in a desk drawer labeled 'diary'. (really).

Holy Hell she is organized.

Gee just showed me her knickers (no no no, I mean Jas' knickers. No, OH MY GOD, I mean she opened up JAS' drawer and showed me JAS' knickers).

They are labeled according to the day of the week.

How sad.

I handed Gee the diary and started moving her knickers round Jas knickers I mean..Ermmmmm the ones in her drawer I mean ! LEAVE IT!

4 Minutes Later

Georgia looked up at me and said, a bit breathlessly, "Dave, for that long?"

I pulled her to me.

I looked at her eyes and felt the stuff I am supposed to feel-swooshes and so on-but then Fringey had to ruin it all and came into her room.

I shoved the diary in a drawer and jumped in the closet.

Sneaky, sneaky.

10 Seconds Later

There is a bucket of pond scum in here.

WHY?

20 Seconds Later

The mental image I got from that was not at all flattering.

I can hear the girls talking :

"Hi best matey."

"What do you want Georgia? Tom and I are going for a walkabout and I've to pack."

"It's about Dave."

"Yes well that's a first. Where did you two get up to anyways?"

Gee left for the loos.

Why?

I opened the door a crack and peeked out.

Jas sat on her bed and started labeling her knickers.

What a weed.

1 Minute Later

Oh dear God she's snogging a picture of Tom.

Erlack and yet strangely turning me on.

1 Minute Later

I wonder if Gee does that to my picture?

50 Seconds Later

Does she even have a picture of me?

I know she has a picture of Robbie..

OH DEAR GOD that mental image is NOT needed.

Stepped back and ran into the bucket.

Damn.

2 Minutes Later

And I REALLY REALLY hope Tom doesn't really rub his erm, private parts with mud.

4 Minutes Later

Was trying to remove THAT mental image when Gee came back in.

Jas shoved the picture under a pillow.

How sad.

I must remember to check under Gee's pillow next time I am there.

Gee was saying, "Why are you doing that? In case your feet go off on their own, and get lost? Are you going to attach a little map and compass too? They may need snacksies, if they are going to go off on their own you know."

She's so funny. Jas didn't think so, though.

"THEY'RE BLOODY SOCKS, GEORGIA."

"My my aren't we a bit touchy?"

That set Jas off and she went all pink and started crying.

Gee sat on Jas bed. I noticed she shoved off a few owls, but not the Owl Queen herself.

'I'm sorry, It's just -he's leaving in a month, right after the wedding. He'll be gone for a whole month, can you believe it?"

"Well, yes, actually. That is what Robbie did."

She looked up at Georgia.

Her nose was all pink and her eyes were puffy and red. She looked like an owl with vair bad allergies.

"What does Robbie has to do with anything?"

And Gee said "Robbie wants to have a talk"

WHAT?

When did he say that?

He KNOWS I am trying to patch things up with her, bloody snake.

"How do you feel about him then, over Dave?"

OH MY GOD.

I pressed my ear against the crack (LEAVE it) but Gee didn't have time to answer because the doorbell rang and Jas' mum called up the stairs 'Georgia, love, it's for you, that nice Jennings boy."

20 Minutes Later

Mad whirlwind of makeup and fluffy hair.

Georgia looks gorgeous as she is. Why does she do that to herself?

I hate to admit it but I watched her put on her lippy.

It was like everything went slow.

She means everything to me.

If I lost her one more time I don't know what I'd do.

I looked down at my wrist and realized I was tracing the lines.

I drew my sleeves down and sat on a box, then leapt up quick when the box moved and started ribbiting.

Bloody Tom and his bloody frogs.

Looked round and for a minute couldn't see Gee-and started to panic.

Oh, God.

The Biscuit is losing his edge.

But then I saw her going out the door, behind Jas.

I caught Gee's eye and winked and she shrugged back at me.

Hmmm .

3 Minutes Later

Jas followed Gee to the door so I had a chance to nip up to Jas' room. It overlooks the wall. I figure if I open the window a crack I could eavesdr-erm, 'accidentally overhear' everything that Robbie and Gee say.

"Robbie."

Why is she talking proper, like a Cockney maid?

I don't even think he noticed.

"Georgia, there is something I really need to tell you."

'Do you want to go for coffee then?"

"No, Lindsay is waiting for me at home. She's leaving for her Grandparents for a few weeks-they're very sick."

She probably doesn't even know he's escaped her slimy octopus clutches .

'We could wait till after then? So Lindsay doesn't, you know, kill me or anything. That may put a damper on things, Ireland-wise."

Silly girl .

Robbie looked down at his feet. Huh, he got new footie shoes.

"I know, but I don't think it can wait."

He sat down on the garden wall and Gee was sat next to him.

They stared up at the stars.

I felt myself falling to sleep but then Robbie said ""When I went to New Zealand, I could never stop thinking about you."

Oh God, not him too?

I could visibly see Gee spazzing. "Uhmmmm."

Does she like him too?

OH DEAR LORD.

What if I over thought it all, and she was just being nice?

I -I -I can't breathe.

I jumped down from the sill and tore open Jas' door, to see her standing there

"Move Vole"

She crossed her arm "What are you doing in my room?"

"Knitting. Nuclear Physics. Now MOVE!" but she wouldn't.

I had to physically move her out of the way.

Dashed down stairs and slammed the door open.

Robbie jumped up and Gee fell off the wall.

Good.

No, I didn't mean that, I-

OH I DON'T KNOW.

Robbie helped Gee up but looked at me a bit gunny.

Why?

He KNOWS I making a try for Gee.

Why would he ?

"Were you with Dave?"

I looked at Gee and she looked at me.

I could see tears in her eyes.

Good.

I turned on my heel and started off down the street.

30 Minutes Later, The Park

Walked and walked and ended up here.

I can't believe it's like this.

2 Minutes Later

Well, no actually I can.

I guess I was right- I am going to never have her after all.

I took out my knife and traced my wrist.

I hurt so much.

Who would notice if I made a cut-just one little cut?

I've not done it for so long ever since the whole Masimo and Hamburger-a-no no no, I mean America fiasco.

That was nearly a year ago.

What difference would one little cut make ?

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

The therapist said to close my eyes and count to ten-count ten things GOOD with my life.

OK

1) I have a marvy yet mad little brother who looks up to me like a hero (like he should!)

2) I have a sister who is, well, OK let's just say I have a sister

3) I have a Mum who loves me

4) Uhm I have mates.

2 Seconds Later

Who steals the girl I love (I do, don't I?) when he KNOWS I want her as bad as I do.

1 Minute Later

I traced the knife across my vein.

"Down the street. Not across the tracks."

3 Minutes Later

Sitting under a tree.

I don't feel any different.

Maybe I should do it again?

It took me 4 cuts last time to feel any release.

I took my knife out and traced the cut, over and over.

Then I felt my face got all hot.

I touched my face and when I took it away it was wet from tears.

3 Seconds Later

Why doesn't she love me?

Why doesn't she want me like I want her?

Then I heard her come by.

I knew it was her because of her perfume.

I stepped out of the shadows. When she saw me she jumped and backed away a little.

Why?

Did she think I was going to hurt her like that Homosexualist bastard?

"What took you so long?"

"Well, I -Jas and her fringe, and Robbie-"

"Ah"

Of course.

Robbie.

"Ah what?"

"You never stop, do you?"

"Dave, we need to stop this. I don't-I mean, I don't think I ..you know "

I looked at her. "What Georgia?"

"Why can't we just be mates, you know, have a laugh, like old times?"

"Is that really what you want?"

She threw up her hands and sat down on a swing. "I don't know what I want anymore."

Ha. You're telling me, mate

I came up and stood near her.

20 Seconds Later

I don't think she even knows how I feel.

I don't think she ever did, now .

"The problem is I know what I want but I also know that I'll never get it and I have to accept the fact."

She looked up and round to me "What are you going to do then?"

"I got accepted to 'Harvard. It's a uni in Hamb-erm, America."

'Oh well that's great, Dave!"

She smiled but it was so obvs fake.

'Yeah, Dad wanted me to be doctor, and then he died so I guess it's up to me."

"That's a top school, innit? Jas tells me all the time about useless stuff about the other day she was naming the top universities of Germany and I had to literally stuff my dirty Sports sock in her big gob to shut her even then she kept going."

"She does get carried away, doesn't she?"

"She should be."

That made me laugh. But then I remembered my arms and stuck my hands in my pockets.

I don't know why I bother- she is so into herself. I knew I should have seen that earlier but I guess I was too stupid and blindeded to.

I mean, she's getting involved with Robbie.

Who is marrying Lindsay.

"Georgia, I have to tell you this, I don't think you know what you are getting yourself into, with Robbie."

"Robbie?"

"Yes, your 'Sex God'

"Well, he's just a mate." she sniffed.

Huh.

"Like us?' I muttered but she heard and looked at me "What?"

"Georgia, I think we should just, end it."

"We did, remember you chose Emma ?"

"Yes then she pushed me down the stairs but she apologized for it.A lot."

She looked at me and all of a sudden I felt really nervous.

"We -we're back together."

"You are? Even after she-like-What?"

"You're not turning into Ellen are you? Anyway, I thought it unfair, the way I was treating her, so we're starting new, pretending it didn't happen. WE didn't happen."

" She doesn't know you're talking to me, does she?"

Huh, score one for Gee .

"And that's why you've been hiding in the shadows?"

Maybe not.

'Well-" I self-consciously put my hands behind my back.

"I see."

"She's good to me. And she bakes."

"That's not normal."

"I know you joke but it really maybe you'll find someone good for you."

"Yes,well,I-I've to go" and she ran off.

What, why?

3 Minutes Later

Probably expecting a call from Robbie.

I'm going home.

14 Minutes Later

No one in when I got home, thank GOD.

I don't think I could stand to listen to Sissy saying how 'I'm too immature', 'She sounds like a right tart', etc.

I just want to crawl into a corner and die.

On the way I saw Mark who flipped me two fingers.

He must still be upset I kicked his arse over Gee that one time.

Though, if I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.

Bed

4 messages from the guys, mainly about footie.

And one from Sven. I think he asked me to marry him. I'm not quite sure.

The last one was from Robbie.

"Hey, listen Dave, about earlier we have to talk. I been having these dreams. Well they aren't really dreams, they are more like nightmares. Anyways, I'll ring you later. S'laters."

Bed

Laying in bed but I can't sleep.

I am glad, though. It just means I won't have that damned dream again.

I have the curtains open a bit and can see out, but all I see is black-vair dark out.

It's like that one song-you know :

Doowop dooby doo doowop doowah doolangBlue days black nights doowah doolang I look into the sky, the love you need ain't gonna see you through And I wonder why the little things you planned ain't coming true Oh oh Telephone Line, give me some time, I'm living in twilightOh oh Telephone Line, give me some time, I'm living in twilight

Good God now I really am depressed.

I think I'll go for a walk.

Cutting hasn't stopped me from thinking of her even.

Out

Walked and walked.

Very cold out. Thank God I wear long sleeves now to hide you know.

No one else is out so I can at least think.

3 Minutes Later

And, of course, all I can think of is her.

HELL.

Later

Wandered round, not really paying attention to where I was going until I recognized the house I was standing outside of -Georgia's.

No lights are on, and it's too dark for anyone to see me.

I took out my knife and idly traced the tip down my wrist.

Then I saw what I was doing and put it away (Ooer the knife, I mean!).

Maybe if I sit out here I will be able to sleep, knowing I am at least near her.

Saturday, January 29th

9am

Woke up in the dirt outside Georgia's.

I had The Dream again last night: Robbie, airport, etc.

Only this time he told me I couldn't delay the inevitable.

Also in my dream, he says the sooner I let go and say 'Bye' to her the sooner all her and mine pain will end.

What does that mean?

I am not quite sure but it means something particularly nasty is going to happen to her.

And I don't want to let her go.

Not now.

Teatime

Robbie rang.

"Dave? You sound a bit-off."

Yeah, let me pretend to be your mate then snog the girl you like behind your back..oh, wait, I already did.

I wonder if this is how Robbie felt when he found out?

"You-you can't come to my Fabbaloontastic Comeback gig."

"Why?"

"You can't. I can't say goodbye, not to her."

He started to say 'What?" but I hung up and unplugged the phone so he couldn't ring back.

I feel bad- he is my mate after all-but still.

He stole Gee away.

I don't think I could stand telling her goodbye.

I've tried calling her all day but every time she answers I slam the phone down.

Arghhh what is wrong with me ?

Why can't this be easy?

Kitchen

Went downstairs for munchies. Jacob was playing Pokemon with another toddlery folk.

She stood up and smiled then I realized who it was. Libby, Georgia's little sister.

"Davey boy! Gives us a snog"

"No not right now Libby. So, er, does Gee talk about me?She crossed her eyes "Ginger is mean tosser tart."

Hmmmmm..

I could have told her that.

Unfortunately Libby decided to snog my leg.

She only went off when Josh tried to sneak out the door.

4pm

Tom texted for Footie In The Park After Dark I guess there's a gig tonight and everyone's going to wear those snap stick lights and play footie in the park.

In their PANTS.

Girls too.

Hmmm .

Bed

Mum brought me dinner in bed (!). :pasta in Avogadro sauce with broccoli, chicken and carrots. corn soup, and mash.

Hhmmm...

As Mum was setting my tray up she said in what she probably thinks is a casual way "Cissy told me about Georgia."

Oh, DAMN !

After an hour of The Talk she finally went off.

Bloody sisters.

Sunday, January 30th

11am

Didn't go to the gig last night-the thought of Gee getting off with someone else was too much to stand.

Didn't even sleep last night.

I guess my insomnia is coming back, too.

I even watched movies with Cissy, some girly movie. It had the word PANTS in title so I thought it would be good.

But it wasn't.

And yet I watched about 30 movies with Cissy again today, and they were ALL wedding-related.

I think she did that on purpose.

While she was changing discs she said casually "So how's it going with Gee, then?"

Oh, GOD.

I said "I've homework to do."

So now, sadly, I am in my room doing homework.

4 Minutes Later

Who ever thought up Latin must have a grand time, giggling to himself as he changed the rules for each verb ,

(such as the Vitamin E Rule).

2 Minutes Later

In his Olds' basement, where he lives.

20 Minutes Later

Can't concentrate. Tried playing WoW, and blasting Linkin Park but that didn't work.

All it did was make me more depressed.

GOD.

GOD GOD GOD.

WHY CAN'T THIS BE EASY?

Banged my head on the wall till Cissy poked her head through my door "If you are going to kill yourself can you do it quietly?"

"Can you just kill your self so I won't have to Cissy?"

She yelled 'and stop calling me Cissy!" and slammed out.

I guess her boyfriend, Michael 'The Hands' Hanson hasn't rung.

Welcome to the Party, only knobs and loners need apply.

Holy Hell and good night.

40 Minutes Later

Can't sleep.

Switched off my lights and put a blanket over my head but still couldn't. I even tried putting a pillow over my head so maybe I could inhale the cover and suffocate to death but that didn't work (obvs.)

40 Minutes Later

Made a cardboard guillotine and set my self in it, for my history project.

I was making sure it was to scale, and was on my knees when Siss-erm, Mariyah walked by

"Stop being so dramatic. She'll come round."

I yelled "Thanks SISSY!"

Had to duck her shoe.

She is so senselessly violent.

34 Minutes Later

Reduced to playing Pirates with Josh.

We made a fort out of cardboard boxes and I even made bottles of Rum (Gatorade) by wrapping bottles in brown paper with a skull and crossbones and 'Rum' on it.

31 Minutes Later

Was ducked down shooting T-Rexes (Josh says they lived in Never Neverland and ate Tinkerbells..he's mad that one) when someone knocked on my hat.

Thinking it was Mariyah I stood, saying "Arrr hands off me booty!"

Tom, Dec, Rollo, Sven and James were stand there.

CRAP.

Park

Dragged out for footie in the park against my will.

Dec's older bro, Daren was there from Cambridge for the weekend.

I noticed the girls bobbing behind a bush, applying makeup and so on.

Bloody great.

"I don't think I can do this."

"Yes well I know you're not the best footie player."

I tried to slug him but he danced out of my way, bloody git.

Tom followed my gaze and put his arm round my shoulder.

"Get off, homo."

He lifted an eyebrow. "No 'playing hard to get'? You must really be feeling bad.

I shrugged and went and sat under a tree.

1 hour,45 Minutes Later

The Lads won.

I'd like to say it's for our (well, their) superior footie skills but no, during a goal dispute Sven lifted the other guy and snogged him right on the mouth.

And I think there was a bit of tongue.

Erlack.

Went to some Mexican place for dinner.

We didn't get to eat, though. We were kicked out and I am pretty sure banned for life after Sven decided the Mariachis needed dancing lesson.

I don't think Sven doing high-kicks was what did it, though.

Or the incident with the chorizo down his PANTS ..

1 Minutes Later

I hope we are not seriously going to be footed the bill for the Chihuahua's therapy sessions.

Bed

Walking through town alone, minding my own business when I saw Gee come out of a restaurant followed by Robbie.

Unbe-bloody-lievable !

How can she?

I mean, really?

5 Minutes Later

OK, OK I KNOW we aren't officially dating.

But still.

10 Minutes Later

Does she still really rate him that much?

What has HE got that I haven't got?

Could he be a better snogger?

45 Minutes Later

Hahahaha, yeah right if the past is anything to go by!

I am, after all, Jack the Biscuit, and like that one song says, Ain't No Mountain High Enough Is Gonna Get Me Down' !

3 Minutes Later

Or something like that.

I think I feel good enough to eat a bit of something.

5 Minutes Later

Yum Yum , Ready Brek.

10 Seconds Later

I have been reduced to being excited about cereals.

Something good happen to me soon, please, God.

Sven was telling me about some porn mags he wanted to give me but I wasn't really paying attention.

I've had enough girls for now.

3 Minutes Later

Not that I am turning Homosexualist.

Or ever WILL.

Snogging or touching any other guy is erghhhh.

20 Minutes Later

Gee one time asked me what the difference was, homosexualness and slapping each other on the arse after a good match.

I said "Slapping each other is a sign of machoness, saying we ARE the men."

"By touching everyone else's' butts?""Yes, well, there are never usually girls round. And grabbing the frontal bits will, well, hurt and no one wants to go through that."

I don't think she got it, as such.

9pm,Bed

I have been thinking and thinking about anything BUT Georgia (or her butt for that matter..hmmm).

and here are 10 things that I came up with :

1. Free porn...is NEVER free.

2. What is the point of nose hair?

3. I've spent more time this year on math homework than with my mates.

4. Ditto Latin.

5. And Physics

6 And History.

7. I can hear the dog, a border collie, drinking out of the toilet.

8. I have dead flies splattered and dried to almost a concrete form on my window.

9. And yet I still don't care to clean them off.

10. We all think it would be cool if money grew on trees, something the famous expression denies, but in reality, if money DID grow on trees, inflation would be a bitch and the money would be worth nothing.

11.I think I've gotten diabetes over the past few days, surviving solely on cereal and blue Gatorade.

12. Whoever invented blue Gatorade deserves to be knighted.

13. The last person who snogged me was 4 and mad.

14. I need a hobby.

1:45am

Couldn't sleep so went on another walk.

I found a perfect song for how I feel:

Let me silently acquiesce

I've strained and snapped under the stress

Let my thoughts become a mantra

As I crumble in the night

Let my darkest, worst desires

Fuel the raging, heated pyres

As mind becomes inferno

And I erupt in the night

Let the blade not make me fear

Let my horrid thoughts be clear

They might repulse you, normal you

But they're all I've got to hold on to

You place yourselves above me

Think you're lucky not to be me

Think that something must be wrong

To incite such hatred in my being

Perhaps it's you who needs rejection

You need a biting, stinging injection

Of toxic ridicule and derision into

The veins of your consciousness

Maybe then you would know why

I think that everything should die

I'd rid the world of all its filth

And let the process start anew

My thoughts are interrupted by my body's need for sleep

Perhaps you're lucky, for you don't have to peer into me so deep

I am not your Prince Charming, never have been, never will

I am me, the ever-hating, and I bid you all good night

Just wandered around, listening to that and Hybrid Rainbow:

((I'm laid back, I watch the sky

As clouds go floating by

It's so nice to take a break

And rest my eyes

Do you see that cloud right there?

I think it kinda looks a bit like you

We should go

Back to the field

And watch them all

I'm done shedding

My tears for you

It's not like

I hate you

I should just let go

And only think

Of all the fun that we had

CAN'T YOU SEE?

CAN YOU KNOW MY HEART IS SCREAMING?

I BURN

FOR YOU

BUT I CAN'T FIX THE PAST

SO I'LL CARRY FORWARD

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED

Truly you brought joy to me

All the times we laughed so carefree

Now echoes inside my thoughts

And fills my dreams

I loved you then

As I do now

You're my drug

You're my high

But my addiction

Won't hold me back

I threw the syringe away

CAN'T YOU SEE?

WHAT YOUR ABSENCE HAS DONE TO ME?

COULD YOU KNOW

THAT YOU

WOULD RIP ME TO SHREDS AND FREEZE MY SPIRIT

WHEN YOU WERE GONE

Can't you see?

Couldn't you have stopped yourself then?

How could you

Not know

That the person who hurt you most

Needed you?

Where are you?

What do you see when you look down?

Is the world

So big

That you can't come look for me, just once

And talk to me ))

I don't know why but again I ended up under Gee's window.

Her light was off.

I wonder if she's dreaming about Robbie?

Or me?

I looked down and realized I was tracing my wrist with my knife again.

I better remember to wear long sleeves tomorrow.

Monday, January 31st

8am, Assembly

Bushed this ,morning.

Took my usual place in line and the Barmy Army all looked at me but they didn't say anything.

Pray God no one puts two-and-two together and realize I am slowing going mad over a girl.

Jack the Biscuit can NOT go mad over a girl.

It's bad for my reputation as 100% verified Universal Stud.

9am

History

Mock American trials today.

I am the judge and have to wear a poncey wig.

Tom, Rollo and so on will NOT let it go.

I don't think I look too bad, if it wasn't white. And there were more curls.

2 Minutes Later

CRAP CRAP and bollocks.

Dec caught me looking at myself in my wig in the mirror.

He said "Hello Ginger." only he said it in a 'Ooooh Get you!" sort of way.

Must remind myself to kill him later.

There goes my 100% verified Universal stud status.

Must find a way to re-new it.

Lunk,Canteen

Fried chicken for lunch.

So naturally there were loads of lame titches making rudey-dudey breast jokes.

I doubt they've even seen one (and their mum's or grandmum's doesn't count).

I stuck two down my shirt, outwards "Brr it's nippy noodles out!"

Everyone laughed and carried on, as usual.

In fact I even heard one of the Uppers say 'Same old Dave."

Hmmm.

No one noticed I used one of Gee's phrases, I don't think.

Physics

Rollo had to be taken to Casualty for getting two Fritos up his nose so I've been stuck with Tom.

Great, more ramblings about voles.

And 'feelings.'

If he says "Dave, Jas and I have a really deep, meaningful relationship' one more time I am going to stab him to death with a piezoelectric Igniter (we're making clip motors).

10 Minutes Later

As we stripped copper wires Tom said "Dave, Jas and I have a really deep, meaningful relationship."

I said 'I WARNED you." and smacked him with my clipboard and held him down to poke his eye with the igniter.

Professor Huxley eventually pulled me off and sent me to Headmaster C^^kSucker.

Really his name is CookStocker but after one of the Upper Sixths last year caught him doing things we've given him a new name.

At any rate, as I went and sat Mr C^^kSucker looked up and, seeing me, groaned.

"Oh, God, not you again."

Hmm pleasant.

"I thought you missed having our little chats."

He buried his face in his hands "Now what've you done? If it involves bangers and loos I may very well expel myself on permanent leave."

"Yes, well tempting as that is I am just here because I missed you."

He looked at me.

"Ok, I told Tom Jennings if talked about 'feelings' and 'meaningful relationships' again I'd shove a piezoelectric Igniter up his left nostril."

"And ?"

"He did."

Latin

I've been told off but not really punished. I think he is afraid punishing me or expelling me will only compel me to do naughty things (ooer, his words not mine!) again.

And it has.

The first thing Tom said was "Do you need a hug?"

AND HE TRIED TO HUG ME!

I beat him off with my clipboard.

What is with Tom lately?

What is it with you lately, mate?"

"Wot do ya mean?"

"You're acting a bit "

"Queer" Dec added in.

I nodded "Yes, that."

"I've just come realize, Dave I LOVE YOU!"I jumped up "Get off get off, eurgghhh."

I turned round and everyone was busting out laughing, even Tom.

Break

Laying on the playground. No one messes with us. I'd like to say it is because we are the Cocks of the Walks, but no, it's going round now I am Tom's secret lover.

Damnit.

Rollo said "Did you do your LA homework, Mrs. Tom Jennings?"

"1-Shuddup. 2-Sadly, I did. Ultra sadly, I don't remember doing it."

Rollo still wanted to copy anyways.

2 Minutes Later

Rollo handed my paper back.

'I can't copy this, mate."

"Why?"

"Read it.":

:

'Certain words, while not commonly used in the common language lexicon, can be quite versatile.

To F**K for example.

As a Noun:

"Damn! That f***ker got away!"

As both a Prefix and a Suffix to a Noun:

"Hey, f**kface, are you up for a goatf**k?

As a Verb:

"That goat is HUNG; I'd f***k her like I f**cked your granddad."

As an Adjective:

"That f***king Homosexualist Handbag git won't get away with it."

As a Transitive Verb:

"Masimo f***cks goats and little boys.

As an Intransitive Verb:

"Georgia f***ks"

As a place/name:

"Oh, I a feel so nice in my f**ck"

As a proper noun:

"I am F**k ! F**k of the Mountain! "

As an Adverb:

"Masimo traipsed f**ckfully through the leafy f**khole. Like the fairy he is."

As an exclamation:

"F**ck!"

As an indefinite pronomina:

"How much does Masimo know? "Masimo knows f**kall."

An excellent interjection between syllables:

"Abso-f**king-lutely not. (or) That's de-f**king-licous"

As a substitute for song lyrics you can't remember:

"Billie F**k f**k not my lover, she's just a f*ck who f*ck that I f**ck the f**ck. But kid is not f**k goat."

This word can even be used almost exclusively in one sentence:

"FeCK THE FeCKED FeCKER AND THE FeCKER WHO FeCKED HIM FeCKFULLY!"

F*CK MASIMO WITH A SCREWDRIVER !

I have no recollection of writing this.

I must have wrote it half-asleep.

2 Minutes Later

Bloody funny, though..'Feck goat."

1 Minute Later

Feck Masimo with a screwdriver, hahaha

Home,7pm

Emma came round to mine after school. I think she must've gone and change first before coming over-she was wearing jeans that were literally in tatters, and lots of bracelet like the Sex Queen herself, Madonna, and a LOT of perfume.

I had to open my window after she left she had so much on.

She wanted to do homework and yelled at me when I wouldn't snog her, then wanted to skip homework and watch 'The Perks of Being A Wallflower." instead.

What is going on in her mind when she comes over?

12 Minutes Later

Not much, is my guess.

16 Minutes Later

She left her bag here.

Hmmmm..

Should I or shouldn't I ?

4 Seconds Later

Oh, screw this for a bag of crisps, I am going to be nosey.

2 Minutes Later

My so-called 'girlfriend' is either vair sweet, or a complete nutter.

She has my name written in hearts all over her notebooks.

And she has her OWN personal copy of 'Go Ask Alice".

2 Minutes Later

She has unicorns drawn in the inside of her binder.

And they are glittery.

4 Minutes Later

I am dating someone who likes glittery unicorns and pushes people down staircases. On purpose.

10 Minutes Later

Dear God, I am dating Libby Nicholson.

Must open window think I am having a panic attack .

Tuesday, February 1st

7am

Couldn't sleep again last night.

Found myself up at 4am watching Martha Stewart and taking notes.

Jack le Biscuit needs therapy.

I even tried a milk bath but I fell asleep and now I smell like soured milk, no matter how much I scrub.

Assembly

Got into line next to Rollo. He crinkled his nose at me.

"What smells?"

"Your upper lip."

"Naw, mate, 's your footie skills."

Tom went "Shh." as Headmaster CookStocker come out (LEAVE it) to give his usual morning drone.

I should dump ants in his Sports PANTS again.

Or Jell-O in the tuba.

I don't see WHY we are being forced to have Musical Arts.

Especially after that incident with the Cello.

3 Minutes Later

I still maintain Dec stabbed himself in the foot with the bow.

Break

Tom is all New Zealand this and New Zealand that.

I am about to kill him.

I don't know if it the lack of sleep or the stress about Georgia but I feel like I could snap any moment.

Lit next so maybe I'll get a little sleep and that'll help.

We're reading Dickens' "Great PANTS" so it will be easy an easy zizz.

Lit

Rollo caught me napping and Sellotaped my nostrils shut.

Why am I mates with him? I mean, he wore flip- flops to school because some blind git told him he looked a LOT like Jared Padalecki.

Really.

Bed

Came home and Mum was washing the car in the driveway, in a bikini.

Gack.

And then Brian, Mum's boyfriend of 'round 4 months, came out in swimming PANTS only they were for someone half his size.

Oh My Giddy Uncle's Bra (yes he wears a bra-he is not fat, he's just gay).

He waved at me "Howdy, Dave, you wanna have a Python Marathon tonight?"

It's the one thing we have in common, love for Mssr. Monty Python, Graham, John, Terry, Terry, and Michael.

Which is a bit surprising, especially as he's from Nashville.

I was still in shock over his tiny PANTS, I can't even remember what I said to him.

5pm, My Room

Can't concentrate for poo.

I am in such a state I can't even properly draw moustaches on Mary Queen of Scots in my History book.

Me thinks Jack le Biscuit is losing his edge.

Rang Rollo "Am I losing my edge?"

"Nah mate, you never had it to begin with. Everyone knows you're whipped by Georgia."

I hung up on him.

4 Minutes Later

Was just getting settled into bed when the phone rang again.

Mum and Brian were out 'tubing' (I don't EVEN want to know what involves ..rubber catsuits? OH MY GOD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT) so I had to answer it.

"Yarrr?"

"Are you up for a walk to the river?""Listen, not now Tom I am in the middle of something."

"What?"

"The floor." and I hung up on him.

2 Minutes Later

Gahhhh I am soooo restless.

Maybe a shower will help?

10 Minutes Later, My Room

Tore out of my shower by a mad Swedish man in a fish hat.

And I don't mean a hat shaped like a fish.

I mean a hat made out of a fish.

Really. It still had the eyes in.

After Tom and the rest stopped laughing at me (so I was singing the Gilmore Girls theme song, so what? It's a nice song) they let me get dressed.

'Why?"

Rollo had an evil gleam in his eye.

"We're going out, mate."

Oh, no.

Bed

Saved by Brian in a cowboy hat.

The Barmy Army was lounging on my bed while I looked for fairly clean socks (with the least amount of mould) when Brain came in "You ready for some real fun, pardner? I even got chips and dip."

He stopped, looked at the Barmy Army and at me "Going out?"

"I well-"

Brian's face fell.

"OKey dokey artichokey."

Poo Poo and DAMN.

Why do I ALWAYS have to do the right thing?

I ran out after him "No, they were just helping me, erm, clean my room. You know how irresponsible us teenager boys are."

He nodded "Don't I know it." and he went off telling me about his uncle that has 15 children and 4 wives, or something like that.

I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

Living Room

Mum heard me telling Brian that the Barmy Army is here to help me and now she is having them Hoover my room, do my laundry, etc.

Tee hee hee.

Living Room (still)

Dec just walked past with a load of my dirty PANTS and mouthed "I am going to KILL you."

I waved at him "I prefer my under things be hand-washed please, Declan!"

Hahahahaha.

1 Minute Later

I wonder what Georgia is doing?

3 Minutes Later

Is she thinking of me?

10pm

Movie night wasn't too bad. I can see Brian and Mum are really happy together.

At least someone is.

I found a song, made me think of Gee (but then again what else is new?).

At any rate, one part of it goes:

""Don't get mad if I'm laughing

Blame the caffeine for all the 5 am phone calls

I haven't slept a single night in over a month

And not even once did you start to make sense to me

Well maybe I'm a little bit slow, or just consistently inconsistent

She said, "Unpredictability's my responsibility, baby.""

Hmmmm

Midnight

I guess there is no delaying the inevitable-I might as well go to bed and get ready for another nightmare of Georgia.

I tried every thing just to NOT sleep -caffeine, cookie dough by the spoonful (yeah I can see my self now, 300 pounds and addicted to Gilmore Girls, Aaaaaaaghhhh!) and I am STILL exhausted.

Damn.

Bed

I can't decided what is worse, dreaming about her all night, every night for the last, oh, two years or dreaming about losing her for not quite a week straight?

BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER.

Wednesday, February 2nd

9am, Assembly

Dreamt Sven asked me to marry him during Assembly.

To that one Simon and Garfunkel song, Cecilia.

I wonder what my dream means?

3 Minutes Later

Freud would say I have 'hidden sexual desires, strangled by my inner subconscious" or such crap like that.

Freud was a dirty old pervert.

That is why I love him.

5 Minutes Later

Pray GOD I am not becoming a Homo Horse.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GOD, NO.

At least I didn't have any dreams about Gee.

Is that good or bad, though?

OH I DON'T KNOW

All I do know is I can't stop thinking about her and I think I may be very well losing my mind.

3 Minutes Later

Oh, God, Declan just leaned over and whispered "Remember, tomorrow tonight, Boys' Night Out On The Lam and no mummy to protect you. Put your Big Boy Trousers on !"

I might as well write my will, now.

Last time the Barmy Army had a Boys' Night Out On The Lam I woke up in someone else's' PANTS.

And my black converse high-tops had mysteriously disappeared.

History

Minding my own biz heading off to the Poo Parlor when I was ambushed by twats in black anoraks-my so-called mates.

'Bloody Hell I know I am gorgeous, and you can't resist having a piece of the Hornmeister, but this is ridiculous."

Rollo said "Shut up. We're going out."

"But I'm not dressed for a first date!"

Tom biffed me on the head with his rucky. 'Shut up." then he said to the guys "Grab his legs, and I'll get his arms."

They picked me up like and carried me to the doors, but halfway through my sleeves slipped up.

Tom looked down to adjust him, but then he saw my wrists.

He dropped me, quite heavily actually.

"OOf you're bruising the moneymaker."

'Shut up. When did you start doing that to yourself?"

"Well, Mum says she walked in on me when I was 9,but I blocked that memory out completely."

Rollo came round "What's up?"

I tried to cover my arms but Tom grabbed my hand (number 1 on the Snogging Scale, shut up brain) and showed Rollo.

Rollo was quiet a long, long time.

I jerked away from Tom (LEAVE it) and stood up, brushing myself off "I was helping Mum garden and got into her rose bush, tha's all."

1st Break

The Lads have decided to hold an 'intervention.'

Apparently it involves cappus and nudey mags, not that I am complaining, especially about the nudey mags.

Well, maybe I should; Sven brought them and they are full of hairy Vikings in heels. And I don't mean just the girls.

In fact, there are no girls in it.

I am beginning to have my doubts about Sven

Sven is all in for it. He keeps pointing to the fold-outs and going "Ja, the She-Wolf, she has the lovely wolf pups."

Hmmmmmmm .

15 Minutes Later

Must remember-when we go out tomorrow night (LEAVE it) to buy long-sleeve shirts.

Lunk

Over breaksies of PB and Js and crisps Rollo made up this new stupid thing of seeing who can slurp the most Jell-O up their nose.

How dim can you be?

15 Minutes Later

I am the Jell-O champion, 2 whole cups, no stopping!

Well, OK I had a sneeze fit in the middle of it and had to stop.

And it was still there when Headmaster CookStocker walked by after .

I have detention for a week for 'flagrant disobedience of school rules".

I just want to know where in the Guide Book it says there is no Jell O nose-slurping in the halls.

Last Bell

The Barmy Army filed out to meet the Girls.

You couldn't miss them-they were all, except Jas and Georgia who weren't even there, wearing their comic ginormous Froggy A-Go-Go Land berets and singing a song that Rosie must have written.::

And I feel like dancing in my mini skirt

Because I've got two left feet and a couple plantar warts

Kill all the voles nesting in your PANTS!

Because we're doing the Jell-O dance!""

Then they did some mad twisting with wobbly arm movements. I am guessing that is the Jell-O.I was actually a bit afraid to ask.

The girls did linksies-ups.

Rosie popped her bubblegum and said to Sven "So where you taking Davey Boy then?"

"Oh Ja the boys night, to see the boysss" and he did mad pelvic thrusting.

Oh, Lordy.

Looks like another trip to G-A-Y (no, really that is the name of the club we went to last time, look it up!).

Home

At 'Homework Club' so everyone is here snogging their prospective girlfriends.

I feel like the third wheel on a bicycle or an elephant in teeny tiny trousers, and roller skates, crashing into things and unable to breath.

Bugger.

I cleared my throat "So, Uhm."

No one looked round.

Huh.

So much for 'being there in my time of need."

I said that, I said that to Tom "So much for being there in my time of need, mate."

He looked round from snogging Jas. They were making squelching sounds -it was a bit sickening.

"At any rate, he looked round "What?"

"Never mind."

I got up and went downstairs.

Kitchen

Nothing to eat, save a jar of Branstons, but no one knows how long they've been there.

I think they came with the house, around 20 years ago.

3 Minutes Later

MMM old bagel. Mum must have forgotten to go to Down to Earth again this week.

Wandered back to my room and everyone was STILL at it.

Bloody Hell.

5 Minutes Later

I even blasted 'Dude Looks Like A Lady" and Rollo only stopped long enough to kick my CD player over.

I said "I am going for a walk if anyone cares."

Sven threw me an umbrella.

Why?

Outside

Sat on my wall watching the world go by.

3 Minutes Later

I am so pathetic.

30 Minutes Later

Watched the world go by but it didn't -only a snail and two sparrows.

Eventually the Barmy Army came out all happy.

Damn selfish gits.

Dec said "We're going to the flicks to see 'No Strings Attached', wanna come? If you get lonely you could always invite Emma"

I looked at them.

Eventually they got it and peeled off.

Bed

I wonder what Georgia is doing?

Thursday, February 3rd

Physics

Substitute teacher today so the only ones doing any sort of work is Ned the Nerd and Tom.

We played poker and got away with it until Rollo announced it was time for Strip Poker

At the top of his lungs.

20 Minutes Later

Maybe I should dye my hair red, and start calling my self Jack the erm .Jelly Baby?

No, that doesn't have quite the ring as Dave the Biscuit.

Sports

Hung Tom by his ankles with jump ropes for using the words 'love' and 'Vole' in the same sentence (really, he did.) till his face turned beetroot.

And he wasn't even talking about Jas.

He was talking about his love for voles.

As he tried to regain strength in his legs (so he couldn't at least TRY to kick my arse) I said "You DO know that's bestiality, don't you?"

And Dec said "Yes but he's dating her just the same."

I thought Tom's head was going to explode, ha ha.

Home

I have 20 minutes to 'get ready'.

Dear God.

I tried sneaking out the window but they had already thought of that and stationed Sven at the bottom of the back garden.

Last I saw he was eating Peanut Butter and Anchovies sarnies (really) so there's no going any where near him, then.

28 Minutes Later

Dressed and ready but not going out yet, just to annoy the Lads.

Rollo is threatening to throw me into the pond.

Hmmmm

I said through the door "I'd like to see you try."

Good thing I have the door blocked.

9 Minutes Later, Outside

I did NOT expect Sven to crawl through the window.

In especially such a short kilt.

With a fishy sporran.

As we walked along I said "So where are we going?"

Sven smiled quite alarmingly. "Bowling."

Oh dear Buddha.

8pm

Brilliant night at the bowling alley.

Tom got his fingers caught in the hole and went down the lane with his ball (Oooer ..No, Gee get out of my head Ooer).

I think I cracked a rib I was laughing so hard.

We were eventually thrown out, after Dec 'accidentally' hit Rollo in the PANTS with his ball (Oooer).

I don't think it was the violence that got us kicked out though, I think it was Rollo shouting "Bollocking bugger in my granny's stained PANTS" as the Granny Bowlers walked by.

In Town

Causing general chaos.

Sven has Rollo on his back and is galloping round stopping to occasionally bin him.

I said to Tom "How's your knackers?"

He looked at me crossed eyed "OOf."

I slapped him on the back, quite hard "It's not like you use them"

He kicked out at me but I didn't dodge.

I was too distracted Robbie came out of an Italian restaurant with Georgia.

She had a little blue pink on that I never seen before with a blue jacket. And the tallest heels I've ever seen.

Cor.

I stopped suddenly and Tom bumped into me.

He started to say 'What are you -" then he followed my gaze "Oh."

I feel like I've swallowed my heart and now it's trying to leap out my bum.

2 Seconds Later

DAMNIT.

The guys rallied round me, saying things like "Just a mate" and "They're probably discussing Lindsay's fake nungas-nungas."

But it didn't make me feel better.

In fact, it made me feel worse.

Maybe I should just say 'Bye' to her after all?

10 Minutes Later

Could I stand not seeing her?

2 Minutes Later

Even thinking about it makes me heart feel like it's going to implode.

Gahhhhhh WHY can't this be easy?

I said that, I said to the Lads "WHY can't I go up to her and say 'Look, I fancy you and you fancy the PANTS off of me. Let's be together.' and that be the end of it?"

Tom said "Well she does l-uh, well, you know but she just doesn't realize it yet."

Yes but the question is-am I willing to wait until she does?

12 Minutes Later

How long is that going to be .

In my head I can hear her saying 'Ooer, miss' at that one.

Jack le Biscuit is losing his edge.

Bed

In Bed.

At 10pm.

I am truly crap.

Friday, February 4th

7am

Lightning and thundering out.

Perfect.

Just bloody perfect.

I am going back to bed.

9asm,Assembly

Dragged out of bed by Cissy.

Actually, what she said was "Mum left already so I am in charge. If you don't get out of bed in 5 minutes I am going to let Mike go all the way with me in YOUR bed."

Good Lord.

I told Rollo this and he said "You know what this means don't you? She's already thought about it before."

OH MY LORD.

I so do not need that mental image.

Tom says Robbie and Lindsay's wedding is in 10 days so rehearsals are Saturday AND Sunday, all day.

I said "Do I have to go?"

"Yes, you're playing with the band, remember?"

Damn damn damn.

Just another opportunity to watch Gee salver over a 'Sex God.'

Why can't I be her Sex God?

Am I not sexy?

2 Seconds Later

Hahahah, even in my state of despair I can still make myself laugh 'am I not sexy'...hahaha

Philos.

Mr Kraus (no, really) asked us "What do you want to do before you die?" in all seriousness.

We are to right it out, and why, blah blah blah then read it aloud.

Hmmm.

You think he would have learned from the Oedipus incident.

But no.

Tom was first. Typically, his answer was all vole this and owl poo that. His last one though surprised us all-Marry my girlfriend and live together in New Zealand.

He'd marry Jas?

Rollo was next "Spend a day at the Bunny Mansion."

Everyone was high fiving each other but Mr Kraus was looking round "Vat? I don't get it, why do you vant spend time with der bunnies?"

Sad.

Sven was next.

Good Lord. I forget how tall he is.

"I vant to have the she-wolf with the pups, and we live in a hut by the sea, and have the house of fish and hats of herring and we live in our fur."

Herr Kraus didn't even know what to say.

I don't think anyone did.

I was next.

Everyone looked at me.

Oh, God.

'I Uhm, .."

Tom raised an eyebrow.

"Like, well."

Rollo mimed snogging. I am going to kill him.

I looked at Mr Kraus. "I would like to have nungas-nungas."

"Ja, that is sehr interstink , David. Why would you like to have the " and he made breasty motions with his hands. How does he know what nungas-nungas are?

At any rate, I said "So I could find out what it feels like to feel myself up."

Last Bell

Hellacious day. The best part was Ned the Nerd calling the kiln a 'blow jobber' in Art.

We're never going to live that down. Well, for a month at least.

We did linksies and sang 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang' 'til we got to the girls' school gate.

The girls were there but not Gee.

Huh.

Probably off with some Homosexual handbag Sex God.

The Barmy Army went off to the Park for 'Homework Club' (I.e. excessive snogging)

Walked around a bit. It was like that one poem.."I wandered lonely as a clud."

10 Seconds Later

No I mean cloud.

Damnit, Georgia is getting into my head.

2 Seconds Later

I wish she would OH MY GOD I AM LOSING MY MIND.

I am even arguing with myself..in my head.

I slumped on the ground against a wall and put my head in my hands.

'What is the point?"

"Dave?"

I looked up and Robbie was standing there.

Just bloody great.

"No you must be imagining things."

I got up to leave but he stopped me.

"Dave why are you avoiding me? I have something I need to talk with you about but well yeah." He shrugged.

He looked uncomfortable.

Good.

"Dave, I have been having these dreams.."

'Aren't you a little old for wet dreams?"

He game me a Look then went on.

"They are about Georgia. She is at some ,I don't know, airport or something and she is saying goodbye, but I have this awful feeling that I'll never see her again."

I felt my stomach drop.

"Is she-is the airplane sort of funny colored, like a leprechaun was sick all over it?"

Robbie looked at me "Yeah, how did you know?"

"I've been having the same dream."

Robbie was quiet for a long time then he said "About Georgia, we're just friends."

"Huh."

He sat on the ground next to me "I like her a lot -a whole lot, but this thing with Lindsay and the wedding-Oh God."

He dropped his head.

"I think I -what I mean to say is, I like her. A lot."

Robbie looked up and at me "What?"

"Georgia. I -think about her all the time."

He looked at me for a long long time.

"It's always going to be you she comes back to."

'Yes, but I don't know if I can wait that long."

"What am I going to do ?"  
'Close your eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream. That's how I get by. "  
Robbie scoffed "That explains a lot." "The trouble with me, I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it. "  
"One of these days you're going to have the chance to do something right by her."  
"Oh, I love those moments, I like to wave at them as they pass by!"

KERCHOOO

I jumped up and looked over the wall.

It was Georgia, sitting there, with Rosie.

They were all in black.

Why?

My hand automatically went to my hair and in my mind I heard Georgia saying "Hair Gel application homosexual camel"

I dropped my hand (not literally you fules, I just lowered it ).

Rosie yelled "Coming Svenny!" then went yodeling off, leaving a vair agog Gee there.

She was very red.

She is even cute when she resembles a turnip.

Or do I mean beet?

I don't know , I am not dating a vegetable.

At any rate, Robbie looked at me, then Georgia again, and walked off some. Not far enough to be gone, but far enough to eavesdrop, I noticed.

I said to Georgia "How much did you hear?"

She smiled at me, Damnit. "Why? You're not going to have to kill me are you?"

OH GOD.

But she want on "I don't think you could, hurt me I mean."

I sat down next to her "No?"

"What's the worst you could do to me, Dave?"

"I might kiss you. And I might be good at it. So good you'll want it all the time. You'll be positively BEGGING me, gagging for it, saying 'Please, Dave, just one little snog!"

She laughed "Yeah that's not possible."

So I snogged her.

She pushed me off.  
And over the garden wall.

I leapt up and looked at her."What was that for?"  
"Dave no we-we can' 've got Emma and I've Ireland."  
I shrugged. "I guess."

"Emma is, erm vair pretty."

" Yeah.. she is."

Gee bit her lip. I love the way she does that. She is most def. the most beautiful girl I know.

"And she's stu-erm, stupendously nice."

I smiled gently at her "She sure is."

Gee looked away ": I bet you know everything about her by now. "

" Only the stuff that counts and even then she writes a list for me in case I for get how stup-stupendous she is."

Gee had her face turned away but I thought I saw her smile-just a flicker.

I wanted to say " I cant even remember the stuff she tells me when I think about you, and I think about you all the time." but I didn't."  
I did my best impression "Well,Georgia."  
She looked at me "Have you got flu?"  
"You Had me at Hello.  
You Hurt me at Goodbye,  
But, You Lost me the day you didn't look back. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter any more, because I know that what we had was real.  
And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent so many years together, if not together, but happy.  
The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our PANTS and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me "  
"A fire in your PANTS? Isn't that the symptom for gonorrhea? You didn't get it from me."  
"Shut up.. What I mean is I don't regret the things I've done, but those I did not do. "  
'You mean Emma?"  
'Well,I-" Her question threw me off a bit and I hesitated.  
Gee sighed.

She stood up and smooth her skirt "Yes, well, I hope you last."

I slid down next to her " I hope we do too. "

Do I?

Gee turned and looked at me a long, long time. "I-I better go."

"Yea, me too."

"Bye"

"S'later"

And she got up and walked off.

Robbie watched her go over the hill and once she was out of sight he came back up. "Well?"

I raised my eyebrow at him. "Deep subject for a small mind."

"You're shit."

I winked "You love it."

"Speaking of-I mean, I won't you know, talk to Gee anymore if you don't want me to."

I looked at him evenly "You are interested in her, too?"

He shifted foot to foot but didn't say anything .

God.

God .

God.

God.

I feel funny -Like my the world is spinning or I am going -

Robbie is at the airport, next to me. Georgia is picking up her bags and saying goodbye to the Ace Gang.

Robbie says "You have to let her go. She's going and you're my responsibility now."

I looked at him "What do you mean?"

For a second his face waves then I see a black dot, it starts growing and growing and as I lean forward to look at it, it starts to flicker, grey, then colored, sand I see myself, my reflection, then I see Georgia, she's lying by a road, in a dress..but she's covered in blood, crying.

Robbie, with the image frozen on his face, grabs me "Promise me Dave!"

He starts shaking me "Promise me ,Dave!"

"Dave!"

"Dave!"

'DAVE!"

I opened my eyes and blinked, with Robbie over me, pale-faced.

Where was I?

I sat up.

I was on the ground.

"What happened?"

'You fainted mate, then started moaning. Are you ok? Want me to call Casualty?"

I shoved him away and sat up "No, I saw your ugly mug up close and gave me quite a shock."

Robbie rolled his eyes "Ha, ha, ha."

I noticed he'd gone pale.

"There's something I have to do, though."

Robbie looked at me a bit odd but shook it off "OK well , if you need anything I can, well, you know."

"Yeah."

"Yeah, right."

We stood there a bit awkwardly.

Should we hug, shake hands? Spit in each others' eyes, now what?

Mark Big Gob walked round the corner, but pausing long enough to flip two fingers.  
Lovely (not).  
Robbie looked after him and shook his head "If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass."

He looked back at me "So uhm, like.."

I said "Yeah" and Robbie nodded and shuffled off.

Bed

I feel bad but I did it- I broke up with Emma.

She started to do that pathetic snuffling thing that she does that used to always make me feel guilty and apologize (whether I meant it or not) and when that didn't work she called me, in her own words, 'A giant rotten scabby twat!" and hung up on me.

Then she came round mine and cried for ages, then she threw things.

After she FINALLY left I said to Cissy "That went well, didn't it?"

And she rolled her eyes "You're such a twat." and left.

Huh.

Midnight, Bed

I wonder what Georgia is doing?

Is she dreaming of me?

14 Minutes Later

Or Robbie?


	24. Chapter 24

_100 PERCENT VERIFIED UNIVERSAL STUD_

_Hi hi hi hi !_

_OMG You have NO clue how much FUN this was to write !_

_I KNOW FOUL LANGUAGE IS INDICATIVE OF IMMATURE BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BUT WELL-YOU'LL SEE!_  
_Hi hi hi tis me, your beluuuuuurved (in a VERY non-lesbiany way) writer Lauraaaaaaaaaaaaa coming at you from my sad room in Old Farts-agogo ( AKA Misery) !_  
_It took me a LOT to write this chapter. Literally. While writing this (not all in one go, but you get my gist Ooer) I've gone through 2 boxes of vanilla wafers, about 2000000 cups of coffee, a bout of insomnia (probably because of the coffee, hahahah), a 5-pound bag of M&Ms (yes you read that right...), a jar of pink lemonade mix (erm...mixed...not you know powdery, Erlack, though my littlest bro sniffs it for some reason...he IS 13 1/2 after all !), a can of Star Bucks Vanilla Espresso Shot ,_  
_a can of Mocha Starbucks Espresso Shot, a watermelon (yes, I ate a WHOLE watermelon to myself), 3 heads of lettuce, 10 Kit Kat bars, 4 mint 3 Musketeers, a bag of mini sourdough pretzels,_  
_and about 239586r86586845845843854 cups of ESPRESSO !I Luuuurve !_  
_Oh my I have lost the plot._  
_Where was I? Oh yes I have decided to be MYSELF-and scarily enough it's a cross between Sven and Dave the Laugh, with bits of Rosie and Georgia (oooer!) thrown into the mix !_  
_I know guys don't like girls for funnyness,etc. and it drives everyone NUTS but, you know, so what? If they don't like Me, SCREW 'EM! (ooer not literally you naughty minxes!)._  
_But what was I saying?_  
_Oh yeah,this chapter was so hard to write!_  
_I wanted to get Dave and Gee together sooooooooooooooo bad but I couldn't because...well, you will see (and you probably hate me for it) in the next couple of chapters._  
_Oh and I know it says '2 chapters left' or w/e in the description line for FF but I got a brillopads idea so it'll be a bit longer-It's now (including THIS chapter) 3 chapters left!_  
_And be warned :they will be LONG but don't skip! A LOT happens !_  
_It took me a lot to write this because I am doing the next chapter in Dave's POV._  
_Warning: This chapter and the next chapter are EXTREMELY depressing and sad !_  
_I have personal experience in some of the things mentioned here._  
_I am NOT saying ANYONE should do it-if you do you need SERIOUS HELP !_  
_This chapter and the next are inspired by the song 'Telephone Line' by ELO (Electronic Light Orchestra) so yeah,it's sad._  
_I listened to this pretty much constantly the week -and-a-half it took to write THIS chapter ALONE !_  
_WARNING-M FOR MATURE-LANGUAGE IS BAD IN THIS ONE ! IF YOU ARE OFFENDED EASILY DO NOT READ! ANY COMPLAINTS IN THE FORM OF INSTANT MESSAGES, EMAILS OR REVIEWS OF THE BELOW LANGUAGE CONTENT WILL BE IGNORED AND DELTED ( BUT POSTED HERE FIRST ) BECAUSE I WARNED YOU !_

_Xoxo,_

_Lauraaaaaaaaaaaaaaa_

**(( Dave's POV ))**

**Sunday, January 23rd**

**5pm**

My throat aches like billio.

I tried to say 'Water " but it came out as 'Grghhhll."

Fantastic.

I opened my eyes to search round for a nurse but Emma was sitting by the bed.

Bloody Emma.

I am going to fake sleep till she buggers off.

**7pm**

Fell asleep till just now.

Grrrr my throat hurts still.

Where's a willing but able nurse with soft hands and big Gazonas when you need one?

Hmmmm.

Isn't Georgia's mum a nurse?

Hmmm .

**4 Minutes Later**

Found a button and pressed it but no sound came.

Huh.

Must be broken.

Press it again.

**45 Minutes Later**

Well.

It turns out that was the emergency call and every time I press it a buzzer goes off at the nurses' station.

I was busying taking a slash when three nurses burst in on me.

I zipped up but they went all red and dithery when they saw me.

I must be getting even more gorgeous every day, if I may say so myself.

**10 Seconds Later**

And I do.

**1 Hour Later**

The only thing is I guess the nurses rung my mum and now she is here and my older sister and Josh, the Most Bonkers Toddlery Folk Alive (second to Libby, Georgia's little sister), perhaps.

I noticed he got a new, punk haircut.

At any rate, Mum came in in her usual -today it was rainbow bell bottoms and a hot pink poncho.

Really.

She came over and first thing planted a big kiss on my forehead. I wish she wouldn't do that. She wears that lip stain stuff and I have to literally scrub my skin off to remove the lip prints.

I found out there is a special lotion that removes it but you can only buy it at girly lotion stores.

Georgia caught me once buying my special lotion.

She probably thinks now I am a homosexual, like the Handbag Horse.

Fabby (not).

The only down side is, my throat is realllllly achy and I am not allowed to talk for a WHOLE 24 hours.

Jack the Biscuit not speak? That's impossible! That's a crime!

I tried to act indignant but Mum didn't get it-in fact she asked me if I was constipated again.

Lovely Mum.

**3 Hours Later, Discharge (Oooer)**

I 'get to' go home tonight !

I did a Carlton Dance as Mum was getting discharge papers signed but then she turned quickly and caught me in mid-dance.

She didn't yell though-probably blamed my fabby dance moves on the drugs, not my joie de vire and such crap.

The nurse was giving Mum the discharge instructions, saying what I can and can not do.

She asked me "Do you smoke?"

I wrote (not allowed to talk, and besides it hurts like a rabid vampire whore with gonorrhea ..I don't know, Rollo told me that one) "I don't know I never checked" and Sissy called me a twat!

And just in my time of need, recovering from a great illness, etc !

**Bed**

**In bed.**

Jacob even brought me is so sweet.

Even with his new Mohawk haircut.

Whatever toddlery folk did it must be full of geniosity.

**40 Seconds Later**

Or mad as a hatter.

**Monday, January 24th**

**8am**

Woke by a blinding light and sounds of general chaos.

The Lads'll be here then.

I quickly hid Snuffles under my pillow. If they found out they -especially Tom-would never let me live it down.

Hid Snuffles just in time for them to kick the door open and jump on the bed.

With me in it.

"Don't damage the goods!"

"He wasn't good then."

"Oh, ho, how'd you know?"

Etc.

I missed the Barmy Army.

Sven had gotten red highlights (even though he is, it has to be said, very quite blonde).

Dec says he is thinking about getting braces "To get the chicks. Nerds are I-N IN."

Hmmm

I wrote "What about Ellen?"

He shrugged 'I don't think she'd pull off the braces look."

I threw my pillow at him.

I forgot Snuffles was underneath and Tom said 'What is THIS?'

I tried to grab for it but he held it above his head.

Oh, DAMN DAMN BOLLOCKING DAMN.

After a game of Toss-The-Snuffles Tom tucked it in next to me and patted my head I didn't even notice Rollo taking a picture until the flash.

DAMNIT!

They had to rush off to school (they promise they'd keep up my standard of mayhem) after that but said they'd be by after.

Huh.

On my own again.

**Bed,1pm**

Slept off and on most of the day.

I feel wretched.

And I am all out of ice cream.

I wonder where my sister is? She should be here, waiting on me hand and foot in my time of need.

**44 Minutes Later**

I wonder where I put my bullhorn?

**12 Minutes Later**

Found it, under a pile of dirty socks and PANTS.

I am after all, the PANTSmeister extraordinaire !

**Bed (Still)**

Mum has taken away my bullhorn. She says I need to 'stop harassing my sister and do something productive with my self."

Hmmm.

But that takes only 15 minutes, what else am I supposed to do for the remaining 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day?

Hahaha

**2 Seconds Later**

Ow.

Hurts to laugh.

On the bright side, Sissy got in trouble for threatening to put the bullhorn somewhere for me but, like I said, that place is for Poo Parlor purposes only.

**4pm**

Barmy Army FINALLY here with Emma.

They tried to avoid her by hiding behind shrubbery but Sven's Sailor Horn Pipe Hat that Rosie made him out of bits of fur and dead herring kept giving them away.

As did the cats following him.

"We did try getting rid of her. In the end Rolls chucked the hat at Emma and we did a runner as they swarmed her but I guess she got away. Shame about her face though."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Just kidding."

Damn.

Oh, erm, I mean...:)

**5pm**

The lads have gone leaving me with Emma.

She sat by my bed and looked at me for a long, long time without saying anything.

It was a bit creepy, really.

Georgia at least said something during awkward moments, even if it was pure wubbish.

Oh dear God now I am even talking like her

Emma brought my homework and even INSISTED she stay and help me with it.

This is getting ridiculous. I know she feels bad for pushing me down the stairs.

AND giving me mono.

But she doesn't have to spend every bloody waking moment with me.

I know I am gorgeous but you CAN have too much of a good thing.

**5 Minutes Later**

No, no you can't.

Gee's tip-top snogging skills for example.

Phwoarrrrrr !

Emma was saying " his last stand, at the battle of Bull Run."

I snapped out of day dreaming about snogging Georgia (she is even invading my day dreams .naughty Sex Kitty) and looked up.

Emma rolled her eyes "Honestly, Dave, how are we going to get into the same Unis if you don't buckle down?"

She set the history book on my lap.

"Read chapter 13, pages 29 -52. I'm going to get us some tea. One lump or two?"

I checked under my covers then held up 2 fingers.

Emma rolled her eyes "Childish" and flounced out of the room.

Huh.

**20 Seconds Later**

Georgia would have thought it funny

**9pm**

I am only just done with my homework. Bloody Hell.

I think I have carpal tunnel syndrome. Maybe I can sue for cruel and unusual punishment?

Actually, I was writing a paper on Cruel and Unusual Punishments used during the French Revolution for History class

Maybe I should mention it to Mssr. Poissoine ? He is old enough to have lived through it all.

**10pm**

Emma wants to go to the flicks Friday night.

Huh.

I told (well, wrote) her I didn't know if I'd be well by then and she actually got MAD.

Then she tried to snog me!

She left upset when I tried to explain I was still hurting from the surgery SHE caused.

She yelled at me for a bit, about blaming it all on her (well,yes,actually I do) then went off.

Bloody mental.

**9:45pm**

Dating Emma is cruel and unusual punishment

**Tuesday, January 25th**

**11am**

Spending the day caring for Jacob as Mum worked at the shoppe.

Not going too bad so far, he is sitting and watched Japanime movies.

He lurrrves (there I go, talking like Gee again..) Totoro especially.

**1pm**

Went down for a nap but Jacob jumped on me "Biccies! Me want choccie biccies!"

I took him by the hand and showed him the empty tin but that wasn't enough.

**2 Minutes Later**

Bloody Hell, he wants me to MAKE them.

**20 Minutes Later**

This isn't too hard, considering I've a 4-year-old hanging on me trouser leg and I've never cooked before.

I am Jack le Biscuit making Biscuits.

I could have a TV show called le Biscuit , featuring me.

**3 Minutes Later**

And Gee could be my assistant in only heels and a thong.

Hmmmm ..

**3pm**

Got the cookies in and sent Jacob out on the trampoline so I have time to clean up the mess before Mum and Sissy get here.

Who would have thought a bag of flour can implode?

I guess it wouldn't have been so bad if the ceiling fan wasn't on.

**4pm**

Mum's here so am hiding in my room.

I got most of the flour off the ceiling. The rest will have to be scoured off.

I could hear Mum coming in down stairs "Davey I'm home-OH MY GOD what happened to the kitchen?"

"Davey boy make biccies!"

*sound of oven being opened*

*Lots of coughing and banging*

"Bloody Hell, Sissy, open the door, open the door! The pan is on fire!"

Hmmm maybe the cooking show is out then.

**3 Minutes Later**

Shame, Gee would look great cooking in only heels and a thong.

**4pm**

The Lads are here, along with Rosie, Ellen, Jas (etc).

And Emma.

Oh, damn.

First thing she did is come over and try to snog me, then she started tucking my duvet round my chin and clucking her tongue.

Like I am her son or something !

Tom and the rest were having a silent laughing fit behind her . I shot them Evils but they would not SHUT UP.

When Emma went for tea the Lads collapsed on my bed laughing.

Rollo minced up and tucked my duvet round my ears "Ohh, there you go dearie. We can do your homework, and then you can snog my bunions!"

I made to hit him with my history book but missed.

Rosie said 'We have news on the Ex-Snoggee front Davey Boy."

"She won't shut up about you for one thing."

I started to write but then Dec said "Yes, I know, Dave the Biscuit, bloody marvelous, pip pip."

I threw my pen at him.

Damn. I should have stuck it in my PANTS first at least, bloody waste.

Ellen dithered to life "She ..I mean like..Cameelious humps."

I looked at her. We all did.

She went beetroot and pulled out a paper and handed it to me.

I saw it was a poem and read it aloud er, to myself-::::

""Kiddies and grown ups too-oo-oo

If we haven't enough to do-oo-oo,

We get the hump,

Cameelious hump,

The hump that is black and blue""

I wiped a tear away. Bloody genius.

I looked up.

Tom put his hand on my shoulder "She's picked it to read to the Kindy folk."

I looked at him, questioningly.

Tom sighed and sat on the bed. "Don't you get it, mate?"

I looked up. Everyone was looking at me-bit unnerving, really.

"She's thinking about you, Dave." Jas said.

"A lot." Sophs added.

"Who does?"

Tom whirled round and Emma was at the doorway with a tray and cups.

OH BLOODY HELL and DAMN.

"You, like, I mean, like, girl friend?"

I noticed Tom stuffing the poem in his back pocket.

**10pm,Bed (where else would I be?)**

Emma seemed to believe Ellen's dithering because after that she fussed at me until I started doing my school work.

The Lads and the Ace Gang left round the same time but before they did Jas went in to hug me and whispered "She talks about you and misses you. More than you realize."

I think the Biscuit needs to start to prepare for his Big Startling Recovery.

**Wednesday, January 26th**

**3pm**

Drank loads and loads of tea today.

And I even tried speaking.

I can croak a little but that is a bout it.

I had that dream again.

I was at an airport and Robbie was there.

I said "I am waiting for my International PANTS."

But he just looked at me .

It was very freaky because he said "You're about to lose her."

"What? My PANTS?"

"Georgia."

"What's going to happen?"

"If you care for her, you'll listen."

And then he told me what was going to happen.

And what my mission in PANTS, erm, life is.

It's too weird to write down.

But I can say this, I am going to avoid Robbie as much as I can, now.

**20 Minutes Later**

Oh HELL I can't stop thinking about her.

Maybe I should ring her.

Just to say 'Hello?"

I went into the hall, to the phone, and dialed her number.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

**2 Minutes Later**

I slammed down the phone.

Why am I so bloody nervous?It's only Gee.

**Bed**

I don't think I can tell her.

If I do she will call me mad and throw something at me again.

And it does sound mad, predicting what I am.

I just hope I am not right.

**33 Minutes Later**

If Gee really has been talking about me and picking out poems about humps (I can just hear her saying "Oooer!" at that one) then there must be something there, right?

**4 Minutes Later**

Right?

**5pm**

No Emma today-she's got Band practice.

Tom, Rollo, Sven, Rosie, and Jas over to discuss Operation Georgia.

The plan is to get me and Gee together so I'll supposedly stop whinging on about Georgia.

Not that I do that.

**12 Minutes Later**

I just think about her around every 6 seconds or so.

I want to be with her so badly but I've treated her like crap.

I honestly can't blame her for being so cross with me.

**8 pm**

But I wish she wasn't.

**Thursday, January 27th**

**9:35am**

Feel good enough to take Emma to the cinema.

We're going after dark, and I rang Tom to make sure Gee isn't going to be any where in town, but he says Gee's mad granddad and Baldy-Gram stripper Uncle are in town to do renovations on their house, so she'll have her hands full (LEAVE it!).

Must prepare for tomorrow.

What am I going to say?

**4 Minutes Later**

What if I try to talk and can't, and can only croak?

She'll think I'm just taking the piss.

Ohhhhhhh God.

Why can't this be easy ?

**25 Minutes Later**

Rollo rang -he reckons he saw Robbie and Gee talking the other night.

I wonder what about?

Probably about how stupid it is to marry a Weed just cause she is up the duff.

It's probably not even his.

**14 Minutes Later**

I wonder if Robbie still feels anything for her?

They went out for a long, long time, albeit secretly?

Hmmmm.

I don't want to have another Fisticuffs At Dawn scenario, especially with my mate.

**1 Minute Later**

And, just for the record, the only reason I didn't kick Masimo's arse up between his ears is cuz I don't hit girls.

**1 Hour Later**

I don't believe this.

It's unbelievable, is why.

Sissy came in and sat on my bed.

But that's not the unbelievable part.

She said 'I know you're going through a rough time right now and I want to help, being your big sister and all."

I thought "No, no way am I telling Sissy EVERYTHING" but I did and now, you know, I feel a lot better.

She told me about Men are From Mars and Women Are From Venus.

She let me borrow her copy.

I was so cheered up I even let her paint my nails.

Nothing flash and homosexual- she is practicing for her beauty school initially did white with flowers at the tip but then I had her do them over in all black.

If anyone asks I can just say I was bored.

Or I have gangrene of the left-hand.

**3 Minutes Later**

DAMNIT AND BOLLOCKS.

I am left-handed!

There is NO way I am going to be able to hide this!

I am going to KILL my sister !

**1pm**

Well..

I just got the shock of my life.

Was scrubbing my fingernails with nail polish remover when Emma came in.

She was expelled from school, but she wouldn't tell me why.

Hmmm..probably from doing all her homework in time.

She is a sick,sick person.

So we're going to the cinema now.

Hopefully it will be out well before 3pm, when Latimer and Ridley gets out.

**Bed, 7pm**

Turns out Emma wanted to see a pirate movie.

As we walked out I said (well, croaked) "I am going to start wearing an eye patch and will only answer to Long PANTS Silver" but I don't think Emma got it as such.

The movie was over just as Gee's school let out so I pretended I wanted to go to Emma's.

Spent most of my time doing homework and snogging.

She lets me do , you know, things but I don't want to go as far as she does.

Not with her.

She is just..oh I don't know.

She's just not Georgia.

In the middle of snogging I jumped up "I have to go."

Emma looked cross so I told her I wasn't feeling well.

On the way home had to duck behind cars in case Georgia was in town.

**34 Minutes Later**

I haven't seen her in a while.

I wonder what she's been up to?

**Friday, January 28th**

**3am**

Woke up in a cold sweat-horrid dream.

I was at the airport, and Georgia was there, getting ready to leave, but not for Ireland during Summer hols. She was going away forever.

I tried to ask her "Why? Where are you going?' but every time I did my mouth would sort of grow up over itself and I was suffocating.

Woke up screaming out.

What was that all about?

If Gee leaves with out me being able to tell her I-well, how I fell for her, or even just bye I may very well go mad.

**7am**

Rang the Barmy Army to come round mine before school.

'What's new Dave? Please tell me it's not got to do with Georgia?""Well, actually-"

The all simultaneously did pretend-y throw up into their hands and groaned.

It would have been funny if it wasn't so bloody annoying.

I told them about my dream but they just said it was nerves.

Yes, right, that was helpful.

Not.

**15 Minutes Later**

I am actually quite nervous-I'm seeing Gee again tonight for the first time in, what, a month?

**20 Minutes Later**

Since the my birthday. December 21st so that's...

**2 Minutes Later**

Oh, I don't know.

Math is too jangly for my brain.

It's been longer than a month, let's just put it that way.

No wonder I've been going spare.

**4 Hours Later**

OK, I have definitely lost my mind.

I have changed about 5845854945954 and gone threw EVERYTHING I own and I STILL can't find anything.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

I can't bloody well go in my nuddy-pants !

**3 Minutes Later**

Or can I ?

**1 Minute Later**

No, definitely NOT.

**3.15pm**

The Barmy Army came round directly after school.

Tom TRIED to show me something they did in Physics today, bless him, but my mind wasn't on it.

At one point the stopped and looked at me "Are you lost?"

"No, Tom, I am thinking. Contrary to popular belief, I DO do that"

"About Georgia."

"Don't be dim."

"So yes then, you are."

I punched him in the shoulder and he hit me with my Physics book.

So I stood up and started beating him with my pillow until Sven tackled my legs and we fell over into a heap on the floor.

"I knew you were in a right state Dave, but this is just sad."

Robbie leaned against my doorway "Tom, you in that mass of heaving men love?"

Tom jumped up pink and flustered. Ha.

"Stop calling it that!"

I grinned at Robbie "Our love is one that dares to speak it's name!"

"SHUT UP!"

I put my arm round Tom's shoulder "Show we tell them now, Lover, of our undying love for each other? Our bodies pressed together, warm flesh to warm flesh.."

Tom shoved me off "OK OK SHUT UP!"

Sven leapt into Tom's arms "Kiss me, Kate!" and snogged him.

Right on the lips.

I've never seen Tom run so fast.

Dec watched him scarper from the window sill "Too bad he's not that fast in footie."

"All you have to do is set Sven on him."

"Yes, well, that will send any sane person running."

"Hence Rosie's appeal to him."

**4pm**

They've left to collect the girls.

And Georgia.

And I'm to be at Luigi's by..OH DEAR GOD right now!

Grabbed random shirt and PANTS and threw them on as I went out, nearly breaking my neck down the stairs.

As I passed her door, Sissy poked her head out "Go get 'em Tiger!" .

She must be watching Spiderman again She's obsessed, that girl. Especially with Tobey McGuire in a body-fitting suit..

OH GOD JUST HAD A FLASH OF HOMOSEXUALITY ..MUST THINK MACHO THOUGHTS

Footie . Men sweating, shorts, rugby OH DEAR GOD PLEASE DO NOT SPAZ AND LOSE IT NOW!

Not when I am so close!

**10 Minutes Later**

Ran into Costa's and she wasn't even there yet, phew.

The Ace Gang and Barmy Army had pushed three tables together in the back and were sitting there talking.

They waved me over and told me what to do.

**10 Minutes Later**

Hiding behind a menu with a spare cappuccino.

I can't believe I am doing this.

My heart feels ready to jump out my mouth.

Rollo asked me before they left ""What are you going to do ?"

'Close my eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream. That's how I get by. "

Rollo scoffed "That explains a lot."

"The trouble with me, I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it. "

**5 Minutes Later**

Does she really think of me that much?

What if she doesn't?

What if ..oh God what if I pour hot cappu down my front?

Or accidentally poo myself?

Oh,. GOD.

Did I remember to wear PANTS?

**1 Minute Later**

OH MY GOD AM I WEARING TROUSERS?

**3 Minutes Later**

Was double checking I had trousers on, and didn't even see her come in.

I heard her talking though.

"So what's the big news?"

*PAUSE*

"So, what's the goss?"

I heard Jas say "Do you want a cappu?"

'Well, I-"

That's my cue!

Real quietly I stood up and came behind her.

She looked soo gorgeous, even from behind.

She had her hair all done up.

And I could smell her perfume.

But not in a bad way.

Oh GOD. What am I doing? I have a girlfriend who is nice to me (when she's not pushing me down a flight of stairs). This was a bad idea.

I turned round but then Robbie looked at me and said "About time Mate"

Gee sort of dithered, then she turned round.

She saw me, and it was like when I first saw her.

Only she looked really really good. Mature, but not old, but ..Oh, I don't know.

She stared at me then shot out of her chair and hugged me, nearly bowling me over.

I set the cappu down on a spare table then hugged her back, wrapping my arms around her and burying my nose in her hair she smelled and felt SO good.

She must have realized she still wasn't talking to me because she leapt away, but then she started babbling on "How are you? When did you get released? I mean, If I'd known-

"I'm sorry, I mean, I didn't-".

Hmm same old Georgia.

I held up one finger and she raised an eye brow.

So I did too.

She raised her other eyebrow so I did too.

She grinned and did a little dance so . I did too.

She laughed and reached out and touched my arm.

It was like lightning.

I dug out a pencil and paper in my pocket.

What can I say?

OH GOD.

I think my brain has fallen out.

And..yep I peeked and Gee is watching me.

I have to pretend to write SOMETHING so she won't think I've gone barmy.

BUT WHAT DO I WRITE?

**35 Seconds Later**

I ended up just writing 'Hi' and handing it to her.

She read it, puzzled, then looked at me.

I smiled cheerily (well, as I could) and waved.

She hit me in the shoulder.

Cor, I missed that.

"You're mad."

I took the paper and wrote : "YOU'RE mad."

"No, you're mad!"

I took it and wrote "Mad about my gorgeousnosty and incredible sexynosity."

She read it and biffed me one "No I am not!"

I mouthed "Oh Yes." to her.

She tried to biff me again but I grabbed her arms and pinned them down across her chest.

Our faces were about 2 centimeters apart.

Talk about intense snogging frustration.

But then some fools in Herring Hats (DON'T ask. Apparently that is what we are going to wear to the Viking and Viking Bride's wedding) anyways they all went "Awwwww!"

We leapt away from each other like Herrings but she didn't take her eyes off mine.

I could tell she wanted to you know, say SOMETHING.

OH GOD.

I just wanted to tell her how much I miss her.

She blinked a couple times then turned and put her coat on.

I wrote her a note.

She read it then looked at me ""Where am I going? We're having an early supper."

I wrote : "Can I walk you?"She smiled (!) "Sure."

I winked at Robbie and followed her out.

**6 Minutes Later**

As soon as we were out she was all chatty again.

She was saying "Hahah, did you SEE their faces? They didn't know what to say! Oh,er,sorry."

I winked at her and held out my hand to hold.

She looked at it like it was broccoli.

What? What?

I looked at my hand then at her but she STILL didn't get it.

I did a little jig of frustration and Georgia laughed a bit "Did you just stamp your foot? I thought only girls did it on TV."

So I stuck my tongue out at her.

**12 Minutes Later**

When we got to hers she didn't really want me coming in but she did and we went up to her room.

Well, her sister's room.

Libby was busy in Gee's room doing who-knows-what.

Gee led me to Lib's room.

But she was all nervy and twitchy, like Caretaker McKnob (not really his name, but he's Scottish and a ginger knob-head) when we put a scorpion down his caretaker's dungarees.

I smiled at her but she went "Would you like some cocoa?" then ran off before I could even answer.

Hmmmm.

**1 Minute Later**

There's a photo album on the desk.

I suppose there's no harm looking through it, is there?

**3 Minutes Later**

There's mainly pictures of cats and what I have a suspicion is poo.

**2 Minutes Later**

There's quite a bit of Gee in here too. She must really love her big sister.

Was putting the album backed when noticed a photo on the desk-it was Gee and Libs, both in Easter Bunny costumes.

Hmm Gee looks vair cuddly as a bunny. Love the cottontail.

Gee was holding Libby. She must have been about one.

Gee came in with a tray.

I set the picture down and we sat on the bed.

She looked at me but she looked a bit peaky.

"Alright?"

She looked a bit sick.

Hmmm.

Well, no delaying the inevitable I reckon.

**12 Minutes Later**

I tried writing but everything I've written comes off cheesy.

Read what I had so far:

"Do you know what it's like getting up every morning for me? Feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man. But, at the same time hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you. To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love; but then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love; to be happy then is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy; therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. "

Right, that should erm, get it all out there (Ooer).

I tossed it to her-and it landed in her cocoa!

Incredible!

It splashed up over her shirt (Hmmm white shirt too) and she jumped up ,spazzing out all over the place.

She looked like she had a poo explosion all down her front.

I tried-God, I tried- but I had to laugh.

She looked gorgey and mad all at the same time, her hair all about and worried about her clothes.

I'll never understand girls and their clothes obsession.

Same with the Handbag Horse.

I mean, he wore SUITS.

What a git.

**1 Minute Later**

Gee has gone to change. I tried to follow to 'help' but she wouldn't have any of it.

Damn.

**5 Minutes Later**

Now what?

**1 Minute Later**

Sit here and wait for her, I suppose.

**2 Minutes Later**

Still not back.

I may as well make myself comfortable.

**3 Minutes Later**

Lay back on the bed with my eyes closed when I heard the door open. I thought it was Gee so I sat up, but it was Libby.

She was in a ballerina outfit, and had a pink handbag.

Sweet.

"Hi."

"Hi. Are you Gee's boyfwend?"

"Well, no we're just mates."

She grinned. Scary.

'Good, we snoggle now!"

Snoggle? What?

But then she tried to snog me.

I jumped up. Oh dear God I am being attacked by a toddler.

I fended her off with a hockey stick (why is this in HER room?) and cast about for something to distract her. My eye fell on her handbag.

"Libby, what is that you've got?"

She smiled "It's naiiiice" and sat on the floor "Sit with me ,bad botty boy!"

**24 Minutes Later**

Libby kept trying to snog me (ERLACK) so I had to promise to be her Barbie only to get her to stop.

She was just finishing my lippy (Mmmmm Spearmint flavor!) when Gee came in.

Uh oh.

Now how am I going to explain this?

I am trying a new look?

**2 Seconds Later**

I am practicing to be big girl?

Yes-that is it.

I wrote that and handed to Gee.

**15 Minutes Later**

Gee stopped laughing long enough to send Libby away then literally dragged me to her room (!).

I think she nearly pulled my arm out of it's socket.

I like it rough, har har.

She had her hair all up.

Phwoar.

It took all my strength to not just leap up and snog her within an inch of her life.

"You look sexy. Hot date?"

She read that and went pink, tee hee.

I tried to laugh but it just hurt.

She came over and sat next to me. "Now what?"

I pointed at her bag and raised my eyebrow.

"My overnight bag. Mum said I could go to Jas'."

Wrote :

"Yes but that is where you are wrong, SexKitty;YOU are coming home with ME."

She looked at me. "And what makes you think I am mad enough to do that?"

Funnily enough, that is exactly when her Libby came tapping at the door.

"Georgieee,Ginger,Mummie wants you."

'Go away Libs."

'No! You stoled my boyfwend you dirty tosser twat!"

Good Lord, where does she learn these things?

**3 Seconds Later**

Never mind

Then her MUM knocked on the door "Georgia, are you in there?"

"No."

" Libby says you have a boy with you."

Oh Dear God.

"No Mum it's erm,Jas, she has cut her fringe herself so now she looks like Henry the 8th."

'Why can't you girls leave yourselves alone? Well, come Eddie wants to take us to his show and I want to meet this new fancy boy of yours. Maybe he'll want to come along with to your uncle's gig?'

Oh Poor Gee, her family is the maddest thing I've ever seen.

Mum looked round at me. She was all panicky, just about to have a nervy b.

I got a whatsit-a flash (LEAVE it, you !).

Wrote:

"OUT THE WINDOW THEN?"

"NO, no no way."

Gee's Mum tapped at the door again.

Gee looked at the door then back to me.

Well, where I was .

I'd done sneaking over and opening the window and was well on my way out.

Gee gasped.

"Dave, NO ! You've only just got out of surgery!" and tried to pull me in.

I gently pushed her hand away, then leaned out

PLEASE God if I miss please don't let Gee see. Or at least make sure I die fast before everyone comes round and laughs at me.

I jumped to the tree and incredibly I made it.

I grinned back at Gee but she was still being a bit of a div at the window.

Now what?

"You're beyond mad, you are .are.."

I leaned over and held out my hand.

It's now or never .

Took a breath "Do you trust me?"

She looked at me and I sort of felt everything fall away, like I was falling out the tree, but I wasn't.

I just felt so. ..calm.

"Do you trust me?"

For a second I thought she was going to say 'No.'

Or push me.

But then she said yes and took my hand.

**7 Minutes Later**

She threw her bag out then I helped her out.

I had to hold her round the waist.

It made me all .well, you can guess.

But I don't think she even noticed.

I am just a mate to her, after all.

GOD.

GOD GOD GOD.

She jujued her hair.

Good Lord even when she does that and (accidentally, I am sure) makes her hair stand on end I STILL go melty.

And I am even talking like her.

This is B-A-D BAD!

"So now what?"

She was all smiley.

**12 Minutes Later, Outside Jas'**

Somehow I used my Biscuitosity skills and convinced her to come round to mine.

Must stop at Jas' first, make sure all bases are covered, etc.

**3 Minutes Later**

Watching Gee throw rocks at Jas' window.

She has great form.

Gee I mean, not Jas.

Erghh.

**5 Minutes Later**

Was holding up score cards, like the Olympics scoring each of Georgia's throws.

She was laughing so hard she wasn't paying attention and beaned Jas in the middle of her forehead.

"Georgia, why aren't you with Dave?"

Typical.

She probably thinks I've chickened out or something !

**2 Minutes Later**

OK, I did but not on purpose-I wrote what I was going to tell her, but it fell into her cocoa.

So that must count for something.

Jas invited her in.

I get the feeling Jas would not be very pleased to see me.

She is worried more about veggies and owls then anything else.

And Tom told me if I told her he's not coming back to England he'd string me up by the balls.

So I am trying to avoid the pair of them as much as possible.

So that is why , as Jas went to get a plaster for her forehead (ahahah) I did sneaky-sneaky in.

Gee looked at me a bit weird, but what else is new?

And I can't tell her WHY I am , vis- -vis Tom and his Owl Problems. I know Gee and I also know Gee can NOT keep a secret, especially from 'Radio Jas' (her words, NOT mine).

**6 Minutes Later**

Poking around Jas' room.

I found her diary.

It was in a desk drawer labeled 'diary'. (really).

Holy Hell she is organized.

Gee just showed me her knickers (no no no, I mean Jas' knickers. No, OH MY GOD, I mean she opened up JAS' drawer and showed me JAS' knickers).

They are labeled according to the day of the week.

How sad.

I handed Gee the diary and started moving her knickers round Jas knickers I mean..Ermmmmm the ones in her drawer I mean !

LEAVE IT!

**4 Minutes Later**

Georgia looked up at me and said, a bit breathlessly, "Dave, for that long?"

I pulled her to me.

I looked at her eyes and felt the stuff I am supposed to feel-swooshes and so on-but then Fringey had to ruin it all and came into her room.

I shoved the diary in a drawer and jumped in the closet.

Sneaky, sneaky.

**10 Seconds Later**

There is a bucket of pond scum in here.

WHY?

**20 Seconds Later**

The mental image I got from that was not at all flattering.

I can hear the girls talking :

"Hi best matey."

"What do you want Georgia? Tom and I are going for a walkabout and I've to pack."

"It's about Dave."

"Yes well that's a first. Where did you two get up to anyways?"

Gee left for the loos.

Why?

I opened the door a crack and peeked out.

Jas sat on her bed and started labeling her knickers.

What a weed.

**1 Minute Later**

Oh dear God she's snogging a picture of Tom.

Erlack and yet strangely turning me on.

**1 Minute Later**

I wonder if Gee does that to my picture?

**50 Seconds Later**

Does she even have a picture of me?

I know she has a picture of Robbie..

OH DEAR GOD that mental image is NOT needed.

Stepped back and ran into the bucket.

Damn.

**2 Minutes Later**

And I REALLY REALLY hope Tom doesn't really rub his erm, private parts with mud.

**4 Minutes Later**

Was trying to remove THAT mental image when Gee came back in.

Jas shoved the picture under a pillow.

How sad.

I must remember to check under Gee's pillow next time I am there.

Gee was saying, "Why are you doing that? In case your feet go off on their own, and get lost? Are you going to attach a little map and compass too? They may need snacksies, if they are going to go off on their own you know."

She's so funny. Jas didn't think so, though.

"THEY'RE BLOODY SOCKS, GEORGIA."

"My my aren't we a bit touchy?"

That set Jas off and she went all pink and started crying.

Gee sat on Jas bed. I noticed she shoved off a few owls, but not the Owl Queen herself.

'I'm sorry, It's just -he's leaving in a month, right after the wedding. He'll be gone for a whole month, can you believe it?"

"Well, yes, actually. That is what Robbie did."

She looked up at Georgia.

Her nose was all pink and her eyes were puffy and red. She looked like an owl with vair bad allergies.

"What does Robbie has to do with anything?"

And Gee said "Robbie wants to have a talk"

WHAT?

When did he say that?

He KNOWS I am trying to patch things up with her, bloody snake.

"How do you feel about him then, over Dave?"

OH MY GOD.

I pressed my ear against the crack (LEAVE it) but Gee didn't have time to answer because the doorbell rang and Jas' mum called up the stairs 'Georgia, love, it's for you, that nice Jennings boy."

**20 Minutes Later**

Mad whirlwind of makeup and fluffy hair.

Georgia looks gorgeous as she is. Why does she do that to herself?

I hate to admit it but I watched her put on her lippy.

It was like everything went slow.

She means everything to me.

If I lost her one more time I don't know what I'd do.

I looked down at my wrist and realized I was tracing the lines.

I drew my sleeves down and sat on a box, then leapt up quick when the box moved and started ribbiting.

Bloody Tom and his bloody frogs.

Looked round and for a minute couldn't see Gee-and started to panic.

Oh, God.

The Biscuit is losing his edge.

But then I saw her going out the door, behind Jas.

I caught Gee's eye and winked and she shrugged back at me.

Hmmm .

**3 Minutes Later**

Jas followed Gee to the door so I had a chance to nip up to Jas' room. It overlooks the wall. I figure if I open the window a crack I could eavesdr-erm, 'accidentally overhear' everything that Robbie and Gee say.

"Robbie."

Why is she talking proper, like a Cockney maid?

I don't even think he noticed.

"Georgia, there is something I really need to tell you."

'Do you want to go for coffee then?"

"No, Lindsay is waiting for me at home. She's leaving for her Grandparents for a few weeks-they're very sick."

She probably doesn't even know he's escaped her slimy octopus clutches .

'We could wait till after then? So Lindsay doesn't, you know, kill me or anything. That may put a damper on things, Ireland-wise."

Silly girl .

Robbie looked down at his feet. Huh, he got new footie shoes.

"I know, but I don't think it can wait."

He sat down on the garden wall and Gee was sat next to him.

They stared up at the stars.

I felt myself falling to sleep but then Robbie said ""When I went to New Zealand, I could never stop thinking about you."

Oh God, not him too?

I could visibly see Gee spazzing.

"Uhmmmm."

Does she like him too?

OH DEAR LORD.

What if I over thought it all, and she was just being nice?

I -I -I can't breathe.

I jumped down from the sill and tore open Jas' door, to see her standing there

"Move Vole"

She crossed her arm "What are you doing in my room?"

"Knitting. Nuclear Physics. Now MOVE!" but she wouldn't.

I had to physically move her out of the way.

Dashed down stairs and slammed the door open.

Robbie jumped up and Gee fell off the wall.

Good.

No, I didn't mean that, I-

OH I DON'T KNOW.

Robbie helped Gee up but looked at me a bit gunny.

Why?

He KNOWS I making a try for Gee.

Why would he ?

"Were you with Dave?"

I looked at Gee and she looked at me.

I could see tears in her eyes.

Good.

I turned on my heel and started off down the street.

**30 Minutes Later, The Park**

Walked and walked and ended up here.

I can't believe it's like this.

**2 Minutes Later**

Well, no actually I can.

I guess I was right- I am going to never have her after all.

I took out my knife and traced my wrist.

I hurt so much.

Who would notice if I made a cut-just one little cut?

I've not done it for so long ever since the whole Masimo and Hamburger-a-no no no, I mean America fiasco.

That was nearly a year ago.

What difference would one little cut make ?

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

The therapist said to close my eyes and count to ten-count ten things GOOD with my life.

OK

1) I have a marvy yet mad little brother who looks up to me like a hero (like he should!)

2) I have a sister who is, well, OK let's just say I have a sister

3) I have a Mum who loves me

4) Uhm I have mates.

**2 Seconds Later**

Who steals the girl I love (I do, don't I?) when he KNOWS I want her as bad as I do.

**1 Minute Later**

I traced the knife across my vein.

"Down the street. Not across the tracks."

**3 Minutes Later**

Sitting under a tree.

I don't feel any different.

Maybe I should do it again?

It took me 4 cuts last time to feel any release.

I took my knife out and traced the cut, over and over.

Then I felt my face got all hot.

I touched my face and when I took it away it was wet from tears.

**3 Seconds Later**

Why doesn't she love me?

Why doesn't she want me like I want her?

Then I heard her come by.

I knew it was her because of her perfume.

I stepped out of the shadows. When she saw me she jumped and backed away a little.

Why?

Did she think I was going to hurt her like that Homosexualist bastard?

"What took you so long?"

"Well, I -Jas and her fringe, and Robbie-"

"Ah"

Of course.

Robbie.

"Ah what?"

"You never stop, do you?"

"Dave, we need to stop this. I don't-I mean, I don't think I ..you know "

I looked at her. "What Georgia?"

"Why can't we just be mates, you know, have a laugh, like old times?"

"Is that really what you want?"

She threw up her hands and sat down on a swing. "I don't know what I want anymore."

Ha. You're telling me, mate

I came up and stood near her.

**20 Seconds Later**

I don't think she even knows how I feel.

I don't think she ever did, now .

"The problem is I know what I want but I also know that I'll never get it and I have to accept the fact."

She looked up and round to me "What are you going to do then?"

"I got accepted to 'Harvard. It's a uni in Hamb-erm, America."

'Oh well that's great, Dave!"

She smiled but it was so obvs fake.

'Yeah, Dad wanted me to be doctor, and then he died so I guess it's up to me."

"That's a top school, innit? Jas tells me all the time about useless stuff about the other day she was naming the top universities of Germany and I had to literally stuff my dirty Sports sock in her big gob to shut her even then she kept going."

"She does get carried away, doesn't she?"

"She should be."

That made me laugh. But then I remembered my arms and stuck my hands in my pockets.

I don't know why I bother- she is so into herself. I knew I should have seen that earlier but I guess I was too stupid and blindeded to.

I mean, she's getting involved with Robbie.

Who is marrying Lindsay.

"Georgia, I have to tell you this, I don't think you know what you are getting yourself into, with Robbie."

"Robbie?"

"Yes, your 'Sex God'

"Well, he's just a mate." she sniffed.

Huh.

"Like us?' I muttered but she heard and looked at me

"What?"

"Nuffink..Look,Georgia, I think we should just, end it."

"We did, remember you chose Emma ?"

"Yes then she pushed me down the stairs but she apologized for it.A lot."

She looked at me and all of a sudden I felt really nervous.

"We -we're back together."

"You are? Even after she-like-What?"

"You're not turning into Ellen are you? Anyway, I thought it unfair, the way I was treating her, so we're starting new, pretending it didn't happen. WE didn't happen."

" She doesn't know you're talking to me, does she?"

Huh, score one for Gee .

"And that's why you've been hiding in the shadows?"

Maybe not.

'Well-" I self-consciously put my hands behind my back.

"I see."

"She's good to me. And she bakes."

"That's not normal."

"I know you joke but it really maybe you'll find someone good for you."

"Yes,well,I-I've to go" and she ran off.

What, why?

**3 Minutes Later**

Probably expecting a call from Robbie.

I'm going home.

**14 Minutes Later**

No one in when I got home, thank GOD.

I don't think I could stand to listen to Sissy saying how 'I'm too immature', 'She sounds like a right tart', etc.

I just want to crawl into a corner and die.

On the way I saw Mark who flipped me two fingers.

He must still be upset I kicked his arse over Gee that one time.

Though, if I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.

**Bed**

4 messages from the guys, mainly about footie.

And one from Sven. I think he asked me to marry him. I'm not quite sure.

The last one was from Robbie.

"Hey, listen Dave, about earlier we have to talk. I been having these dreams. Well they aren't really dreams, they are more like nightmares. Anyways, I'll ring you later. S'laters."

**Bed**

Laying in bed but I can't sleep.

I am glad, though. It just means I won't have that damned dream again.

I have the curtains open a bit and can see out, but all I see is black-vair dark out.

It's like that one song-you know :

Doowop dooby doo doowop doowah doolangBlue days black nights doowah doolang I look into the sky, the love you need ain't gonna see you through And I wonder why the little things you planned ain't coming true Oh oh Telephone Line, give me some time, I'm living in twilightOh oh Telephone Line, give me some time, I'm living in twilight

Good God now I really am depressed.

I think I'll go for a walk.

Cutting hasn't stopped me from thinking of her even.

**Out**

Walked and walked.

Very cold out. Thank God I wear long sleeves now to hide you know.

No one else is out so I can at least think.

**3 Minutes Later**

And, of course, all I can think of is her.

HELL.

**Later**

Wandered round, not really paying attention to where I was going until I recognized the house I was standing outside of -Georgia's.

No lights are on, and it's too dark for anyone to see me.

I took out my knife and idly traced the tip down my wrist.

Then I saw what I was doing and put it away (Ooer the knife, I mean!).

Maybe if I sit out here I will be able to sleep, knowing I am at least near her.

**Saturday, January 29th**

**9am**

Woke up in the dirt outside Georgia's.

I had The Dream again last night: Robbie, airport, etc.

Only this time he told me I couldn't delay the inevitable.

Also in my dream, he says the sooner I let go and say 'Bye' to her the sooner all her and mine pain will end.

What does that mean?

I am not quite sure but it means something particularly nasty is going to happen to her.

And I don't want to let her go.

Not now.

**Teatime**

Robbie rang.

"Dave? You sound a bit-off."

Yeah, let me pretend to be your mate then snog the girl you like behind your back..oh, wait, I already did.

I wonder if this is how Robbie felt when he found out?

"You-you can't come to my Fabbaloontastic Comeback gig."

"Why?"

"You can't. I can't say goodbye, not to her."

He started to say 'What?" but I hung up and unplugged the phone so he couldn't ring back.

I feel bad- he is my mate after all-but still.

He stole Gee away.

I don't think I could stand telling her goodbye.

I've tried calling her all day but every time she answers I slam the phone down.

Arghhh what is wrong with me ?

Why can't this be easy?

**Kitchen**

Went downstairs for munchies. Jacob was playing Pokemon with another toddlery folk.

She stood up and smiled then I realized who it was. Libby, Georgia's little sister.

"Davey boy! Gives us a snog"

"No not right now Libby. So, er, does Gee talk about me?She crossed her eyes "Ginger is mean tosser tart."

Hmmmmm..

I could have told her that.

Unfortunately Libby decided to snog my leg.

She only went off when Josh tried to sneak out the door.

**4pm**

Tom texted for Footie In The Park After Dark I guess there's a gig tonight and everyone's going to wear those snap stick lights and play footie in the park.

In their PANTS.

Girls too.

Hmmm .

**Bed**

Mum brought me dinner in bed (!). :pasta in Avogadro sauce with broccoli, chicken and carrots. corn soup, and mash.

Hhmmm...

As Mum was setting my tray up she said in what she probably thinks is a casual way "Cissy told me about Georgia."

Oh, DAMN !

After an hour of The Talk she finally went off.

Bloody sisters.

**Sunday, January 30th**

**11am**

Didn't go to the gig last night-the thought of Gee getting off with someone else was too much to stand.

Didn't even sleep last night.

I guess my insomnia is coming back, too.

I even watched movies with Cissy, some girly movie. It had the word PANTS in title so I thought it would be good.

But it wasn't.

And yet I watched about 30 movies with Cissy again today, and they were ALL wedding-related.

I think she did that on purpose.

While she was changing discs she said casually "So how's it going with Gee, then?"

Oh, GOD.

I said "I've homework to do."

So now, sadly, I am in my room doing homework.

**4 Minutes Later**

Who ever thought up Latin must have a grand time, giggling to himself as he changed the rules for each verb ,

(such as the Vitamin E Rule).

2 Minutes Later

In his Olds' basement, where he lives.

**20 Minutes Later**

Can't concentrate. Tried playing WoW, and blasting Linkin Park but that didn't work.

All it did was make me more depressed.

GOD.

GOD GOD GOD.

WHY CAN'T THIS BE EASY?

Banged my head on the wall till Cissy poked her head through my door "If you are going to kill yourself can you do it quietly?"

"Can you just kill your self so I won't have to Cissy?"

She yelled 'and stop calling me Cissy!" and slammed out.

I guess her boyfriend, Michael 'The Hands' Hanson hasn't rung.

Welcome to the Party, only knobs and loners need apply.

Holy Hell and good night.

**40 Minutes Later**

Can't sleep.

Switched off my lights and put a blanket over my head but still couldn't. I even tried putting a pillow over my head so maybe I could inhale the cover and suffocate to death but that didn't work (obvs.)

**40 Minutes Later**

Made a cardboard guillotine and set my self in it, for my history project.

I was making sure it was to scale, and was on my knees when Siss-erm, Mariyah walked by

"Stop being so dramatic. She'll come round."

I yelled "Thanks SISSY!"

Had to duck her shoe.

She is so senselessly violent.

**34 Minutes Later**

Reduced to playing Pirates with Josh.

We made a fort out of cardboard boxes and I even made bottles of Rum (Gatorade) by wrapping bottles in brown paper with a skull and crossbones and 'Rum' on it.

**31 Minutes Later**

Was ducked down shooting T-Rexes (Josh says they lived in Never Neverland and ate Tinkerbells..he's mad that one) when someone knocked on my hat.

Thinking it was Mariyah I stood, saying "Arrr hands off me booty!"

Tom, Dec, Rollo, Sven and James were stand there.

CRAP.

**Park**

Dragged out for footie in the park against my will.

Dec's older bro, Daren was there from Cambridge for the weekend.

I noticed the girls bobbing behind a bush, applying makeup and so on.

Bloody great.

"I don't think I can do this."

"Yes well I know you're not the best footie player."

I tried to slug him but he danced out of my way, bloody git.

Tom followed my gaze and put his arm round my shoulder.

"Get off, homo."

He lifted an eyebrow. "No 'playing hard to get'? You must really be feeling bad.

I shrugged and went and sat under a tree.

**1 hour,45 Minutes Later**

The Lads won.

I'd like to say it's for our (well, their) superior footie skills but no, during a goal dispute Sven lifted the other guy and snogged him right on the mouth.

And I think there was a bit of tongue.

Erlack.

Went to some Mexican place for dinner.

We didn't get to eat, though. We were kicked out and I am pretty sure banned for life after Sven decided the Mariachis needed dancing lesson.

I don't think Sven doing high-kicks was what did it, though.

Or the incident with the chorizo down his PANTS ..

**1 Minutes Later**

I hope we are not seriously going to be footed the bill for the Chihuahua's therapy sessions.

**Bed**

Walking through town alone, minding my own business when I saw Gee come out of a restaurant followed by Robbie.

Unbe-bloody-lievable !

How can she?

I mean, really?

**5 Minutes Later**

OK, OK I KNOW we aren't officially dating.

But still.

**10 Minutes Later**

Does she still really rate him that much?

What has HE got that I haven't got?

Could he be a better snogger?

**45 Minutes Later**

Hahahaha, yeah right if the past is anything to go by!

I am, after all, Jack the Biscuit, and like that one song says, Ain't No Mountain High Enough Is Gonna Get Me Down' !

**3 Minutes Later**

Or something like that.

I think I feel good enough to eat a bit of something.

**5 Minutes Later**

Yum Yum , Ready Brek.

**10 Seconds Later**

I have been reduced to being excited about cereals.

Something good happen to me soon, please, God.

Sven was telling me about some porn mags he wanted to give me but I wasn't really paying attention.

I've had enough girls for now.

**3 Minutes Later**

Not that I am turning Homosexualist.

Or ever WILL.

Snogging or touching any other guy is erghhhh.

**20 Minutes Later**

Gee one time asked me what the difference was, homosexualness and slapping each other on the arse after a good match.

I said "Slapping each other is a sign of machoness, saying we ARE the men."

"By touching everyone else's' butts?"

"Yes, well, there are never usually girls round. And grabbing the frontal bits will, well, hurt and no one wants to go through that."

I don't think she got it, as such.

**9pm,Bed**

I have been thinking and thinking about anything BUT Georgia (or her butt for that matter..hmmm).

and here are 10 things that I came up with :

1. Free porn...is NEVER free.

2. What is the point of nose hair?

3. I've spent more time this year on math homework than with my mates.

4. Ditto Latin.

5. And Physics

6 And History.

7. I can hear the dog, a border collie, drinking out of the toilet.

8. I have dead flies splattered and dried to almost a concrete form on my window.

9. And yet I still don't care to clean them off.

10. We all think it would be cool if money grew on trees, something the famous expression denies, but in reality, if money DID grow on trees, inflation would be a bitch and the money would be worth nothing.

11.I think I've gotten diabetes over the past few days, surviving solely on cereal and blue Gatorade.

12. Whoever invented blue Gatorade deserves to be knighted.

13. The last person who snogged me was 4 and mad.

14. I need a hobby.

**1:45am**

Couldn't sleep so went on another walk.

I found a perfect song for how I feel:

Let me silently acquiesce

I've strained and snapped under the stress

Let my thoughts become a mantra

As I crumble in the night

Let my darkest, worst desires

Fuel the raging, heated pyres

As mind becomes inferno

And I erupt in the night

Let the blade not make me fear

Let my horrid thoughts be clear

They might repulse you, normal you

But they're all I've got to hold on to

You place yourselves above me

Think you're lucky not to be me

Think that something must be wrong

To incite such hatred in my being

Perhaps it's you who needs rejection

You need a biting, stinging injection

Of toxic ridicule and derision into

The veins of your consciousness

Maybe then you would know why

I think that everything should die

I'd rid the world of all its filth

And let the process start anew

My thoughts are interrupted by my body's need for sleep

Perhaps you're lucky, for you don't have to peer into me so deep

I am not your Prince Charming, never have been, never will

I am me, the ever-hating, and I bid you all good night

Just wandered around, listening to that and Hybrid Rainbow:

((I'm laid back, I watch the sky

As clouds go floating by

It's so nice to take a break

And rest my eyes

Do you see that cloud right there?

I think it kinda looks a bit like you

We should go

Back to the field

And watch them all

I'm done shedding

My tears for you

It's not like

I hate you

I should just let go

And only think

Of all the fun that we had

CAN'T YOU SEE?

CAN YOU KNOW MY HEART IS SCREAMING?

I BURN

FOR YOU

BUT I CAN'T FIX THE PAST

SO I'LL CARRY FORWARD

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED

Truly you brought joy to me

All the times we laughed so carefree

Now echoes inside my thoughts

And fills my dreams

I loved you then

As I do now

You're my drug

You're my high

But my addiction

Won't hold me back

I threw the syringe away

CAN'T YOU SEE?

WHAT YOUR ABSENCE HAS DONE TO ME?

COULD YOU KNOW

THAT YOU

WOULD RIP ME TO SHREDS AND FREEZE MY SPIRIT

WHEN YOU WERE GONE

Can't you see?

Couldn't you have stopped yourself then?

How could you

Not know

That the person who hurt you most

Needed you?

Where are you?

What do you see when you look down?

Is the world

So big

That you can't come look for me, just once

And talk to me ))

I don't know why but again I ended up under Gee's window.

Her light was off.

I wonder if she's dreaming about Robbie?

Or me?

I looked down and realized I was tracing my wrist with my knife again.

I better remember to wear long sleeves tomorrow.

**Monday, January 31st**

**8am, Assembly**

Bushed this ,morning.

Took my usual place in line and the Barmy Army all looked at me but they didn't say anything.

Pray God no one puts two-and-two together and realize I am slowing going mad over a girl.

Jack the Biscuit can NOT go mad over a girl.

It's bad for my reputation as 100% verified Universal Stud.

**9am**

**History**

Mock American trials today.

I am the judge and have to wear a poncey wig.

Tom, Rollo and so on will NOT let it go.

I don't think I look too bad, if it wasn't white. And there were more curls.

**2 Minutes Later**

CRAP CRAP and bollocks.

Dec caught me looking at myself in my wig in the mirror.

He said "Hello Ginger." only he said it in a 'Ooooh Get you!" sort of way.

Must remind myself to kill him later.

There goes my 100% verified Universal stud status.

Must find a way to re-new it.

**Lunk,Canteen**

Fried chicken for lunch.

So naturally there were loads of lame titches making rudey-dudey breast jokes.

I doubt they've even seen one (and their mum's or grandmum's doesn't count).

I stuck two down my shirt, outwards "Brr it's nippy noodles out!"

Everyone laughed and carried on, as usual.

In fact I even heard one of the Uppers say 'Same old Dave."

Hmmm.

No one noticed I used one of Gee's phrases, I don't think.

**Physics**

Rollo had to be taken to Casualty for getting two Fritos up his nose so I've been stuck with Tom.

Great, more ramblings about voles.

And 'feelings.'

If he says "Dave, Jas and I have a really deep, meaningful relationship' one more time I am going to stab him to death with a piezoelectric Igniter (we're making clip motors).

**10 Minutes Later**

As we stripped copper wires Tom said "Dave, Jas and I have a really deep, meaningful relationship."

I said 'I WARNED you." and smacked him with my clipboard and held him down to poke his eye with the igniter.

Professor Huxley eventually pulled me off and sent me to Headmaster C^^kSucker.

Really his name is CookStocker but after one of the Upper Sixths last year caught him doing things we've given him a new name.

At any rate, as I went and sat Mr C^^kSucker looked up and, seeing me, groaned.

"Oh, God, not you again."

Hmm pleasant.

"I thought you missed having our little chats."

He buried his face in his hands "Now what've you done? If it involves bangers and loos I may very well expel myself on permanent leave."

"Yes, well tempting as that is I am just here because I missed you."

He looked at me.

"Ok, I told Tom Jennings if talked about 'feelings' and 'meaningful relationships' again I'd shove a piezoelectric Igniter up his left nostril."

"And ?"

"He did."

**Latin**

I've been told off but not really punished. I think he is afraid punishing me or expelling me will only compel me to do naughty things (ooer, his words not mine!) again.

And it has.

The first thing Tom said was "Do you need a hug?"

AND HE TRIED TO HUG ME!

I beat him off with my clipboard.

What is with Tom lately?

What is it with you lately, mate?"

"Wot do ya mean?"

"You're acting a bit... "

"Queer" Dec added in.

I nodded "Yes, that."

"I've just come realize, Dave I LOVE YOU!"

I jumped up "Get off get off, eurgghhh."

I turned round and everyone was busting out laughing, even Tom.

**Break**

Laying on the playground.

No one messes with us.

I'd like to say it is because we are the Cocks of the Walks, but no, it's going round now I am Tom's secret lover.

Damnit.

Rollo said "Did you do your LA homework, Mrs. Tom Jennings?"

"1-Shuddup. 2-Sadly, I did. Ultra sadly, I don't remember doing it."

Rollo still wanted to copy anyways.

**2 Minutes Later**

Rollo handed my paper back.

'I can't copy this, mate."

"Why?"

"Read it.":

:

'Certain words, while not commonly used in the common language lexicon, can be quite versatile.

To F**K for example.

As a Noun:

"Damn! That f***ker got away!"

As both a Prefix and a Suffix to a Noun:

"Hey, f**kface, are you up for a goatf**k?

As a Verb:

"That goat is HUNG; I'd f***k her like I f**cked your granddad."

As an Adjective:

"That f***king Homosexualist Handbag git won't get away with it."

As a Transitive Verb:

"Masimo f***cks goats and little boys.

As an Intransitive Verb:

"Georgia f***ks"

As a place/name:

"Oh, I a feel so nice in my f**ck"

As a proper noun:

"I am F**k ! F**k of the Mountain! "

As an Adverb:

"Masimo traipsed f**ckfully through the leafy f**khole. Like the fairy he is."

As an exclamation:

"F**ck!"

As an indefinite pronomina:

"How much does Masimo know? "Masimo knows f**kall."

An excellent interjection between syllables:

"Abso-f**king-lutely not. (or) That's de-f**king-licous"

As a substitute for song lyrics you can't remember:

"Billie F**k f**k not my lover, she's just a f*ck who f*ck that I f**ck the f**ck. But kid is not f**k goat."

This word can even be used almost exclusively in one sentence:

"FeCK THE FeCKED FeCKER AND THE FeCKER WHO FeCKED HIM FeCKFULLY!"

F*CK MASIMO WITH A SCREWDRIVER !

I have no recollection of writing this.

I must have wrote it half-asleep.

**2 Minutes Later**

Bloody funny, though..'Feck goat."

**1 Minute Later**

Feck Masimo with a screwdriver, hahaha

**Home,7pm**

Emma came round to mine after school. I think she must've gone and change first before coming over-she was wearing jeans that were literally in tatters, and lots of bracelet like the Sex Queen herself, Madonna, and a LOT of perfume.

I had to open my window after she left she had so much on.

She wanted to do homework and yelled at me when I wouldn't snog her, then wanted to skip homework and watch 'The Perks of Being A Wallflower." instead.

What is going on in her mind when she comes over?

**12 Minutes Later**

Not much, is my guess.

**16 Minutes Later**

She left her bag here.

Hmmmm..

Should I or shouldn't I ?

**4 Seconds Later**

Oh, screw this for a bag of crisps, I am going to be nosey.

**2 Minutes Later**

My so-called 'girlfriend' is either vair sweet, or a complete nutter.

She has my name written in hearts all over her notebooks.

And she has her OWN personal copy of 'Go Ask Alice".

**2 Minutes Later**

She has unicorns drawn in the inside of her binder.

And they are glittery.

**4 Minutes Later**

I am dating someone who likes glittery unicorns and pushes people down staircases. On purpose.

**10 Minutes Later**

Dear God, I am dating Libby Nicholson.

Must open window think I am having a panic attack .

T**uesday, February 1st**

**7am**

Couldn't sleep again last night.

Found myself up at 4am watching Martha Stewart and taking notes.

Jack le Biscuit needs therapy.

I even tried a milk bath but I fell asleep and now I smell like soured milk, no matter how much I scrub.

**Assembly**

Got into line next to Rollo. He crinkled his nose at me.

"What smells?"

"Your upper lip."

"Naw, mate, 's your footie skills."

Tom went "Shh." as Headmaster CookStocker come out (LEAVE it) to give his usual morning drone.

I should dump ants in his Sports PANTS again.

Or Jell-O in the tuba.

I don't see WHY we are being forced to have Musical Arts.

Especially after that incident with the Cello.

**3 Minutes Later**

I still maintain Dec stabbed himself in the foot with the bow.

**Break**

Tom is all New Zealand this and New Zealand that.

I am about to kill him.

I don't know if it the lack of sleep or the stress about Georgia but I feel like I could snap any moment.

Lit next so maybe I'll get a little sleep and that'll help.

We're reading Dickens' "Great PANTS" so it will be easy an easy zizz.

**Lit**

Rollo caught me napping and Sellotaped my nostrils shut.

Why am I mates with him? I mean, he wore flip- flops to school because some blind git told him he looked a LOT like Jared Padalecki.

Really.

**Bed**

Came home and Mum was washing the car in the driveway, in a bikini.

Gack.

And then Brian, Mum's boyfriend of 'round 4 months, came out in swimming PANTS only they were for someone half his size.

Oh My Giddy Uncle's Bra (yes he wears a bra-he is not fat, he's just gay).

He waved at me "Howdy, Dave, you wanna have a Python Marathon tonight?"

It's the one thing we have in common, love for Mssr. Monty Python, Graham, John, Terry, Terry, and Michael.

Which is a bit surprising, especially as he's from Nashville.

I was still in shock over his tiny PANTS, I can't even remember what I said to him.

**5pm, My Room**

Can't concentrate for poo.

I am in such a state I can't even properly draw moustaches on Mary Queen of Scots in my History book.

Me thinks Jack le Biscuit is losing his edge.

Rang Rollo "Am I losing my edge?"

"Nah mate, you never had it to begin with. Everyone knows you're whipped by Georgia."

I hung up on him.

**4 Minutes Later**

Was just getting settled into bed when the phone rang again.

Mum and Brian were out 'tubing' (I don't EVEN want to know what involves ..rubber catsuits? OH MY GOD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT) so I had to answer it.

"Yarrr?"

"Are you up for a walk to the river?

""Listen, not now Tom I am in the middle of something."

"What?"

"The floor." and I hung up on him.

**2 Minutes Later**

Gahhhh I am soooo restless.

Maybe a shower will help?

**10 Minutes Later, My Room**

Tore out of my shower by a mad Swedish man in a fish hat.

And I don't mean a hat shaped like a fish.

I mean a hat made out of a fish.

Really. It still had the eyes in.

After Tom and the rest stopped laughing at me (so I was singing the Gilmore Girls theme song, so what? It's a nice song) they let me get dressed.

'Why?"

Rollo had an evil gleam in his eye.

"We're going out, mate."

Oh, no.

**Bed**

Saved by Brian in a cowboy hat.

The Barmy Army was lounging on my bed while I looked for fairly clean socks (with the least amount of mould) when Brain came in "You ready for some real fun, pardner? I even got chips and dip."

He stopped, looked at the Barmy Army and at me "Going out?"

"I well-"

Brian's face fell.

"OKey dokey artichokey."

Poo Poo and DAMN.

Why do I ALWAYS have to do the right thing?

I ran out after him "No, they were just helping me, erm, clean my room. You know how irresponsible us teenager boys are."

He nodded "Don't I know it." and he went off telling me about his uncle that has 15 children and 4 wives, or something like that.

I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

**Living Room**

Mum heard me telling Brian that the Barmy Army is here to help me and now she is having them Hoover my room, do my laundry, etc.

Tee hee hee.

**Living Room (still)**

Dec just walked past with a load of my dirty PANTS and mouthed "I am going to KILL you."

I waved at him "I prefer my under things be hand-washed please, Declan!"

Hahahahaha.

**1 Minute Later**

I wonder what Georgia is doing?

**3 Minutes Later**

Is she thinking of me?

**10pm**

Movie night wasn't too bad. I can see Brian and Mum are really happy together.

At least someone is.

I found a song, made me think of Gee (but then again what else is new?).

At any rate, one part of it goes:

""Don't get mad if I'm laughing

Blame the caffeine for all the 5 am phone calls

I haven't slept a single night in over a month

And not even once did you start to make sense to me

Well maybe I'm a little bit slow, or just consistently inconsistent

She said, "Unpredictability's my responsibility, baby.""

Yes, that sounds about right...

**Midnight**

I guess there is no delaying the inevitable-I might as well go to bed and get ready for another nightmare of Georgia.

I tried every thing just to NOT sleep -caffeine, cookie dough by the spoonful (yeah I can see my self now, 300 pounds and addicted to Gilmore Girls, Aaaaaaaghhhh!) and I am STILL exhausted.

Damn.

**Bed**

I can't decided what is worse, dreaming about her all night, every night for the last, oh, two years or dreaming about losing her for not quite a week straight?

BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER.

**Wednesday, February 2nd**

**9am, Assembly**

Dreamt Sven asked me to marry him during Assembly.

To that one Simon and Garfunkel song, Cecilia.

I wonder what my dream means?

**3 Minutes Later**

Freud would say I have 'hidden sexual desires, strangled by my inner subconscious" or such crap like that.

Freud was a dirty old pervert.

That is why I love him.

**5 Minutes Later**

Pray GOD I am not becoming a Homo Horse.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GOD, NO.

At least I didn't have any dreams about Gee.

Is that good or bad, though?

OH I DON'T KNOW

All I do know is I can't stop thinking about her and I think I may be very well losing my mind.

**3 Minutes Later**

Oh, God, Declan just leaned over and whispered "Remember, tomorrow tonight, Boys' Night Out On The Lam and no mummy to protect you. Put your Big Boy Trousers on !"

I might as well write my will, now.

Last time the Barmy Army had a Boys' Night Out On The Lam I woke up in someone else's' PANTS.

And my black converse high-tops had mysteriously disappeared.

**History**

Minding my own biz heading off to the Poo Parlor when I was ambushed by twats in black anoraks-my so-called mates.

'Bloody Hell I know I am gorgeous, and you can't resist having a piece of the Hornmeister, but this is ridiculous."

Rollo said "Shut up. We're going out."

"But I'm not dressed for a first date!"

Tom biffed me on the head with his rucky. 'Shut up." then he said to the guys "Grab his legs, and I'll get his arms."

They picked me up like and carried me to the doors, but halfway through my sleeves slipped up.

Tom looked down to adjust him, but then he saw my wrists.

He dropped me, quite heavily actually.

"OOf you're bruising the moneymaker."

'Shut up. When did you start doing that to yourself?"

"Well, Mum says she walked in on me when I was 9,but I blocked that memory out completely."

Rollo came round "What's up?"

I tried to cover my arms but Tom grabbed my hand (number 1 on the Snogging Scale, shut up brain) and showed Rollo.

Rollo was quiet a long, long time.

I jerked away from Tom (LEAVE it) and stood up, brushing myself off "I was helping Mum garden and got into her rose bush, tha's all."

**1st Break**

The Lads have decided to hold an 'intervention.'

Apparently it involves cuppas and nudey mags, not that I am complaining, especially about the nudey mags.

Well, maybe I should; Sven brought them and they are full of hairy Vikings in heels. And I don't mean just the girls.

In fact, there are no girls in it.

I am beginning to have my doubts about Sven

Sven is all in for it. He keeps pointing to the fold-outs and going "Ja, the She-Wolf, she has the lovely wolf pups."

Hmmmmmmm .

**15 Minutes Later**

Must remember-when we go out tomorrow night (LEAVE it) to buy long-sleeve shirts.

**Lunk**

Over breaksies of PB and Js and crisps Rollo made up this new stupid thing of seeing who can slurp the most Jell-O up their nose.

How dim can you be?

**15 Minutes Later**

I am the Jell-O champion, 2 whole cups, no stopping!

Well, OK I had a sneeze fit in the middle of it and had to stop.

And it was still there when Headmaster CookStocker walked by after .

I have detention for a week for 'flagrant disobedience of school rules".

I just want to know where in the Guide Book it says there is no Jell O nose-slurping in the halls.

**Last Bell**

The Barmy Army filed out to meet the Girls.

You couldn't miss them-they were all, except Jas and Georgia who weren't even there, wearing their comic ginormous Froggy A-Go-Go Land berets and singing a song that Rosie must have written.::

And I feel like dancing in my mini skirt

Because I've got two left feet and a couple plantar warts

Kill all the voles nesting in your PANTS!

Because we're doing the Jell-O dance!""

Then they did some mad twisting with wobbly arm movements. I am guessing that is the Jell-O.I was actually a bit afraid to ask.

The girls did linksies-ups.

Rosie popped her bubblegum and said to Sven "So where you taking Davey Boy then?"

"Oh Ja the boys night, to see the boysss" and he did mad pelvic thrusting.

Oh, Lordy.

Looks like another trip to G-A-Y (no, really that is the name of the club we went to last time, look it up!).

**Home**

At 'Homework Club' so everyone is here snogging their prospective girlfriends.

I feel like the third wheel on a bicycle or an elephant in teeny tiny trousers, and roller skates, crashing into things and unable to breath.

**Bugger.**

I cleared my throat "So, Uhm."

No one looked round.

Huh.

So much for 'being there in my time of need."

I said that, I said that to Tom "So much for being there in my time of need, mate."

He looked round from snogging Jas. They were making squelching sounds -it was a bit sickening.

"At any rate, he looked round "What?"

"Never mind."

I got up and went downstairs.

**Kitchen**

Nothing to eat, save a jar of Branstons, but no one knows how long they've been there.

I think they came with the house, around 20 years ago.

**3 Minutes Later**

MMM old bagel. Mum must have forgotten to go to Down to Earth again this week.

Wandered back to my room and everyone was STILL at it.

Bloody Hell.

**5 Minutes Later**

I even blasted 'Dude Looks Like A Lady" and Rollo only stopped long enough to kick my CD player over.

I said "I am going for a walk if anyone cares."

Sven even threw an umbrella at me.

**Outside**

Sat on my wall watching the world go by.

**3 Minutes Later**

I am so pathetic.

**30 Minutes Later**

Watched the world go by but it didn't -only a snail and two sparrows.

Eventually the Barmy Army came out all happy.

Damn selfish gits.

Dec said "We're going to the flicks to see 'No Strings Attached', wanna come? If you get lonely you could always invite Emma"

I looked at them.

Eventually they got it and peeled off.

Bed

I wonder what Georgia is doing?

**Thursday, February 3rd**

**Physics**

Substitute teacher today so the only ones doing any sort of work is Ned the Nerd and Tom.

We played poker and got away with it until Rollo announced it was time for Strip Poker

At the top of his lungs.

**20 Minutes Later**

Maybe I should dye my hair red, and start calling my self Jack the erm .Jelly Baby?

No, that doesn't have quite the ring as Dave the Biscuit.

Sports

Hung Tom by his ankles with jump ropes for using the words 'love' and 'Vole' in the same sentence (really, he did.) till his face turned beetroot.

And he wasn't even talking about Jas.

He was talking about his love for voles.

As he tried to regain strength in his legs (so he couldn't at least TRY to kick my arse) I said "You DO know that's bestiality, don't you?"

And Dec said "Yes but he's dating her just the same."

I thought Tom's head was going to explode, ha ha.

**Home**

I have 20 minutes to 'get ready'.

Dear God.

I tried sneaking out the window but they had already thought of that and stationed Sven at the bottom of the back garden.

Last I saw he was eating Peanut Butter and Anchovies sarnies (really) so there's no going any where near him, then.

**28 Minutes Later**

Dressed and ready but not going out yet, just to annoy the Lads.

Rollo is threatening to throw me into the pond.

Hmmmm

I said through the door "I'd like to see you try."

Good thing I have the door blocked.

**9 Minutes Later, Outside**

I did NOT expect Sven to crawl through the window.

In especially such a short kilt.

With a fish for a sporran.

As we walked along I said "So where are we going?"

Sven smiled quite alarmingly. "Bowling."

Oh dear Buddha.

**8pm**

Brilliant night at the bowling alley.

Tom got his fingers caught in the hole and went down the lane with his ball (Oooer ..No, Gee get out of my head Ooer).

I think I cracked a rib I was laughing so hard.

We were eventually thrown out, after Dec 'accidentally' hit Rollo in the PANTS with his ball (Oooer).

I don't think it was the violence that got us kicked out though, I think it was Rollo shouting "Bollocking bugger in my granny's stained PANTS" as the Granny Bowlers walked by.

**In Town**

Causing general chaos.

Sven has Rollo on his back and is galloping round stopping to occasionally bin him.

I said to Tom "How's your knackers?"

He looked at me crossed eyed "OOf."

I slapped him on the back, quite hard "It's not like you use them"

He kicked out at me but I didn't dodge.

I was too distracted Robbie came out of an Italian restaurant with Georgia.

She had a little blue pink on that I never seen before with a blue jacket. And the tallest heels I've ever seen.

Cor.

I stopped suddenly and Tom bumped into me.

He started to say 'What are you -" then he followed my gaze "Oh."

I feel like I've swallowed my heart and now it's trying to leap out my bum.

**2 Seconds Later**

DAMNIT.

The guys rallied round me, saying things like "Just a mate" and "They're probably discussing Lindsay's fake nungas-nungas."

But it didn't make me feel better.

In fact, it made me feel worse.

Maybe I should just say 'Bye' to her after all?

**10 Minutes Later**

Could I stand not seeing her?

**2 Minutes Later**

Even thinking about it makes me heart feel like it's going to implode.

Gahhhhhh WHY can't this be easy?

I said that, I said to the Lads "WHY can't I go up to her and say 'Look, I fancy you and you fancy the PANTS off of me. Let's be together.' and that be the end of it?"

Tom said "Well she does l-uh, well, you know but she just doesn't realize it yet."

Yes but the question is-am I willing to wait until she does?

**12 Minutes Later**

How long is that going to be .

In my head I can hear her saying 'Ooer, miss' at that one.

Jack le Biscuit is losing his edge.

**Bed**

**In Bed.**

At 10pm.

I am truly crap.

**Friday, February 4th**

**7am**

Lightning and thundering out.

Perfect.

Just bloody perfect.

I am going back to bed.

**9am,Assembly**

Dragged out of bed by Cissy.

Actually, what she said was "Mum left already so I am in charge. If you don't get out of bed in 5 minutes I am going to let Mike go all the way with me in YOUR bed."

Good Lord.

I told Rollo this and he said "You know what this means don't you? She's already thought about it before."

OH MY LORD.

I so do not need that mental image.

Tom says Robbie and Lindsay's wedding is in 10 days so rehearsals are Saturday AND Sunday, all day.

I said "Do I have to go?"

"Yes, you're playing with the band, remember?"

Damn damn damn.

Just another opportunity to watch Gee salver over a 'Sex God.'

Why can't I be her Sex God?

Am I not sexy?

**2 Seconds Later**

Hahahah, even in my state of despair I can still make myself laugh 'am I not sexy'...hahaha

**Philos.**

Mr Kraus (no, really) asked us "What do you want to do before you die?" in all seriousness.

We are to right it out, and why, blah blah blah then read it aloud.

Hmmm.

You think he would have learned from the Oedipus incident.

But no.

Tom was first. Typically, his answer was all vole this and owl poo that. His last one though surprised us all-Marry my girlfriend and live together in New Zealand.

He'd marry Jas?

Rollo was next "Spend a day at the Bunny Mansion."

Everyone was high fiving each other but Mr Kraus was looking round "Vat? I don't get it, why do you vant spend time with der bunnies?"

Sad.

Sven was next.

Good Lord. I forget how tall he is.

"I vant to have the she-wolf with the pups, and we live in a hut by the sea, and have the house of fish and hats of herring and we live in our fur."

Herr Kraus didn't even know what to say.

I don't think anyone did.

I was next.

Everyone looked at me.

Oh, God.

'I Uhm, .."

Tom raised an eyebrow.

"Like, well."

Rollo mimed snogging. I am going to kill him.

I looked at Mr Kraus. "I would like to have nungas-nungas."

"Ja, that is sehr interstink , David. Why would you like to have the " and he made breasty motions with his hands. How does he know what nungas-nungas are?

At any rate, I said "So I could find out what it feels like to feel myself up."

**Last Bell**

Hellacious day. The best part was Ned the Nerd calling the kiln a 'blow jobber' in Art.

We're never going to live that down. Well, for a month at least.

We did linksies and sang 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang' 'til we got to the girls' school gate.

The girls were there but not Gee.

Huh.

Probably off with some Homosexual handbag Sex God.

The Barmy Army went off to the Park for 'Homework Club' (I.e. excessive snogging)

Walked around a bit. It was like that one poem.."I wandered lonely as a clud."

**10 Seconds Later**

No I mean cloud.

Damnit, Georgia is getting into my head.

**2 Seconds Later**

I wish she would OH MY GOD I AM LOSING MY MIND.

I am even arguing with myself..in my head.

I slumped on the ground against a wall and put my head in my hands.

'What is the point?"

"Dave?"

I looked up and Robbie was standing there.

Just bloody great.

"No you must be imagining things."

I got up to leave but he stopped me.

"Dave why are you avoiding me? I have something I need to talk with you about but well yeah." He shrugged.

He looked uncomfortable.

Good.

"Dave, I have been having these dreams.."

'Aren't you a little old for wet dreams?"

He game me a Look then went on.

"They are about Georgia. She is at some ,I don't know, airport or something and she is saying goodbye, but I have this awful feeling that I'll never see her again."

I felt my stomach drop.

"Is she-is the airplane sort of funny colored, like a leprechaun was sick all over it?"

Robbie looked at me "Yeah, how did you know?"

"I've been having the same dream."

Robbie was quiet for a long time then he said "About Georgia, we're just friends."

"Huh."

He sat on the ground next to me "I like her a lot -a whole lot, but this thing with Lindsay and the wedding-Oh God."

He dropped his head.

"I think I -what I mean to say is, I like her. A lot."

Robbie looked up and at me "What?"

"Georgia. I -think about her all the time."

He looked at me for a long long time.

"It's always going to be you she comes back to."

'Yes, but I don't know if I can wait that long."

"What am I going to do ?"

'Close your eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream. That's how I get by. "

Robbie scoffed "That explains a lot." "The trouble with me, I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it. "

"One of these days you're going to have the chance to do something right by her."

"Oh, I love those moments, I like to wave at them as they pass by!"

KERCHOOO

I jumped up and looked over the wall.

It was Georgia, sitting there, with Rosie.

They were all in black.

Why?

My hand automatically went to my hair and in my mind I heard Georgia saying "Hair Gel application homosexual camel"

I dropped my hand (not literally you fules, I just lowered it ).

Rosie yelled "Coming Svenny!" then went yodeling off, leaving a vair agog Gee there.

She was very red.

She is even cute when she resembles a turnip.

Or do I mean beet?

I don't know , I am not dating a vegetable.

At any rate, Robbie looked at me, then Georgia again, and walked off some. Not far enough to be gone, but far enough to eavesdrop, I noticed.

I said to Georgia "How much did you hear?"

She smiled at me, Damnit. "Why? You're not going to have to kill me are you?"

OH GOD.

But she want on "I don't think you could, hurt me I mean."

I sat down next to her "No?"

"What's the worst you could do to me, Dave?"

"I might kiss you. And I might be good at it. So good you'll want it all the time. You'll be positively BEGGING me, gagging for it, saying 'Please, Dave, just one little snog!"

She laughed "Yeah that's not possible."

So I snogged her.

She pushed me off.  
And over the garden wall.

I leapt up and looked at her."What was that for?"  
"Dave no we-we can' 've got Emma and I've Ireland."  
I shrugged. "I guess."

"Emma is, erm vair pretty."

" Yeah.. she is."

Gee bit her lip. I love the way she does that. She is most def. the most beautiful girl I know.

"And she's stu-erm, stupendously nice."

I smiled gently at her "She sure is."

Gee looked away ": I bet you know everything about her by now. "

" Only the stuff that counts and even then she writes a list for me in case I for get how stup-stupendous she is."

Gee had her face turned away but I thought I saw her smile-just a flicker.

I wanted to say " I cant even remember the stuff she tells me when I think about you, and I think about you all the time." but I didn't."  
I did my best impression "Well,Georgia."  
She looked at me "Have you got flu?"  
"You Had me at Hello.  
You Hurt me at Goodbye,  
But, You Lost me the day you didn't look back. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter any more, because I know that what we had was real.  
And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent so many years together, if not together, but happy.  
The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our PANTS and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me "  
"A fire in your PANTS? Isn't that the symptom for gonorrhea? Getawaygetaway."  
"Shut up.. What I mean is I don't regret the things I've done, but those I did not do. "  
'You mean Emma?"  
'Well,I-" Her question threw me off a bit and I hesitated.  
Gee sighed.

She stood up and smooth her skirt "Yes, well, I hope you last."

I slid down next to her " I hope we do too. "

Do I?

Gee turned and looked at me a long, long time. "I-I better go."

"Yea, me too."

"Bye"

"S'later"

And she got up and walked off.

Robbie watched her go over the hill and once she was out of sight he came back up. "Well?"

I raised my eyebrow at him. "Deep subject for a small mind."

"You're shit."

I winked "You love it."

"Speaking of-I mean, I won't you know, talk to Gee anymore if you don't want me to."

I looked at him evenly "You are interested in her, too?"

He shifted foot to foot but didn't say anything .

God.

God .

God.

God.

I feel funny -Like my the world is spinning or I am going -

Robbie is at the airport, next to me. Georgia is picking up her bags and saying goodbye to the Ace Gang.

Robbie says "You have to let her go. She's going and you're my responsibility now."

I looked at him "What do you mean?"

For a second his face waves then I see a black dot, it starts growing and growing and as I lean forward to look at it, it starts to flicker, grey, then colored, sand I see myself, my reflection, then I see Georgia, she's lying by a road, in a dress..but she's covered in blood, crying.

Robbie, with the image frozen on his face, grabs me "Promise me Dave!"

He starts shaking me "Promise me ,Dave!"

"Dave!"

"Dave!"

'DAVE!"

I opened my eyes and blinked, with Robbie over me, pale-faced.

Where was I?

I sat up.

I was on the ground.

"What happened?"

'You fainted mate, then started moaning. Are you ok? Want me to call Casualty?"

I shoved him away and sat up "No, I saw your ugly mug up close and gave me quite a shock."

Robbie rolled his eyes "Ha, ha, ha."

I noticed he'd gone pale.

"There's something I have to do, though."

Robbie looked at me a bit odd but shook it off "OK well , if you need anything I can, well, you know."

"Yeah."

"Yeah, right."

We stood there a bit awkwardly.

Should we hug, shake hands? Spit in each others' eyes, now what?

Mark Big Gob walked round the corner, but pausing long enough to flip two fingers.  
Lovely (not).  
Robbie looked after him and shook his head "If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass."

He looked back at me "So uhm, like.."

I said "Yeah" and Robbie nodded and shuffled off.

**Bed**

I feel bad but I did it- I broke up with Emma.

She started to do that pathetic snuffling thing that she does that used to always make me feel guilty and apologize (whether I meant it or not) and when that didn't work she called me, in her own words, 'A giant rotten scabby twat!" and hung up on me.

Then she came round mine and cried for ages, then she threw things.

After she FINALLY left I said to Cissy "That went well, didn't it?"

And she rolled her eyes "You're such a twat." and left.

Huh.

**Midnight, Bed**

I wonder what Georgia is doing?

Is she dreaming of me?

**14 Minutes Later**

Or Robbie?


	25. Ring My Bells, Hard !

_Hi tis me !_

_Does anyone read these?_

_DUCK GIBBON PIGEON LICK!_

_BANANA ! BANANA ! BANANA ! BANANA ! _

_Anyways, have been busy, in college now, etc and totally obbsessed with the best show ever DEXTER OMGGGGG sexy mofo!_

_Anyways, short chapter...next chapter is the BIG GIG...only 2 CHAPTERS LEFT after this ! _

_Squee!_

_read and review or I will HUNT YOU DOWN !_

_~L~ -haha that looks like a person !_

_yours (in a strictly non-lesbiany way),_

_xoxox,_

_ps Add me on FB ! Gr!_

_Laurannnnnnnnnnnnnn_

**Thursday,February 1st**

**11am**

Holy Hell I've overslept.

And then some.

Mad rush to comb hair, find my beret, etc before I remember it's a bank holiday.

Jas is having a sleepover but I don't think I'll go.

She invited everyone...even Emma and of course she'll bring Dave.

Besides,I'm not in much of a party mood.

**2 Minutes Later**

And I think killing Emma may put off the party mood.

**2 Minutes Later**

Ish.

**Teatime**

Over a lovely tea of, erm, nothing, Mum said "We're putting Angus on a diet. We even bought a bag of special cat food."

I said "Fat chance. Literally."

**8pm,Bed**

Oooooh,I am soo bored.

Did literally nothing all day and NO ONE has rang.

I actually found myself in my room, doing my homework.

I have literally become Mrs. Nobby No-Mates.

My new address is:

Mrs. Nobby No-Mates, in Widowshire.

Pooooo.

And no one has rung, even just to say "Haha you have no snogging partner"

**25 Minutes Later**

Well, hang on,someone DID ring today, all day. But every time I answered they did stereo hanging-up.

Hmmmm.

It was probably one of Mutti's daft mates or her aerobics instructor for phone-sex.

ERLACK ERLACK NO GET OUT OF MY HEAD !

**Midnight**

Woke by Vati yelling 'This is it! This is IT !

And Mum saying 'Bob, put the knife down."

Has Vati finally snapped and will have to go to a vatihome?

**4 Minutes Later**

Angus has ate the whole bag of special diet cat food then did a big poo in Vati's slippers!

Happy days and night, night.

**Friday,February 2nd**

**7:39am**

Woke suddenly.

Libby was about 2 inches from my face. No easy feat with a nose 5 foot long (shut up brain).

Libby grinned and gave me a big kiss "I LOBES you my ginger."

Aw, she is so sweet, I really do love her-and then she it was a real knee-trembler.

I pushed her off of me and went down to find Mum .She was in the kitchen cooking soldiers in a see-through nightie.

I ignored it, though, and said "For anyone that cares, I think Libby's arse has imploded."

Vati put down his paper "Don't bloody curse."

Which I thought was vair funny but I didn't say so.

Vati was in a vair bad mood. I guess eating all his special cat food had made Angus sick and he took a big poo in Vati's slippers. Vati was doing relentless moaning.

"They are going to smell for at least a week."

God, on and on.

I said helpfully "You could bathe them in bleach."

Vati looked at me "I meant my feet."

I said "Yes, well, so did I" and Mutti sent me to my room.

Incredible!

Before I slammed my door for emphathisosity (try and say THAT three times fast!) I yelled down the stairs "Yes, I will go to my room !And do you know what I will be doing in there?

Nothing because there is nothing to ever DO here in this bloody house!"

And Mum shouted "Oh shut up !"

**11am**

I am so restless.

I can't even cleanse, moisturize, and tone.

**My Room, Teatime **

Jas FINALLY came by.

"The party was sooo much fun last night."

"Huh."

"Mabs forgot her jimjams so she wore my sleeping bag and her knickers only."

"That's great, I am glad you have a lesbian mate."

Jas looked at me. "What's wrong? Oh,GOD, now what have you done?"

I looked at her "Nothing, actually ,Robbie was the one who snogged ME."

Jas went agog.

"Tell me EVERYTHING."

I told her then she used the phone to call everyone round for an emergency Ace Gang meeting.

**30 Minutes Later**

Told everyone about Robbie snogging me.

Rosie said 'Oh wow, like...wow."

She must be taking a book out of Ellen's, erm, book, and it is called "How To Be A Stuttering Div."

Jools said "What are you going to do, then?"

"I don't know. The gravity of this all is freaking me out. I haven't even got lippy on."

Everyone was going "Oh, poor Gee' but then Jas had to say: "Georgia, gravity can not be blamed for people falling in love".

Good grief.

Do you see what I am dealing with here?

I am surrounded by le idiots.

Or do I mean les idiotes?

Or do I even care?

Jas said "What about the gig then?"

I looked at her blankly "What?"

" Next Friday."

"And the Wedding from Hell on the 14th."

Oh, Bloody Hell.

Everyone was looking at me like I was a, erm, looking-at thing.

To cover my nervosity I stood and said "I'll grab some snacksies" and practically broke my neck running down stairs.

**Kitchen**

Opened the cabinet for the usual -pop tarts with maybe a hint of moldy cheese-and there were containers in it.

All labeled, in knitted container covers.

Drawers- same.

Fridge- same.

And what's more, there was FOOD in them !

Mum came in as pulled out sticky buns.

"Where did this food come from and why does it have knitted cozies? Did someone die? Was it Granddad?" I said hopefully.

Mum tutted "Don't be so bloody rude, it's your Granddad and Maisie's anni present to Bob and me."

When is your anniversary?"

"Friday. Do you want to see what I made for your Dad?"

"Well, actually Mum-" but Mum wouldn't hear it. She practically ripped my arm off, dragging me to the basement.

I said 'This doesn't have anything to do with leather or bondage does it?"

Mum went "No, but now that you mention it.."

But then she saw my face and laughed "NO, I paid Jem to make -"

I covered my ears with my hands "LALALA"

Mum gave me the Evils so I moved my hands "- a cooking bar with built in wine-rack and wine cooler!"

Oh, good, just what they need, another excuse to get drunk.

Mum was vair excited about it, though. She was all flushed and red, opening me cabinets and showing me things (ooer).

She is going to be vair disappointed when she sees what Vati got her- one of those shoe organizer things that hang on the back of a closet.

"Erm, I hope you didn't spend to much money."

"Don't be stupid, of course I did. And when your dad gets the bill he will feel so guilty he HAS to be me something MORE expensive. I know how men work, Gee."

And she gave a nasty laugh.

I was just going to say "And how IS that, Mum? "

"They are mummy boys who wanted to be treated like children,simple really."

When I heard Vati shout.

"Bloody bollocking bugger!"

I looked at Mum "Does he use that mouth to kiss his Mummy?"

**Loo**

Libby has flushed the keys to Dad's clown car down the loo!

Brilliant !

I will have to buy her a special prize, for her geniosity !

Dad was taking apart the toilet when we got there.

I looked at Mum but she just shrugged.

"Erm, Dad shouldn't you call a plumber?"

He got all shirty "It isn't rocket science, Georgia."

**Later,My Room **

The girls've gone.

We've decided we'll just play it 'cool' at the gig and depending on what happens there whether I'll go to the Wedding From Hell (aka Robbie's unholy matrimony with the Prize Slime herself).

I said "OK, everyone agreed?"

Everyone did that maddening nodding thing...except Jas

"Well,see it's his brother..and I know the family really really good..and..."

I just stared at her til she rambled into quiet.

'You are officially an UN-Member of the Ace Gang."

"But, I -like-"

"How can you go like that? When my miserosity hangs in the air?"

"Well-l-like-"

"You are not my bestie matie any more, BackStabber McBackstab!"

"But-I 've known the family longer than you've ever DATED anyone with OUT snoging someone else! And besides, you're just going because you think you can mess it up 'cause secretly you're jealous of Lindsay!"

That's when I kicked Jas.

**Bed**

I'm never going to sleep again.

**2 Hours Later**

What on Earth am I going to wear to the Wedding From Hell?

Something to make Robbie he really loves ME, for sure.

Hmmmmzzzzzzz...

**2am**

Woke up straight.

Why?

It's blacky black out. Vair freaky.

You can't see a thing.

I thought I saw someone standing by the lamppost on the corner but it was only a shadow.

I closed my curtains just, you know, in case anyways.

**2 Seconds Later**

I wonder what Dave is doing?

**45 Minutes Later**

Less than a week til the gig.

Shall I go?

Oh, baby Jesus, pleaseee give a sign !

**1 Hour Later**

Bugger it, I've to piddle.

**Tuesday,February 6th **

**School**

I have decided to forgive Jas, but only because we were forcred to work together in English.

We are studying herma-whatsits..you know,like Greek tragedies and so on.

Miss Wilson said 'Can anyone give me an example?'

I said 'I'll tell you a tragedy,having to learn this stuff."

Jas went into Teachers' Bumoley Kisser Mode "An injury committed in ignorance (when the person affected or the results are not what the agent supposed they were). In tragedy, hamartia is often described as a hero's fatal flaw),and covers a broad spectrum that includes ignorant, mistaken, or accidental wrongdoing, as well as deliberate iniquity, error, or sin."

I leaned over "Hey,Jas-how does it taste?"

What?"

"Miss Wilson's bum holio?"

Jas changed places with Ellen so now I'm stuck with Rosie.

Fab.

**Wednesday,February 7th**

On way to school.

Jas STILL isn't talking to me.

I waited at her gate for about 10 minutes before her Mum came out and said "Oh, she's already left with Tom about 20 minutes ago,Love."

**Health**

Learning about pimples and monthly...things.

I sat about 2 centimetres behind Jas but she still is ignoring me.

I even passed her zillions of notes but she just crumples them up with out reading them

Huh.

I will NOT let her get to me.

I don't even remember why I'm not talking to her.

**35 Minutes Later**

Oh, yeah,i remember..bloody backstabbing git...

But still

I do (and don't tell anyone) sort of miss talking to Jas...

Jas raised her hand "Is it normal to have pimples on your bum?"

I said "Have to tried a face mask?"

"I don't have any spots on my face."

I fell to my knees "She speaks!" but she didn't think it was funny as such.

"I meant for your bum."

"Won't that be a bit...squidgee feeling?"

**Break**

It's nice being mateymates again. Especially as I have no place to do my pre-gig preparations.

I stilll haven't broke the gig to Mutti and Vati yet.

I went in the living room to tell them,yesterday,and Mutti was vair red-faced and sitting in Vati's lap.

Erlack erlack erlack.

I had to do deep mediation yoga to get THAT image out of my head.

**Thursday,February 8th**

**Teatime**

Went down stairs to soften Mum and Vati up for the gig.

I even wore my snuggly Teletubbies pajamas for ultra loveblenosity.

"Mum...Vati?"  
"No."

"But I didn't even say anything!"

"I know it will involve squids jumping from pocket to your handbag (I mentally heard Dave say 'Handbag Homosexualist" shutupmentalDave) so No."

"Well, no Vati,actually, I have a bit of pocket money."

Actually, I nicked it from Mum's purse yesterday when she was cleaning Libby off in the loo, but I didn't say that.

"And how do you plan to get to -where ever?"  
"The gig ? Oh Jools' Vati-erm, dad is giving us a ride."

Mutti and Vati looked at each other, then at me...this can't be good.

Mum said 'When did you become so responsible?"

'Why are you so full of supsiciousnosity? I've always been you've just been to busy sn-erm, working to notise."

Mum went 'Uhuh..well, we'll talk about it.".

**My Room**

Listened in for a bit at the top of the stairs but all I heard was squelching noises.

Eurghhhh.

**2 Minutes Later**

Maybe that will make Mum happy and she'll be bound to say yes?

**14 Minutes Later**

No, never mind, if Vati is anything to go by...

Bugger.

**10pm**

Drifting off to BoBo Land when Mutti tapped at the door "Gee? You awake?"  
I pulled the duvet over my head "No"

"Well,I GUESS I can't tell you that you may go to the gig tomorrow."

I shot out of bed "I can?"  
"Yes,and you can even stay over an extra night if you'd like, it's our anniversary and all..' and she giggled.

EUUUUGH

But musn't think about that now..

I'm goin to the gig !

**2 Minutes Later**

What in the name of Buddha's commodious knickers am I going to wear?

**Friday,February 9th**

**Friday,February 9th**

**7am**

Up at 7am, on a Bank Holiday, no less ! I must be more disturbed than I thought (shut up brain).

Tonight is the Big Gig of a Lifetime and I am sooooooooooooooo beyond nervy !

I got up at 7am on a WEEKEND(ish) for Buddha's sake !

**3 Minutes Later**

Went down to find a bit of...erm, anything to eat.

Mum saw me and pretended to faint in shock.

I ignored her though and looked for some nutritious nummy Poptarts.

She leaned against the counter and said "So tonight's the big gig huh?"

Her nungas-nungas was very nearly resting on the jelly jar, 2 feet away, urrrgg.

"What are you going to wear?"

Maybe if I ignore her she'll get the idea and GO AWAY.

"Your dad took me dancing once, at midnight on the pier. It was so beautiful, the moon was out and all the stars. It was breathtaking."

I pointedly said nothing ( no easy task -YOU try it someday!) but she still didn't get it.

"And we made love in the sand, under a dock. Well, until the crabs crawled up Bob's swim shorts. You could hear him screaming for miles. "

OH MY GOD

"They literally used shell crackers on the crabs to get them off"

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD My ears have been subjected to porn !

"And it took me literally 3 weeks to get sand out of all my various cracks."

That was too much -I threw my hands over my ears "OH MY GOD MUM THAT IS DISGUSTING."

She just laughed.

I am going back to bed.

**15 Minutes Later**

Fat chance, and I mean that literally.

Uncle Eddie is here for 'repairs', meaning someone will hammer their thumb, or fall off the roof, then they will spend rest of the day on the couch, drinking beer and farting.

Maybe I can do my pre-gig preparations at Jas' house.

**4 Minutes Later**

Rang Jas but she had selfishly gone out on a ramble with Tom.

And I was prepared to accept her apology for being a backstabber.

Hm...

I can't do it at Rosie's because Sven will be there and I won't to look normal, not furry and fish-scented.

**2 Minutes Later**

And I can't do my pre-gig list at Ellen's, she'd dither me to a nervy b.

Last time we went to Costa's she dithered so much it took her 10 minutes to ask them if they were open.

And she had walked in to the front counter to ask them.

**My Room**

Went down to call Mabs but Dad and Uncle Eddie were already on the phone ordering pizza.

I said "Already fell off the roof then, Dad?"

"No, DIY's tomorrow. There's a Godzilla marathon on today!"

And then they did some weird pantomime. I think they were trying to be dinosaurs.

Please, God, don't let that be hereditary.

**3 Minutes Later**

Well, it must be, if you look at Granddad (I try not to).

**24 Minutes Later**

Maybe it will skip a generation. You know, go for two generations, skip one, go for two? Look at Libby -she is as mad as a hatter.

**9am**

Jas finally rang!

And what's more she said I could do pre-gig preparations at hers but ONLY if I listen to her and Tom's problems.

I only said yes because Dad and Uncle Eddie are driving me mad, going round the house saying stuff, and then when they are done, they still move their mouths then they laugh

hysterically and do that hand-slapping thing boys do.

Completely barmy.

**Jas' House, Jas' Room**

Told Jas what Dad and Uncle Eddie were doing and Tom (why is he ALWAYS there?) said "Oh yeah ! Godzilla- attacking the city!" then he did the mouth thing and laughed hysterically.

Jas and I just sat there looking at him.

I have said it before and I say it again -I'll never understand boys.

Dave said he wants to be an anchorman so he can say dirty things on TV so it'll be live and they can't bleep it out.

Things like 'PANTS.'

And 'Semprini' **

**(monty python referance)

See what I mean?

I said with as much dignity as I could "Jas I think it's time for un masque du beaute."

Jas nodded "D'accord."

**10 Minutes Later**

Ahhhh naiiiice face pack on, and cucumbers over our eyes to reduce puffiness.

It's so nice being able to do this without fear of Libby or Angus coming in and eating the cucumbers.

**35 Minutes Later**

As we washed our facemasks off I said "It is so nice to be able to do this without anyone pooing or pantomiming invisible mad dinosaurs."

Jas looked at me "I thought you'd be used to it by now."

I said slowly "Yes, Jas, but that doesn't mean I like it."

"Speaking of which, what happened with your Ninja Stalking Whatsit ?"

Oh, dear God.

"Noffink."

**30 Minutes Later**

Rosie and the rest of the gang came round.

They were all at Jool's but her dad saw her skirt she was to wear to the gig, and made everyone leave.

And Jools was forced to climb out the window, poor girl !

Olds are SO cruel.

Anyways,as we put on the first layer of foundation Rosie said "Sven and I got up to #9 last night."

We all looked at her agog.

Number 9, BWA?

"What was it like?"

"Nice, a bit bouncy."

"Oooer."

'We were on a trampoline."

"Ooohla la !"

Rosie looked at me cross-eyed "No, you loon, we were jumping on his trampoline and I forgot to put on any knickknacks before I went round to his."

Oh my giddy God's trousers.

"I can't even imagine going on a trampoline in a skirt and no knickers, especially if Dave was there."

**2 Minutes Later**

Why did I say Dave?

Jas looked at me "Why Gee?"

I went a bit red "I uhm, so, like uh.. Like, uhm, this- the-do...erm, snogging updates everyone?"

But Jas shook her head "No, Gee, tell us, what's going with Dave?"

So I told them everything, stalking Robbie, following him to the park, and talking to Dave...and everything that Dave said.

Jas went out of her room for a moment, then came back in and gave me a choccie woccie curly whirly doo-dah bar and sat down. "Tell us again, just what Dave said?"

**19 Minutes Later**

So I told them everything.

Everyone sat there, looking at me.

"So you're going to the gig ?"

I looked at Jas "No, I am doing pre-gig preparations so I can sit all aloney on my owney in my room."

Jas didn't get it as such.

"Why would you do that ? It's just wasting makeup, and then you are just going to ring me over and over saying 'Why don't I have a boyfriend, why, why, why, why, wh-"

I kicked her in the shin.

**11am,Home **

I left. I don't even really want to go to the gig, now.

I feel like poo, warmed up, not a vair nice feeling.

I should know, Angus did a big poo in the stove.

I still want to know how he opened the stove door with his little paws.

Ah, well, c'est mon merde vie.

**2pm, Bed (Still)**

Found a survey in Sugar, where a bunch of girls were asked what their perfect snogging partner would be like.

Hmmm.

The very detailed Perfect guy survey

His Look: Tall, Preppy yet sporty (only not sweaty and smelly)

Name: Paul

Doug

Derek

Zac

Jack

Dmitri

Vin

Chad

Anthony

Alec

Taylor

Zane

Matthew - Not matt

Christopher - NOT Chris

Gabe

Julian

Adrian

(and, and I couldn't believe this) : Dave-NOT David

Hair Color: Brown-Black and curly

Hair Style (long, short, bowl cut, cornrows, etc) : Longish but not like a girl.

I could hear Dave in my head saying 'Emergency Hair Gel Application'...shut up Dave the NOT-Laugh.

Eye color: blue

Like Dave's...or Robbie's. Sacre Bleu !

Age: At least 2 years older, at most 4 years older.

That applies to DTL and Robbie both...

Height: 5'8 or 2 inches taller so he is perfect height for snogging

Dave and I are the same size, and Robbie is 3 inches taller than me, I wonder if that means anything? Maybe I can use them both for snogging extraordinaire parties? Ooer !

Size: not skinny. not fat

Body build: muscles can't be bigger than head

Oooer !

Ethnicity: Any

Glasses? Yes

Huh? Why would anyone want to snog someone wearing glasses? Nauseating P Green is a perfect example.

Piercings? No

Masimo has his ear pierced...I think it is quite cool-looking. Dave said it is his left ear, further proving he (Masimo not Dave, ahahaha) is a Homosexualist.

Chest hair? No

Masimo has chest hair, I don't know about Dave...

Big booty or small? Bubble butt

Ooer. What is that, some medical condition? It sounds awful. Dave and Masimo both, though, it has to be said, have got round nummy bums. Not that I would be eating them or anything. ...maybe.

His Mind

His mind in school? Smart but not a complete nerd

Dave is vair good in school but is, as we all know, a nutter. I don't know if Masimo even went to Uni...He is too talented for school.

What does he want be/do when he grows up? Have his own cool, private business-or someone famous (singer, comedian, actor)

That can go for either..oh, Bugger

Can he speak another language, if yes what? Yes, French and Italian

Hmmm...Masimo speaks Italianese because he is Pizza a-go-go Land. And Dave speaks Italian AND French. Oh ! I am so full of confusedosity right now !

Can he read music? Yes

Masimo can...dunno about Dave.

Can he read guitar tabs? Yes

Does that mean he knows how to play guitars, like Masimo?

Can he play guitar? YES!

Masimo can...Phwoar!

piano? yes

I don't think either can

the drums? no

some other instrument? yes

Can he write music? yes

Masimo can, he is an Italian Stallion Music Sex God !

Will he write songs about you? YES!

Masimo sang a song to me over the phone once, but I don't know if he wrote it. Does that count?

Will he write poems about you? yes

Will he be artistic in some way? He should be funny and nice and caring and sweet

All like a certain Un-Laugh...

Will he "blind you with science?" No

His Style

Party hopper or stay at home? stay home

I would rather go to fabby parties every night

Straight A student of Drop out? Straight- A student but not a complete dork

Does he have a best friend? Yes.

Is he straight or bi? Either/Or

Bi ? What is bi ?

Religious? Not overly

Virgin? till marriage or till "the rite time"? Virgin until the right time along as it is with me.

Ooer.

Should he be able to bake or cook? Yes

Is it okay for him to have a lot of gal pals? yes

Dave has got LOADS of girly mates. Masimo's just want him because he is an Italian Stallion Sex God.

Out-going or shy?: Outgoing but not crude

Should he watch chick-flicks? Yes!

Dave quite likes The Sound of Music. It's a bit worrying, honestly.

Would he be a smoker?: NO

Does he drink? : a beer sometimes

No one wants to date my Dad...except Mum.

Cursing Some

does he play footie?: Yes

Dave does, and Footie is, like an international sport in Pizza a-go-go Land.

rugby? Yes

golf? NO

does he have a "pimped up" ride? No he's not a chav

Would he have an accent? Yes- foreign !

You and Him *last part!*

Does he kiss on the first date?: Yes

Dave is a fabby snogger, and he can even do varying pressure and nip libbling.

Where does he take you? Some where fun

Does he pay? Yes

Would he lay under the stars with you and spout random philosophies? Yes

Twinkle twinkle little PANTS

Would he use endearments? Yes but never in front of his mates only mine

Would you hold hands? yes

Would you ever stay the night at his place? No

Oooer, nothing Rudey-Dudey!

Would he give you flowers/candy or a big expensive gift?: chocolate/jewelry

Would he walk you to your door at the end of the night?: Yes

**34 Minutes Later**

There is mostly positive answers for Dave, over Masimo.

Hmmm..

**3 Minutes Later**

What does that mean?

**12 Minutes Later**

I mean, Dave is a nice guy and all, and he's dead funny. And he's always been there for me.

He even beat up Mark Big Gob for me TWICE.

**1 Minute Later**

Well, it was for Jazzy-Spazzy too, but mainly me.

**20 Minutes Later**

Should I go to the gig, then?

**3 Minutes Later**

OH I DON'T KNOW!

xoxo~~~~~~~~~~xoxo

**DAVE POV**

**Friday February 9th**

**1pm**

Up like a shot.

No dream last night thank GOD.

Doesn't mean I didn't sleep.

Cuz I did.

**5 Minutes Later**

Er, I mean...oh who knows what I mean.

**2 Minutes Later**

I do know I don't want to do the gig today.

**3:15pm**

Robbie rang "Where are you?"

"What?"

"The gig, practice...ring any bells?"

"Why, should I start drooling when I hear them?"

Robbie sighed "Did you sleep?"

"Not a bloody wink, you?"

"Same."

He lowered his voice "Did you have-you know, the Dream again?"

"Naw I think that's over with."

"I had the dream."

There was a loud bang in the background and I could hear Sven yelling what suspiciously sounded like "Ring my bells, ya, hard !"

"What in the Hell was that?"

"Sven is here."

"So I heard."

"He is quite excited, you don't want to let Sven down. He has even brought giant brass bells."

Of course he did.

"Why?"

"He says for the finale."

Oh dear God.


	26. Yeehaw ! Let's Go Get My Man !

**Saturday ,February 9th**

**On Route To The 'The Big Gig'**

**8pm**

Dressed to the teeth like a,erm, well-dressed shark.

Well, anyways,i think I am ready.

Decided on my white and black mini dress,red strappy shoes, and red lippy to match my shoes, as well as a red scarf round my neck.._tres _chic.

Soph rang at the last minute -we're going colour-coordinated, all in the same colour theme, sort of like the Charlie's Angels, only less violent (except in Rosie's case, who is violently mad).

**8:35pm**

Met Honor, Soph,and the Gang at the Clocktower.

We look like _le bombe_.

Even Jas looks normal, which is amazing all in itself.

**2 Minutes Later**

I feel like Angus is sitting on my chest though.

I said that,I said "I feel like Angus is sitting on my chest."

Jools looked at me "Why?"

Before I could answer Rosie said "So do you know who you're choosing then?"

"No and what's more I am bound to make an arse of myself, and bollocks everything up and then no on will want me and I am going to die alone."

El stuttered to life "Well-you-like, Angus."

"No he hissed at me then did a big poo on my pillow, and I've not seen him since."

Rosie hugged me so hard I thought my head was going to pop off "Dance and the world dances with you!"

"What?"

"Hooooorn, ja horrrrn!"

**5 Minutes Later**

That was when Sven landed.

Literally.

He jumped out of a tree.

He missed Ellen by mere centimeters. I thought she was going to implode she was dithering so much.

Jas said "Well! Can't you control your boyfriend? He messed up my fringe!"

Rosie said "No, he's a big boy...a very big boy, if you get my meaning, and big wild beasts can not be controlled!"

And she did ludicrous pervy nodding and winking.

OH MY GOD.

Has everyone lost their mind?

Speaking of which...we're there.

**9:45pm**

**The Loos, At Buddha Lounge**

Seems like there is tons more people here. We're just now getting in.

While we were in line I could hear music playing.

I hope I didn't miss the whole gig.

Doing quick makeup check then hitting the floors.

**10pm**

Sven is in full Madman mode. He has already flattened 2 tables.

But everyone is too afraid of him to tell him to sit down.

**10:15pm**

Safe to dance. Rosie has only got Sven down by snogging him senseless (not that there was vair far to go...).

There was supposed to be some balloon pit thing but I guess some chavs have gone and popped them all (Oo-er!).

Got drinks and made our way to a table by the stage.

Jools elbowed me.

"Bugger, you've spilled my drink.."

"Forget it Gee,look." and pointed.

I looked at her finger but didn't get it til Jools said 'No, you fule, not my finger, onstage."

I looked was on stage,but then Dave went over and said something into Robbie'sear, and Robbie nodded and then took off his guitar and gave it to Dave.

What,WHAT?

But that wasn't the most amazing part.

No,

The most amazing part was Robbie came off stage and stood next to me.

What ?What?

Lindsay would implode if she were here (she just scuttled off to adjust her tentacles a moment ago).

**25 Seconds Later**

Hmmmm maybe I could send her a video?

Or is that being cruel?

**2 Seconds Later**

No, is the answer you're searching for.

Any road, Dave tapped the microphone and then started playing...You're Beautiful.

And he looked STRAIGHT at me.

OH MY GOD.

But then he started to sing.

**3 Seconds Later**

I have found where the helium balloons have gone to.

I know it was all a joke but it was just too funny.

I think I have maybe cracked a rib I was laughing SO hard.

**11pm**

God,I am hot.

Been doing mad dancing, the routines,EVERYTHING.

Robbie has even come off stage during breaks and did Viking Hornpipe dancing !

Lindsay had gone off to the loos to adjust her face (that could take years, ahahahah) but still.

The song ended and Robbie said "Georgia, can we go outside, to talk?"

I wanted to say 'no' but I just followed him like a sacrifical goat.

No, no no I mean lamb..

At any rate,I followed him out to the terrace balcony thing.

Even outside I could hear Sven yelling ,something about trousers and cods (I don't want to know).

Robbie took a deep breath "So,Georgia...about what I said the other day...about Lindsay being preggers..."

"Yes"

I got ready ; he was going to say it now 'I love you and I don't care for that cow-faced weed."

"I love you" -I tried not to smirk -"And I don't want to be the sort of person who pressures girls-erm,women to do things..I'm not like,well,you know."

"Homosoexualist Handbags?"

Robbie raised an eye brow "Erm, see,the thing is,I truly do lur-love, you and I don't think I can marry Lindsay."

I was speechless "But -you-baby."

"Yes but the baby isn't 's due 2nd August (_A/N MY BIRTHDAY IS AUGUST 2ND YAYYY)_. I was...out of town that week, it's impossible."

OH MY GIDDY GOD.

"So..what are you going to do?"  
He put his hand in his pockets and looked out over the town.

After a bit he said "I'll stay til she's had the baby ..it's a girl you know... and make sure,you know, DNA test then, I'm gone."

"Gone? Where?"

"I think I'm going to go away, to Australia. It's much more simpler I'll live on a ranch, raising sheep, make an honest living."

"But you-sheep?"  
He laughed and turned to me "You always had a way with words. And,I think if I remember them correctly, the only way to fix it is..." and he snogged me.

It was soft, at first, then moved on deep No.-5 -type snogging.

COR

and WOW

and WOZEE WOW is all I can say.

I thought I heard the door openeing but I ignored it.

Actually, I thought "Oh bugger I am trying to snog a SEX GOD. Maybe'll if I ignore them they'll go away." but then I heard Dave's voice.

"Robbie? How could you?"

I jumped back.

"Dave, it's not what it seems-"

Dave came right up to me and balled up his hands,like he was to hit me, but then relaxed them.

".I'd come to say goodbye,and to see if you really loved me, or was just stringing me along this whole time, but I guess it was not me you wanted ever at all. Good riddance."

"What, where are you going ?" but he had gone.

What ? What?

What was that all about?

I looked at Robbie.

He was leaning back against the railing, looking vair sad.

Why?  
"Robbie what in the name of ARSE is going on?"

"Well"

"Robert Remus Jennings!" the door slammed open.

Robbie jumped. Oh,God, not Wet Lindsay. not now.

"What are you doing with that tart?"

Robbie looked trapped so I jumped in.  
"He was just tust telling me the Gang was searching for me."

She gave me a nasty look "Run along then to your silly little mates then."

I passed by her real close, and as I did she muttered "Minger."

I said "Yes, well, I hope you enjoy a life of loneliness, you daft wet octopus TWAT." and closed the door behind me.

Bloody Hell, that felt good.

**25 Minutes Later**

Found the Ace Gang.

We made everyone leave the loos and made Sven block the door so we could talk.

I told the Ace Gang everything.

They could hardly believe it -I couldn't either, and I was there-so I had to repeat twice more.

And after they no one knew what to say for the longest time.

"So,Robbe-sheep?"  
"Yes, he is officially a sheep farmer. Well, in August,anyways"

"Like...does he...Dave...lobe you?"

"Who the Hell knows anything anymore?"

Jas said 'SO what are you going to do now?"

"Oh I don't know Robbie says he lobes me then Dave bursts in and sees and yells at me then does a runner and I DON'T KNOW."

Rosie finally spoke up "Do you?"  
"Well, I don't know, Robbie was my first love and all, and they say you never forget-"

"No, you loon, I'm talking about Dave."

"I don't...I don't know."

I don't know.

Do I ?

He was always there, and he was so sweet, and seeing him in Hmaburger-agogo-Land was soooo relieveing, like having needing to take a big poo then finally having a poo...minus the poo bits.

"I -I think so."

Rosie lept up 'What are we waiting for? Let's find him ! HORNNNN!"

I lept up too "But I don't k now where he's gone too, and besides, isn't he leaving for Uni soon?"

Hons said "Ahem, erm, Miss I mean, Gee? The pajama party? Didn't Sven tell Rosie who told you -the blokes were to crash it tonight?"  
"By crikey, they were!"

I looked at everyone sitting round on the sinks still.

'What are you wating for? HORNNN!"

Everyone jumped up and did a burst of mad discoing "Hooorn!"

And Jas said in a fit of Rosie (ooer) "Yehaw let's go get your man!"

Everyone looked at her.

"What, I thought it was needed, about bloody time too!"

I hugged her 'Yeeehaw let's go get my man !"


	27. Before He Could Finish In His End

LAST CHAPTER FOR ALL MY LOVELIESSSS I LOOOOOVE YOU ALLLLLLLLLLL ESPECIALLY MON PALLIE MARIYAH IN A VAIR VAIR NON-MAGGIE WAY (erlack ewww and YUCKyvomitorocious !

xoxo

ENJOY

Also, read and review or I'll send hoards of Sven after you !

xoxo,

Lauran :-)

**Sunday,February 10th**

**DAVE POV**

**Midnight**

Run,run, huff huff,and PANTS.

Who ever invented jogging must die!

Unless it is girly-type jogging then that is OK.

There is nothing better to perk someone up on a cold day then a girl jogging without a bra.

Or anything on, for that matter.

**(15 Minutes Later)**

When I got in Josh was teaching Armstrong to read. The only probablem is 1)Armstrong is a dog and 2)Joshy is only 4 1/2 and doesn't know how to read. Not stopping Josh,though.

I tried to sneak past but Josh looked up to see me going through. "Davey boy!"

"Joshy boy!"

"Why you so red?"

"I am doing my impression of a beet. Why don't you go find Mum?"

Amazingly he toddled off and I ran up and collapsed on my bed.

**(2 Minutes Later)**

OKay, I had to mov mounds of dirty socks elsewhere just to get to my bed (I am sure it's under here somewhere...) but still...

What am I laying on?

**(15 Seconds Later)**

Why is Mum's special smelly shampoo doing in MY room?

**(5 Minutes Later)**

Knocked a full 5 minutes on Mariyah's door before she FINALLY opened her door a crack and peeked round.

"WHAT do YOU want?"

She had her hair all done up in a scarf and a green mask thing on.

"Have you exfoliated so much your true self came through?"

'Shuuddup and give that me."

She moved to grab it (ooer) but I danced out of her reach.

"Why was it in MY room?"

"NYOB"

I raised an eyebrow "Getting all tarted up for Mike 'The Hands' Hanson?"

"STOP CALLING HIM THAT!"

"You have to admit, he is a tad on the octopussy side!"

"Shuddup or I'm going to tell Mum you're the one what's been using her exfoliating scrub!"

I went beetroot. OH GOD.

She grabbed the shamps out my hand "Yoink!" and slammed her door.

Oooooh I am going to KILL HER.

**(My Room)**

Why did I shout at Gee?

**(1 Minute Later)**

Does she really fancy me ?

Then why was she snogging Robbie?

**(1 Minute Later)**

She has, it has to be said, excellent snogosity skills...

**(2 Minutes Later)**

OH GOD Now I'm even talking like her !

**(20 Minutes Later)**

Looking out the window at other people having a life. Even my sister has a life and she's lives at home,still.

I wish I was more like her..

**(1 Minute Later)**

No no no,I mean a girl.

**(3 Minutes Later)**

Though, if I was I'd never go out-I'd just stay at home and play with my nunga-nungas.

**(1 Minute Later)**

Does that make me a lesbian?

Michael just pulled up.

He is such a chav.

My sister is too good for 'd never think it, the way she dresses, like right now it's about -3000C out and she's got on a long poufy dress and SANDALS and her nunga-nungas are pushed up to her chin and falling out.

ERLACK.

**(1 Minute And 30 Seconds Later)**

Michael just picked a dandelion and put it behind her ear and she actually let him. What a bunch of toss-pots, the lot of them.

Do girls really act SO dim and weedy when us lads are 'round?

**(2 Minutes Later)**

Yes if Gee and her Homosexualist Handbag Carrrying Boyfriend are anything to go by.

**(5 Minutes Later)**

OH GOD I am in love with a serial weedgirl ! 

**(40 Minutes Later)**

Tom rang. Speaking of weeds...(hahahahahahahahaha)

"Hell, David speaking."

"Blimey, mate, you sound awful."

"Fanks."

"No, I mean..I'm guessing things with Georgia didn't go alright then?"

I took the phone with my to the kitchen. Wallowing in self-miserosity made me starving. And besides, if I'm to never go out again, I may as well be fat.

"You can say that again mate. They didn't go at all."

"Oh,God what did she say ?Or snog?"

I said "Your brother" and put down the phone.

Why oh why am I doomed in the ways of the snog?

**(2 Minutes Later)**

Actually, I am not doomed in the ways of the snog at all. Acording to Georgia, I am the 'best snog she's ever had.'

I am Jack le Biscuit at snogging.

**(30 Seconds Later)**

SO why does she keep snogging everyone else in this sodding country?

**(18 Minutes Later,My Room)**

Only found a bit of chiz and a pitcher of juice.

Loverly.

Took it to my room. I am never going out EVER again.

Everytime I do, I hang around hoping to 'accidentally' bump into Gee, and if I don't I'm in a bad mood for the rest of the day .

And if I do, she is smogging or prepring to snog, or has JUST snogged someone else, which puts me in a bad mood for say...A WEEK.

Arhghghghghghghghghghghg!

**(12 Minutes Later)**

I wonder-how many times have we snogged when she's dating someone else, anyways?

**(12 Minutes Later)**

I can't find my journal ANYWHERE and I think this cherry juice stuff has too much sugar. I even mixed it with a soda and I still feel a bit sick, like the tide before a sugar rush.

Maybe searching for my journal in MARIYAH's room will burn it off...bloody sisters.

**(3 Seconds Later)**

Blimey her room is a mess.

I may need the extra sugar after all.

**(3 Minutes Later,Mariyah's Room)**

Why do girls need so much makeup?

Gee wears it by the gallons but she doesn't need it.

OH GOD.

Why can't I stop thinking of her?

Plopped down at Mariyah's makeup desk thing, with a mirror and about a zillion lip things and face job things (ooer) on it.

I wonder what she is doing now?

Probably pouting in the mirror,practising for Robbie-Gobbie or whatever horrid name she's got for him.

Why can't I just,for one day,or an hour even,get inside Gee's head, to figure out what she thinks, and how she thinks of me?

**(2 Minutes Later)**

Do I really want to know the answer to that?

Everytime I see her I try and act cool and so on -I AM Dave le Biscuit after all -but when she pouts at me I just-I lose it all.

Mainly my mind.

And then she acts all cool and mate-y (arrr matey...no no no, you know what I mean) ...but sometimes she looks at me and I think...OH I DON'T KNOW.

I slammed my hand down and knocked something off...

Hmmmmm...lip stain.

Does that mean it stains the snogee's lips, or just the snoggers'?

It's not been opened so I can try it without any chance of catching any disease Ocotpus Boy's given my big sis (big cyst is more like it...).

I'll just use a litte dab, here and there, nothing noticeable.

(**1 Minute Later)**

Hmm my hands are a bit shaky and I am having a bit trouble focusing so I can't really tell..maybe if I put on a little dab more..but nothing in a flash Homosexualist Ooooh-Look-At -Me Get-You! way.

**(14 Seconds Later)**

Right, a few dabs here and there...

**(40 Seconds Later)**

Cor, you sexy beast !

I don't actually look half bad.

Is this what it's like to be girl, sitting round all day in front of a mirror, putting on makeup and practising pouting?

**(2 Minutes Later)**

I still can't figure what could be running through Gee's head.

Maybe a little more makeup ...

**(43 Minutes Later)**

It took a bit, and a few stabbing-in-the-eye incidents but I managed to the get the full bit on-lippy, panstick,eyliner,mascara, EVERYTHING.

That wasn't too hard.

Why do girls complain so much about it?

She says it takes her ages to get it done right to go clubbing or snogging Homosexualists or whatever.

**(4 Minutes Later)**

She says it takes her 5 hours to get ready to clubbing.

I bet I can get ready in half the time and still look gorgeous.

**(20 Minutes Later)**

Right, found a polka dot dress, a big floppy hat and some white strappy shoes.

And it's only been ...20 minutes!

So overall it's taken me...oh,Hell, math is too jangly for my brain.

Let's just say I got done in a LOT shorter time than Gee could.

**(3 Minutes Later)**

Why does Gee complain so much?

It's no big deal.

In fact, I think I'll go round and tell her !

**GEE POV -THE SLEEPOVER**

**Sunday,February 10th**

**1:56am**

Everyone changed into their sleep gear. I went comfy -green tank,black shorts. Jas looked normal for once -white shirt and stripey jammie bottoms.

"Rosie, can you put my hair in 4 piggies?"

..Never mind.

Jools said "So what happened?"

I didn't want to tell everyone-especially in front of Radio Jas, and Tom..so of course it all sort of came pouring out, like word diarrhea (minus the poo).

"...and he said he would always love me and he kissed me on the cheek and walked off."

There was a bit of silence then Rosie said "What about the Laughy Man?"

"Oh, I don't ran off while Jas was interrogating me."

"You mean asking you a simple question!"

"ALOT,hence, wouldn't've found out if you hadn't been interrogating me."

"I didn't know even know he was there til he burst out my closet!"

Rollo looked at me "Why was Dave in Jas' closet?"

" I-"

We were interrupted by the doorbell. Rosie jumped up "Pizza!"

Jas of course, went off on her Huffmobile. "Tom and I made creme fraiche puffs !"

Dec batted his lashes at Tom "Oooooh ,did you wear an apron miss?"

Tom made to duff him in the head with his pillow but we were interrupted by a mad laughing fit.

We all lept up as Rosie came in "Gee-you have GOT to see this-it's Dave."

"Why would I want to see Dave?"

"He's in drag!"

I was nearly trampled to the door.

I was last there so I couldn't see him but I heard him say "I wannnnnnnnnnnnn seer."

Oh Dear God,was he DRUNK?

Jas grabbed me and pulled me aside.

"Now what are you going to do?"

"Me?"

"He came to see YOU."

Oh,hells bells.

"What am I going to do if one of the neighbor sees and tells mum? What am I going to do? what am I going to do?" She was literally hopping foot to foot.

I resisted a VERY strong urger to kill her . "Take him to the sofa, have him lay down and drink coffee,it's what my Olds do after a night of too much Vino Tinto."

" -where are you going?"

I looked down from the stairs "I'm going to put some bloody makeup on!"

**(Loo)**

OH my GOD oh my GOD oh my GOD.

Scrabbl scrabble...mascara, please no shaky hands, I don't need panda eyes right now...fluffy hair fluffy hair.

Why is he here?

And why is he DRUNK?

Where on Earth did he get it from?

And what-

What is going on-I don't hear anything...

Sneaked to the top of the stairs and listened.

Dave was saying 'I do, I do I do,I do,I do,I do I do,I do..."

Tom said "Yes mate, I know you do."

"Yes but I really DO."

Do what? Levitate? Believe in fairies,or drag queens, as is he is dressed like one?

OH MY GIDDY GOD please don't give me the inner heeby jeeby giggles, not now!

**(Jas' Room)**

Now, what on Earth am I going to wear?

White shirt ,black trousers,jean jacket for warmthosity so I can take him outside and give him a good snog-erm, talking to?

**(15 Minutes Later)**

Settled on white capris,red top, yellow cardi, and boots.

Thank GOD I decided to leave off the Boy Entrancers -I was so nervous and jittery I couldn't see straight in the first place and nearly fell down the stairs arse-over-tit.

When I got back to the living room Jas fringed up and hissed in my ear "Why are you all tarted up? He's DRUNK. He won't notise you, Gee."

Dave looked blearily my way "Gee? You look...wow."

I fought down a desire to laugh. He was in a dress and a big floppy hat and had TONS of makeup on and his hair was all akimbo like a bird nested in it.

"Gee, is that shoo?"

He stretched out his hands to me.I moved forward to hug him, or something,but tripped and bally near landed my face in his lap.

I leaped up like a sardine "Dave I-"

He grabbed me and literally crushed me in a hug "I'm almsot too late."

"Almost too late? For what?"

"I need to talk wif,wife,with you,eefore."

"Ok I'm here."

"Alone."

"OOOK.."

He took my hand and stood up, knocking over a lamp.

Tom said "I'll get that him cold air will right him up."

I took Dave's hand and we walked to the door. 'I'm taking you outside,awright?"

"Mppph I follow you to my end. Hahaha, I'll follow you in the end, get it, in my end? Hahaha"

I took him to the gate, and stopped. Dave leaned against the gate and closed his eyes and breathed in deep a couple times.

What on Earth is going on? First, Masimo becomes a cereal (or do I mean serial?) rapist, then Robbie gets Wet Lindsay preggers, and is marrying her in a few days' time, and now,Dave -

I looked up and Dave was looking at me, steady-on.

"Gee-I want you to show-shoo-chow-I want you to KNOW I *hic* I want to end it this way-"

"You mean ,like...er.." Great,I'm turning into Ellen,Dither Queen of Ditherland.

"You spend too much time with Ellen...What I mean *hic* mean is this *hic* is *hic* BLOODY FUCK!"

He frowned "Sorry,but what I mean is -HA!"

I raised an eyebrow.

"Right, Georgia, what I mean is -I wanted to tell you before you went to Ireland I mean..I'm sorry."

"No, you don't have to apologize. I've been a right twit."

Dave took my face in his hands (no I don't mean he ripped it off in a fit of whatsit, you loons).

"Georgia-I "

"Yes Dave?"

He leaned forward...

and vommed all over me.

FanFUCKINGtastic.

**(1 Hour Later)**

Told the Ace Gang I was going to take Dave to get clean clothes-HIS clothes and showered and so on.I expected someone to say something rudey-dudey but they just did that crap nodding thing, even Tom,Dec, Rollo and Sven (though I suspect Sven thought we were dancing or something).

Dave's house is vair vair nice.

And sane.

Dave started to bung a few things in a bag when we got there but I made him shower first. He said "Wanna help me?" and waggled his eyebrows.

I threw a shoe at him

"I meant packing you dirty minx"

After he went off to shower I threw a few things in. He's got PANTS with camels on them. How am I not suprised?

**(10 Minutes Later)**

Packing is exhasuting. I think I'll have a little lie-down on his bed-he won't mind (probably).

Was drifting off to sleep when Dave came in,toweling off (he had PANTS on you naughty minxes!).

He smiled when he saw me and sat on the bed next to my head. He put a pillow behind his back and pulled my head onto his chest.

I could hear his heart beating

Hmmmm niiice and cozy.

And I couldn't help but notising how fit he was too.

"Fanks Kitty."

OH DEAR GOD did I say that outloud?

I craned my neck to look up at him .

He winked 'I knew you couldn't resist me."

"Mmmmm you think so?"

And I went in as to snog him, but stopped centimeteres from his lips leaving him in puckerus interruptus, teeh hee.

"I think it is YOU who can't resist ME."

He pretendeed to think for a bit "Yep." and snogged me.

I reached up and put my hand round his neck and he slid down to meet me,rolling over so we were facing. "Dave -I "

He kissed me "Shhh please not right now." and kissed me again so I couldn't talk.

It was like my brain melted away.

We zoomed up the scale to number 6 (tongues! Yes!) .

He put his hands at my waist so we were close, I could feel his heart beating on mine.

Wow. And wowzee wow.

I was afraid he'd be a bit grabby and go for the nunga-nungas, but no.

Maybe they are too big, and he's afaid if he'd unleash them they'd put his eye out?

Ohhh noooo please no mad laughing fit now...

He slid his hands up my back under my shirt. I felt like I was connected to him...not in a rudey dudey way...just...I don't know, it is hard to understand.

I untucked my shirt so he could reach up better (the back ! God!) and did the same to his.I was trying to pull it out his belt and Dave said "I'm not that sort of girl."

I gave him a Look and he laughed. "Ok maybe I am ..but still."

I biffed him on the biffed me back .I made to hit him and he grabbed my arms and rolled over so he was above me. He looked at me long and deep and snogged me again, soft, then harder. He was on top, with his hands on my neck and hair. It felt sooooo good.

We must have stayed like that,just looking in each others eyes and snogging for hours.

Dave kissed me and rolled to one side, so we were facing each other.

"Georgia, we better get back. People might think something rudey-dudey is going on."

"Let them."

"OO-er Miss! I am not that type of girl!"

I looked at him

He smiled "OK maybe I am that type of girl but still."

I biffed him. He made to biff me back but then the phone rang. He lept up and grabbed it "Helooooooo Luuuurve Hotel...Oh, hi Tom...yes..yeah...she's still here...yeah alot...she's got big ones for me.."

I hit him "Dave!"

"I meant the bags you packed for me,love."

Ohhh he is soooooo annoying !

Dave was still talking "Uh-huh...ok...yes...no...no...sardines?Ok...yes...no more than 3pounds...ok...ok...bye...Horrrrn!"

I looked at him "3 pounds of sardines?"

"Sven wants a snack."

"Of course he we go?"

**(10 Minutes Later,Outside)**

On our way to Jas'. Dave is carrying his bag but he insists on holding my hand. It just feels right and I don't think I could be any more happy.

Every few yards he'd stop to kiss me.

Is this what it's like to be a relationship? All happy and carefree and joie de whatsit?

We stopped at the crossing before Jas' street.

I crossed but Dave waited.

"Come on, we're going to be killed!"

"No we won' OK now."

Traffic zoomed by so we just had to stand there.

Does this mean we are a couple? Are we a couple?

I yelled out across the street "Dave, before we get there."

"Yes ?"

"Does this mean-are we-?"

"Yes. "

"And do you.."

"Yes, do you?"

"Yes, I love you."

Dave jumped up to do a irish jumping thing where you click your heels together.

"Finall-"

I grabbed him and snogged his brains out before he could finish in then end (Oooer, Miss !).

THE END


End file.
